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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My in laws came for early lunch at 11:30 and they are still here

399 replies

DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 16:34

AIBU to think it is about time they pushed off?

I've fed them lunch, cheese, cake, mince pies, booze and endless cups of tea. We've 'done' presents. We've had the dull conversations about money (them) and covid (a hoax apparently). I have resisted plunging a knife into one or all of them.

I want a bath and a nice glass of wine and some P&Q. What is the etiquette for getting them gone?

OP posts:
MissLucyEyelesbarrow · 27/12/2021 18:29

@Cherrytart23

When I see posts like this I always think wonder how you will feel in the future when your own dc have no time for you. Dh is not weird for liking his parents ffs these people brought him into this world and brought him up and you can't even sit with them for a few hours because it's bath night grow up!
I feel sorry for all the parents who are never allowed just to hang out with their adult DC (mainly sons) once the DC are partnered up. That must feel like such a loss.

Flowers to all the parents in this position.

ThePlumVan · 27/12/2021 18:31

Only on MN would this be presented as an issue 😂😂😂😂😂

schnubbins · 27/12/2021 18:32

Why do people bother getting married knowing they are going to have their awful in laws for the rest of their lives bothering them.dread to think what is coming when my sons have families.

Firstruleofsoupover · 27/12/2021 18:36

What is a good amount of time to spend when invited for lunch? If the relationships are strong and all involved confident that an extended invitation is implied ie we go on to tea and cake etc a couple of hours after lunch has finished, then maybe 5 or 6 hours? If the host is also mum or dad to folk younger than teen - should it be less? 5-6 hours is quite a long time.

If relationships are not that strong and there have been difficulties in the year then should it maybe be...4 hours? Plenty of time to see all involved, get involved, share some stories and jokes and presents and...us visitors say "well it has been lovely and we will now depart having enjoyed ourselves and your hospitality greatly. Thank you once again."

Very difficult nobody wants to be rude (or shouldn't want to be) but these protracted visits do no-one any good - maybe even both parties secretly watching the clock - where in fact a shorter visit could be better enjoyed by all.

Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 18:38

@schnubbins

Why do people bother getting married knowing they are going to have their awful in laws for the rest of their lives bothering them.dread to think what is coming when my sons have families.
Can I just say that from the perspective of my (very hot) bath and (large) glass of wine I also sometimes wonder why I got married.

However after 25 years together and having pushed x4 (G)DC out of my faj I don't think my in laws or DH have it bad. They are regularly fed and watered by me. They know their DC is content in his relationship (also regularly fed and watered). They have four grandchildren who make them happy and so far I haven't actually stabbed them.

Win Win if you ask me.

OP posts:
Oldnproud · 27/12/2021 18:43

@LookItsMeAgain

My advice is to make a public exit. By that I mean if you're going to have a bath, make sure they are aware that you're leaving and you won't be returning expecting to see them there. So something like "Right, James & Ann, I'll say good bye to you now as I'm going up for a long soak in a hot bath and will be some time. It was lovely seeing you today. Hope you had a lovely time here and I'll catch up with you again another time." Then to your DH you need to say "Ok DH, I'm going for my bath now. Will you look after seeing that your parents get home safely please? If they need to order a taxi for example? You will, that's great. Ok. I'm off now and will see you in a while DH" Dropping plenty of hints that you'll be gone and you're not expecting them to be there when you get out of your bath.

If they are there when you come back down you can feign ignorance and say "Oh goodness, James & Ann, I thought you'd be long gone by now. Did DH not sort out that taxi for you? Will I???"

Something along those lines Grin

That sounds rather like coercive control - or at least that's what half of you would be calling it if it was the man in the relationship behaving like that rather than the woman!
WinterWeather1 · 27/12/2021 18:44

You have my sympathy OP.
Mine came round yesterday for lunch and stayed for nearly 7 hours!! It's not like they had to travel far to us, they only live down the road!
I do really like my in laws but I was knackered after hosting all day whilst DH was sat there oblivious to any of my hints. In the end, I resorted to just taking a nap on the sofa in front of them while they entertained DD 😂

DebbieHarrysCheekbones · 27/12/2021 18:44

If they came for lunch and not the rest of the day by now they should have buggered off
Enjoy your bath

Ohyesiam · 27/12/2021 18:45

Say you’re getting a headache and need a nap/ bath. Can’t see how that would be a problem.

Porthia · 27/12/2021 18:46

Oh god OP. Mine were here for 5 DAYS! Kept asking when they thought they might need to get on the road to be met with “oh, no rush!”

#FML.

And I think OP is getting short shrift. Just like the OP I have to do all the catering, planning, organising. It’s not like DH would ever do any of that whether it’s the in laws or not.

At some point it’s ok to just want people to not be in your home.

FestiveMelts · 27/12/2021 18:46

I'm very close to my parents and see them regularly, yet we have never hosted them for hours on end. It's not a DIL thing. People are free to see their sons whenever. THEY can host, or go out somewhere. Or by all means visit, just don't stay all day long (while the wife waits on you).

