DP hiding his Christmas money but using mine

[goodbyechristmastree]

We’re both in our late twenties but some family members still give us money for Christmas. His parents and grandparents (to him) and my dad who I don’t have a great relationship with but he seems to think a Christmas card with a cheque in a year is a fine relationship!

Background: Been with DP for a few years, have a child together, share a bank account, everything comes out of that.

DP’s nan very kindly gave me £40 for Christmas (which I was very surprised about!) and my DP was given money by all of his family. When I asked him how much it was; he was very vague ‘Oh just a bunch of tens’. I didn’t ask anything else after that but noticed he had very quickly stashed it away in a cabinet.

Just to say, I think it’s lovely of his family to give him so much, but it was odd behaviour. I was even more miffed when I found that he had taken my £40 to spend on a takeaway for himself.

I noticed my money was gone this morning and out of curiosity went to the cabinet to see how much he’d been given (confused as to why he had used the money I had been given), and it’s gone.

We never have secrecy or arguments around money, so I’m just really confused. I’m the main earner so understand that maybe he just wants this to himself which of course it’s his money so whatever, but to then go and spend mine on a takeaway? Confused by this whole situation...

Will eventually ask him but he’s still asleep, and just wanted to vent a little!

@Aubriella

Dump this loser.

He steals your money and lives off you and you’re ‘uncomfortable’ saying anything. Jesus.

I came to say something like this. You sound afraid of him. He’s going to help himself to everything that’s yours knowing damn well you won’t call him on it. He’s a cunt.

£40 on a takeaway on Boxing Day? What was it - cocaine? Cannabis?

Red flag. It is so much easier to split with him now than when your lives are more intertwined.

@Eggshausted
The op has clarified that it was £20 on the takeaway
He still has the other £20

@Bwix
They have a child. Can’t get more intertwined than that

Well if it was only £20 he took, where’s the other £20. If it’s not there then he took all of it and is lying or gaslighting you!
He’s taken his families money and hidden it, won’t tell you how much there was but then taken your families money as well
Also the fact you won’t ask for it back because it makes you feel uncomfortable is very telling.

Is he normally this controlling?

YABU, because you haven't asked for the money back. He's told you he's taken it and it sounds like you've just said okay and walked off

He sounds like a dick.
Never have a joint bank account with someone you aren’t married to. And even then have a separate one for your money and use the hunt one for joint expenses and bills.

I would tell him no it’s £40 as it’s all gone and you want it back now, hand it over

OP I agree with PPs it sounds like you should have more conversations around money. You mentioned you are the main earner, how costa are split between the two of you? I can imagine if he doesn't earn much he might want to use the money he has been given to buy/do something, but does this fall within a pattern or taking you for granted? I can understand him using some of the cash from your present to pay for a takeaway because he doesn't have other cash around (although he could have used the cash from his present), but it's not right he doesn't pay it back straight away and should ask him to

@Hope478

YABU, because you haven't asked for the money back. He's told you he's taken it and it sounds like you've just said okay and walked off

This!

How bizarre.

I would Not be happy with this!
Just ask for the £40 back and stash your money somewhere he can't find it.

Why have you not asked for the £40 back?

Have you got your own bank account or just the joint account? Strongly advise you have an independent account for your salary and transfer your share to the shared account.

You meekly next quiet because you felt uncomfortable?! Sorry OP but you’re being an utter doormat. No wonder he is walking all over you!

@Bwix

Red flag. It is so much easier to split with him now than when your lives are more intertwined.

Sadly their lives are already intertwined, but since he is a thief, I'd say it's worth undoing all of that.

He stole from you, please demand your money back

Why are you putting up with this and scared to comment? Is there a back story, is he abusive?

@goodbyechristmastree

So he’s finally awake and I asked him and apparently I got it wrong it was only £20 of it. He said he had it to hand. Didn’t offer it back but I haven’t asked yet because I felt uncomfortable. Still no idea where his is or why he didn’t have his to hand.. and no I didn’t have a takeaway, I’d already eaten.

You feel uncomfortable asking for your money, but he felt nothing taking it.

Come on!!

@SpiderFluff

Do you think he might have a gambling or drug addiction?

That's my thought too. His money had gone out of the cabinet so where is it?

@Bluntness100

He’s stolen from you. That would be the end for me.

This.

@Hankunamatata

If dh leaves money on side I often lift £10 etc if nipping to the shops etc and dh does the same. We just stick money back later

We have this too, it’s called the family stash. Everyone knows there’s £60 that’s available if necessary, and you replace it when you’ve borrowed. Or tell me, so I know to top up. I could leave my Christmas money on the table for a year, and no one would take it. Because it’s not theirs to use.

Tell he owes you the money back, and since hes so secretive about money I’d reconsider the joint finances if I were you.

He should be giving you the £20 back. I can understand borrowing the cash to buy a takeaway and then replacing it. Even if you shared all of your money, this is a present to you. It's different. It's money for you to spend how you want. He's effectively stolen your present.

@goodbyechristmastree

So he’s finally awake and I asked him and apparently I got it wrong it was only £20 of it. He said he had it to hand. Didn’t offer it back but I haven’t asked yet because I felt uncomfortable. Still no idea where his is or why he didn’t have his to hand.. and no I didn’t have a takeaway, I’d already eaten.

This indicates a much bigger going problem. Why on earth would you feel uncomfortable?