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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 12:29

It's literally this cut and dry. I don't understand how anyone can argue any different

Agreed. I just don't understand how anyone can think anyone other than the brother is the unreasonable one in this situation.

I think part of the problem is the thread mentioned dogs and I genuinely believe there is a small portion of MN posters who cannot possibly think anyone with a dog can ever be the reasonable party in a disagreement.

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 12:31

@PinkWaferBiscuit

It's literally this cut and dry. I don't understand how anyone can argue any different

Agreed. I just don't understand how anyone can think anyone other than the brother is the unreasonable one in this situation.

I think part of the problem is the thread mentioned dogs and I genuinely believe there is a small portion of MN posters who cannot possibly think anyone with a dog can ever be the reasonable party in a disagreement.

oh god yes this!
Howshouldibehave · 28/12/2021 12:33

@Vivi0

Billy’s dog phobia is not the OP’s problem.

She is happy to accommodate him by keeping the dogs confined to one room during his visit.

If that isn’t going to work for Billy, then perhaps Billy’s parents shouldn’t be taking him to stay overnight in a dog owner’s home.

This x 100.

The agenda here is being totally dictated by the DB. You just don’t get to do that in other peoples houses!

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/12/2021 12:33

*Whatiswrongwithmyknee

That is exactly what the op is going to do. Can people not read!?

It's not. The OP said the child would be able to see the dogs when he walked along the corridor. So the dogs will be in the room but will not be shut in the room.

You've got that completely wrong.*

Nope. This is what the OP said in one if her posts. Despite people asking whether she will shut the door, she has not said she will. You are the one who is getting things completely wrong.

he layout of the house is such that Billy would not need to walk through the room where the dogs will be. He would be able to see them if he chose to walk past the corridor leading to that part of the house.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:34

@PinkWaferBiscuit

It's literally this cut and dry. I don't understand how anyone can argue any different

Agreed. I just don't understand how anyone can think anyone other than the brother is the unreasonable one in this situation.

I think part of the problem is the thread mentioned dogs and I genuinely believe there is a small portion of MN posters who cannot possibly think anyone with a dog can ever be the reasonable party in a disagreement.

I think so too. If you own a dog you're unreasonable by default.
edwinbear · 28/12/2021 12:34

I have a 12y old DS who is terrified of dogs. In his case it stems from him being chased by an out of control dog in a park when he was 2. We also have very close family friends who have a dog. DS knows if we go to their house, the dog will be there and whilst our friends are super accommodating of his fears, it is the dogs home. DS knows if he wants to visit, he needs to accept the dog will be present. Every time we visit, we have about 30mins of stress, where the dog barks/jumps up because he is pleased/excited to see everyone, DS cries and cowers, our lovely friends put him on a lead in his own house until he calms down a bit, and DS does his bit by trying very hard to calm down himself. Last time we visited, we got DS to the point where he was able to take the dogs lead and actually take him out for a quick walk. He is still frightened of dogs but is slowly learning that the vast majority of dogs, even those that are a bit excitable, won’t hurt him or chase him relentlessly round the park - as a 2 yr old he was just unlucky. It’s taken 10yrs to get to this point though.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:37

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

*Whatiswrongwithmyknee

That is exactly what the op is going to do. Can people not read!?

It's not. The OP said the child would be able to see the dogs when he walked along the corridor. So the dogs will be in the room but will not be shut in the room.

You've got that completely wrong.*

Nope. This is what the OP said in one if her posts. Despite people asking whether she will shut the door, she has not said she will. You are the one who is getting things completely wrong.

he layout of the house is such that Billy would not need to walk through the room where the dogs will be. He would be able to see them if he chose to walk past the corridor leading to that part of the house.

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee where exactly does it say she's leaving a door open? You can see through both my living room doors.. they're made of glass.
ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 12:43

@BoredZelda

So glad to see that the poll is so in favour of OP NBU!

“So glad to see people think dogs are more important than a child’s fear.”

Yes, an animal in it's own home is important. There is only so much we can do, and the OP has positively bent over backwards. So glad that the selfishness of those who enable phobia without getting help doesn't outweigh common sense. I always felt great sympathy and patience for people with phobias such as dog phobias, but the self indulgent and entitled behaviour of some on this thread who clearly want nothing less than 100% locking a dog in a room or putting it to sleep really doesn't do their cause any good. The world can't stop because of your phobias. We try to help and make accommodations, we can't do much more than that, and we certainly won't shut our pets in a locked room for you or put them to sleep or give them away for you. The entitlement from some of you really hardens the attitude against people with phobias so you're your own worst enemy in that respect. It should be about meeting halfway, not making the dog owners take 100% responsibility for something that isn't even their fault. I'm afraid my sympathy for dog phobics is now starting to disappear because of these very posts.
godmum56 · 28/12/2021 12:46

Does anyone else hope the SiL is reading this and feeding back to her asshat husband?

muddyford · 28/12/2021 12:46

What is the boy going to do when he meets police dogs, sniffer dogs in various public and private locations, assistance dogs almost anywhere? His parents need to get a grip and get this sorted out before the boy reaches young adulthood.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 12:47

Because everyone can afford to do that. He is concerned and is asking his own sister to help. Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him

And yet people have suggested OP puts up a stair gate (we all just have those tucked away, don’t we) or put dog in kennels. These things cost money too.

Brother is not concerned enough to offer practical suggestions,

He cares more about nebbing around the house than he does about his kid.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 12:48

@TrashyPanda

Because everyone can afford to do that. He is concerned and is asking his own sister to help. Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him

And yet people have suggested OP puts up a stair gate (we all just have those tucked away, don’t we) or put dog in kennels. These things cost money too.

