DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

[goodbyechristmastree]

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

@BringBackCoffeeCreams

Well he's not your DP is he. You're not a partnership. You give all you can to the family pot, to your own detriment. While he takes all he can from it, to your detriment.

This ^

Ask for your money back. His reaction will let you know if it’s a genuine mistake. If he objects or tries to make you feel unreasonable I would say this sounds like the beginning of financial abuse

I wouldn't say there's a lot of detail to go off here cos we don't know what your relationshp is normally like. My DH, for example, may get birthday or Christmas money and then just stash it in a drawer or somewhere but it would be just so it was out of the way, and he would think nothing of spending it on a family meal out or something. If he needed cash for something family-related eg takeaway or money to pay the window cleaner or summat and hadn't been to the cash machine I may give him some of MY Christmas/birthday cash, and not ask for it back.

We don't know what YOUR normal way of operating is when it comes to how you view money.

What IS odd, and would never happen in our house unless I was out, is him ordering a takeaway just for himself. Didn't he ask you what you wanted?

@Babyroobs

When couples have been together years and have a child together I never quite understand why family from either side would just not give a joint cash gift. We had been married years and one Christmas my in laws gave dh something like £100 and me £25. It just seemed bizarre and hurtful. My parents would never have dreamed of doing that, they have given us a lot of money over the years and always just for both of us to share. Anyway this is all a bit off point. He has stolen your Xmas money for a takeaway ? LTB.

I don't understand that reasoning at all. My mother in law used to send me a cheque payable to me. It was her present to me (I never actually cashed them as I thought she was giving away far too much)

We've never had separate bank accounts. I don't know what she sent to my husband- why on earth should I? He's her son and it was her present to her son.

That's an absolutely horrible attitude to money in a relationship and he won't change.

Your child is young. You're better off leaving him and then, from that moment on, even if things are tough sometimes, it's your own nest you're feather.

You are not a resource to be plundered and certainly not by your ''partner''.

basically, what's his is his, & what's yours is his too.
Fuck that Shit

Do you think he might have a gambling or drug addiction?

He may not.... but he's doing exactly what somebody with a gambling or drug addiction would do.

@Mix56

basically, what's his is his, & what's yours is his too. Fuck that Shit

Exactly.

Summed up very succinctly there.

Is that what you want OP?

I agree with the poster who says it's an indication of financial abuse.

You're better off relying on the state if you need to while you get back on your feet. Because then once you are back on your feet, what's yours is yours and he has no claim on it.

Worked for me (leaving a financially abusive tightwad)

He's a loser.

You need to transfer all your money into a single account.

He sounds like a thief and a waster.

Utterly untrustworthy.

You sound nervous of him.

Ring Women's aid for a chat.

This is not normal.

It sounds abusive.

Why are you so nervous? This isn't normal from either of you.
He has no excuse to use your money he needs to give the £20 back asap.

Op he shouldn’t have your present money ‘to hand’ because that isn’t family money unless you have agreed that it is. I’m concerned about your shared account situation too. If you are the main breadwinner, does he contribute to it or is it more the situation that he has access to your earnings? This is fine if you are happy with this and have agreed it because he brings other things to the relationship BUT if it is a cocklodger situation, it is not fine. Please put some of your money aside for yourself even if it is just a little bit.

In my case DH and I both earn and share some finances but we also have separate accounts too. I would put gifts etc in this and DH would never touch it. Even if the money was under his nose, he would never have my money ‘to hand’. Maybe I am really stingy but the thought of someone taking things or having access to all of my money fills me with dread. Most importantly, i don’t feel embarrassed or nervous to talk about money because finances are a big part of your relationship so you need to be able to speak up without feeling awkward. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean you have to give everything. Just say “Oy you, give me my money back.”

@KimikosNightmare

I'm not a fan of joint bank accounts and I think having a joint bank account in your situation is bonkers.

Couldn’t agree more!

If you're the main earner does he work, or is he the SAHP?

He's a thief, I can't believe you're not more furious about this.
I would hit the roof and be demanding my money back.
If you're too afraid to do that then that speaks for itself, LTB.

Red flags!
This is how financial abuse starts. You are already afraid to make him feel awkward (um - he took your money without asking, he bloody well should feel awkward)
You either need to a) leave him
or b)Say to him "Oi, you cheeky fecker - where's my £40?" and open your own bank account.
Do you check bank statements?

Sounds like you have a cocklodger
I bet he’s nicked your sons money too.

If he's the type of man to steal your Christmas money, I wouldn't really trust him to be honest about other money. I'd keep a close eye on your joint accounts and how much he spends on non-essentials. How selfish of him to steal your gift money and hide his own! He doesn't sound like a very nice person.

If he ordered a takeaway why didn’t he have his money to hand ready to pay, you don’t wait until it arrives to find payment.

Did his relatives give your DC presents or was he meant to spend or save some of the money for them?

So you’re the main earner, paying I assume the majority or all the bills, possibly with benefit support, you put your Christmas money in the account because you’re both skint, and he stole yours for himself, treated himself to a take away from it, and has kept the rest of the Christmas money also for himself, and hidden th cards they come in so you don’t know the money was for all of you.

What a prince amongst men.

Why is there such secrecy in your relationship around money? If my DP was given Christmas money and I had asked how much he'd received he would tell me no beating around the bush and vague answers etc.

Its abnormal to not have transparency about things like that.

Is there a lack of trust?

Or is he just trying to keep you blind to his finances?

I actually like joint accounts as long as you have a completely committed and equal relationship (which yours sounds a bit weak TBH). Also as long as you have documentation of whose money is going into the accounts etc as if you break up you'll need that to ensure you get what you are entitled too & that includes EVERYTHING you have put into it

It sounds like your PD likes keeping you in the dark.

£40 for a takeaway for one and then lying about it?

What kind of takeaway is he vaing that makes him feel so sleepy and decitful OP?

Stop being nice, he's up to no good and taking the piss out of you.

You really need to be saying to him what you are saying to us. He’s bang out of order and selfish. He tucked away his own money, was evasive about the amount and then used your Christmas present money to buy himself a takeaway! Didn’t ask you and hasn’t offered to replace it!

It’s clearly bollocks that he used your money because it was ‘to hand’. He used it because he didn’t want to use his which was just as easily ‘to hand’ because it’s in the same house, which is why he’s been sneaky about it.

Wow I think you have nagged my exh!!
Get rid op.

If he is keeping his Christmas money for himself and treats (which is fair enough tbh), then you should keep your Christmas money for yourself for treats for you.

Either you are so short if money that ALL the Christmas money should go onto the join account. Or you can make do with what is the join account and you should BOTH keep that money for yourself.

Also if he had taken only £20 on the £40 you had, where are the other £20??

You need to take your money back from the bank account.