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Original poster

DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

231 replies

goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 09:44

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

OP posts:
user1471442488 · 27/12/2021 17:35

So, you’re going to let him away with it because you’re “uncomfortable”? He’s taking the piss out of you and you’re letting him. Crack on if you’re happy with that…

Soubriquet · 27/12/2021 17:37

@user1471442488

So, you’re going to let him away with it because you’re “uncomfortable”? He’s taking the piss out of you and you’re letting him. Crack on if you’re happy with that…
Worse. She doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable
longwayoff · 27/12/2021 17:43

Oh OP, this is the first of many Christmases for you and your young family to share. Have a better one next year without the encumbrance of this greedy selfish man. He will get worse and so will your life, he sounds like an expensive and unnecessary indulgence. Please lose him.

WitchyPoos · 27/12/2021 17:44

I had one of these, took money out my purse. Also 40 quid. Didn't realise until was in town and went to pay for baby milk and few other bits that it had gone. Said he needed it for buying his lunch at work when he had his own cash, that 40 was all I had. It doesn't get better, he's now an ex and doesn't pay towards his child, and tries borrowed money from DS recently, he's 14 now and has birthday/Xmas money. Well and truly a case of doesn't want to spend own money, If it were me id draw 40 out of the account and hide it or give it someone to look after for you

Thepineapplemystery · 27/12/2021 17:45

Do you have your own account? A savings account or anything? If not get one and .I've £40 plus the money from your dad into that.

I really don't get the "share EVERYTHING" Mumsnet thing. We have a joint account, we both pay on to equal to our earnings and it pays for all household and child related expenses. The rest is ours or apportion as we wish. Why should I pay because DH wants an expensive phone plan? Why should he pay when I go out with friends?

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2021 17:54

Do you have your own account? A savings account or anything? If not get one and .I've £40 plus the money from your dad into that

She already put it in the joint account as they are skint. It’s prob why everyone gave them money. He’s taken it all for himself.

TheWeeDonkey · 27/12/2021 19:05

She already put it in the joint account as they are skint. It’s prob why everyone gave them money. He’s taken it all for himself.

So what is he doing with it? Nobody spends £40 on a takeaway for one. Sorry I'm not having it. There's something else going on with him thats making him so secretive about money.

Briarshollow · 27/12/2021 19:39

I know I am being totally unreasonable but OPs like this are so irritating. The posters are always so passive and I cannot cope with these stupid cunts walking all over meek women and getting away with it. I drives me round the bend and makes me want to march over and sort it out.

Bluntness100 · 27/12/2021 19:57

@TheWeeDonkey

She already put it in the joint account as they are skint. It’s prob why everyone gave them money. He’s taken it all for himself.

So what is he doing with it? Nobody spends £40 on a takeaway for one. Sorry I'm not having it. There's something else going on with him thats making him so secretive about money.

Not having what? He’s nicked the money for himself. She said he spent twenty of it on a takeaway, big takeaway for one. And he’s pocketed the rest basically.
Cherrysoup · 27/12/2021 20:00

Taking someone’s present of money is different to having shared finances, particularly when he had his own money gift. At best, he’s thoughtless, at worst, he really isn’t into sharing so has taken the OP’s money very deliberately.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/12/2021 20:08

@Briarshollow

I know I am being totally unreasonable but OPs like this are so irritating. The posters are always so passive and I cannot cope with these stupid cunts walking all over meek women and getting away with it. I drives me round the bend and makes me want to march over and sort it out.
Couldn’t agree more.

I have seen so many threads like this, and they always, always go the same way.

OP comes on to complain about their feckless, sub-standard man. Everyone always comes on to vehemently agree that he is indeed feckless and sub-standard.

OP reappears briefly to defend him, before disappearing into the ether.

SheSaidHummingbird · 27/12/2021 20:10

First thought is gambling, which I see other posters have suggested. Could possibly be money for drugs, or perhaps he is in debt to an individual or a company, is putting all of his own money towards it, and is scrambling around for any cash he can find. Do you suspect drugs/ gambling / debt?

steff13 · 27/12/2021 20:14

@Briarshollow

I know I am being totally unreasonable but OPs like this are so irritating. The posters are always so passive and I cannot cope with these stupid cunts walking all over meek women and getting away with it. I drives me round the bend and makes me want to march over and sort it out.
Same. It seems like OP didn't even ask him why he spent her money instead of his own. I hope it's not because she's afraid of him.
TheWeeDonkey · 27/12/2021 20:18

@Bluntness100 ah so £20 for a takeaway and £20 for himself?