Brother is not concerned enough to offer practical suggestions,

He cares more about nebbing around the house than he does about his kid.

Or putting them in kennels, also costly!
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/12/2021 12:49

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee where exactly does it say she's leaving a door open? You can see through both my living room doors.. they're made of glass.

You can put paper or something over a door if you want not to be able to see inside. It is the lack of saying that the door will be shut, despite it being repeatedly commented on/ asked which suggests that it won't be, along with saying that the dogs will stay on their beds which is not relevant if the door is shut.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 12:50

@BoredZelda

He's really not that concerned is he? He wouldn't have invited himself if he was? He can see his sister the house etc and stay in one of those things called a hotel!

Because everyone can afford to do that. He is concerned and is asking his own sister to help. Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him.

He shouldn't be dictating to OP what to do in her house ffs. She has been more than accomodating. If he was so concerned then a visit to a house with dogs is not in his sons best interests. You're nuts if you can't see that.

She really hasn’t. If you can’t see that, you’re nuts. Or, another one of those ridiculous “dogs are way more important than children” people.

Short of shooting the dogs, what more can she do than putting them in a part of the house Billy won’t be anywhere near..

He’s 12. He can understand “the dogs are in a room down that corridor” and stay away.

Original poster
DaughterOfEvening · 28/12/2021 12:50

DB has messaged to say that they won’t be coming as it’s too much for Billy (and him)
I could have done without the night of soul searching and worry that I hadn’t been sufficiently accommodating or mindful of Billy’s phobia. I feel that I HAVE been now, given the conversation with DB this morning.

He invited himself, huffed and puffed about the dogs, skirting around the fact that the only way that Billy would be able to visit is if I didn’t have dogs at all.
I could not have done any more.

The layout of the house is such that Billy would not need to visit the part where the dogs would be. This was unacceptable in DB’s opinion.
At our previous home the dogs were shut behind a babygate in a utility area when they visited. Many times I had found Billy standing next to the babygate watching the dogs asleep on their beds and found this strange. Make if this what you will.

OP posts:
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:51

[quote Whatiswrongwithmyknee]**@Whatiswrongwithmyknee where exactly does it say she's leaving a door open? You can see through both my living room doors.. they're made of glass.

You can put paper or something over a door if you want not to be able to see inside. It is the lack of saying that the door will be shut, despite it being repeatedly commented on/ asked which suggests that it won't be, along with saying that the dogs will stay on their beds which is not relevant if the door is shut.[/quote]
The child doesn't even need to go near the room they are in.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 12:52

@BoredZelda

The op isn't a twat. Her brother is the twat.

Yeah, how dare he be concerned about his son.

He doesn't care about his son. If he did, he'd get him some help. He is all about bullying, power, and exerting control. The OP has gone above and beyond, far beyond what most would consider reasonable, even considering sending a YouTube video of that layout - it's got that ridiculous.

The OP cannot be faulted at all in this. Some gratitude from her DB wouldn't go astray. It's not the fault of the person who has the phobia, but they also need to know that it is their problem and any attempt by someone to help make the situation better should be greeted with thanks and gratitude, not stroppiness. The father doesn't seem to give a shit about the son from what I see. Wanting to stay over a place where 2 dogs live, and then dictating and shaming the OP is more evidence of this. I'm afraid he (and your posts) give those with dog phobias a bad name.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 12:54

Glad to hear they won't be coming. I'd definitely make sure you were a listening ear and available for your nephew as he grows, I strongly suspect you will be a good ally to help him overcome his phobia as he grows up.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/12/2021 12:54

The child doesn't even need to go near the room they are in.

But that's completely irrelevant. The point is that knowing the dog can leave the room is going to be frightening for Billy. As others have tried to point out, think of something you are terrified of and then imagine that it was in a room with free access to you if it wanted it. Would the host telling you that it won't leave the room feel like enough protection?

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 28/12/2021 12:55

Fucking hell @BridStar have you had an empathy bypass?

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 28/12/2021 12:55

Glad your brother has seen sense OP. It's the only sensible solution.

FruitMelange · 28/12/2021 12:56

My kid hates dogs so we never go to anyone's houses with dogs. Simple

Same here. People get really offended though, if you don't like their dog. My cousin gets all sniffy and starts banging stuff around when I tell her no thanks, you come to us instead.

ForagingForMullberries · 28/12/2021 12:56

@SummerWillow

My parents disliked dogs so we always had to put them in day care for the day, otherwise we would never have seen them!
Sounds like not seeing them would have been the better option, by the sounds of them!
Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/12/2021 12:56

Such judgement on the brother here! He's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. No-one knows whether he's tried to get help for his son and yet he's being called horrific names for not doing to. No-one knows if the visiting is actually part of a graded exposure which could have a positive effect if the dogs were reliably (and in Billy's head reliably) always in a different part of the house.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:56

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

The child doesn't even need to go near the room they are in.

But that's completely irrelevant. The point is that knowing the dog can leave the room is going to be frightening for Billy. As others have tried to point out, think of something you are terrified of and then imagine that it was in a room with free access to you if it wanted it. Would the host telling you that it won't leave the room feel like enough protection?

You don't know the dogs can leave the room!! I read it that they'd be in that room but the DN could see in IF he went into that part of the house. The OP is showing concern or she wouldn't have posted. She's not going to let her dogs wander round if DN is so scared.