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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I not have done this?

138 replies

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:37

Partner and I were having an argument whilst I was cleaning out the bedroom.

Things started to get very heated and I could tell nothing was going to get resolved when we were both pissed off. So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed. Again, he refused and stood in the doorway. I then just slammed the door over.

He punched the door and yelled at me that I almost broke his fingers. I said I was sorry and that I genuinely didn't know his fingers were in the door.

I know that people will say that I should have walked away to another room, but I know he would have followed me and things would have escalated. He has form for doing this when we argue, I'll ask him to leave the situation and he'll refuse, or I'll try to leave, and he'll follow me.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2021 14:39

Is this a common occurrence? It sounds awful. I would have left rather than slammed the door. I’m not sure I’d be in that relationship in the first place though.

Starryskiesinthesky · 27/12/2021 14:40

I guess it depends a bit on how the argument started and who was to blame but I don't think you have the right to demand he goes downstairs or to slam the door on his fingers.

shouldistop · 27/12/2021 14:40

@PurpleDaisies

Is this a common occurrence? It sounds awful. I would have left rather than slammed the door. I’m not sure I’d be in that relationship in the first place though.
This ^

Could you not have gone out for a walk or something until you calmed down?

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 14:41

So he wouldn't let you pass? Or?

ThatsNotMyReindeer · 27/12/2021 14:41

To be honest you sound as bad as each other and it doesn't sound like a good dynamic

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:43

@Starryskiesinthesky

I guess it depends a bit on how the argument started and who was to blame but I don't think you have the right to demand he goes downstairs or to slam the door on his fingers.
I absolutely didn't know his fingers were in the door, I wouldn't have done it had I known.

Surely I have the right to ask for some time to allow both of us to calm down though?

OP posts:
Original poster
ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:45

@Theunamedcat

So he wouldn't let you pass? Or?
As I said, I could have went downstairs, but he would have followed me and kept antagonising me. He often does that when we argue and I ask him for time
OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 14:45

Why are you in a relationship where you argue so often? Do you know most people don’t live like this? It’s not healthy.

Original poster
ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:46

@ThatsNotMyReindeer

To be honest you sound as bad as each other and it doesn't sound like a good dynamic
Ok, in what sense do we sound as bad as eachother?
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/12/2021 14:46

As I said, I could have went downstairs, but he would have followed me and kept antagonising me. He often does that when we argue and I ask him for time.

Why on earth are you with someone like that?

MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2021 14:46

This sounds really unhealthy.

Helpstopthepain · 27/12/2021 14:47

What happens when he follows you and ‘antagonises’ you? How do you react?

It sounds toxic.

Do you have children?

TokyoDreaming · 27/12/2021 14:49

He sounds like a knob, how unfortunate that you didn't hurt him.

icelollycraving · 27/12/2021 14:49

I hope there are not children watching this unhealthy relationship tbh.

steff13 · 27/12/2021 14:49

I couldn't be with someone who antagonized me when we argued.

TheUndoingProject · 27/12/2021 14:51

I think if you want space then you need to remove yourself from the situation rather than order him from the room. It sounds dangerously close to violence though, and you contributed to that. I think you both need to reflect on how you handle disagreement.

Tal45 · 27/12/2021 14:51

Do you have kids with him? If you do you need to leave for the sake of the kids, this all sounds very unhealthy, you can't control your emotions and he pushes all your buttons. If you don't have kids then you need to keep it that way if you're determined to stay in this volatile relationship.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 14:52

Surely I have the right to ask for some time to allow both of us to calm down though?

But if he's refusing to leave then the right thing to do is go you remove yourself from the situation not continue to demand that he does.

GregTheEgg · 27/12/2021 14:53

I think you sound as bad as each other because of you threatening to scream and then slamming the door in his face/on his hands.

It’s not a healthy way to argue. You either BOTH need to find a different way to communicate when you’re angry or things will escalate to the point where someone does get hurt - accidentally or not.

Blocking a doorway is intimidating, punching doors and walls is abusive and following you around and hounding you when you’ve asked for space is appalling. So I’m not saying you’re to blame here. But as a couple you’re heading for even more unpleasantness. Nip it in the bud now or walk away for both your sakes. I’ve just finished a relationship of 9 years due to this sort of behaviour - the rest of the time he was perfect but I just couldn’t put myself in the way of this type of aggression on a regular basis.

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2021 14:54

Surely I have the right to ask for some time to allow both of us to calm down though?

You ordered him out of the room and no, you don't have the right to do that.

You could've removed yourself and gone to the bathroom if you thought he might follow.

AtlasPine · 27/12/2021 14:55

You need to agree strategies when you are in a calm, non-arguing space so when things do erupt, you have an agreed plan in place. Also, you need to control the slamming, physical responses to stress. He needs to be able to back off and give you space when you ask, out of respect for you even if he doesn’t agree it’s helpful for whatever reason. There isn’t really any excuse for an adult to slam doors.

sammylady37 · 27/12/2021 14:57

In what sense do we sound as bad as each other?

For starters, you repeatedly telling him to leave his own bedroom and telling him that you were close to screaming if he didn’t. You are responsible for your own behaviour and shouldn’t be telling him that you screaming is a result of him not doing what you told him to do.

He sounds abusive too. It’s a toxic relationship.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 15:00

I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed. Again, he refused and stood in the doorway. I then just slammed the door over.

He punched the door and yelled at me that I almost broke his fingers.

He has form for doing this when we argue, I'll ask him to leave the situation and he'll refuse, or I'll try to leave, and he'll follow me.

Re-read these sections of your OP. What would you say if your sister told you any of this happened in her relationship?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 15:01

Agree that you both sound as toxic as each other. Threatening to scream if he didn't do as you said, slamming the door on him, perpetuating the argument by not removing yourself for 'space' when he refused. You're responsible for your own actions here. Equally him following you round badgering your to continue the argument, shouting.. It's all awful.

StFrancisdeCompostela · 27/12/2021 15:02

Healthy relationships simply do not involve blazing rows with shouting, door slamming, door punching etc. Your dynamic is profoundly toxic. It will not change.

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