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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I not have done this?

138 replies

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:37

Partner and I were having an argument whilst I was cleaning out the bedroom.

Things started to get very heated and I could tell nothing was going to get resolved when we were both pissed off. So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed. Again, he refused and stood in the doorway. I then just slammed the door over.

He punched the door and yelled at me that I almost broke his fingers. I said I was sorry and that I genuinely didn't know his fingers were in the door.

I know that people will say that I should have walked away to another room, but I know he would have followed me and things would have escalated. He has form for doing this when we argue, I'll ask him to leave the situation and he'll refuse, or I'll try to leave, and he'll follow me.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 15:02

He should have gone just what is the point arguing with someone like this ffs and you can't have hurt his fingers if he punched the door

You need to split up take some time for yourself on your own

AnneLovesGilbert · 27/12/2021 15:03

Do you understand that most people neither scream nor threaten to scream at their partner on a regular basis?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2021 15:03

I have to say, the threatening to scream if you didn't get your own way, is the sort of behaviour one might expect from a 5 year old.

Even with just one side of the story here, you do both sound as bad as each other.

steff13 · 27/12/2021 15:04

you can't have hurt his fingers if he punched the door

To be fair, he probably has two hands.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 15:06

@steff13

you can't have hurt his fingers if he punched the door

To be fair, he probably has two hands.

I snorted at this

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 15:07

fair enough

R0tational · 27/12/2021 15:08

He sounds gaslighty and goady. Therapy and work on yourself.

user1493494961 · 27/12/2021 15:10

You sound as bad as each other.

PinkWednesdays · 27/12/2021 15:10

@steff13

you can't have hurt his fingers if he punched the door

To be fair, he probably has two hands.

Good spot, 😂😂

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2021 15:10

@R0tational

He sounds gaslighty and goady. Therapy and work on yourself.

Can you give an example of his gaslighting?

PinkWednesdays · 27/12/2021 15:11

@R0tational

He sounds gaslighty and goady. Therapy and work on yourself.

Curious, how is he gaslighting?

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 15:11

@WorraLiberty no, they can't. Some people like to copy words they see on MN because they think it makes them sound insightful.

JingleBeth · 27/12/2021 15:12

@R0tational

He sounds gaslighty and goady. Therapy and work on yourself.

Where is the gaslighting?

Sneezesthrice · 27/12/2021 15:12

Follow ‘the secure relationship’ on Instagram and read the stuff on attachment styles and how to break this toxic negative cycle. You will likely recognise this type of scenario in her examples.

PinkWednesdays · 27/12/2021 15:13

[quote girlmom21]@WorraLiberty no, they can't. Some people like to copy words they see on MN because they think it makes them sound insightful. [/quote]
This! It drives me nuts on MN!

Niconacotaco · 27/12/2021 15:15

It could be gaslighting - if his fingers were not in the door and didn't nearly get squashed. As a one off, not gaslighting. As a regular blaming OP situation, maybe gaslighting, maybe overreacting, maybe OP regularly almost hurts him...

MolkosTeenageAngst · 27/12/2021 15:15

You should have removed yourself. Slamming doors is aggressive and antagonistic regardless of whether you knew his fingers were there or not. I also agree you can’t just demand he leave the room.

You should have tried to remove yourself from the situation. If he had followed you then maybe I could see why the situation would have escalated but you didn’t even try. If he follows you around the house the obvious answer is to walk out of the house and go for a walk.

JingleBeth · 27/12/2021 15:16

You sound as bad as each other. You’re desperately trying to paint him in a certain light so we can tell you you’re the victim here, but your behaviour was poor too.

What were you fighting about?

WorraLiberty · 27/12/2021 15:16

@Niconacotaco

And boiled eggs could be runny but the OP has given no examples of gaslighting.

WorriedGiraffe · 27/12/2021 15:18

You don’t sound much better than him, threatening to scream, slamming the door in his face and ultimately hurting him. You say there was no point walking away as he would follow you and that’s your defence for slamming the door on him… but surely he would have just opened the door? You acted out of anger rather than walking away and so in answer to your question, no you shouldn’t have done it.

PinkWednesdays · 27/12/2021 15:18

@Niconacotaco

There are a lot of ifs here. None are suggested in the OP so not sure why gaslighting is being claimed.

Niconacotaco · 27/12/2021 15:18

@WorraLiberty that's what I meant! You can't tell from this one incident

IAmMeThisIsI · 27/12/2021 15:20

The slamming of the door wasn't ideal. But it was an accident. As for you asking him over and over to leave you alone and then him just standing there, I think he's in the wrong. Sounds like he wanted to argue.

It's Christmas time OP and we're all stressed out more than usual. Wait for things to settle and then say sorry for door. It's up to you if you want to bring up the bit about asking him to leave. I reckon that would start another argument though.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 15:21

The slamming of the door wasn't ideal. But it was an accident.

It wasn't an accident. It was an act of aggression.

PinkWednesdays · 27/12/2021 15:22

The slamming of the door wasn't ideal. But it was an accident

An accident? So the wind blew it shut on him?

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