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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Should I not have done this?

138 replies

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:37

Partner and I were having an argument whilst I was cleaning out the bedroom.

Things started to get very heated and I could tell nothing was going to get resolved when we were both pissed off. So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed. Again, he refused and stood in the doorway. I then just slammed the door over.

He punched the door and yelled at me that I almost broke his fingers. I said I was sorry and that I genuinely didn't know his fingers were in the door.

I know that people will say that I should have walked away to another room, but I know he would have followed me and things would have escalated. He has form for doing this when we argue, I'll ask him to leave the situation and he'll refuse, or I'll try to leave, and he'll follow me.

OP posts:
RedskyThisNight · 27/12/2021 16:40

Flip this round. A man tells his wife several times she has to go out of the room and then that it will be her fault if he loses his temper. He then does something that results in her being hurt and claims that he didn't have an alternative.

Wonder how many LTBs there would be by now?

oftenbaffled · 27/12/2021 16:42

Any children in this horrible environment?

mamaweebeastie · 27/12/2021 16:43

My ex did this. He would refuse to leave me or the room and if I did he'd follow to ensure the argument continued & got worse to the point of getting physical. After 8 years, one argument got physical within 10min of starting- the police removed him 30min later & he's never been back in my house again.

He WILL get worse, get out NOW!

Bagamoyo1 · 27/12/2021 16:43

You were in the wrong OP.
Imagine a man telling a woman that if she didn’t leave the (equally owned) room, he was going to lose his temper, and then slamming a door in her face when she didn’t leave?
Every single reply would include “LTB” and “call women’s aid”.
You need to apologise.

Ofnoteandnightmares · 27/12/2021 16:44

I think people are being a little (a lot) unfair here.

It's not a healthy situation for either of you regardless, but you asked him to leave several times as it became more and more tense, warned him that your temper was rising and that you'd prefer to speak when you both were calmer - you did the right thing here. By physically pushing past him you may have only made the situation worse. He did not take the opportunity to de-escalate, and it sounds like you struggled to do so too, probably because of the lack of space to let the adrenalin pass through you. Catching his fingers sounds like an accident, slamming the door an expression of frustration.

However, an argument that gets to that stage is not healthy or a positive way to resolve conflict for either of you - so maybe focus more on what caused such heat in the argument rather than just the outcome.

Bagamoyo1 · 27/12/2021 16:44

@mamaweebeastie

My ex did this. He would refuse to leave me or the room and if I did he'd follow to ensure the argument continued & got worse to the point of getting physical. After 8 years, one argument got physical within 10min of starting- the police removed him 30min later & he's never been back in my house again.

He WILL get worse, get out NOW!

It was OP who got physical, not her partner.
KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 16:44

@mamaweebeastie

My ex did this. He would refuse to leave me or the room and if I did he'd follow to ensure the argument continued & got worse to the point of getting physical. After 8 years, one argument got physical within 10min of starting- the police removed him 30min later & he's never been back in my house again.

He WILL get worse, get out NOW!

Are we reading the same post? It was OP who got physical when she slammed a door on his hand.
Herewegoagain84 · 27/12/2021 16:50

You definitely can’t expect him to obey your wishes, especially if you’re in the middle of an argument when he is very unlikely to do so. If you wanted space to calm down, you leave the situation. Leave the house, go for a walk, shut yourself in the loo, whatever works. Though If you’re worried he’ll follow you / not respect your space, you’re in a bad relationship.

Itsmybaby · 27/12/2021 16:51

Both sound as awful as each other

Beautiful3 · 27/12/2021 16:55

You both sound awful. You don't slam a door over and over again. You remove yourself from the situation.

saltinesandcoffeecups · 27/12/2021 16:57

@mamaweebeastie

My ex did this. He would refuse to leave me or the room and if I did he'd follow to ensure the argument continued & got worse to the point of getting physical. After 8 years, one argument got physical within 10min of starting- the police removed him 30min later & he's never been back in my house again.

He WILL get worse, get out NOW!

Sounds like OP is the one who escalated to physical behavior
GatoradeMeBitch · 27/12/2021 16:59

I feel that if someone is heated and needs time alone to cool down, the onus is on them to leave. You can not and should not try to make someone leave a room in their own house. Mind you, if he's deliberately following you and antagonizing you he's a knobhead.

Next time just get your keys and go for a walk or drive. And think about whether your relationship is worth continuing with.

Helpstopthepain · 27/12/2021 17:00

You are basically saying, ‘Obey me or I can’t be held responsible for my reaction’.

You are threatening him.

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2021 17:12

@Ofnoteandnightmares

I think people are being a little (a lot) unfair here.

It's not a healthy situation for either of you regardless, but you asked him to leave several times as it became more and more tense, warned him that your temper was rising and that you'd prefer to speak when you both were calmer - you did the right thing here. By physically pushing past him you may have only made the situation worse. He did not take the opportunity to de-escalate, and it sounds like you struggled to do so too, probably because of the lack of space to let the adrenalin pass through you. Catching his fingers sounds like an accident, slamming the door an expression of frustration.

