Page 14 | Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

wetotter · 28/12/2021 11:11

@PinkWaferBiscuit

I wouldn't want to put this amount of stress on a young member of my family so would just move the dogs to another room for the duration of the visit.

Or you know his father could save him any stress at all by not taking him to a house with dogs...

Why should the onus be on the OP and not the child's parent?

Read the Opening Post - being safely out of the way in another room is exactly what OP was arranging.

As the DBro (who is inviting himself, not being invited) has decided thus is insufficient, then the visit will have to be another time, or not involve the nephew in the house at all (DBro's family stay elsewhere, meet dog-free at some local attraction)

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:12

I don’t think people understand how stressful it can be for dog phobic people.

My daughter is afraid of dogs but manages it quite well. However, she is on constant alert if she knows there is a dog in the house and it is exhausting for her.

Anyone who thinks it is as simple as just saying “they won’t come near” might want to think about what their greatest fear is and how they would feel about sharing a home with it. Say you’re afraid of spiders and you know someone has a room full of them in the home. You’re told “they don’t usually come out of that room” but there isn’t really anything to stop them, you’d be entirely comfortable with that?

And suggesting a 12 year old just sits upstairs? That’s awful. My husbands family did that to my daughter once. A family get together where one couple had taken their dog. They all sat in the lounge eating and drinking, and my husband and I were sat in the kitchen with our 10 year old daughter. I overheard one comment that my daughter’s auntie (my sister) has a dog and we go there a lot. I pointed out to her that my sister understands how hard it is for my daughter and doesn’t expect her just to sit in the room with her biggest fear. We left as soon as we could and my husband sarcastically commented how wonderful it was when family makes everyone feel so welcome. Apart from my MIL who was there, we haven’t seen any of them since and don’t intend to either.

Yerroblemom1923 · 28/12/2021 11:13

@PinkWaferBiscuit absolutely but I'm guessing the child wants to visit and it's only the dog situation doing him. Also I'm guessing the parent wants the child to "get over" the phobia and probably feels avoiding all dog-related gatherings isn't the answer.

FruitMelange · 28/12/2021 11:13

I tell my in-laws that my son is scared of dogs, but he isn’t
I have some friends with a dog that licks and jumps all over you. It's a very unlikeable dog and they treat it like a child. I've told them I'm allergic to dog saliva but I'm not. They keep it out of my way now. Other friends wish they'd thought of it first.

RedHelenB · 28/12/2021 11:15

@DaughterOfEvening

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away) Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

Yes. Can't you shut them in one room? I have a dog and old do this.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:15

How logical and sensible. If only this child's father was as considerate of his son.

So it’s logical and sensible that we as a family never visit my parents or my sister?

Thankfully they aren’t so up their own arses with their dogs and realise a little girl can’t help being afraid of dogs.

PerilousPlot · 28/12/2021 11:15

Find another way to meet. Tell your brother you want to have them over but you can't lock up or out your dogs. I'm not a dog person (but I have no phobia) and I'd understand that - wouldn't force someone with a phobia to stay in a house with dogs.

Flaxmeadow · 28/12/2021 11:16

Read the Opening Post - being safely out of the way in another room is exactly what OP was arranging.

But without closing the door. How is that safe? Also what type of dogs are they?

Are people saying they would feel comfortable staying over night in a house with your family with pit bull types, or other powerful dogs, in a room with an open door. Seriously?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 11:17

@Whatiswrongwithmyknee

That is exactly what the op is going to do. Can people not read!?

It's not. The OP said the child would be able to see the dogs when he walked along the corridor. So the dogs will be in the room but will not be shut in the room.

You've got that completely wrong.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 11:17

@Blackberrybunnet

How hard is it to shut your dogs in a room?

Not very which is what the op was planning to do.

nanbread · 28/12/2021 11:21

@Offmyfence
*So you're choosing not to believe anything in the OPs posts?

And she's already covered the door situation, it will be open.

Do remember that the OP had not invited these guests, they've invited themselves.

So if they don't like the arrangement, the very simple answer is... don't come.

But OP is trying to accommodate them, which is very good of her.

You're not a dog lover , are you?*

On the contrary, I love (most) dogs, but there are a lot of dickhead dog owners.

The brother does seem to be acting in a very entitled way and should not have invited himself but having experienced the whole "my dog never jumps up at people and is never at fault" type of owner, many times, I wonder if the reason he is questioning her is because of this kind of past experience.

We all have our sets of beliefs about ourselves which may or may not be true in the eyes of others.

For the sake of her nephew, would it be so hard to shut a door or put a gate up. If that's not enough for the brother then he shouldn't come.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 11:22

So it’s logical and sensible that we as a family never visit my parents or my sister?

Of course it's logical and sensible to not take someone with a phobia of dogs somewhere where there are dogs.

Thankfully they aren’t so up their own arses with their dogs and realise a little girl can’t help being afraid of dogs.

No one's saying it's the child's fault, but the father seems more fixated on having a nosey round his sisters house than arranging a meet up where his son would be more comfortable.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 11:22

@Flaxmeadow

Read the Opening Post - being safely out of the way in another room is exactly what OP was arranging.

But without closing the door. How is that safe? Also what type of dogs are they?

