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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling guilty about deciding to have one child

140 replies

Daisiebell · 27/12/2021 07:29

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and me and DP have decided not to have any more.
I had horrific PND and it was a really difficult time for us all. I still struggle now.
But I’m absolutely racked with this feeling of guilt, that I should be giving him a sibling because my body is able.
He saw his cousins yesterday and loved playing with them (unfortunately they don’t live nearby and were just visiting). I felt a sadness that he won’t ever have that.
I don’t want him to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t think I can go through it all again.
I had a brother growing up and my DP had a brother and sister, so neither of us know what it’s like to be an only child.

My friend who is older than me (I’m 33) and who had IVF to have her daughter is really upset that she can’t give her a sibling and seems to wish she was in the position to choose like I am…I feel terribly guilty Sad

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Mommabear20 · 28/12/2021 09:03

I don't think you have any reason to feel guilty, there are definitely pros and cons to both being a single child and also having siblings, so don't beat yourself up about it.

But with that in mind, if you did want to have a sibling for your DS there are other options including adoption, fostering etc.

At the end of the day, I always feel that the happiest kids are those whose parents are happy.

Willyoujustbequiet · 28/12/2021 09:18

I'm in the unfortunate position of knowing both sides due to the loss of a wonderful sibling

Although it's been many years now I would give anything to have a brother or sister. It was awful to have to deal with my mums illness and death by myself.

My dc have no cousins, no aunts or uncles. It's just awful. I feel totally alone in my memories. I really wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Friends are not the same.

Mooda · 28/12/2021 09:31

There's no guarantee siblings will enhance each others' lives and an only child can be a very happy child. DH is an only child and really only wanted us to have one DC, which speaks volumes I think in terms of how he remembers his childhood. We do have three, which in many ways is great, but DC2 & 3 are close and similar personalities whereas DC1 is often out on her own. I think she actually would have loved being an only child. She always seems happiest when it's just me, DH and her doing something together.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 09:37

@Elisemum

You say you had an 'amazing childhood' so how staggeringly ungrateful to say your parents were selfish for not having another child. Unreal.

I have a brother. We fought throughout childhood, he is a bully and we have no relationship other than being civil for my parents sake. We are now in our 30s. He ruined large parts of my childhood.

It's a case of luck of the draw whether siblings will grow up being best friends or not.

You say parents who have one child are selfish. I say people who call other parents selfish for their decision re number of children, especially when they don't know them as individuals, are horrible.

Also, have you missed that OP had terrible PND after her child? You still think she's selfish not to have another, even with the risk of having PND again which would affect her, her existing child and the hypothetical next child. Interested to hear your thoughts on this as from the outside, you're guilt tripping a woman who had severe PND.

Elisemum · 28/12/2021 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 09:45

@Elisemum

It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.

Actual data disagrees with you:

"What about the awkward only child? The data has largely rejected that idea for decades. A review article which summaries 140 studies found some evidence of more “academic motivation” among only children, but no differences on personality traits like extroversion. In other words, although you might expect a built-in playmate makes a kid more social, the data doesn’t bear that out.
*
Other studies have looked at children in China, where the one-child policy effectively created a generation of children with no siblings. Comparing only children to those in China with siblings (since some families do have two children), it’s hard to see any systematic personality differenceses_ between siblings and only children in things like extroversion.

One thing this literature shows us is that birth order matters. First born children — regardless of whether they have sibling or not — perform slightly betterer_ on I.Q. tests, get more schooling and have higher earnings later in life. They also score higher on personality measures of academic motivation than later born children. It’s not clear why this is, although one reason may be the amount of time parents can dedicate to a child early in life. For example, more time reading or talking to your child encourages language development.*

Pulling all of this data together, it would seem that siblings do not have a large impact on most characteristics we can measure. In the end, neither the deprived younger sibling idea nor the awkward only child one hold much water. Parents argue about these ideas across the internet, saying that having or lacking siblings is key to making your child the best they can be. The evidence disagrees. Your decision about how many children to have should be just that: your decision about what works best for your family."

In fact another study even revealed only children in the UK are the most contented:

"One of the widest-ranging research projects on family life conducted in Britain has revealed that the fewer siblings children have, the happier they are – and that only children are the most contented.

The findings, shared exclusively with the Observer, suggest that "sibling bullying" could be part of the problem, with 31% of children saying they are hit, kicked or pushed by a brother or sister "quite a lot" or "a lot". Others complain of belongings being stolen by siblings and being called hurtful names.

The figures are the first to emerge from Understanding Society, a study tracking the lives of 100,000 people in 40,000 British households.

While the findings seem surprising, experts say there are clear reasons why more siblings could reduce happiness. Dr Ruth Coppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it. There is competition for parental time."

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 09:47

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Elisemum

It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.

