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Original poster

DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

231 replies

goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 09:44

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

OP posts:
FangsForTheMemory · 27/12/2021 12:38

It sounds to me as though he thinks HE should have been given the £40 you got.

I'd be wondering if any of the other money he got from his family for Christmas was intended for you as well.

As it is, he's stolen £40 from you. Get it back.

BlueSuffragette · 27/12/2021 12:39

OP you need to toughen up a bit. He takes advantage of you. He's unkind. Doubt he'll feel awkward when you ask for your £40 back but I think you will. You need to work on standing up for yourself or your relationship will never be on an equal footing. Big girl pants on and make sure you ask for it back TODAY.

AhNowTed · 27/12/2021 12:39

[quote ToastCrumbsOnAPlate]@goodbyechristmastree he doesn't feel at all awkward op! He took your money and clearly doesnt give a shit what you think about that.[/quote]

Yep.

I wouldn't be feeling ANY awkwardness, cos he certainly doesn't.

A simple hand out and "can I have my £40 back please".

Pegasushaswings · 27/12/2021 12:39

@Songsungblue

Drugs.
Exactly what I thought, especially if he often gets takeaways for himself
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2021 12:40

@fruitbrewhaha

Jesus, he sees it as his money because it was a gift from his Nan. What an arsehole.

I'm worried that you feel you can't talk to him abut it. You have a child together but you can't ask him for your money back. I also find it weird that he just buys himself a takeaway. If we get a takeaway we buy it together as a treat. Sounds like he is selfish and too lazy to find something to eat.

Yes I think that’s it, I think he feels it should be his, not hers, so he’s taken it.

I also don’t believe someone just suddenly becomes like this, so I’m guessing he’s cunty in other ways op?

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/12/2021 12:40

What happened to you child's gifts op? Did they get any money?

Let me have a guess - did he stick their cash in with his and stash it away.

Sundancerintherain · 27/12/2021 12:41

Fgs, ask for your money back !

TempName01 · 27/12/2021 12:42

Yes but OP could just withdraw or spend the £40 out of their account or if she needs cash say to her DP, I need some cash can you get me that £40 out please. I don’t understand the dilemma here.

Horriblewoman · 27/12/2021 12:42

Why are seemingly so many people on here in relationships where they can't be direct with their partners?

When he said he spent it why didn't you just say ok, can I have it back now please? You know him well enough to have a child but not to say anything along those lines?!

GrannytoaUnicorn · 27/12/2021 12:44

This is so typical MN. Comes on here to complain about boyfriend's actions but refuses to do anything about said actions, nothing whatsoever!

Original poster
goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 12:44

The money I got from my DF has gone into our joint account because we need the money at the moment, and I don’t want to waste it on stuff we don’t need. My son got lots of presents and some money which is accounted for in the money I was given and put in a separate account so he can have some nice treats. I don’t know if the money my partner was given was also for our son - I didn’t actually see any of the cards now that I think about it. Sorry, I know I sound clueless

OP posts:
ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/12/2021 12:47

Thanks for your response op. And don't apologise for not knowing if the money was meant for your kid. Your partner had made sure that you are clueless.

Plesse think about this situation. He has stashed his money , taken yours. And anything you were given is in your joint account for practical things as you (as a family) need it for daily living.

Please look up financial abuse. As it certainly looks like he's doing this to you.

Christmascakecakecheese · 27/12/2021 12:47

You definitely need a conversation about finances. You've been putting money into your account because you need the money yet he can hide his to do what he likes with, and spend 20 quid on a takeaway, even if it was his money and not yours that's a lot of money to be spending when you don't have much to spare, or you're saving for something.

ToykotoLosAngeles · 27/12/2021 12:49

Ask for it back!!

Lordamighty · 27/12/2021 12:50

He’s stolen your cash, you are not the one who should feel uncomfortable right now.
Does he have a job?

Inertia · 27/12/2021 12:55

I’d take the money your dad gave you, and insist on getting your £40 back ,and use it to start a savings account in your name.

If your money is shared and his money is hidden, you would be a fool to continue to share. You either have shared money with agreed terms, or you have your own money which you manage independently with an agreement for shared costs. He doesn’t get to keep his and spend yours.

FredWinnie · 27/12/2021 12:56

Agree with a PP - this sounds like the start of financial abuse

This needs addressing pronto

Bloodypunkrockers · 27/12/2021 12:56

Good grief

He's a thief and a gaslighter

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 12:58

@goodbyechristmastree

The money I got from my DF has gone into our joint account because we need the money at the moment, and I don’t want to waste it on stuff we don’t need. My son got lots of presents and some money which is accounted for in the money I was given and put in a separate account so he can have some nice treats. I don’t know if the money my partner was given was also for our son - I didn’t actually see any of the cards now that I think about it. Sorry, I know I sound clueless
So does your partner put money he is given by his relatives into the joint account?
SheWolfOFFrancee · 27/12/2021 13:01

We share all our finances and often take money from each other’s wallets as it’s all family money HOWEVER gifted money is different. That’s ours to choose to use as we see fit and I wouldn’t dream of touching money DH had been given as a gift unless he specifically said that it was ok to or he chucked it in our joint account. Same for him he wouldn’t take money that had been gifted to me without asking.
If it was an emergency and one of us needed the cash we would say I really needed C amount so took from your money but I have paid it back now or I will pay it back next time I go past a cash machine.

SheldonesqueTheBstard · 27/12/2021 13:03

He had his ‘own’ money yet stole yours for a frippery? While you put the money you received into a joint account because you have to?

Nope. I would not be entertaining that.

He is not a good partner or dad.

SheWolfOFFrancee · 27/12/2021 13:04

And all those saying just take the money back from your account it’s not the same. The money in OPs bank account might all be accounted for bills etc so taking £40 back will leave them short of money needed for other things. The point of gifted money is that it’s extra to use for whatever you want or need an not part of budgeted or general finances

LookItsMeAgain · 27/12/2021 13:05

It's not his money to spend. It's yours.

Ask for it back.

Otherwise you'll go looking for his money straight away and start using it as yours. What's good for the goose and all that.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/12/2021 13:09

He hasn't "used" your money, he stole it. Stop minimising.

ChateauxNeufDePoop · 27/12/2021 13:10

@goodbyechristmastree

The money I got from my DF has gone into our joint account because we need the money at the moment, and I don’t want to waste it on stuff we don’t need. My son got lots of presents and some money which is accounted for in the money I was given and put in a separate account so he can have some nice treats. I don’t know if the money my partner was given was also for our son - I didn’t actually see any of the cards now that I think about it. Sorry, I know I sound clueless
Take it back out. It's ok to be a bit passive about certain things in a relationship (ie "don't sweat the small stuff") but not about unfair finances.
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