Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 28/12/2021 12:06

If this child really is as frightened as dogs as she says, he wouldn't be comfortable or relaxed with them being locked in a room anyway as he would still know they were there and his phobia would be focused on the worry they would escape. my eXH’s DSD was afraid of dogs to the extent that her mum said once when she drove round to pick up DS that she would be scared even if she was sitting in the car and knew there were dogs in the house.

I don’t know whether that’s still the case but she was when she was much younger.

IF the child is that dog phobic, then it’s a bad idea to bring them to a house where there are dogs, in which case visiting isn’t practically possible.

As parents we have to do what’s best for our children, and that includes finding help for them to get past such life changing phobias.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 12:07

So essentially what you’re saying is that your child doesn’t like off lead dogs, because on lead dogs are under control. In which case it’s not a phobia.

No. She is afraid of dogs full stop. Even an on lead dog coming close will terrify her.

She understands working dogs/guide dogs pose no threat to her because they are focussed on keeping their owner safe. She still wouldn’t go near it but her anxiety is much less than when faced with the unpredictability of any other dog. And it is only now she is 12 and we have helped her with tools for managing her emotions that she is comfortable with working dogs. I think you misunderstand how phobias work if you think anyone with a phobia melts down and runs screaming in every situation. It can be managed with work.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 12:09

His parents could have saved him all of this stress and. fear if they'd have dealt with his fear when he was young.

Oh fuck off with this. We’ve spent years doing this, it really isn’t that simple.

Yerroblemom1923 · 28/12/2021 12:09

@BoredZelda just wondering how your daughter is and wondering if that's part of the issue with my nephew RE dogs... what's her disability?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:09

I don't think they know @RockallMalinHebrides. They just like bashing dog owners by the looks of things

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 12:12

@AlternativePerspective

So it’s logical and sensible that we as a family never visit my parents or my sister? yes. If your children are so dog phobic that they can’t be in the same house as a dog then going into that dog’s territory and expecting to be the one who is fully accommodated is unreasonable. Parents who enable their children’s phobias are doing them no favours what so ever.

It’s entirely understandable to keep dogs away from your own home if you have a dog phobic child.But to expect dogs to be kept away from your children when you are choosing to be in their space is completely unreasonable.

Dogs are a fact of life. I have a guide dog who is out and about and everywhere with me. In shops, on buses, walking down the street, and while he is of course under complete control at all times, a child who is phobic isn’t going to care about that.A dog is a dog, regardless of whether he’s on a lead or not. And a guide dog owner certainly can’t be expected to alter their life in case they come across a child with a dog phobia on the street or the local bus.

If someone with a dog phobic child wants to visit my house they do so in the knowledge that the dogs (I have a retired GD as well,) will be there. At best I will put them on leads, but the build of my house is such that they can’t be shut away, you walk through the kitchen to get into the lounge, and the stairs are open plan out of the kitchen. And I’m fairly sure the organisation would have something to say if I shut my dogs outside for a couple of days.

I wouldn’t take my dogs to the house of someone who is dog phobic, but if they wanted to visit me then they know the deal.Their child’s phobia is thir responsibility, not mine.

this absolutely. my house my choices. I am not (no one is) responsible for the problems of the whole world.
luckylavender · 28/12/2021 12:12

@NorthSouthcatlady - do you understand what a phobia actually is or are you being deliberately difficult?

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 12:14

@BoredZelda

He's really not that concerned is he? He wouldn't have invited himself if he was? He can see his sister the house etc and stay in one of those things called a hotel!

Because everyone can afford to do that. He is concerned and is asking his own sister to help. Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him.

He shouldn't be dictating to OP what to do in her house ffs. She has been more than accomodating. If he was so concerned then a visit to a house with dogs is not in his sons best interests. You're nuts if you can't see that.

She really hasn’t. If you can’t see that, you’re nuts. Or, another one of those ridiculous “dogs are way more important than children” people.

MY dogs in MY house are way more important than OTHER PEOPLE's children.
luckylavender · 28/12/2021 12:14

@smurfsss - what a nasty comment.

Emerald5hamrock · 28/12/2021 12:15

No. She is afraid of dogs full stop. Even an on lead dog coming close will terrify her.
My DS was the SPD and ASD.
His sensory issues went on overdrive, his heart beat thumping, shaking uncontrollable.
No so much with dogs on a lead or service dogs, the beach was a no go for years.
He did grow out of it with medium/small dog, he'd never approach or pet a random dog.

