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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

634 replies

DaughterOfEvening · 27/12/2021 21:50

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away)
Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers.

I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever.
Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress.
I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then.
Should I be more accommodating?

OP posts:
Emerald5hamrock · 28/12/2021 09:51

Please be sympathetic towards Dbro it isn't easy hearing your DC heart pounding from fear.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 09:54

@User135792468

Surely if you’re dogs are that lazy, they won’t care that they’re shut in a room for a day or two. Then if you need to get them out, you can let Billy know and he can go elsewhere for a bit. If my sister acted this way towards my child, that would be the end of our relationship. How do you care so little about your nephew? Especially as you say the dogs sleep all day. Id understand your reluctance with a puppy or very active dog.
That is exactly what the op is going to do. Can people not read!?
AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 09:55

@Emerald5hamrock

Please be sympathetic towards Dbro it isn't easy hearing your DC heart pounding from fear.
So why take him to a house with dogs?
PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 10:02

@Emerald5hamrock

Please be sympathetic towards Dbro it isn't easy hearing your DC heart pounding from fear.
Why should anyone be sympathetic to a man who is effectively bullying his own child by taking him to a house with dogs in it just so he can see his sisters new house?
Mickarooni · 28/12/2021 10:02

@WasScaredOfDogs

Rather than this becoming a slanging match over which family member gets chained up outside, this could actually be a good opportunity for you to have a positive & lasting effect on your Nephew's life.

As a child, I was petrified of dogs into my early teens.

We didn't have any pets, so the only animals I came into contact with were at friends & relatives.

Cats - Fine.

Dogs - I would (and did) wet myself rather than cross the hallway past the sleeping dog to get to the toilet!

For me, the breed, age, temperament, etc. of the dog made no difference. Even the old, frail, sleeping most docile dog on the planet - I'd be terrified to go near it.

To me, it was just a wild beast that was taking an unhealthy interest in my every move. And it wouldn't go away even if I asked it to!

My biggest fear was being bitten by them.... And because dogs naturally sniff everything - that means their nose and and teeth are getting a lot closer to me than I was happy with - Basically I was terrified of getting bitten or jumped up at ripped apart with its sharp claws!

(as an adult, I realise how silly that sounds... but 12 year old me was terrified of those sharp looking teeth & claws and that snarly, growly noise dogs make when they're just playing and talking "dog"!)

It turns out that one of the "mistakes" I was unwittingly making was to approach a dog and try and stroke its head.... Naturally that made the dog tilt its head upwards to follow and sniff my hand... and that meant those scary teeth getting near my hand again - Fido was clearly trying to bite me and I wanted out of there!!

(a bit like the story of the gingerbread man - when the boy is sitting on the fox's nose, then the fox flicks his nose up and eats the gingerbread man!)

But a lifelong family friend a dog-owner observed what I was doing, how I was interacting with their dogs and what about their dogs that I seemed to be afraid of, or what I was doing that the dog didn't like.

They demonstrated on me - stood up tall above me, reached down to stroke my head - naturally I looked upwards and they pointed out that that's exactly what the dog is doing! - And it clicked!! :D

Thus, they showed me how to tickle the dog under the chin rather than reaching over its head, so the dog was happier and didn't react in the way that scared me.

That family friend, along with another dog-owning family friend (and, in hindsight, their wonderful dogs!!) both completely transformed my attitude to dogs.

Over the years, they observed how & why I was terrified of their pooches. And helped me to understand things from the dog's perspective.

Sometimes they would put the dog on the lead or hold its collar and encourage me to approach and interact with the dog.

Whilst at the same time explaining to me what the dog was thinking.

"He's excited 'cos there's somebody at the door - just like you come to the door and greet us when we visit you"

"He's not barking 'cos he wants to eat you - he's barking 'cos he wants you to play with him. Here, why don't you get that squeaky toy and throw it down the hall for him. See - he likes that!"

"Put some of these biscuits in his bowl for him - see - you're his best friend now!!"

Help them hold the lead when out for walks, etc.

As an adult, I'm fine in the same room and even stroking the most boisterous of dogs!

I owe that entirely to those two family friends & their various wonderful dogs.

I'm not saying that its your responsibility to "fix him"... but if he doesn't have a dog at home - your dogs in your home and around your family would be a good "familiar environment" to help him build his confidence over time. Rather than just isolating the warring factions every visit.

Those friends changed my life - you could do the same for your Nephew :)

This is a really kind and helpful post. :) Thank you for sharing.
Mickarooni · 28/12/2021 10:04

@Emerald5hamrock

Please be sympathetic towards Dbro it isn't easy hearing your DC heart pounding from fear.
He’s purposefully putting his phobic child in an overwhelming situation. I don’t understand it.
bagpuss90 · 28/12/2021 10:08

Dogs are great companions and can be amazingly therapeutic too. I know that’s got nothing to do with the thread -but I just thought I’d mention it 😊

Fluffycloudland77 · 28/12/2021 10:09

I don’t understand why he’s bringing a dog phobic child to a doggy house either.

He sounds like he’s just being nosy anyway.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 10:09

@Emerald5hamrock

Please be sympathetic towards Dbro it isn't easy hearing your DC heart pounding from fear.
But DB is the one insisting on visiting, despite knowing of his child’s phobia.

