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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Should I not have done this?

138 replies

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 14:37

Partner and I were having an argument whilst I was cleaning out the bedroom.

Things started to get very heated and I could tell nothing was going to get resolved when we were both pissed off. So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed. Again, he refused and stood in the doorway. I then just slammed the door over.

He punched the door and yelled at me that I almost broke his fingers. I said I was sorry and that I genuinely didn't know his fingers were in the door.

I know that people will say that I should have walked away to another room, but I know he would have followed me and things would have escalated. He has form for doing this when we argue, I'll ask him to leave the situation and he'll refuse, or I'll try to leave, and he'll follow me.

OP posts:

rwalker · 27/12/2021 15:25

You were both arguing then you demand he leave the room can't think of anything more inflammatory ,sounds like you were trying (and succeeded ) in winding him up .

Annike4 · 27/12/2021 15:26

You slammed the door out of aggression
You tried to order him about, telling him to go downstairs.
You threatened to "lose your temper" (lol are you ten?) and scream like Violet Elizabeth Bott.
What happens when you "lose your temper"? Do you throw things?
Losing your temper means being completely out of control, by the way - it's nothing to threaten someone with.

I'm trying to make you see the other side.

Shedmistress · 27/12/2021 15:28

None of this was healthy. For a start, why are you the one cleaning and him standing there doing nothing but argue?

It sounds like you both need to reassess this relationship.

KurtWildesChristmasNamechange · 27/12/2021 15:29

@R0tational

He sounds gaslighty and goady. Therapy and work on yourself.

I fail to see where he was either of these things.

Annike4 · 27/12/2021 15:30

@R0tational

He sounds gaslighty and goady. Therapy and work on yourself.

You are parroting crap you have read on here, There is no such word as "goady" or gaslighty".

Chikapu · 27/12/2021 15:30

This is not a relationship either of you needs to be in. End it before you think this is normal.

CustardySergeant · 27/12/2021 15:31

It sounds as though you talk to your partner as though he's a naughty child and you're the parent e.g. "So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed."
Talking to another adult in this manner is not going to defuse the situation, it will only make them angry and very unlikely to comply with your "orders" as that would make them feel as though they were meekly doing as they were told, like a small child.
Had you talked to him as another adult, with whom you were having a difference of opinion, he may well have been only too pleased to give you a bit of space, so you can both calm down.

icedcoffees · 27/12/2021 15:33

Ok, in what sense do we sound as bad as eachother?

Can you really not see it?

You both shout and argue, you keep telling him to get out of a room in his own house (which you have no right to do - if you feel like you need space, you should leave yourself), you then slammed a door in his face, and he decided to punch the door in retaliation.

That is so far from normal it's unreal - in fact, it's toxic, dysfunctional and abusive.

threecupsofteaminimum · 27/12/2021 15:38

All this talk of leaving him and abuse and gaslighting seems rather heavy handed.

They had a row. It's Christmas, families get fed up with each other cooped up with all the excesses of the festive season.

I feel like the OP is more than aware her behaviour is not ideal.

I'd suggest a cooling off period and then attempt to discuss what happened and why it happened in order to o hopefully rectify things.

CurlyhairedAssassin · 27/12/2021 15:39

What the hell would "losing your temper" mean if things were already "heated"? To my mind the situation has already gone too far if it has become "heated." Imagine if a man stood there joining in with and prolonging an argument while he didn't have to (he could have just silently carried on with the tidying and simply not participated in the conversation) and then told you to get out cos he was close to losing his temper (whatever that means) and that he was going to roar. And then he slammed the door where you were stood. Horrific. It's violent.

Most adults don't behave like this. You both sound as bad as each other. Perhaps you haven't had good role models. Have you never thougth of saying "I don't think it's a good idea to carry on with this conversation when we're both feeling this emotional, we'll have to agree to disagree" and if he tries to carry it on you continue to repeat "I told you what I think, we'll have to agree to disagree, now I'd like to carry on putting this laundry away, please". That's what normal people say. If he follows you from room to room trying to carry on the argument you just calmly say "please don't follow me from room to room while I'm just trying to have some time to myself to calm down".

There is just no NEED to live your life like an episode of Eastenders.

MadeOfStarStuff · 27/12/2021 15:42

You’re both as bad as each other, winding each other up, threatening to scream and lose your temper, slamming doors, punching doors, it’s all much of a muchness.

adults regularly having screaming rows isn’t a sign of a healthy relationship.

icedcoffees · 27/12/2021 15:45

They had a row. It's Christmas, families get fed up with each other cooped up with all the excesses of the festive season

Yes, but they don't slam doors on their partners' hands and punch doors. This is a little bit more than being cooped up inside for too long...

WagnersFourthSymphony · 27/12/2021 15:46

No, you should not have done this. You cannot order him out of his own room. If he follows you around trying to continue an argument you need to be the grownup and leave the situation, by leaving the house and going for a walk if necessary.

The situation sounds toxic. You both sound hot-headed and thoughtless.

