Page 10 | Nephew is dog phobic. Visiting dilemma

DaughterOfEvening · 2021-12-27T21:50:02+00:00

I’ve kept this quite vague as my SIL is on here. DB has asked to come and visit us with their children, all three over 6. We don’t live close by, a few hours drive. We have room for them to stay. They have not yet visited our house as we moved during lockdown. Their eldest is 12 and has always been dog phobic (will scream, cry, run away) Phone call today from DB asking for detailed layout of the house and where the dogs will be as “Billy” won’t be in the same room as a dog. We have two very lazy dogs who sleep for 20+ hours a day. The dogs are not barkers or jumpers. I have reassured him that neither dog will be wandering around and that they will stay on their respective beds in one room downstairs. The dogs have never been upstairs. Ever. Brother has said that it’s not enough, that’s it’s nothing personal. He’s just not willing to put Billy under any stress. I’m not sure if he’s expecting me to shut the dogs outside but if he asked this then my polite response would be oh dear, you have long drive back then. Should I be more accommodating?

DontWiltMySpinachPlease · 28/12/2021 09:27

@MajorCarolDanvers

My in-laws keep their dog in the kitchen when we visit.

If the child is phobic yes you should be more accommodative accept that the child will not be able to come.

She's already explained that her nephew wouldn't pass the dogs at all as they'll be in a separate area of the house.

Ultimately its the dogs' house, not the nephew's.

neveradullmoment99 · 28/12/2021 09:28

Dogs bite, maim, maul, infect. It is perfectly reasonable to be fearful. It is stupid to NOT consider animals with big teeth potentially seriously dangerous. It's crazy to me that as a society, we ignore our instincts around predatory, carnivorous animals, even welcoming them into our homes and exposing our children to them.

This! 100%

lobsteroll · 28/12/2021 09:28

Your brother sounds selfish. His curiosity about your new house seems to trump his child's fears. He's trying to put the onus on you when really he just shouldn't be visiting with the nephew at all if it's that bad.

On a separate note, there is no way I would let my child get to 12 years old and have such an intense phobia of dogs. It is debilitating and he isn't going to be able to avoid them for all of his adult life. They should have definitely got him help by now. They have really done him a disservice by letting it go on for this long. It isn't like a fear of snakes or spiders because the chances of seeing them frequently are so few.

LakieLady · 28/12/2021 09:28

@AsYouWishButtercup

For my nieces and nephew I think I’d probably try and get a friend or family member to dog sit. A little sympathy for the poor lad wouldn’t go amiss, these people suggesting ways to be awkward about it all are just dicks

I'd gladly look after someone's dogs for a day or two if they had someone visiting who couldn't be around dogs.

I think it's a bit cheeky of the brother though, who seems to have invited himself and then started to try and dictate what should be done with the dogs. I have a phobia, and simply wouldn't visit someone in their home if they kept the animals that terrify me.

Grida · 28/12/2021 09:28

Reading this thread has made me think that there might be more ‘snowflake’ dogs/dog owners than there are ‘snowflake’ children. Why is it ok to accommodate dog’s needs, but when parents try to do this for children it is considered pathetic?

Not directed at you OP as your situation sounds tricky and I think you have tried to accommodate both

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 28/12/2021 09:29

It is perfectly reasonable to be fearful. On that basis it's perfectly reasonable to be fearful of cats and cars and grapes.

NatashaBedwouldbenice · 28/12/2021 09:31

It's a bit late now, but I am wondering what I would do. I love my nieces and nephews to bits, so I'd be grateful that my sibling had brought this up. I'd ask them what they needed from me, and then I'd consider whether I'd do it or not.
Borrow a child gate and confine the dogs to one room? Yes.
Lock the dogs outside all day? No.

Scrabblecrabapple · 28/12/2021 09:31

You obviously don’t like your nephew very much. A phobia is debilitating and yes I agree he needs to get over it but part of the issue is undoubtedly likely the way dog owners let their dogs behave. Dogs can be unpredictable and owners seems blinded by it ‘he’s just saying hello, won’t bite, jumping/licking means he likes you’. Where the phobia has probably come from.

Anyway DB has outlined what parameters for your nephew to visit, you either want to see him or don’t care enough to make this happen.

AllThingsServeTheBeam · 28/12/2021 09:33

@Scrabblecrabapple

You obviously don’t like your nephew very much. A phobia is debilitating and yes I agree he needs to get over it but part of the issue is undoubtedly likely the way dog owners let their dogs behave. Dogs can be unpredictable and owners seems blinded by it ‘he’s just saying hello, won’t bite, jumping/licking means he likes you’. Where the phobia has probably come from.

Anyway DB has outlined what parameters for your nephew to visit, you either want to see him or don’t care enough to make this happen.

Have you actually read any of the ops posts? There is no other option. The DB is being a twat. End of story.

PinkWaferBiscuit · 28/12/2021 09:34

You obviously don’t like your nephew very much.

Whay a load of crap, she seems to be the only one advocating for the poor kid. His own father would rather subject him to his phobia so he can nosey at his sisters new house.

Anyway DB has outlined what parameters for your nephew to visit, you either want to see him or don’t care enough to make this happen.

Read the thread, he's made no suggestions or worked with the OP to make a plan, all he's done is say she's not being accommodating simply because she has the audacity to own dogs.

