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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/12/2021 13:30

@Vivi0

Yes this would be one solution but if it were my family I would want to move heaven and earth to make it possible for the son to be visit - without shooting the dogs of course....

So, what is your solution?

Put the dogs in a room and shut the door. If that did not provide enough reassurance, consider having the dogs elsewhere when the family visit - not always possible I know hence why I am saying consider. Leaving the dogs outside in the day if a warm and comfortable enough area can be provided for them.

I don't mind dogs but I am allergic. My sister keeps hers in a different part of the house when I visit and we all wear multiple layers as I also need the windows open. It's not ideal but we make it work.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 13:31

@BoredZelda if he can't afford a hotel then he doesn't come. You're just making it look luke the brother is the one being reasonable, he's more and the poll shows most people agree.

What do you expect the OP to do?

Anyway, he's not coming, so problem solved and the dogs can rest easy.

PersonaNonGarter · 28/12/2021 13:34

Well done, OP - you were a fair and reasonable in advance and totally sought a compromise.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/12/2021 13:36

@AsYouWishButtercup

This won’t be a popular opinion but he’s you should be more accommodating. People, especially children, with phobias aren’t being awkward or difficult, and phobias can be physically debilitating. Even with sleepy dogs! Can’t you just shut them in your bedroom?
I agree - but this is Mumsnet
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 13:38

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle not read the ops posts then? No

ashorterday · 28/12/2021 13:40

Your BIL sounds like a loon. There's no way I'd be making special arrangements/locking my dogs up to have someone stay (I would make adjustments if they were barky/jumpy dogs) They need to address the issue of a 12 year old being terrified of dogs tbh.

Vivi0 · 28/12/2021 13:41

Put the dogs in a room and shut the door

The OP has offered to do this.

If that did not provide enough reassurance, consider having the dogs elsewhere when the family visit - not always possible I know hence why I am saying consider.

Kennelling dogs can be very distressing for them, so I can understand why the OP hasn’t offered to go down this route if it isn’t absolutely necessary for her to do so.

Leaving the dogs outside in the day if a warm and comfortable enough area can be provided for them.

It’s December, so this isn’t an option.

The OP’s home is clearly not suitable for Billy to visit, so best he not visit. Unless, of course, you have another solution that doesn’t involve shooting them?

YouokHun · 28/12/2021 13:48

@AsYouWishButtercup

I’m not sure if hypnotherapy works on children or is appropriate but it’s really helped me tackle my fear of heights. It’s very expansive though
It’s better to use an evidence-based approach like CBT for phobias. I feel for this boy as a phobia of dogs is truly life limiting given that dogs are everywhere. It must get in the way of staying with friends and even leaving the house and walking down the street. Phobias are some of the easiest (generally speaking) problems to tackle so I hope your DB and SiL are getting him support not just trying to clear away the object of fear for him which will keep the problem going/inflate it. Often I find it’s one of the parents who is frightened and has inadvertently schooled the child in the particular phobia. That’s often the reason why parents don’t seek help for their child’s phobia, because they are equally avoidant but can hide it behind trying to keep their children distress free.
Chasingaftermidnight · 28/12/2021 13:49

I think you were sufficiently accommodating. If the solution on offer wasn’t enough for Billy/his dad (which I think was the only reasonable one available to you) then they can’t visit. Which is obviously what they’ve decided.

Marvellousmadness · 28/12/2021 13:51

A twelve year old. Poor kids. His parents should have nipped that in budd years ago!!!!!
Tell them they are welxome to come. But you have a dog. And leave it at that.

Marvellousmadness · 28/12/2021 13:51

*dogs

gogohm · 28/12/2021 13:52

Are you sure it's not your db who is dog phobic, everyone I know would tell their child to just stay in a different room.

Clymene · 28/12/2021 13:52

This is my dog's home. If people don't like my dog, they don't need to visit my home. I'm happy to meet them elsewhere.

MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/12/2021 13:54

@Clymene

This is my dog's home. If people don't like my dog, they don't need to visit my home. I'm happy to meet them elsewhere.
Except OP wasn’t happy To meet them elsewhere
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 28/12/2021 13:55

The 'D'B is abusive, controlling and manipulative and neglecting his son. That's that

🙄

Wandawide · 28/12/2021 13:58

If it is thought reasonable to expect the boy to get over his phobia then he deserves to have it thought about more. Any 'work' on him needs planning and time. A family visit like this is not perhaps the best time.

This is Mumsnet and at times it becomes Dogsnet. But it is, IMO somewhat anti-social and anti-family to regard dogs as important as humans. Just weird.

erinaceus · 28/12/2021 13:59

It might not help for this visit, but possibly for the future — have you tried to have a conversation with Billy directly about his phobia? Your post about him looking at the dogs through the babygate makes me think that there might be something to work with there that is more than the cut-and-dried position of your brother.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/12/2021 14:06

This is Mumsnet and at times it becomes Dogsnet. But it is, IMO somewhat anti-social and anti-family to regard dogs as important as humans. Just weird

For many people, their dogs are the only beings who are uncritical and accepting of them. Certainly in a lot of the families posted about on here.

Wheresmywoolyjumpers · 28/12/2021 14:07

Often I find it’s one of the parents who is frightened and has inadvertently schooled the child in the particular phobia. That’s often the reason why parents don’t seek help for their child’s phobia, because they are equally avoidant but can hide it behind trying to keep their children distress free.

This.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 14:08

@MyrtlethePurpleTurtle

The 'D'B is abusive, controlling and manipulative and neglecting his son. That's that

🙄

Read the OP's posts about her brother's text and the overbearing and forceful language he used. It's very clear that he is at the very least controlling and self absorbed.
ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 14:11

@Wandawide

If it is thought reasonable to expect the boy to get over his phobia then he deserves to have it thought about more. Any 'work' on him needs planning and time. A family visit like this is not perhaps the best time.

This is Mumsnet and at times it becomes Dogsnet. But it is, IMO somewhat anti-social and anti-family to regard dogs as important as humans. Just weird.

Nothing weird about it. It's very weird and anti-family to not regard dogs as important as humans. In fact, dogs (and cats) are often so much better than humans. I would choose animals every day and any day compared to some of the 'humans' we have in our world.
purpleboxes · 28/12/2021 14:12

They shouldnt come OP. I have a very dog phobic dd. None of my other children are like this. Even if Billy was told the dog was being put away he will be shitting himself the entire time he is there. It will be an awful visit for him.

So tell Billys dad not to come and think about his own kid - not your dogs

hamsterchump · 28/12/2021 14:14

Why don't they just stay in a nearby hotel and then when they come to visit the house they can leave Billy in the hotel room or in the car, I'm sure he can play on his phone/watch something for an hour or so. What 12 year old is that interested in houses?

OP, I would say "I hear your concerns DB and on reflection I don't think you should come and stay really, we'd love to have you obviously but it just won't be fair on Billy to put him through it. There is a hotel nearby that I think would be a better option and if you'd like to visit us at home and have a look around the new place one day that would be lovely. Perhaps Billy could stay back at the hotel or in the car for an hour while you visit? I expected he's not that interested in seeing the house anyway! Then we can all go for a walk/lunch/pub/coffee together and catch up."

purpleboxes · 28/12/2021 14:17

I have just seen your last update!

No fucking way was Billy ever going to come - even if your dogs were put away Grin

When my dd gets play date or party invitations her first question is 'have you got a dog? She will turn them down flat if they do

Onatree · 28/12/2021 14:20

It surely is a case of : if a person in a group is dog phobic, the group does lodge themselves in a house of dogs?

If my DC are phobic of X, surely we wouldn’t plan for them to go lodge in the House of X?

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