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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My in laws came for early lunch at 11:30 and they are still here

399 replies

DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 16:34

AIBU to think it is about time they pushed off?

I've fed them lunch, cheese, cake, mince pies, booze and endless cups of tea. We've 'done' presents. We've had the dull conversations about money (them) and covid (a hoax apparently). I have resisted plunging a knife into one or all of them.

I want a bath and a nice glass of wine and some P&Q. What is the etiquette for getting them gone?

OP posts:
ChubbyMorticia · 27/12/2021 18:14

Well, since your DH enjoys their company, why doesn't he step up and do the hosting? His parents after all. Or is being served while he sits on his butt part of the enjoyment?

I don't blame you in the slightest. The crap about the pandemic would have them chucked out into the snow in my house. Granted, I'd hold the door while DH did the chucking, but that's just not tolerated in my home, period. Don't care who it is.

justamumseekingadvice · 27/12/2021 18:15

@DownToTheSleighAgain life would be easier for you if your own partners parents were dead? Honestly you sound like a horrible woman and poor them having their son settle down with someone like you. Very sad way of going about life you have.

FestiveMelts · 27/12/2021 18:15

I'm totally with you, Op. Visit etiquette should be a two-way street and part of being a good guest is not over-staying. 5 hours IS a long time considering you've also had all the prep to do beforehand. If your DH wants to see more of them he can pay them a visit at any time.

heathspeedwell · 27/12/2021 18:15

OP you sound absolutely lovely. I hope you're enjoying your evening and that your husband spoils you tomorrow to make up for all the hard work that you put in today. I'm raising a glass of wine to you in solidarity!

Stiffcondomhat · 27/12/2021 18:16

I'd only I were also a step parent who had parked badly then I would be MN gold.

Brilliant OP! 👏 enjoy your peace

Hadjab · 27/12/2021 18:16

But DH hasn't hosted this own parents. OP did it. See her update about getting up at 7am to prep, & how she did all the cooking & clearing up. And yet you're calling her selfish, arrogant & self-centred?! What about the man who just sat back & let it all be done for him?

@ChargingBuck but who’s fault is that? This site never fails to amaze me with the amount of women who allow that shit. Start as you mean to go on. There’s no way in hell I’d be hosting his family if he isn’t pulling his weight

Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 18:16

@Hadjab

Completely accept that I am being unreasonable to those of you who adore their in laws but in a similar situation my family would come for lunch, have lunch, chat briefly, then leave. I'd be a couple of hours into my bath at least by now

Is that because they don’t like you OP?

No. It's because we don't waste time on bollox chat but do and support each other practically. It is just how we are.

Also we don't think Covid precautions are 'silly' or that Donald Trump is to be venerated as a businessman.

Different folks. Different strokes innit.

OP posts:
Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 18:17

@heathspeedwell

OP you sound absolutely lovely. I hope you're enjoying your evening and that your husband spoils you tomorrow to make up for all the hard work that you put in today. I'm raising a glass of wine to you in solidarity!
I am fab. I comment upon it regularly. Grin
OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/12/2021 18:17

@foxgoosefinch Its not satire, I was trying to get OP to understand how she would feel if she was at the receiving end fgs

ChubbyMorticia · 27/12/2021 18:18

You don't need to dicuss covid. Can you not spend time with people who have different views to you ?

Some views are intolerable and do not fly.

In my home, they include racism, homophobia, transphobia, praising Residential Schools (Canada's attempt to wipe out the Indigenous Peoples), and Covid denying.

Nobody espousing those views are welcome in our home or around our children. They'd be booted immediately.

ironorchids · 27/12/2021 18:19

What prompted them to leave in the end?

Longcovid21 · 27/12/2021 18:19

Yabu. Poor bastards.

Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 18:19

[quote UnshakenNeedsStirring]@foxgoosefinch Its not satire, I was trying to get OP to understand how she would feel if she was at the receiving end fgs[/quote]
Of what? Loads of delicious cooked from scratch food.