Are people saying they would feel comfortable staying over night in a house with your family with pit bull types, or other powerful dogs, in a room with an open door. Seriously?

Yes. Perfectly comfortable. I've owned my own bull breeds. I'd trust a bull breed not to bite me over a small dog 100 times over.

TheGoogleMum · 28/12/2021 11:25

Couldn't you just promise you'll keep the dogs out of the room your nephew is in? I think your brother is overreacting if that isn't enough

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 11:26

[quote nanbread]@Offmyfence
*So you're choosing not to believe anything in the OPs posts?

And she's already covered the door situation, it will be open.

Do remember that the OP had not invited these guests, they've invited themselves.

So if they don't like the arrangement, the very simple answer is... don't come.

But OP is trying to accommodate them, which is very good of her.

You're not a dog lover , are you?*

On the contrary, I love (most) dogs, but there are a lot of dickhead dog owners.

The brother does seem to be acting in a very entitled way and should not have invited himself but having experienced the whole "my dog never jumps up at people and is never at fault" type of owner, many times, I wonder if the reason he is questioning her is because of this kind of past experience.

We all have our sets of beliefs about ourselves which may or may not be true in the eyes of others.

For the sake of her nephew, would it be so hard to shut a door or put a gate up. If that's not enough for the brother then he shouldn't come.[/quote]
Op has made clear her intentions, the onus is on her DB.

Maybe the OP has two mad red setters that jump everywhere, but her OP makes it clear they are dogs that are lazy and don't jump. Their is little point it trying to offer options to rectify the situation, if you don't believe the situation is true.

It doesn't sound to me like the dogs need to be shut in a room. It could also lead to the dogs barking, because the doors shut. Which I'm sure will further worry the nephew. DB seems to want the dogs put outside, in the wet, cold etc, this would certainly mean my dog would bark.

AliceA2021 · 28/12/2021 11:27

Some adults enable phobia's rather than try to help treat them. Let's face it Billy will not get better and when out in society will struggle everywhere until someone helps him deal with his phobia. Phobia's being unreasonable levels of fear of a thing.

Yes services are stretched but parents could help by gradual introduction to very safe dogs rather than go down the shut everything away route.

BreakfastClub80 · 28/12/2021 11:32

Just a thought but could you use a stair gate to provide a barrier that is more comfortable than a closed door?

Personally I think I would try to facilitate the visit, and would limit my dogs to do so. We have cats and dogs and when other dogs visit, the cats will disappear for a while. It’s not something I want for them but occasionally it’s important for us to see other people who need to bring their dog so we live with it.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 11:34

So glad to see that the poll is so in favour of OP NBU!

89%

nanbread · 28/12/2021 11:36

Yes services are stretched but parents could help by gradual introduction to very safe dogs rather than go down the shut everything away route.

They do need to help him but going to stay somewhere where there are dogs would never be the first step, it's hardly gradual exposure is it.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:37

Of course it's logical and sensible to not take someone with a phobia of dogs somewhere where there are dogs.

You realise that means never going anywhere at all? We already avoid parks, public transport and all those”dog friendly” hotels, restaurants, garden centres, attractions etc. People have been whining for 2 years about not being able to see family. We’re expected to do that forever?

No one's saying it's the child's fault, but the father seems more fixated on having a nosey round his sisters house than arranging a meet up where his son would be more comfortable.

Oh plenty of people think my daughter should just snap out of it. Or as parents we should just cure her fear as if it is that easy. My sister and parents live 200 miles away, we can’t just travel up there for an afternoon to have a dog less meet up somewhere for an hour. As I said, thankfully they aren’t twats and we work together to find a solution that suits all of us without having a moan about it on the internet.

BoredZelda · 28/12/2021 11:39

Yes services are stretched but parents could help by gradual introduction to very safe dogs rather than go down the shut everything away route.

I don’t see why people are always convinced this needs to happen, but tried that. Doesn’t work. The only thing that happens is my child becomes ok with that particular dog.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 11:39

Oh plenty of people think my daughter should just snap out of it. Or as parents we should just cure her fear as if it is that easy. My sister and parents live 200 miles away, we can’t just travel up there for an afternoon to have a dog less meet up somewhere for an hour. As I said, thankfully they aren’t twats and we work together to find a solution that suits all of us without having a moan about it on the internet.

Well done, shame DB is not as accommodating.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 11:40

But without closing the door. How is that safe? Also what type of dogs are they?

OP did not say the door would be open. You made that up.

She said Billy would be able to see the dogs if he deliberately went down the corridor.

That does not necessarily mean the door would be open. It could be the door is glass/has glass panes in it.

Elphame · 28/12/2021 11:40

If your nephew is that bad then he needs a course of desensitising treatment. There are programs available and my older dog has often taken part as a registered therapy dog.

Dogs are everywhere. Such a severe phobia will impact his life badly and your brother is doing him no service.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 11:40

@BoredZelda

Yes services are stretched but parents could help by gradual introduction to very safe dogs rather than go down the shut everything away route.

I don’t see why people are always convinced this needs to happen, but tried that. Doesn’t work. The only thing that happens is my child becomes ok with that particular dog.

So it does work to a certain extent? Can you not build on that? Maybe is worth the DB trying that with his own child. Then it's easy to visit.