Emerald5hamrock · 28/12/2021 12:16

*was the same.

Howshouldibehave · 28/12/2021 12:16

@BoredZelda when you say Yeah, how dare he be concerned about his son

do you think he would have been better off inviting the OP to their house and bypassing all this hassle!?

It’s his own need to nose at the OP’s house that has started this. He invited them to visit!

godmum56 · 28/12/2021 12:16

@Flaxmeadow

That would be humans

I obviously meant apart from humans

really? I just thought you were either mistaken or lying
luckylavender · 28/12/2021 12:17

@BinChicken3 - I don't suppose 'Billy' chose to be dog phobic or enjoys it much. Maybe some empathy wouldn't go amiss.

SummerWillow · 28/12/2021 12:17

My parents disliked dogs so we always had to put them in day care for the day, otherwise we would never have seen them!

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 28/12/2021 12:17

@lightisnotwhite

Also being scared of of a wild animal isn’t the same as a domesticated pet. I’d be wary of a wild dog but a family pet has grown up with rules and boundaries as part of family life. (Also dogs have recognised emotions and big soppy eyes)
A phobia is a phobia - you aren't getting it. By definition it can be unreasonable and illogical in the so the reality of the threat is irrelevant FGS. You're trying to apply logic to a situation where it doesn't work.

I've worked with someone who was phobic of buttons and could only dress her child in non buttoned clothes and sat next to someone at school who'd freak out at a mere photo of a crocodile/alligator.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:18

@SummerWillow

My parents disliked dogs so we always had to put them in day care for the day, otherwise we would never have seen them!
All well and good if your dog is ok with that. Mine wouldnt be
FairFuming · 28/12/2021 12:21

I hope the visit is going well if it went ahead. I'm facing a similar issue with a friends child and my cat. Cat hates kids and won't go anywhere near but friend still wants me to put her outside even though it's meant to be bellow freezing that day so that I can babysit for her.

Howshouldibehave · 28/12/2021 12:22

@FairFuming

I hope the visit is going well if it went ahead. I'm facing a similar issue with a friends child and my cat. Cat hates kids and won't go anywhere near but friend still wants me to put her outside even though it's meant to be bellow freezing that day so that I can babysit for her.
I hope you’ve said no!

There seems to be a large element of cheeky fuckery in both cases here!

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:23

@FairFuming

I hope the visit is going well if it went ahead. I'm facing a similar issue with a friends child and my cat. Cat hates kids and won't go anywhere near but friend still wants me to put her outside even though it's meant to be bellow freezing that day so that I can babysit for her.
Jesus. That would be a huge no from me. They'd have to find another babysitter. Jesus people have a nerve
Vivi0 · 28/12/2021 12:25

Billy’s dog phobia is not the OP’s problem.

She is happy to accommodate him by keeping the dogs confined to one room during his visit.

If that isn’t going to work for Billy, then perhaps Billy’s parents shouldn’t be taking him to stay overnight in a dog owner’s home.

olivesnutsandcheeseplease · 28/12/2021 12:26

This is probably far more to do with the brother trying to control the OP than dog phobias. I suspect there are issues in the sibling relationship. He probably was always a bit like this OP, trying to get his way and then whinging to mum and dad if it didn't happen then the parents trying to guilt the OP into playing ball in order to keep the peace

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 12:27

@Vivi0

Billy’s dog phobia is not the OP’s problem.

She is happy to accommodate him by keeping the dogs confined to one room during his visit.

If that isn’t going to work for Billy, then perhaps Billy’s parents shouldn’t be taking him to stay overnight in a dog owner’s home.

It's literally this cut and dry. I don't understand how anyone can argue any different
BridStar · 28/12/2021 12:28

@smurfsss

Urgh. The 12 year old sounds like a wet lettuce.

Tell your DB and family not to bother coming.

Ha, this. I'd tell the kid to either toughen up or contact a therapist for his disorder. Attention seekers get a lot less interested in maintaining their whinging when you tell them you're involving the medical profession.
forrestgreen · 28/12/2021 12:28

Is there anywhere you could put a stair gate? Might give him peace of mind and not bother the dogs