He is the one who should be sympathetic to his own child.
Looking after your kid is literally his job description as a parent.

Why does this arse deserve sympathy?

EnjoyingTheSilence · 28/12/2021 10:09

You can reassure your db that you take his sons phobia seriously but he also needs to look into getting some help for his son if it is that bad.

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 28/12/2021 10:10

One of you take the dog for a walk when Billy is there? Thats easy and they stay somewhere else if they want overnight.

Emerald5hamrock · 28/12/2021 10:10

I agree he shouldn't take the boy there, seems he really wants to visit Dsis/OP’S new home but can't do it under normal circumstances.
I miss out on so many normal things because of my DC anxious behaviour both not NT it would be lovely if someone was willing to accommodate their needs occasionally even a one off so we could join in.
Totally your choice OP.

ILoveSushi12345 · 28/12/2021 10:10

Well I fucking hate dogs AND kids. Bring on the cats 🐈 🤣

RampantIvy · 28/12/2021 10:10

You sound like a very considerate dog owner, and have done everything you can to make your nephew feel safe. However, this boy's fear of dogs does need addressing.

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 10:13

Dogs bite, maim, maul, infect. It is perfectly reasonable to be fearful. It is stupid to NOT consider animals with big teeth potentially seriously dangerous. It's crazy to me that as a society, we ignore our instincts around predatory, carnivorous animals, even welcoming them into our homes and exposing our children to them

And people rape, torture, abuse, bully, maim, kill other people, starve them to death

You get perverts who watch child sexual abuse for kicks.
You get parents who ignore the fact their child is being abused by their partner

The list goes on and on

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 10:14

@Emerald5hamrock

I agree he shouldn't take the boy there, seems he really wants to visit Dsis/OP’S new home but can't do it under normal circumstances. I miss out on so many normal things because of my DC anxious behaviour both not NT it would be lovely if someone was willing to accommodate their needs occasionally even a one off so we could join in. Totally your choice OP.
But she is being accommodating.

What more can she do?
Put the dogs to sleep?

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 10:14

@Emerald5hamrock

I agree he shouldn't take the boy there, seems he really wants to visit Dsis/OP’S new home but can't do it under normal circumstances. I miss out on so many normal things because of my DC anxious behaviour both not NT it would be lovely if someone was willing to accommodate their needs occasionally even a one off so we could join in. Totally your choice OP.
But how? The op has said the dogs will stop in one room. What else does she need to do?
Flaxmeadow · 28/12/2021 10:17

What utter twaddle

Is this twaddle?

'Figures show an average of around 7,693 admissions to NHS hospitals a year for dog-related injuries, with a total of 23,078 between 2015 and 2018.'

DontTellThemYourNamePike · 28/12/2021 10:17

It sounds to me @DaughterOfEvening that you are trying very hard to be accommodating. The thing that stands out for me is that your brother wants to visit for selfish reasons (primarily nosiness!) and that his child's phobia of dogs is quite far down his list of priorities, no matter what he says. I think if my child was so terrified of dogs, I wouldn't be putting him in the position of staying in the same house as them. He wants to have a good nosey around your house and where you live and expects you to bend over backwards to indulge him. You shouldn't have to put your dogs outside or imprison them in your home. I fully recognise the seriousness of a phobia and how absolutely debilitating it can be, but to be blunt, that is not your problem.

CounsellorTroi · 28/12/2021 10:19

Dogs bite, maim, maul, infect. It is perfectly reasonable to be fearful. It is stupid to NOT consider animals with big teeth potentially seriously dangerous. It's crazy to me that as a society, we ignore our instincts around predatory, carnivorous animals, even welcoming them into our homes and exposing our children to them.

They also do important jobs, providing assistance to people with disabilities to live independently, helping the police, sniffing out drugs, weapons, bombs, even diseases.

Iwonder08 · 28/12/2021 10:21

If it was my house, my dogs andost importantly my nephew I would go extra mile to provide as much reassurance as possible. Specifically about how the dogs physically won't be able to escape the room throughout the whole visit and won't come into contact with the boy. Unless there is pervious, it sounds like your brother is trying to get as much information as possible to reassure the situation rather than exercise control

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 28/12/2021 10:24

Figures show an average of around 7,693 admissions to NHS hospitals a year for dog-related injuries, with a total of 23,078 between 2015 and 2018.'

Why don't you put this in proportion to all admissions and injuries and stop bleating?

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 10:27

@Flaxmeadow

What utter twaddle

Is this twaddle?

'Figures show an average of around 7,693 admissions to NHS hospitals a year for dog-related injuries, with a total of 23,078 between 2015 and 2018.'

Just to put this in context, look at the figures relating to alcohol:

In 2018/19 there were 358 thousand estimated admissions where the main reason for admission to hospital was attributable to alcohol

An estimated 7,860 people were killed or injured when at least one driver was over the drink-drive limit

TrashyPanda · 28/12/2021 10:28

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Figures show an average of around 7,693 admissions to NHS hospitals a year for dog-related injuries, with a total of 23,078 between 2015 and 2018.'

Why don't you put this in proportion to all admissions and injuries and stop bleating?

Cross post!
Star81 · 28/12/2021 10:28

I think you’ve made reasonable adjustments so Billy will be ok. At the end of your day your brother always knew you had dogs so short of kennels for the night what else did he expect.