I hope you don't have children to witness this.

What are you arguing about? Are you even listening to each other? Can you not see anything from the other person's point of view? Would counselling help? If you think it wouldn't, why are you in this relationship?

mam0918 · 27/12/2021 15:46

You can not control his behavior only on your own... your choice was to leave (you do not have the choice to force him to leave) but you did not you chose a violent option of slamming doors which possibly hurt him.

You KNOW you are wrong and had you badly hurt him and the police got involved you wouldn't have a leg to stand on by saying you tried nothing to leave, he did nothing physically to you but you lashed out and injured him because you were irritated.

If this was the other way around and you were nagging him about something you wanted to communicate and he wanted to ignore and he told you to leave and when you didn't want to so he then got physical and started slamming doors on you do you think anyone would be here defending him?

You could as others said have left the house, gone to someone else's house or a public place but you choose to TELL him to leave (which you can't do, it's his house too) instead of you removing yourself.

girlmom21 · 27/12/2021 15:46

@threecupsofteaminimum

All this talk of leaving him and abuse and gaslighting seems rather heavy handed.

They had a row. It's Christmas, families get fed up with each other cooped up with all the excesses of the festive season.

I feel like the OP is more than aware her behaviour is not ideal.

I'd suggest a cooling off period and then attempt to discuss what happened and why it happened in order to o hopefully rectify things.

It's not the first time. She's mentioned how he normally reacts to situations and how she normally handles things.

This is a toxic relationship. It's not one argument.

If it was a 'I'm sick of being around you' argument one of them would've gone out and got some fresh air and come back much calmer.

BatshitBanshee · 27/12/2021 15:49

Short answer: no you should have not behaved like you did. "I wouldn't have slammed the door if I had known his fingers were in it" is akin to "I wouldn't have thrown it if I knew it would hit him". Doesn't matter. Both aggressive acts. Both with eventualities and probabilities. It's simple cause and effect - slam a door on someone, they may get hurt. And saying you wouldn't have done it if you knew is bollocks, you knew the risk (as does every adult) and you still did it - saying otherwise is an infuriating attempt at absolving yourself of responsibility. Both of you need to grow up. It is not normal for a relationship to drive you to these lengths. Sort your shit out. Would either of you have done the same to a friend? No, cause you'd have more respect.

mam0918 · 27/12/2021 15:50

@CustardySergeant

It sounds as though you talk to your partner as though he's a naughty child and you're the parent e.g. "So, I told DP to leave the room several times and said that we'll talk when we're both calmer. DP refused every time I told him to go downstairs. I eventually told DP that I was very close to losing my temper, and that he needed to leave before I screamed." Talking to another adult in this manner is not going to defuse the situation, it will only make them angry and very unlikely to comply with your "orders" as that would make them feel as though they were meekly doing as they were told, like a small child. Had you talked to him as another adult, with whom you were having a difference of opinion, he may well have been only too pleased to give you a bit of space, so you can both calm down.

This too, I get a very controlling vibe from the way OP says she treats him... it's all her TELLING him what to do as if he isn't an equal.

DroopyClematis · 27/12/2021 15:52

I agree.
You are both behaving rather stupidly.

IAmMeThisIsI · 27/12/2021 15:52

I just mean that she didn't mean to hurt him with the slamming of the door. Obviously the door didn't slam itself lol.

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 15:54

@Niconacotaco

It could be gaslighting - if his fingers were not in the door and didn't nearly get squashed. As a one off, not gaslighting. As a regular blaming OP situation, maybe gaslighting, maybe overreacting, maybe OP regularly almost hurts him...

Maybe a lot of things happens, but this one of them 🙄

I despise when people put their own spin on a thread and make up their own version.

OP posts:

Theunamedcat · 27/12/2021 15:54

OK question

Could YOU have left the room without going through him in the doorway? Effectively how your describing it is he was stood in your way and refusing to leave you alone? Personally I wouldn't challenge a man in a doorway as I would be then accused of aggression because I approached/pushed past which then meant he "felt" he "had to defend himself"

WorriedGiraffe · 27/12/2021 15:55

@Theunamedcat

OK question

She already said she could.

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 16:01

@threecupsofteaminimum

All this talk of leaving him and abuse and gaslighting seems rather heavy handed.

They had a row. It's Christmas, families get fed up with each other cooped up with all the excesses of the festive season.

I feel like the OP is more than aware her behaviour is not ideal.

I'd suggest a cooling off period and then attempt to discuss what happened and why it happened in order to o hopefully rectify things.

I'm very aware that my attitude was definitely poor, trust me.

Thank you for this comment. Makes me feel like less of a piece of crap ❤

OP posts:

SunshineCake1 · 27/12/2021 16:01

You're asking the wrong question.

You should be asking yourself why am I with this person?

Original poster

ThymeTravel · 27/12/2021 16:01

Btw, I didn't tell him I was going to scream. I just knew myself that I was getting angrier and angrier and needed the space.

OP posts:

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