MzHz · 28/12/2021 09:34

You’re right it’s about control, a whole heap of jealousy and resentment probably too

He invited himself
He’s saying he’s not convinced Billy will be safe, but Billy WILL be safe but won’t feel it

Nothing you (or his dad) can do about that - except get help

It’s appalling that he hasn’t got this sorted before now. The kid is 12 ffs!

MintyGreenDream · 28/12/2021 09:36

If you were asking to stay at his house with a dog then ywbu but they're coming to you and know you have a dog!

MarshmallowFondant · 28/12/2021 09:36

@Flaxmeadow

What kind of dogs are they?

To a dog-phobic child that really doesn't matter. My child was as terrified of ancient soppy labradors who could barely drag themselves round the garden as she was of rottweilers and other breeds people consider "dangerous". The breed doesn't matter, the size doesn't matter, the temperament doesn't matter.

The only dogs she was OK with at her most frightened stage were guide dogs and dogs in places like airports as she knew they were exceptionally well trained and would not bark or jump or even come near her.

Some of the comments on this thread about a child (and yes, 12 is a child) with a genuine phobia. I also came across so many of those well-meaning but utterly misguided dog fans who thought it was their job or mission to "cure" my child by promising they would keep their dog on a lead or in the other room and then - oops! - let it out/off to show her how adorable it was . Utterly counter-productive.

So I do get where your DB is coming from looking for reassurances. But putting his child in that situation in the first place is not something I would have done, it's too much stress for a child who is so frightened of dogs. It takes a lot of work to get to that stage.

This is a mental health issue. So much for the "be kind" or "it's OK not to be OK" when it comes to the unhinged dog people on MN who just can't comprehend that people might not like their animals, others might be desperately terrified of them.

hellsbells99 · 28/12/2021 09:37

Can you put a stair gate up at the door of the room the dogs are in? Then your nephew will know they cannot get out.

Offmyfence · 28/12/2021 09:38

@Movingsoon21

OP do you not want a good relationship with your nephew/brother? Ultimately it comes down to what is more important to you - family or animals?!

Ultimately they can meet outside the house? But DB doesn't want that!

InTheNameOfAllThatIsHonest · 28/12/2021 09:39

Your home, your rules. Your dogs live there, it's their home. If your DB wants to visit that's lovely but he shouldn't put conditions on how his visit will work once he's in your home. If anyone didn't want our dogs around when they visit, they are welcome not to visit.

MajorCarolDanvers · 28/12/2021 09:40

Ultimately its the dogs' house, not the nephew's

Duh! Thanks for clearing that up 🤦‍♀️

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 28/12/2021 09:40

Dogs bite, maim, maul, infect. It is perfectly reasonable to be fearful. It is stupid to NOT consider animals with big teeth potentially seriously dangerous. It's crazy to me that as a society, we ignore our instincts around predatory, carnivorous animals, even welcoming them into our homes and exposing our children to them.

What utter twaddle.

User135792468 · 28/12/2021 09:42

Surely if you’re dogs are that lazy, they won’t care that they’re shut in a room for a day or two. Then if you need to get them out, you can let Billy know and he can go elsewhere for a bit. If my sister acted this way towards my child, that would be the end of our relationship. How do you care so little about your nephew? Especially as you say the dogs sleep all day. Id understand your reluctance with a puppy or very active dog.

Flaxmeadow · 28/12/2021 09:44

MarshmallowFondant

I agree and I'm not even sure it is phobia but more a reasonable reaction to the huge amount of dog bites and attacks on children. People are right to be wary of dogs.

But if the dogs are a tiny chihuahuas and not pit bull types then the risk is greatly reduced.

Emerald5hamrock · 28/12/2021 09:47

I haven't rtft. My DS was similar, once we stayed with my Dbro he has 2 calm dogs it was the best thing ever by day 2 DS was happily sitting with the dogs and it cured him of his fear, now he has his own dog.

Whatiswrongwithmyknee · 28/12/2021 09:47

Hi OP. I've read all your posts and am a bit confused - apologies if I've missed something. It sounds like you're saying that you are completely confident that the dogs will stay on their beds but that also you won't shut the door to the room they're in. Why won't you shut the door? I'm fine with dogs but if someone had a tarantula in the house and said the same as you're saying about the dogs, there is no way in hell I'd visit. If it were safely in a tank in a room I didn't need to go into, that would be different. Poor Billy does need some help and I hope they can source some for him. But asking him, at the current time, to walk past a door which is open and in which there are 2 of the things which terrify him probably is a bit much tbh.

neveradullmoment99 · 28/12/2021 09:47

@ChardonnaysPetDragon

Dogs bite, maim, maul, infect. It is perfectly reasonable to be fearful. It is stupid to NOT consider animals with big teeth potentially seriously dangerous. It's crazy to me that as a society, we ignore our instincts around predatory, carnivorous animals, even welcoming them into our homes and exposing our children to them.

What utter twaddle.

MarshmallowFondant · 28/12/2021 09:48

Yes, @Flaxmeadow I know. But you and I are coming at it from the logical assessment of threat side of things - a small yorkshire terrier is less of a threat than a massive german shepherd.

But to a phobic child, the threat is the same.

ChardonnaysPetDragon · 28/12/2021 09:51

Still utter twaddle.