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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My in laws came for early lunch at 11:30 and they are still here

399 replies

DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 16:34

AIBU to think it is about time they pushed off?

I've fed them lunch, cheese, cake, mince pies, booze and endless cups of tea. We've 'done' presents. We've had the dull conversations about money (them) and covid (a hoax apparently). I have resisted plunging a knife into one or all of them.

I want a bath and a nice glass of wine and some P&Q. What is the etiquette for getting them gone?

OP posts:
TameDucksAtChatsworth · 27/12/2021 19:06

I don't think you're guilty of coercive control, OP but I do think that you have a miserable and mean heart.

Still, Karma and all that!

Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 19:08

@TameDucksAtChatsworth

I don't think you're guilty of coercive control, OP but I do think that you have a miserable and mean heart.

Still, Karma and all that!

Ha. Yes. My heart is blacker than the blackest coal. Fact c
OP posts:
TameDucksAtChatsworth · 27/12/2021 19:10

@DownToTheSleighAgain

Listen. I don't resent them (although I have been known to opine that life would be easier if DH were 'n orphan). They just stayed too long and talked too much total bollox and I wanted a bath.

Cooking for 13 is sweaty stuff.

Wonder what you'll say to him when they do die if you have really "opined" this, even in "fun".

Any sympathy is going to sound pretty hollow and maybe that's when he'll wake up and smell the coffee.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 27/12/2021 19:10

Mine will be here Wednesday and leave Friday. Yesterday my parents came for lunch and left about midnight… it was lovely. Can’t imagine wanting them to rush off, although we hardly see them.

CaptSkippy · 27/12/2021 19:11

@DownToTheSleighAgain
I think you are being given a hard time for no reason, especially considering you do a hell of a lot more for your in-laws than your partner does for his.
I also find it ridiculous that people say a man would get told off is he went to do his own thing is his in-laws were still there. Most people think this is normal and acceptable.

OP, just let your partner serve his own parents, since he won't serve yours and just go have your bath or do you own thing. You don't need to be accomodating to the point you start to resent people. Take care of yourself.

XmasCrap · 27/12/2021 19:12

I think you're a saint, OP. In 24 years I have never hosted my in-laws and never will.

Double3xposure · 27/12/2021 19:12

You are taking all these handmaid comments in good humour OP.

I hope you this thread has taught you to be a better person. And next time your PIL come to visit you need to leave all the shopping , cooking, cleaning and serving to your husband,

Just sit on the sofa smiling and nodding and drinking copious amounts of gin. I promise you will find their views much less annoying.

So you can be a kind and lovely person and your husband can be the mean and selfish one.

Noisyprat · 27/12/2021 19:15

I don't understand why you were up at 8 doing all that stuff. What was DH doing? Surely as his family are coming he is 'in charge' running the show and you are a 'helper'. If mumsnet is to be believed most male 'helpers' just do what they want as long as it doesn't involve planning anything, cooking anything, serving anything, tidying up anything. Now that's my kinda day.

You are moaning OP because you didn't just leave it to your DH, not much sympathy from here!

IamGusFring · 27/12/2021 19:16

Why would you not make it clear to them before they came what time you would be looking to finish up/get kids ready for bed / tea whatever ?

Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 19:17

@Noisyprat

I don't understand why you were up at 8 doing all that stuff. What was DH doing? Surely as his family are coming he is 'in charge' running the show and you are a 'helper'. If mumsnet is to be believed most male 'helpers' just do what they want as long as it doesn't involve planning anything, cooking anything, serving anything, tidying up anything. Now that's my kinda day.

You are moaning OP because you didn't just leave it to your DH, not much sympathy from here!

Wasn't asking for sympathy. Just advice. Acted upon advice (knife waving) and all is now well.

Thank you

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/12/2021 19:19

@fetchacloth coz feminism would be wanting to kill your inlaws right?

Blondeshavemorefun · 27/12/2021 19:21
    • 430 isn’t that bad

Do they live far away or a mile

How often do you see them

Think that makes a diff

Why can’t you have wine why they are there

Oldnproud · 27/12/2021 19:21

@foxgoosefinch

That sounds rather like coercive control - or at least that's what half of you would be calling it if it was the man in the relationship behaving like that rather than the woman!

From the Women's Aid website:
"Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:
Isolating you from friends and family
Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
Monitoring your time
Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Making threats or intimidating you."

Yeah, that's right @Oldnproud - dropping a few hints to your husband that he should look after your overstaying in-laws instead of you is just like coercive control. Oh yes, you're quite right there. Hmm

This, when it is known that the husband likes his parents being there, is controlling behaviour: Dropping plenty of hints that you'll be gone and you're not expecting them to be there when you get out of your bath".

Plus we only have one side of the story, one person's word that she did all the 'hosting'.

TheCreamCaker · 27/12/2021 19:22

Keep yawning. Put your pyjamas and face cream on.

My husband used to get up and go to bloody bed when people outstayed their welcome (leaving me to deal with the fuckers)

DagenhamRoundhouse · 27/12/2021 19:23

Turn off the heating!

Fredstheteds · 27/12/2021 19:23

A 2 year old is useful lots of noise

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/12/2021 19:23

@Oldnproud I find it hard to believe that she did all the hosting. She was busy moaning here on how awful it was of them to turn up to spend time with their son and his family

BlackCatz · 27/12/2021 19:24

My husband used to get up and go to bloody bed when people outstayed their welcome

Rude as fuck.

Pixxie7 · 27/12/2021 19:28

If you don’t see them often perhaps it’s why your DH likes seeing them.

Suburbanqueen · 27/12/2021 19:28

Say 'Would you like a coffee before you leave?' Open the curtains and the windows.

MrsBerthaRochester · 27/12/2021 19:34

Hope you enjoying yiur bath op. Have another large wine to celebrate them buggering off.
My horrible inlaws used to come round EVERY friday for 4/5 hours! While dh was at work.
They stopped speaking to me when I told them we were going to have xmas in our own house for a change. Bliss.

foxgoosefinch · 27/12/2021 19:36

@Oldnproud @UnshakenNeedsStirring

I have a small inkling that you're the kind of in-laws who like to turn up, outstay your welcome and expect your sons' partners to wait on you hand and foot while you indulge your son and give your various opinions about what people should do an airing...?

Otherwise, I can't quite see why OP's thread should have struck quite such a nerve about what you think women should be doing and who they should be serving and who should be the important people in the equation.

God forbid that during a whole day of domestic servitude, a woman so much as posts on a forum on her phone, the lazy hussy! If she has time to post on mumsnet, she has time to do a bit more serving. She should set to giving out teas and nodding and smiling at daft boomers' opinions -- that's what sons get married for, isn't it?

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2021 19:39

Thank you @foxgoosefinch - I didn't think it was coercive control doing what I had suggested and it is nice to have that confirmed.

FuckeryIsAfoot · 27/12/2021 19:40

@papayaorange

So many horrible people on here and incredibly rude.
I know, right? I can't imagine being so rude that I would stay in someone else's house for 5 hours when all I was invited for was lunch and exchanging presents.
fetchacloth · 27/12/2021 19:48

No of course not.

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