Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty about deciding to have one child

140 replies

Daisiebell · 27/12/2021 07:29

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and me and DP have decided not to have any more.
I had horrific PND and it was a really difficult time for us all. I still struggle now.
But I’m absolutely racked with this feeling of guilt, that I should be giving him a sibling because my body is able.
He saw his cousins yesterday and loved playing with them (unfortunately they don’t live nearby and were just visiting). I felt a sadness that he won’t ever have that.
I don’t want him to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t think I can go through it all again.
I had a brother growing up and my DP had a brother and sister, so neither of us know what it’s like to be an only child.

My friend who is older than me (I’m 33) and who had IVF to have her daughter is really upset that she can’t give her a sibling and seems to wish she was in the position to choose like I am…I feel terribly guilty Sad

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 27/12/2021 07:32

AIBU to feel like this?

Yes. Kindly. Because there are millions of happy, healthy singletons. Mine is one of them. Foster friendships and your child will be great. Don't worry.

Chikapu · 27/12/2021 07:33

Yes, you are being unreasonable, you don't have to bring more children into the world simply to stop the ones already here from feeling lonely.

Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 07:33

We have one by choice, I think it's great and don't feel guilty at all.

SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 07:33

Ahh mum guilt. It's the worst.

It's fine. Your child will be fine xxx

blueflowersinthesnow · 27/12/2021 07:35

Both my husband and best friend are only children, they both say they've always loved it. It's fine, don't beat yourself up.

rattlemehearties · 27/12/2021 07:35

YANBU to have those feelings! There's pros and cons to every decision. It's not an easy decision and perhaps you'll always have pangs of "what if". Your feelings are valid.

I had PND first time round and it was a very hard decision to have another child. No PND second time. You still have years to change your decision if you wish, no need to pressure yourself by thinking it's fixed in stone

NewtoHolland · 27/12/2021 07:40

Mum guilt is the worst.. if you had another you'd probably feel guilty he was getting less time and attention...I think having one is getting more and more common now. It just depends what feels right for you as a family.

Icebreaker99 · 27/12/2021 07:48

you don't have to bring more children into the world simply to stop the ones already here from feeling lonely.

This with bells on! We're one and done by choice in part because I wouldn't want to take my already limited time away from my child to focus on another. If you're on Facebook I would suggest you join the group One and Done: Parents of an Only Child by Choice, it's really empowering and useful.

UnaOfStormhold · 27/12/2021 07:48

Try the book Parenting your only child - lots in there to alleviate guilt and help you plan to mitigate the downsides and make the most of the upsides. In our case it wasn't voluntary but the book was a real turning point for me.

Glitterheart · 27/12/2021 08:01

Please don’t feel guilty - I am an only child and had the most wonderful childhood. I have always been very happy as an only child and have never felt I’ve missed out by not having siblings. So much so I felt guilty when I was pregnant with DD2 as felt guilty DD1 wouldn’t have all the benefits of being the only one! X

Shebangshebong · 27/12/2021 08:04

Yes YABU. I'm an only and I'm sick to death of people thinking poor only children. You have a healthy happy child, stop being ridiculous.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/12/2021 08:04

Kids accept what they are given, in the grand scheme of decent parents, a warm house, good food etc- a sibling is pretty low on the “need” list

malificent7 · 27/12/2021 08:24

Siblings don't always get on. Tbh many fight like cats and dogs. I'm only now friendly to mine at the age of 43.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/12/2021 08:49

Yes (kindly) YABU. There are pros and cons to having 1 child or more, There are plenty of ways to ensure your child isn’t lonely, eg play dates and sleep overs. Teaching your child how to make and retain friends is much more useful than giving them siblings - siblings don’t always have anything in common or live anywhere near each other as adults.

Fritilleries · 27/12/2021 08:54

I don't feel guilty having one. Cheaper in the long run, better on the environment. Win win.

Chunkymonkey13 · 27/12/2021 09:03

No I don’t think you are being unreasonable, your feelings are valid no matter what. It’s almost like your grieving for that child you could potentially have but you know you aren’t going to.

I think you need to grieve, be pissed off that you had PND, feel and try to let these emotions go. You are probably bottling these up not allowing yourself to feel then when in fact you need to do the opposite to move forward.

Make a pro list of all the things you can and want to do as a family of 3, like Disney world etc and focus on these experiences.