Actual data disagrees with you:

"What about the awkward only child? The data has largely rejected that idea for decades. A review article which summaries 140 studies found some evidence of more “academic motivation” among only children, but no differences on personality traits like extroversion. In other words, although you might expect a built-in playmate makes a kid more social, the data doesn’t bear that out.
*
Other studies have looked at children in China, where the one-child policy effectively created a generation of children with no siblings. Comparing only children to those in China with siblings (since some families do have two children), it’s hard to see any systematic personality differenceses_ between siblings and only children in things like extroversion.

One thing this literature shows us is that birth order matters. First born children — regardless of whether they have sibling or not — perform slightly betterer_ on I.Q. tests, get more schooling and have higher earnings later in life. They also score higher on personality measures of academic motivation than later born children. It’s not clear why this is, although one reason may be the amount of time parents can dedicate to a child early in life. For example, more time reading or talking to your child encourages language development.*

Pulling all of this data together, it would seem that siblings do not have a large impact on most characteristics we can measure. In the end, neither the deprived younger sibling idea nor the awkward only child one hold much water. Parents argue about these ideas across the internet, saying that having or lacking siblings is key to making your child the best they can be. The evidence disagrees. Your decision about how many children to have should be just that: your decision about what works best for your family."

In fact another study even revealed only children in the UK are the most contented:

"One of the widest-ranging research projects on family life conducted in Britain has revealed that the fewer siblings children have, the happier they are – and that only children are the most contented.

The findings, shared exclusively with the Observer, suggest that "sibling bullying" could be part of the problem, with 31% of children saying they are hit, kicked or pushed by a brother or sister "quite a lot" or "a lot". Others complain of belongings being stolen by siblings and being called hurtful names.

The figures are the first to emerge from Understanding Society, a study tracking the lives of 100,000 people in 40,000 British households.

While the findings seem surprising, experts say there are clear reasons why more siblings could reduce happiness. Dr Ruth Coppard, a child psychologist, said: "In an average home the more children, the less privacy for each child. Some love sharing a bedroom with a sibling but they would rather choose to do it than have to do it. There is competition for parental time."[/quote]
Text glitches thanks to copy and paste!

Elisemum · 28/12/2021 09:48

@Lovelydiscusfish i understand your point, I know now all siblings are best friends, and some end up hating each other! My mum for example hates her sibling who was a truly horrible person. My husband is not very close to his sibling either. However I do know other siblings who really are best friends and can relay on each other in life. Is it bad of me to hope my own children will be best friends and have each other’s back?? Of course this is what I’m hoping for. I don’t know anyone who gets pregnant the second time and says” let’s have a second baby, they will hate each other”

Icebreaker99 · 28/12/2021 09:53

Is it bad of me to hope my own children will be best friends and have each other’s back??

Of course it's not, but it is bad to tell parents they are selfish for not having additional children they don't want. And say things are proven fact when they are not.

lollipoprainbow · 28/12/2021 09:55

*No need to feel guilty. Make sure your child has plenty of playdates and friends and give DC lots of your time and attention

Sorted*

If only it was that simple for my only child she's autistic and struggles to make friends and have play dates. Not all only children are 'confident' and can talk to anyone. If I could have had a second child I would at least my dd wouldn't have been so lonely.

5keletor · 28/12/2021 09:57

Realistically they might love being an only child, or they might wish they had siblings, there's no way to know. We have 2 and I worried that our first would be put out when the baby arrived, but he loves having a brother. I guess that shows you could probably make yourself feel guilty no matter what you do!
I am an only child and although I have no way of knowing what siblings would have been like, I do wish I had some. However my parents didn't want a child in the first place, my dad is such an all round awful person I'm completely NC with him now, and my mum has never really been overly kind to me. It would have been nice to have someone to play with and share in dealing with it all, but my experience is squarely down to how my parents treated me, not simply disliking being the only child.

Elisemum · 28/12/2021 09:58

@Icebreaker99 well i didn’t really say they are selfish, I think I said “I would feel a bit selfish”.
And I don’t judge anyone, OP wants to have one then it’s fine it’s none of anyones business.
All I said was that it’s nice for kids to have a company growing up, and that seeing my toddler with the new baby brings me joy that I wouldn’t have even known if he was the only child. It’s like a different new level of motherhood and is amazing. I don’t judge anyone for thinking differently and having different choices

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/12/2021 09:59

[quote Elisemum]@Lovelydiscusfish i understand your point, I know now all siblings are best friends, and some end up hating each other! My mum for example hates her sibling who was a truly horrible person. My husband is not very close to his sibling either. However I do know other siblings who really are best friends and can relay on each other in life. Is it bad of me to hope my own children will be best friends and have each other’s back?? Of course this is what I’m hoping for. I don’t know anyone who gets pregnant the second time and says” let’s have a second baby, they will hate each other”[/quote]
I’m not even sure why I am bothering but here goes.

