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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

231 replies

goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 09:44

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

OP posts:
Original poster
goodbyechristmastree · 27/12/2021 10:31

So he’s finally awake and I asked him and apparently I got it wrong it was only £20 of it. He said he had it to hand. Didn’t offer it back but I haven’t asked yet because I felt uncomfortable. Still no idea where his is or why he didn’t have his to hand.. and no I didn’t have a takeaway, I’d already eaten.

OP posts:
SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 10:32

Do you think he might have a gambling or drug addiction?

SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 10:32

@goodbyechristmastree

So he’s finally awake and I asked him and apparently I got it wrong it was only £20 of it. He said he had it to hand. Didn’t offer it back but I haven’t asked yet because I felt uncomfortable. Still no idea where his is or why he didn’t have his to hand.. and no I didn’t have a takeaway, I’d already eaten.
Well if he has it to hand ask for it back
GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 10:32

How and why did he spend all that money on a takeaway for one person? Was it from some sort of luxury restaurant? Why get a takeaway when I assume that a meal was ready anyway, given that presumably you and your child ate?

GoodPrincessWenceslas · 27/12/2021 10:34

Ah, cross-posted. But that's still quite a lot to spend on a takeaway for one. And has he explained why he didn't use his own money?

StellaGibson118 · 27/12/2021 10:36

Did you see him have the takeaway?

Howshouldibehave · 27/12/2021 10:37

Did he say why he used your money and not his?

Santahatesbraisedcabbage · 27/12/2021 10:37

Get your coat on and ask him for your cash as you are going to the sales...

ivykaty44 · 27/12/2021 10:38

id be asking why he's taken my gift and when is he going to replace it?

out of order to take something without asking

BurningTheClocks · 27/12/2021 10:40

You feel uncomfortable?

That another problem then. Do you often feel on edge when asking him to explain something he’s done? Especially if he’s in the wrong?

Newnews · 27/12/2021 10:41

Why are you so reluctant and uncomfortable? He is taking the piss and you are letting him. Big girl pants on.

Newnews · 27/12/2021 10:42

Unless the reason you feel uncomfortable is that he has form for being abusive or you’re scared of him in which case £40 and a takeaway are not the real issue here. Then you need to LTB.

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2021 10:43

So where is the other £20? Or has he decided half of it is rightfully his anyway. I'd be wanting the whole £40 in my hands before I went any further.

The fact that you sound scared to ask him says it all though OP. This is not a good relationship I suspect.

Workinghardeveryday · 27/12/2021 10:44

Just ask where his money is, act like you are worried it’s missing! When he eventually tells you just look relieved, take your money back when he isn’t looking.
What a cf. He will do this again until you call him out on it. Some people are just cf’s and need telling!

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2021 10:44

Just ask him to put money back or tell him your taking £20 out of his money

KerryWeaver · 27/12/2021 10:45

There is a bigger issue here than the £40.

Hankunamatata · 27/12/2021 10:45

If dh leaves money on side I often lift £10 etc if nipping to the shops etc and dh does the same. We just stick money back later

LittleOwl153 · 27/12/2021 10:45

Oh and yes. Make sure your salary isn't paid direct to the job t accou t and that you ha e a separate savings account. He does not need control over all your money.

ToastCrumbsOnAPlate · 27/12/2021 10:46

The only person that has ever behaved the way that your partner does towards me was exh. He was abusive in many other ways too. When we had children he would also take their birthday/Christmas money from them.

In my opinion you need to consider if you want to be with this person. This is a serious indicator that he has no respect for you and has no issue with lying to your face. It's a big deal op.

Aubriella · 27/12/2021 10:49

Dump this loser.

He steals your money and lives off you and you’re ‘uncomfortable’ saying anything. Jesus.

riceuten · 27/12/2021 10:49

I have to say "haven’t asked yet because I felt uncomfortable" does not bode well, he's basically nicked your money and you don't want to take him up on it?

MadeForThis · 27/12/2021 10:50

He didn't even offer to give you the £40 back!
Why did he keep the other £20.

His attitude to money is very strange.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 27/12/2021 10:52

@Hankunamatata

If dh leaves money on side I often lift £10 etc if nipping to the shops etc and dh does the same. We just stick money back later
This is different to taking someone's gifted money imo.

Dh and I share all finances, but if we are given birthday or Christmas money, it's for us to decide how we each use our own.

Floralnomad · 27/12/2021 10:52

Why do you feel uncomfortable , just ask him for the whole £40 back

Starcaller · 27/12/2021 10:53

It's fine if you have the established dynamic of using whatever is to hand and settling up later. But that's not the case here. He had easy access to money that is his and he chose not to use it and instead use the OP's without asking or mentioning it, and now he says it was 'only' £20, but he still has the other £20 in his possession and hasn't offered to pay it back?

If you can't ask someone who you refer to as your partner to pay you back then you need to unpick why you feel unable to ask something that is entirely reasonable. Just say 'I'll take that £40 back now please, I have plans for it' and wait there until he goes into his stash and retrieves it. Don't let him fob you off. Stand there and keep saying it until he does it. And if he doesn't, well that tells you all you need to know, and £40 is probably a bargain for finding that out now rather than later.