Please be kind to yourself 💐

DontWantTheRivalry · 27/12/2021 09:07

You should never feel guilty or unreasonable for feeling the emotions you do. Emotions usually aren’t rational so can rarely be reasoned with.

You clearly have very valid reasons for choosing not to have a second child but that doesn’t make any feelings of guilt (in your eyes) disappear.

It was my intention to only have one child but I remember watching him when he was 2 year old and he was looking at another group of children playing and he looked sad that he wasn’t part of it. I’m sure he wasn’t, but that’s how I perceived it. So I do understand what triggers those feelings of guilt and it’s really hard.

There is no answer to how you manage this, like I said emotions are usually very raw and we can’t help but respond to them so I won’t give you any platitudes because I don’t think that helps anything.

Just talk to other people about how you’re feeling, don’t bottle it up and just allow yourself to feel however you do and I’m sure in time you will find a way to move on Flowers

MoniJitchell · 27/12/2021 09:15

I felt the exact same as you, we weren't able to have a sibling for DD11, and she is absolutely thriving in only child life. We have made sure to help her foster strong friendships and have always allowed her to have friends over very often, she never feels lonely.

When she goes to friends houses that have siblings she always comes home glad that she doesn't have to put up with the noise and fighting.

Advice I would give is hobbies and friendships are really important, and we also got a dog who she loves very much.

colabucks · 27/12/2021 09:17

I am an only and so is my other half, and I know many others. Not one of us looks back and wishes we had siblings.

One thing I will say though - be careful of putting undue pressure on your child. Sometimes when there is only one to focus on, the pressure on them to achieve feels greater - but that may just be my own personal experience. I did go through my entire childhood with undiagnosed ADHD mind, so that may have contributed to the way I felt.

Your child will be fine though, promise. They will have friends at school and at clubs and things if they go. It is not selfish to only have one. The fact that you're worried about it proves you are not selfish Smile You sound like an amazing mum. That's all your child needs ❤️

JuergenSchwarzwald · 27/12/2021 09:20

@Tabbacus

We have one by choice, I think it's great and don't feel guilty at all.
Same here.

But if you did want a long list of reasons:

I didn't like being pregnant.
I decided to quit while I was ahead as I'd come out of pregnancy and childbirth relatively unscathed
DS slept well and I didn't think I'd be that lucky again
Childcare for two was too expensive
I am now finding that university for two would be far too expensive Grin
It's better for the planet

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/12/2021 09:23

@SpiderFluff

Ahh mum guilt. It's the worst.

It's fine. Your child will be fine xxx

How you now the child will be fine?

I had a good friend at school who hated being an only child, she went on to have 3 children in quick succession when the rest of the friendship group were still at uni. She's happy now but wasn't for 18 years

There's no way to know how the child will feel.

Obviously my anecdote is just that but illustrates that you can't make sweeping generalisations about things you have no way of knowing

HeCalledMeAddie · 27/12/2021 09:26

I sometimes feel like this, but then I think if I had a second I might then feel guilty about not spending as much time with dd, not being able to go as many nice places and take her to see things, not being able to afford as nice a life.
She's 4, so by the time I had another they wouldn't have similar interests, would I then spend my time trying to find things we could all do as a family and one of them not enjoy it.

I think as mums we just always feel guilty about something and having another child just to stop one being lonely probably isn't a good enough reason, I would only have another now if I genuinely, truly wanted one.

SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 09:29

She's happy now but wasn't for 18 years

So she's fine now.

And there's no way of knowing that having a sibling would have made her any happier.

Startrooper · 27/12/2021 09:34

I’m an only child and my DS will be an only child due to having him at 40, and feeling that I was too old/risky to try for another one.

From what I have observed my whole life many siblings don’t get on well into adulthood, and that could happen if you had another one, so having a second child is not guarantee of siblings having a good relationship.

There are many positives to just having one, as well as a few downsides like there are for multiple DC. Learn to be confident in your decision and focus on giving your DC the best life you can offer.

AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair · 27/12/2021 09:34

@SpiderFluff

She's happy now but wasn't for 18 years

So she's fine now.

And there's no way of knowing that having a sibling would have made her any happier.

Absolutely right, I don't know if a sibling would have made her happier but somehow you know that the OP"s child will be fine

Can you explain how you are able to know that? What special power do you have that I don't?