OP posts:
Porcupineintherough · 27/12/2021 18:20

God, mumsnet at Christmas is a real eye opener. Half the site bemoaning the fact that COVID means they cant see family, the other half moaning because they can.

Original poster
DownToTheSleighAgain · 27/12/2021 18:20

@ironorchids

What prompted them to leave in the end?
I waved knives around and made stabby gestures.
OP posts:
fetchacloth · 27/12/2021 18:20

Did you discuss the length of stay with the inlaws before they arrived? Surely you would need to know that in advance for food shopping and in case their extended visit clashed with anything else you had arranged over Christmas.

GettingStuffed · 27/12/2021 18:20

I could have a sent you a recording of DD coughing her guts up, it's not Covid as she had that about 2 months ago but she reckons this cold is worse. That should have scared them away.

Thomasina79 · 27/12/2021 18:21

Tell them you have a heavy period and need a bath, hot water bottle and bed!

foxgoosefinch · 27/12/2021 18:22

[quote UnshakenNeedsStirring]@foxgoosefinch Its not satire, I was trying to get OP to understand how she would feel if she was at the receiving end fgs[/quote]
So, as per your post, you think that sons' wives should cook and clean and serve when inlaws come over and "why is it so hard" for OP?

Why are sons' wives expected to act like it's the 1970s and be castigated for resenting their inlaws?

I don't go to other people's houses, stay for hours and expect the women in the house to clean, cook and serve for me. Why should any inlaws expect that? Why shouldn't they expect their son to host, cook and clean and look after everyone?

Cornettoninja · 27/12/2021 18:23

Do people really not comprehend that just because someone is family, blood or marriage, doesn’t necessarily make them someone you have anything in common with or even a particularly nice person?

There’s either some people occupying very small places in the world or compromising a lot of their own principles for the sake of social niceties.

Lavender24 · 27/12/2021 18:23

I see some posters saying that it's a reasonable amount of time to spend with relatives at Christmas but I think that's a long time to stay at someone house when it's just a casual cuppa/swapping presents type of event. I haven't RTFT and I know thjs was posted a couple of hours ago but in these scenarios I agree with just wandering off and doing your own thing. Before we went NC with MIL I used to wander off to shower or do housework when she putstayed her welcome (and this was often since she lives across the street).

ShirleyPhallus · 27/12/2021 18:25

I’m sure the ILs would have got the hint given how much OP must have been on her phone posting about them!

RonaLisa · 27/12/2021 18:26

I waved knives around and made stabby gestures

PMSL.

OP, I agree with your PIL (as it happens) on the ridiculous overreaction to Covid, but I also agree with you that people should arrive, have a very quick pre-lunch drink/nibbles, eat lunch, chat for half an hour, cup of tea, then push off again. I get on v well with all my family, and none of us would ever stay longer than that. Even though we don't see one another that often. We just know when to leave.

2022willbebetter · 27/12/2021 18:26

My mum used to disappear when my grandparents were visiting. I was mortified at her rudeness. They were not her favourite people but meant well and didn't visit that often nor stay particularly long.
.

YABU this is their Christmas catch-up with their son and his family.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2021 18:28

My advice is to make a public exit. By that I mean if you're going to have a bath, make sure they are aware that you're leaving and you won't be returning expecting to see them there. So something like "Right, James & Ann, I'll say good bye to you now as I'm going up for a long soak in a hot bath and will be some time. It was lovely seeing you today. Hope you had a lovely time here and I'll catch up with you again another time."
Then to your DH you need to say "Ok DH, I'm going for my bath now. Will you look after seeing that your parents get home safely please? If they need to order a taxi for example? You will, that's great. Ok. I'm off now and will see you in a while DH"
Dropping plenty of hints that you'll be gone and you're not expecting them to be there when you get out of your bath.

If they are there when you come back down you can feign ignorance and say "Oh goodness, James & Ann, I thought you'd be long gone by now. Did DH not sort out that taxi for you? Will I???"

Something along those lines Grin

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