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Original poster

DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

231 replies

goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 09:44

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

OP posts:
godmum56 · 27/12/2021 13:13

@Shoxfordian

He’s basically a thief Ltb
this. He stole from you.
GoldMoon · 27/12/2021 13:15

"I'll have my £40 back, as I'm buying myself xyz " said when holding hand out . If he says he got a takeaway , say you hadn't agreed so will take £40 from his.
Tbh I would not back down on that.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/12/2021 13:15

Sorry OP - I’m finding it hard to have any sympathy for you.

Speak up for yourself. What’s the worst that could possibly happen? You might get what’s yours?

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2021 13:15

Take your father's moneybstraight back out of the joint account. If it's short he can put some of his cash in there. If he isn't offering then don't just give up yours. Put it in your sons account if you can't think of anything else to do with it.

And ask for your £40. That is yours not his, not joint. YOURS.

Of he won't give it back close the joint account. He is probably taking money from there too.

You really need to talk to someone about this relationship OP. It is not healthy for your or your son.

pinkyredrose · 27/12/2021 13:19

Take your fathers money put and open a savings account for yourself.

Baffles me that you'd feel uncomfortable about asking for your own money. Is your OH controlling in other ways?

RedToothBrush · 27/12/2021 13:19

@goodbyechristmastree

Sorry I’m overwhelmed by the response! I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward as silly as that sounds. I do need to woman up.
Why do you feel the need to be nice to someone who has upset you and taken money from you to spend solely himself when you actually need that money?

There are a couple of issues here. Firstly he took your money, secondly you value him too much and dont challenge him when he spends money thats not his in a frivolous manner and finally its the point that if you are struggling financially. Its not just a takeaway is it? Its the abject lack of thought, responsibility and selfishness.

Mamamamasaurus · 27/12/2021 13:22

Cheeky, lairy, greedy, grabbing bastard.

I could understand if yours was the only cash in the house but that's unacceptable.

I suspect there's more to this, and a backstory

Zilla1 · 27/12/2021 13:22

It sounds like an opportunity to help him set out his thinking to understand him better rather than just taking the money back and letting it all lay.
How much money did you get?
What are you doing with your money?
Why did you take my money without telling me?
Why do you think that's acceptable?
If you took all your cash then when are you giving me all the cash you received?
What planet are you on?
Understand him better and help him feel uncomfortable so he respects you.

Good luck.

godmum56 · 27/12/2021 13:24

and oh yes, do not put money gifted to you into a joint account with a bloke you can't trust

Houseplantmad · 27/12/2021 13:24

This is very odd behaviour and I wouldn't put up with it. I think you need to protect yourself with regards to your main finances.

Normski67 · 27/12/2021 13:26

Ok, so you need to have an honest conversation about money and make some firm arrangements and plans around this. He sounds like he’s used to appropriating your cash and you don’t really know where it’s gone?
When you’re doing a plan write the figures down with him, so it’s in black and white. Pin him down, he won’t like it but you’ll be getting a grip.

LoveGrooveDanceParty · 27/12/2021 13:28

The OP isn’t going to do any of these suggestions.

She’s just going to put up and shut up, so as to avoid any awkwardness.

I’d love to be proved wrong.

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2021 13:29

You don't want to spend the money on stuff you don't need but he doesn't see anything wrong with spending the money on a takeaway (that you don't need and you didn't get to partake in because you had already eaten).

GET YOUR MONEY (THAT WAS GIVEN TO YOU AS A GIFT) BACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

RobertsRadio · 27/12/2021 13:31

Well he is a thief. Does he pay equally towards the DC's expenses, housing and household running costs? Do you each have the same amount left for your savings accounts/to spend on yourselves?

You say you are the main earner! Why is that? Does he pull his weight around the house? Would you be better off financially if you lived separately from him?

Marmelace · 27/12/2021 13:31

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

The OP isn’t going to do any of these suggestions.

She’s just going to put up and shut up, so as to avoid any awkwardness.

I’d love to be proved wrong.

How's about stopping belittling the op, it sounds to me that she is fearful of asking him. Rather disgusting really!!!
LagunaBubbles · 27/12/2021 13:33

Why are you so concerned about making him feel uncomfortable, he took your money Confused

BluebellsGreenbells · 27/12/2021 13:36

How is the joint money spent? Do you check?

We have separate accounts and a joint for joint bills only.

Is he working? You need to think about savings etc.

Why not start a conversation about bills etc and how things look going forward so joint money is paid into a bills account and you each have spare money to spend as you like or on personal bills? That way there’s no issues.

pregnantncnc · 27/12/2021 13:40

In MY relationship, what your DP did wouldn't be a big deal. DH and I also still get money as gifts from relatives too (mostly small amounts from great aunties, but also both of our dads and the odd other relative), and we tend to gather up whatever we get and put it somewhere safe before we can deposit it. Same goes for money for DS. E.g. the money that I came across on xmas day is stashed in my stocking, DH has probably been more sensible and put it in his wallet. Our money is 100% shared so it doesn't really matter who has what where, and who spends what on a takeaway from the other's cash.

HOWEVER, if your relationship is not that way and he feels the money gifted is "his" (and therefore yours would be yours) and yet still took yours to buy something for himself - that is very very wrong. And you should be really considering your relationship

rainrainraincamedowndowndown · 27/12/2021 13:43

I wouldn't think money he got as a gift for him as a household money, so how much he got is none of my concern.
But him using your money is unacceptable. If he thinks money you got is for both of you to spend, then his money should be treated the same.

Takemine · 27/12/2021 13:47

He has a problem.

Crystalvas · 27/12/2021 14:03

@Takemine

He has a problem.
Ya its called being a tight arse and a cocklodger.
Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 14:07

He sounds like a selfish arse, not just squirreling his away but then having the absolutely cheek to spend yours on a takeaway! He's probably relying on you not to confront him, but absolutely do.

RedToothBrush · 27/12/2021 14:14

@LoveGrooveDanceParty

The OP isn’t going to do any of these suggestions.

She’s just going to put up and shut up, so as to avoid any awkwardness.

I’d love to be proved wrong.

This.

A couple who aren't onn the same page for finances and one doesn't see the problem in spending his GFs christmas money on themselves, is a couple that has bigger problems. Especially when the gf doesn't want to 'hurt feelings' by questioning how money is spent.

BringBackCoffeeCreams · 27/12/2021 14:17

Well he's not your DP is he. You're not a partnership. You give all you can to the family pot, to your own detriment. While he takes all he can from it, to your detriment.

KimikosNightmare · 27/12/2021 14:19

I'm not a fan of joint bank accounts and I think having a joint bank account in your situation is bonkers.

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