I'm thinking like @SheSaidHummingbird there's something else ging on here. Just taking money as if it were his own and then lying about it. He's using it for something and its not their family.

BreatheAndFocus · 27/12/2021 21:00

He didn’t want to waste his own money on a takeaway so he wasted yours. It only cost £20 not the full £40 so he pocketed the other £20 to spend on himself later.

He then realised you might simply reclaim your money from his stash so he hid it so you couldn’t.

He then tried to downplay what he’d done, and still has made no effort to pay you back.

He’s a selfish waste of space. Don’t say anything to him. Go to the joint account, get all the money out and go through it apportioning it correctly eg your Xmas money. Then put your money into a savings account and a current account for bills. Only have your name on these accounts. Then tell him to get lost

ToykotoLosAngeles · 27/12/2021 21:31

*OP comes on to complain about their feckless, sub-standard man. Everyone always comes on to vehemently agree that he is indeed feckless and sub-standard.

OP reappears briefly to defend him, before disappearing into the ether.*

It's so bloody annoying. There should be a giant pool of useless cocklodging men who are all left single who we can then dump on an island. Then they will have nobody to steal from, cheat on, text gaslighting messages to bleating that the 19 year old at work really is "a friend who is going through a hard time", or use as a housework slave.

DifferentHair · 27/12/2021 21:42

I can't believe what I'm reading. People throwing out accusations of gambling or drug addiction? Someone threw financial abuse in there as well.

It's £20!! Unless I missed something this is a first time, one off situation. He doesn't regularly take or hide money.

He bought a takeaway. It's not exactly a crime spree.

This is probably a communication issue. OP doesn't seem comfortable just asking a straightforward question about money. She needs to ask- 'so are we pooling money we receive as gifts or are they separate to our general finances? What do you think DP?' And take it from there.

Unless there's something more- who breaks up their family, deprives their toddler of a two parent household- over £20?!

ToykotoLosAngeles · 27/12/2021 21:54

You think it's a communication issue that OP's money went in the joint account to help pay expenses whereas he physically hid his and then spent the OP's knowing he had "a bunch of tens" under his pillow? Ok then.

DifferentHair · 28/12/2021 02:42

@ToykotoLosAngeles did he 'physically hide' it? Or just put it somewhere? If I came home with a bunch of notes I would just put them somewhere and possibly move them later. I don't think it's necessarily sneaky.

Also him saying 'a bunch of tens' or whatever- it might mean just that- that it isn't a significant amount of money therefore he hasn't counted every pound or thought much about it at all.

Pollingbadly · 28/12/2021 04:51

Yeah I'd be with Different hair on this except for that bunch of tens under his pillow. So now I'm with Los Angeles. If it turns out he's put his tens in a safe place and used the OP's money because hers was in the account and he was paying by card, I might rejoin Different Hair.

DifferentHair · 28/12/2021 05:11

Oh I missed that, are there literally a stash of notes under his pillow? Did she count it?

DifferentHair · 28/12/2021 05:14

I just read through the thread and I can't see a post where OP said the money was under his pillow. I think posters just added that to the story?

How do we know he didn't just put all his money and the £20 into the joint account?

How is it stealing if they share all their finances?

ToykotoLosAngeles · 28/12/2021 07:41

Oh my god. I didn't literally mean "under his pillow". He refused to say how much it was, put it in the cabinet, and then took the 2 £20 notes of OP's and paid for a takeaway with one. He has also hidden her other £20.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 28/12/2021 07:44

And even if he's put it in his wallet I class that as hiding it.

DifferentHair · 28/12/2021 07:51

How is putting cash in a wallet hiding it? I regularly take cash from my husbands wallet because we pool all our money.

If they pool all their money, then it's all one pot. Like pouring a glass of water into a swimming pool. once the money comes into the family it's all one body of money.

The actual notes themselves are neither here nor there.

She can spend £40 of their joint money on herself.

Unless theyre on a budget and have decided not to buy takeaway, I don't see the problem.

He should however, tell her how much he received. But maybe he genuinely didn't count it.

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