Shallwegoforawalk · 27/12/2021 18:46

@UnshakenNeedsStirring have you just arrived from the 1950's? Confused OP's DH has done fuck all but it's all up to OP to run around and serve? Jesus wept. And people ask why we still need feminism. Angry

maryzx · 27/12/2021 18:48

@DownToTheSleighAgain I suspect you have been on MN since the good old days when it was completely reasonable to feel stabby about PIL who outstay their welcome.

If you're lucky, you'll have someone suggest that you might have a drink problem.

You summarise a functional marriage brilliantly.

JennyForeigner · 27/12/2021 18:50

@oldnproud If that's your idea of coercive control, you know bugger all about coercive control.

OP: you've made me laugh. Bit shocked by some of the replies though. I thought MNs were known for their sense of humour?

ChrissyPlummer · 27/12/2021 18:50

I see that they have already left. In future, you could try standing up and whistling the national anthem.

Mylittlecoconuts · 27/12/2021 18:50

@papayaorange

So many horrible people on here and incredibly rude.
Was thinking the exact same thing.
MyrtlethePurpleTurtle · 27/12/2021 18:55

@DownToTheSleighAgain

If only it were that simple. He likes having them around. #weird
Yeah - what a weird fucker to enjoy spending time with his parents in his home
LakieLady · 27/12/2021 18:56

My ex-MIL was interminably dull and mind-bogglingly dim. Sometimes I would just take the dogs for a long walk, or develop a migraine that meant I had to take to my bed, but I also had an arrangement with a friend that if I texted a "rescue me" message, she would give it 20 minutes and then phone me.

I would make lots of sympathetic noises, and retreat upstairs to have a conversation with her in private. Then I'd come back down and say that I was really sorry, but friend X had had the most awful news/been dumped by boyfriend/was stranded miles away and needed rescuing or any other excuse that would get me out of the house for a couple of hours.

My ex was mind-bogglingly dim too, and never put 2+2 together.

You have my sympathies, OP.

SivvyPlath · 27/12/2021 18:56

See her update about getting up at 7am to prep, & how she did all the cooking & clearing up

More fool her then.

fetchacloth · 27/12/2021 18:58

[quote Shallwegoforawalk]@UnshakenNeedsStirring have you just arrived from the 1950's? Confused OP's DH has done fuck all but it's all up to OP to run around and serve? Jesus wept. And people ask why we still need feminism. Angry[/quote]
I agree. It's a feminism fail here 🙄

foxgoosefinch · 27/12/2021 19:00

That sounds rather like coercive control - or at least that's what half of you would be calling it if it was the man in the relationship behaving like that rather than the woman!

From the Women's Aid website:
"Coercive control is an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten their victim.
Some common examples of coercive behaviour are:
Isolating you from friends and family
Depriving you of basic needs, such as food
Monitoring your time
Monitoring you via online communication tools or spyware
Taking control over aspects of your everyday life, such as where you can go, who you can see, what you can wear and when you can sleep
Depriving you access to support services, such as medical services
Repeatedly putting you down, such as saying you’re worthless
Humiliating, degrading or dehumanising you
Controlling your finances
Making threats or intimidating you."

Yeah, that's right @Oldnproud - dropping a few hints to your husband that he should look after your overstaying in-laws instead of you is just like coercive control. Oh yes, you're quite right there. Hmm

irregularegular · 27/12/2021 19:01

Hmmm. I think it depends on what (if anything) you agreed in the first place! If we had family members coming for a Christmas meal and presents on 27th Dec then I'd expect them to be there all day unless we'd said otherwise in advance. I think if they were invited for lunch but definitely not for an evening meal then about 6-7 you can tell them that it was lovely to see them but you need to feed the family now. But not much before.

Of course if it was agreed in advance that they would leave at about 4pm then that's different. Then you can do a "I assume you'll want to be getting off then..."

pilates · 27/12/2021 19:03

What a depressing thread.

If you are going to host do it graciously or not at all.

Plus get your husband and children on board to help out so you’re not doing everything and next time don’t invite them so bloody early.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 27/12/2021 19:06

@HippeePrincess

If you’re feeling particularly rude go and run your bath and their son/daughter can entertain them for the rest of the time they’re around. It’s not an unusual length of time to spend around family at Xmas though so you are a little unreasonable.
It's called 'outstaying your welcome'. That is what's rude.
Youaremypenguin · 27/12/2021 19:06

Start to hoover around them, tidy up, plump the cushions and say you must get on with your task. "Gosh is that the time! I had no idea, I must get on with the day!". Heating off, get tidied up, hoover and dust. Do the ironing, clean the kitchen etc etc. Basically make it feel really awkward for them to stay. If that fails tell them your shattered, it was lovely seeing them but your going to have a bath......go for a bath!

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