However, an argument that gets to that stage is not healthy or a positive way to resolve conflict for either of you - so maybe focus more on what caused such heat in the argument rather than just the outcome.

Unfair to who?! This place is ridiculous at times! As pp have said switch it round, or next time a woman comes on talking about her male partner behaving like OP, make sure you tell her it's clearly her fault for not taking the opportunity to de-escalate after all he did warn her his temperature was rising!
ImmutableSexQueen · 27/12/2021 17:13

Was this recently? I'm sure we had this a few years ago.

YouCantTourniquetTheTaint · 27/12/2021 17:19

I think this should be in relationships, rather than AIBU.

The way I see it, you were having an argument, tensions were rising, you asked him to leave it, go downstairs to calm down, you thought he'd follow you if you went downstairs, and that he would antagonise you to the point where you would lose your temper. You slammed the door in his face not realising his fingers were in the door, he punched the door and shouted at you.

None of this is good OP, both of you behaved badly, however it's the dynamics, he wouldn't leave you alone, and you knew he would follow you downstairs and antagonise you until you exploded - that's bad, it would probably then be your fault and not his for the way you reacted to being antagonised. He would then get to play woe is me.

He was standing in the door, what would have happened if you did go past him? What would he do?

Asking someone to leave a flammable situation isn't bad, the fact he wouldn't, inflamed the situation. Again bad.

You slamming his fingers in the door, is bad too, I know you wanted to be away from him, but that wasn't the way, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.

I would say you were as bad as each other, but I would say you both reacted badly.

What has happened with arguments in the past? What do you get out of the relationship? Does he antagonise you a lot?

Its sad to say, but I think you need a plan for this happening again, like lock yourself in the bathroom, or go for a walk.

I really do think you should get this moved to relationships, there's some wonderful and wise women on there who can help you.

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 17:26

@mamaweebeastie

My ex did this. He would refuse to leave me or the room and if I did he'd follow to ensure the argument continued & got worse to the point of getting physical. After 8 years, one argument got physical within 10min of starting- the police removed him 30min later & he's never been back in my house again.

He WILL get worse, get out NOW!

Exactly cock blocking the door refusing to leave snd calm the situation down but YOU can't leave without physically going past and of course the scream then is YOU PUSHED ME YOU HURT ME my ex once ripped our baby out my hands ripping my fingernails off the remains of one grazed his arm as he did it leaving a tiny mark he screamed at me he was calling the police because he had evidence of MY ABUSE now I had to beg for the baby back he forced me to apologise and grovel to get the baby back (who was crying hysterically) when it came out about his abuse he told them again and again it was mutual despite me never raising my voice at him ever it was vile how everyone tried to blame me for not leaving because I physically couldn't

OP you two are clearly bad for each other you should split up

Cissyandflora · 27/12/2021 17:27

@TokyoDreaming

He sounds like a knob, how unfortunate that you didn't hurt him.
This is awful.
Flowers500 · 27/12/2021 17:29

A toxic relationship with two people who lack the maturity to live together. And you respond saying thanks to the poster who thinks everyday domestic violence is a normal response to an argument. Says it all really. If there are kids you need to get them out of the situation, if not then I guess you can keep abusing and hurting each other to your hearts content.

hohohosbeforebros · 27/12/2021 17:36

@Cissyandflora

Thank god someone finally said it. It's appalling.

Liz1tummypain · 27/12/2021 17:36

Sorry if this sounds judgemental but you both sound like you're still children.

AiryFairyLights · 27/12/2021 17:45

@RedskyThisNight

Flip this round. A man tells his wife several times she has to go out of the room and then that it will be her fault if he loses his temper. He then does something that results in her being hurt and claims that he didn't have an alternative.

Wonder how many LTBs there would be by now?

This Absolutely! Wonderful MN at its finest!
CheshireKitten123 · 27/12/2021 17:47

@Liz1tummypain

Sorry if this sounds judgemental but you both sound like you're still children.
Exactly.

Please part company now before one of you get seriously hurt.

And please, please, do NOT have a child together.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 27/12/2021 17:50

Tricky because he was blocking your escape route by standing in the doorway.

In your shoes I would have turned my back on him and gone back to cleaning instead of slamming the door (I think that was a bad move, even though you didn’t know his fingers were in it, how would you feel if he slammed a door in your face? It could have hit him in the face and broken his nose or something awful). As it happened you could have broken his fingers (albeit by accident) so he was understandably upset by a violent action like slamming a door on him.

I’d apologise for injuring him then talk calmly about how to diffuse such a situation if it happens again eg he needs to give you space!

crazyjinglist · 27/12/2021 17:53

YABU. You both sound as bad as each other, but if being in separate rooms was what you wanted in order to cool off, then you should have left the room rather than ordering him out.