Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

[DaughterOfEvening]

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

He’s being unreasonable. He can’t decide to come to nose round your house but then control every part of the visit! I would reply to anything he says, ‘well what about this then?’with, ‘well, don’t come then if you don’t like it?!’

He could come to do a house survey on his own if he’s that bothered!

@BoredZelda

Of course it's logical and sensible to not take someone with a phobia of dogs somewhere where there are dogs.

You realise that means never going anywhere at all? We already avoid parks, public transport and all those”dog friendly” hotels, restaurants, garden centres, attractions etc. People have been whining for 2 years about not being able to see family. We’re expected to do that forever?

No one's saying it's the child's fault, but the father seems more fixated on having a nosey round his sisters house than arranging a meet up where his son would be more comfortable.

Oh plenty of people think my daughter should just snap out of it. Or as parents we should just cure her fear as if it is that easy. My sister and parents live 200 miles away, we can’t just travel up there for an afternoon to have a dog less meet up somewhere for an hour. As I said, thankfully they aren’t twats and we work together to find a solution that suits all of us without having a moan about it on the internet.

The op isn't a twat. Her brother is the twat.

@DaughterOfEvening send him the docking floor plan for when you bought the house and tell him to suck it up or make other plans.

You don’t get to invite yourself AND dictate everything

He’s a shit dad, and a piss poor brother

Not docking… fucking floor plan :)

So glad to see that the poll is so in favour of OP NBU!

“So glad to see people think dogs are more important than a child’s fear.”

So it’s logical and sensible that we as a family never visit my parents or my sister? yes. If your children are so dog phobic that they can’t be in the same house as a dog then going into that dog’s territory and expecting to be the one who is fully accommodated is unreasonable.
Parents who enable their children’s phobias are doing them no favours what so ever.

It’s entirely understandable to keep dogs away from your own home if you have a dog phobic child.But to expect dogs to be kept away from your children when you are choosing to be in their space is completely unreasonable.

Dogs are a fact of life. I have a guide dog who is out and about and everywhere with me. In shops, on buses, walking down the street, and while he is of course under complete control at all times, a child who is phobic isn’t going to care about that.A dog is a dog, regardless of whether he’s on a lead or not. And a guide dog owner certainly can’t be expected to alter their life in case they come across a child with a dog phobia on the street or the local bus.

If someone with a dog phobic child wants to visit my house they do so in the knowledge that the dogs (I have a retired GD as well,) will be there. At best I will put them on leads, but the build of my house is such that they can’t be shut away, you walk through the kitchen to get into the lounge, and the stairs are open plan out of the kitchen. And I’m fairly sure the organisation would have something to say if I shut my dogs outside for a couple of days.

I wouldn’t take my dogs to the house of someone who is dog phobic, but if they wanted to visit me then they know the deal.Their child’s phobia is thir responsibility, not mine.

The op isn't a twat. Her brother is the twat.

Yeah, how dare he be concerned about his son.

@BoredZelda

So glad to see that the poll is so in favour of OP NBU!

“So glad to see people think dogs are more important than a child’s fear.”

That's a very simplistic way of looking at the situation.

Most of those posting absolutely do not think the dog is more important than the child. They do however comprehend that putting the child in this situation isn't fair on him or the dogs. No one wins or has a nice time apart from the selfish brother who gets to nosey round the house.

In this situation the OP is actually being much more considerate of her nephews phobia than his own father.

It’s entirely understandable to keep dogs away from your own home if you have a dog phobic child.But to expect dogs to be kept away from your children when you are choosing to be in their space is completely unreasonable.

Thankfully my family don’t see it as unreasonable and work with us.

Dogs are a fact of life. I have a guide dog who is out and about and everywhere with me. In shops, on buses, walking down the street, and while he is of course under complete control at all times, a child who is phobic isn’t going to care about that.A dog is a dog, regardless of whether he’s on a lead or not. And a guide dog owner certainly can’t be expected to alter their life in case they come across a child with a dog phobia on the street or the local bus.

Guide dogs are absolutely fine. She understands they pose absolutely no risk to her at all and are working dogs.

@BoredZelda

The op isn't a twat. Her brother is the twat.

Yeah, how dare he be concerned about his son.

He shouldn't be dictating to OP what to do in her house ffs. She has been more than accomodating. If he was so concerned then a visit to a house with dogs is not in his sons best interests. You're nuts if you can't see that.

@BoredZelda

The op isn't a twat. Her brother is the twat.

Yeah, how dare he be concerned about his son.

He's really not that concerned is he? He wouldn't have invited himself if he was? He can see his sister the house etc and stay in one of those things called a hotel!

Parents that don't put their child's needs first are not good parents.

That's a very simplistic way of looking at the situation.

That’s the way most dog owners I’ve met view it.

@BoredZelda

So glad to see that the poll is so in favour of OP NBU!

“So glad to see people think dogs are more important than a child’s fear.”

What do you want the OP to do exactly? The dogs are going to be in a room of the house the DN doesn't even need to walk past so what else can she do?

