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Original poster

DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

231 replies

goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 09:44

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

OP posts:
Yuledo · 27/12/2021 11:37

On going

Shouldofgotahamster85 · 27/12/2021 11:37

I can’t understand how you can have a child with him but not say give me the money you took from me? Confused

TheresAStarmanWaitingInTheSky · 27/12/2021 11:38

He probably took as he sees it as his money as it came from his family. My mother always gives my DH money for Christmas, I would never take it off him. Make sure you get it back.

SunshineCake1 · 27/12/2021 11:40

@goodbyechristmastree

So he’s finally awake and I asked him and apparently I got it wrong it was only £20 of it. He said he had it to hand. Didn’t offer it back but I haven’t asked yet because I felt uncomfortable. Still no idea where his is or why he didn’t have his to hand.. and no I didn’t have a takeaway, I’d already eaten.
Why do you feel uncomfortable. Come on. Woman up.
AhNowTed · 27/12/2021 11:46

@Bluntness100

Why are you putting up with this and scared to comment? Is there a back story, is he abusive?

I also have the feeling there's more to this.

Songsungblue · 27/12/2021 11:47

Drugs.

DifferentHair · 27/12/2021 11:49

I think there's some alarmist advice on this thread.

You've said you don't have secrets or arguments about money. You share all your money and have one bank account. That all sounds pretty healthy to me.

My DH and I are the same. If I took money from his wallet to pay for take away I wouldn't give him the change- it's all our money, there would be no point.

Don't assume the worst. You know your partner and your relationship.

Just talk about it with him. If you want to know the amount he received from his family and what his plans are in terms of sharing it, then just ask. There should be one rule for all though, so talk it through. If he wants his gifts to be 'his' then yours should be too and you should spend £40 from your joint money on something for yourself. It doesn't have to be the exact notes you received in the card.

WonderfulYou · 27/12/2021 11:50

As you share money I don’t see any harm in him using ‘your’ money. However he needs to also share his money.

Do you work and contribute towards half of all the bills?

Have you had a conversation about whether all money is shared or if it’s just income from work?
what about money gifted to you like this does it get put in the pot all together or is it your own to keep for yourselves?

Ibane · 27/12/2021 11:50

@DifferentHair

I think there's some alarmist advice on this thread.

You've said you don't have secrets or arguments about money. You share all your money and have one bank account. That all sounds pretty healthy to me.

My DH and I are the same. If I took money from his wallet to pay for take away I wouldn't give him the change- it's all our money, there would be no point.

Don't assume the worst. You know your partner and your relationship.

Just talk about it with him. If you want to know the amount he received from his family and what his plans are in terms of sharing it, then just ask. There should be one rule for all though, so talk it through. If he wants his gifts to be 'his' then yours should be too and you should spend £40 from your joint money on something for yourself. It doesn't have to be the exact notes you received in the card.

What’s alarmist about pointing out that it’s concerning that the OP doesn’t feel able to ask her partner for her money back?
Huckleberries73 · 27/12/2021 11:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Babyroobs · 27/12/2021 11:57

When couples have been together years and have a child together I never quite understand why family from either side would just not give a joint cash gift. We had been married years and one Christmas my in laws gave dh something like £100 and me £25. It just seemed bizarre and hurtful. My parents would never have dreamed of doing that, they have given us a lot of money over the years and always just for both of us to share. Anyway this is all a bit off point.
He has stolen your Xmas money for a takeaway ? LTB.

Wombat69 · 27/12/2021 12:00

Gaslighting about the amount?

Ask for it back.

SingToTheSleigh · 27/12/2021 12:01

On its own, using the cash wouldn’t necessarily bother me… in my family we tend to view any birthday/Christmas cash as symbolic as we are more likely to buy treats online/with our cards. So we note how much we have to spend on ourselves, and the cash just stays in the house to be used gradually. Which could include a takeaway.

But if that was the case here he could’ve used his own cash anyway. The fact he hasn’t says a lot. He doesn’t value your stuff.

As does the fact you seem too nervous to get the rest of the cash back. :(

It’s all very odd.

Normski67 · 27/12/2021 12:10

He needs to give you the £20 which was your gift. The fact you’re uncomfortable to ask is not good. He was savvy enough to stash his away from you wasn’t he?

2bazookas · 27/12/2021 12:18

You've had an unpleasant lesson. DP is a liar, taker and user. His priority is himself; not you, not his child. To him, selfish greed has no boundary.

Do not spend your life with a man you can't trust.

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 27/12/2021 12:24

He is stealing from you. what takeaway did he have all for himself for 40 quid?! You say you are the main earner. Does he have any other redeeming qualities? Id find it really hard to live with someone like that

Original poster
goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 12:30

Sorry I’m overwhelmed by the response! I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward as silly as that sounds. I do need to woman up.

OP posts:
starfishofbethlehem · 27/12/2021 12:31

@Hankunamatata

If dh leaves money on side I often lift £10 etc if nipping to the shops etc and dh does the same. We just stick money back later
This. Although I have appropriated the money his parents gave us jointly for Christmas because the gift that came with it was alcohol and I don't drink.
TempName01 · 27/12/2021 12:32

DH and I have shared finances, if one of us needed cash and didn’t have any to hand we would take from the other’s wallet, usually we would mention it but not always. It wouldn’t be necessary to replace it because it’s all from the same pot. You could spend £20 or £40 from your joint account couldn’t you?

gamerchick · 27/12/2021 12:33

@goodbyechristmastree

Sorry I’m overwhelmed by the response! I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward as silly as that sounds. I do need to woman up.
Yes you do. Tell him you want your 40 quid back now please and to not take gifted money without asking again. Cheeky twat.
Bluntness100 · 27/12/2021 12:34

@goodbyechristmastree

Sorry I’m overwhelmed by the response! I didn’t want to say anything because I didn’t want to make him feel awkward as silly as that sounds. I do need to woman up.
So basically you’ll just let him rob you?

And for those havering on about their own financial situation and how they can take money out of their husbands wallet and not replace or st anything it’s clearly not the same as the ops situation. Hmm

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/12/2021 12:34

@goodbyechristmastree he doesn't feel at all awkward op! He took your money and clearly doesnt give a shit what you think about that.

BornOnTwelfthNight · 27/12/2021 12:35

@Normski67

He needs to give you the £20 which was your gift. The fact you’re uncomfortable to ask is not good. He was savvy enough to stash his away from you wasn’t he?
No it’s actually £40. Op was gifted this amount & Dp was given an undisclosed amount from his family.

He’s taken £40 but spent £20 on the takeaway so pocketed the rest.

PineappleTart · 27/12/2021 12:37

So he stole your money and hid away what he got? Nah he's a complete chancer. What else is he hiding?

fruitbrewhaha · 27/12/2021 12:38

Jesus, he sees it as his money because it was a gift from his Nan. What an arsehole.

I'm worried that you feel you can't talk to him abut it. You have a child together but you can't ask him for your money back. I also find it weird that he just buys himself a takeaway. If we get a takeaway we buy it together as a treat. Sounds like he is selfish and too lazy to find something to eat.

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