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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I not have done this?

138 replies

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:37

Partner and I were having an argument whilst I was cleaning out the bedroom.

Things started to get very heated and I could tell nothing was going to get resolved when we were both pissed off. So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed. Again, he refused and stood in the doorway. I then just slammed the door over.

He punched the door and yelled at me that I almost broke his fingers. I said I was sorry and that I genuinely didn't know his fingers were in the door.

I know that people will say that I should have walked away to another room, but I know he would have followed me and things would have escalated. He has form for doing this when we argue, I'll ask him to leave the situation and he'll refuse, or I'll try to leave, and he'll follow me.

OP posts:

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 16:02

@Annike4

You slammed the door out of aggression You tried to order him about, telling him to go downstairs. You threatened to "lose your temper" (lol are you ten?) and scream like Violet Elizabeth Bott. What happens when you "lose your temper"? Do you throw things? Losing your temper means being completely out of control, by the way - it's nothing to threaten someone with.

I'm trying to make you see the other side.

Honestly, I'm not aware of many 10 year olds in relationships?

OP posts:

Niconacotaco · 27/12/2021 16:02

@ThymeTravel I was trying to answer other posters who said he was gaslighting you. I don’t have a spin on this - I was meaning that maybe he IS gaslighting you and making this all your fault, or maybe this is a one off almost slamming his fingers or maybe this sort of thing happens a lot in your house.
Not actually trying to suggest that any of these are real scenarios. Anyway my message clearly didn’t come across the way I intended it to!

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 16:05

Jfc.......🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

OP posts:

Theremoresefulday · 27/12/2021 16:07

This is not a healthy relationship

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 16:07

@ThymeTravel

Jfc.......🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️

If you're getting frustrated by a thread asking if you were out of order with your frustrations, I'd suggest you go out and get some air...

PinkWednesdays · 27/12/2021 16:09

Honestly, I'm not aware of many 10 year olds in relationships

Why ask for advice if you’re going to respond with shitty comments.

Your attitude is terrible.

R0tational · 27/12/2021 16:13

I imagined a scenario where the OP was asking the DP to leave and he refused to back down and she was at the end of her tether. Sorry used word gaslight.

WrongWayApricot · 27/12/2021 16:13

Did he come into the room to row with you? As in were you already in there cleaning, then he came in? If that's the case I don't think it's unreasonable to ask him to leave because it wouldn't be fair if you had to leave the room if you were there before minding your own business.

If not then yeah, you should have left even if he will follow you. Maybe reconsider being with someone that follows you around shouting at you though, that's horrible.

TokyoDreaming · 27/12/2021 16:15

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

supersop60 · 27/12/2021 16:15

No, you should not have done it.
It means you were out of control. It also sounds like he was winding you up.
If this is a common occurrence, you either need to leave or sort it out.
Good luck.

CelestiaNoctis · 27/12/2021 16:17

Wow. Never had an argument like that in almost 12 years of being in a relationship. That's not normal. It sounds like you both need therapy or to just part ways. Especially if it's a regular occurrence.

MichelleScarn · 27/12/2021 16:18

@ThymeTravel

Btw, I didn't tell him I was going to scream. I just knew myself that I was getting angrier and angrier and needed the space.

Ermmmm you said you did on your op l eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed

BoredZelda · 27/12/2021 16:19

Could you not have gone out for a walk or something until you calmed down?

Wait, she asked him several times to leave and because he wouldn’t, it’s her fault?

How does that work?

Wombat69 · 27/12/2021 16:21

I lost a digit doing that, not recommended.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 16:23

@BoredZelda

Could you not have gone out for a walk or something until you calmed down?

Wait, she asked him several times to leave and because he wouldn’t, it’s her fault?

How does that work?

Her reaction to him not leaving was to tell him she was going to lose her temper and slam the door in his face.

He wouldn't leave so she could have attempted to remove herself from the situation (although, granted, based on previous arguments this might not have been possible).

She's equally responsible here.

CustardySergeant · 27/12/2021 16:24

@BoredZelda

Could you not have gone out for a walk or something until you calmed down?

Wait, she asked him several times to leave and because he wouldn’t, it’s her fault?

How does that work?

She didn't ask him, she told him. No adult is likely to meekly obey an order. It just inflamed the situation that she kept telling him what to do, instead of asking. It makes a lot of difference how something is expressed.

icedcoffees · 27/12/2021 16:27

@BoredZelda

Could you not have gone out for a walk or something until you calmed down?

Wait, she asked him several times to leave and because he wouldn’t, it’s her fault?

How does that work?

Because you don't get to order a grown adult out of their own home.

If you want space, you should be the one to leave the room, or the house if necessary.

Vallmo47 · 27/12/2021 16:31

You are both in the wrong and I think you know it, based on your thread title alone. Sounds like you’re in a really dark place and you are bringing out the worst in each other. I really hope there are no children involved in this.

Misty84 · 27/12/2021 16:31

Doesn’t sound like a good relationship OP if you often argue like that😕
I’d try and address how you can both communicate better.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 16:33

@BoredZelda

Could you not have gone out for a walk or something until you calmed down?

Wait, she asked him several times to leave and because he wouldn’t, it’s her fault?

How does that work?

Because you don't get to order someone out of their own home or tell them you're going to 'lose your temper' like they're some naughty child. If you want space to calm down you remove yourself from the situation.

Heronwatcher · 27/12/2021 16:34

TBH I just pray that you don’t have kids, it sounds awful. If this is anything other than a one off you seriously need to think about separating. If it was a one off then yes I agree with the others up thread that you need outside help to make sure it doesn’t happen again, it sounds like you were lucky not to break his fingers.

beastlyslumber · 27/12/2021 16:35

I don't get how you can slam the door on his hand and not break his fingers. That would be unbelievably painful.

You shouldn't have done that. He shouldn't have punched the door. You shouldn't be screaming at each other. He shouldn't be following you about the house. You shouldn't be ordering him out of rooms. (The bathroom would be an exception - a good place to go if you need to calm down.)

What's your relationship like generally?

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 16:35

@R0tational

I imagined a scenario where the OP was asking the DP to leave and he refused to back down and she was at the end of her tether. Sorry used word gaslight.

But that's not gaslighting. Perhaps don't use a word when you don't know what it means.

Ponoka7 · 27/12/2021 16:36

I think that it also depends on who started the argument and what it was about. I know someone who will pick away at people and when it blows up demands space. It looks like she's being reasonable, when she just wants to be in total control and get away with her behaviour.

PineappleTart · 27/12/2021 16:39

OP can you really not see how you would be in the wrong here? Reverse the situation for a minute and try again.

There are many ways you would have removed yourself from the argument to cool down even just to go into the bathroom to cool down. This level of rage is very unhealthy

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