Nobody thinks you are wrong to HOPE your children will have a good relationship. What is categorically wrong is your statement earlier that you KNOW they will. Because you cannot accurately predict the future and therefore cannot know this.

You have made the fundamentally selfish decision to have children - two of them. That’s fine, lots of people do it - I had one myself so I’m in no position to judge you. But I do hope that you did it because you actually wanted to have two children, not out of some misguided belief that you can control the future and make them be friends.

And you made a horrible statement to a poster earlier about her being “lower class”. I’m working class too, and proud of it, so probably safest you disregard all my opinions immediately anyway…….

Elisemum · 28/12/2021 10:04

@Lovelydiscusfish yes always dreamt about having 2 kids and that’s why I had two.
I do know a couple who had a child and we’re going through divorce and actually hated each other at that stage but “made” another baby. The woman told me they only did it to give their child a sibling becouse they hope never to see each other again so the child is not lonely. So look, there are different people out there with different motivations.

Icebreaker99 · 28/12/2021 10:06

@Elisemum if you read back what you wrote that isn't what you said and it did sound judgmental. I'm glad to hear that isn't how you really feel and it's lovely that your children are close, long may that continue. Posters are responding to your previous comments though.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 28/12/2021 10:06

@Elisemum

I mean you're just lying now, you absolutely did say it was selfish. You said it very clearly in your post at 7.27:

yes it is selfish.

How horrible of you to guilt trip a woman who had severe PND by saying she would be selfish not to have another. Ugh.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 10:13

[quote Elisemum]@Icebreaker99 well i didn’t really say they are selfish, I think I said “I would feel a bit selfish”.
And I don’t judge anyone, OP wants to have one then it’s fine it’s none of anyones business.
All I said was that it’s nice for kids to have a company growing up, and that seeing my toddler with the new baby brings me joy that I wouldn’t have even known if he was the only child. It’s like a different new level of motherhood and is amazing. I don’t judge anyone for thinking differently and having different choices[/quote]
Let’s remind you

* yes it is selfish*

SilverPeacock · 28/12/2021 10:13

If someone is lonely or sad it has probably got fuck all to do with whether they have a sibling or not, this is according to the reasearch. You may have an easy sibling relationship, you may hate them, you may have to care for them, they may fuck off to the other side of the world leaving you to deal with elderly parents as in my case. Having siblings is no guarantee of anything.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 10:14

Speaks volumes re mumsnet stance on your position @Elisemum….

that mumsnet deleted your comment replying to my post, but didn’t delete my post

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 10:15

I have two siblings and adore them both

And I have 2 and absolutely love having two and they get on wonderfully

Btw

SallyWD · 28/12/2021 10:15

My second DC is a handful. Very demanding of my time and attention. High maintenance! It really affects DC1 who now has a lot less of our time and has to put up with a jealous younger sibling who wants to spoil all her fun (especially when she's receiving attention from us). Yes they do get on and play together sometimes - but I have felt guilty MANY times for giving her a sibling. She was much happier before! And before anyone comments - we do everything we can to make DC1 feel loved and secure. You never know how your 2nd DC will be and its not a given that having a sibling will be a positive experience for them.

RussianSpy101 · 28/12/2021 10:17

YANBU. There are lots of cons to being an only child and it seems as though you aren’t fully on board with this decision.
Were your reasons for having 1 financial?

Xmasishere10 · 28/12/2021 10:18

I’m an only child, it was fine especially once I became a teen and had friends I could speak to/see whenever I wanted.

What’s more important is making sure an only child has a good support/family network around. As an adult only child with no family family around (though great friends) what i struggle with now is not having someone to share the worry/responsibilities for caring for my mum when she needs help or if she’s unwell etc. Of course I don’t mind doing it but as her needs increase as she gets older it’s stressful with all of life’s other demands and it’d be great to have other family/siblings not even necessarily to help with the demands but just to be able to speak to someone who cares about her in a similar way about what’s going on as the mental load can feel a lot. This is the only time I’ve really wished for a sibling.

Please don’t feel guilty, like others have said there’s no guarantee they’d get on, and they’re better off having a mum who is mentally healthy than a sibling.

JulieGoods · 28/12/2021 10:22

Yes YABU.

I'm an only. Never wanted a sibling. Still don't. Very happy.

Wouldn't feel sad at all with an only child. There are so many benefits and in these times it's getting more and more common.

Let your guilt go. What if you got pregnant again and that child was unwell/difficult/twins/didn't get on with DC1.

A sibling isn't a guaranteed friend for life. I know plenty of people who wish they didn't have siblings.

SilverPeacock · 28/12/2021 10:32

I was an introverted and lonely child with a popular and confident sibling. This made me feel even worse about myself like there was something wrong with me in comparison. Having a sibling has not saved me from self doubt and lonliness in my life. It has not saved me from the brunt of caring responsibilities. I love my sibling but we are different.