@BoredZelda

That's a very simplistic way of looking at the situation.

That’s the way most dog owners I’ve met view it.

Look it's obviously a very sensitive topic for you but that doesn't mean that the OP is being unreasonable.

You're clearly viewing the situation through your own experiences and not actually recognising that in this situation the child visiting the house is not a sensible decision regardless of where the dogs are.

@BoredZelda
I'm not a fan of dogs I don't know, and feel this is a healthy wariness. But dogs I do know, I trust and love - doesn't mean others do as they don't know that dog.
I think there's a fine balance between teaching children how to behave around dogs eg always ask if it's friendly and ok to stroke it etc and making them too fearful.

He's really not that concerned is he? He wouldn't have invited himself if he was? He can see his sister the house etc and stay in one of those things called a hotel!

Because everyone can afford to do that. He is concerned and is asking his own sister to help. Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him.

He shouldn't be dictating to OP what to do in her house ffs. She has been more than accomodating. If he was so concerned then a visit to a house with dogs is not in his sons best interests. You're nuts if you can't see that.

She really hasn’t. If you can’t see that, you’re nuts. Or, another one of those ridiculous “dogs are way more important than children” people.

Guide dogs are absolutely fine. She understands they pose absolutely no risk to her at all and are working dogs. she’s obviously not dog phobic then. Afraid of dogs yes, but a phobia isn’t particular about what kind of dogs.

I have come across people who are afraid even of my guide dog. I make him sit and stay and they can then get out of my way. But if he was off lead in my house then he is just another dog who will run around, bring you his toys, want to play, he’s just another dog.

So essentially what you’re saying is that your child doesn’t like off lead dogs, because on lead dogs are under control. In which case it’s not a phobia.

@BoredZelda

He's really not that concerned is he? He wouldn't have invited himself if he was? He can see his sister the house etc and stay in one of those things called a hotel!

Because everyone can afford to do that. He is concerned and is asking his own sister to help. Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him.

He shouldn't be dictating to OP what to do in her house ffs. She has been more than accomodating. If he was so concerned then a visit to a house with dogs is not in his sons best interests. You're nuts if you can't see that.

She really hasn’t. If you can’t see that, you’re nuts. Or, another one of those ridiculous “dogs are way more important than children” people.

I'll ask again. What do you suggest the op do?

Perhaps he thought she would care about her nephew. Silly him.

She does care about him and its bloody rude to suggest otherwise. She's trying to find a compromise and clearly the only option that would suit her brother is that the dogs were not there at all.

If this child really is as frightened as dogs as she says, he wouldn't be comfortable or relaxed with them being locked in a room anyway as he would still know they were there and his phobia would be focused on the worry they would escape.

I think there's a fine balance between teaching children how to behave around dogs eg always ask if it's friendly and ok to stroke it etc and making them too fearful.

I have never made my daughter fearful of dogs. I love dogs. I’d love to have one. But since about birth she has been terrified of pretty much any animal. We have no idea why, but apparently it’s not uncommon in kids with her disability. Now she is older she can manage it better, but I’m not going to force her into situations she is really afraid of just because a bunch of entitled dog owners think I should.

@BoredZelda

That's a very simplistic way of looking at the situation.

That’s the way most dog owners I’ve met view it.

I wonder why your daughter had such an issue with dogs? 🤔

@BoredZelda

The op isn't a twat. Her brother is the twat.

Yeah, how dare he be concerned about his son.

What exactly do you want the OP to do? What would you be happy with in this situation?

@BoredZelda

I think there's a fine balance between teaching children how to behave around dogs eg always ask if it's friendly and ok to stroke it etc and making them too fearful.

I have never made my daughter fearful of dogs. I love dogs. I’d love to have one. But since about birth she has been terrified of pretty much any animal. We have no idea why, but apparently it’s not uncommon in kids with her disability. Now she is older she can manage it better, but I’m not going to force her into situations she is really afraid of just because a bunch of entitled dog owners think I should.

Well at least that disproves the theory that every child with a phobia has a dog jump up at them!

@AliceA2021

Some adults enable phobia's rather than try to help treat them. Let's face it Billy will not get better and when out in society will struggle everywhere until someone helps him deal with his phobia. Phobia's being unreasonable levels of fear of a thing.

Yes services are stretched but parents could help by gradual introduction to very safe dogs rather than go down the shut everything away route.

This is true. A GRADUAL introduction.

Not going from avoiding dogs at all costs to being asked to stay in a house where there are two dogs.

Billy's parents are the ones being unreasonable here. It takes a lot of work to get through this sort of thinking. I know, because i've done it with DD. Months and years of work. Forcing a phobic child into a situation of being in a house with dogs is doing him no favours at all. Poor kid.

Poor Billy. His parents have entirely let him down for it to have gotten to this point and they are now deflecting that blame onto OP. His parents could have saved him all of this stress and. fear if they'd have dealt with his fear when he was young. DB sounds like a twat and an incompetent parent.