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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty about deciding to have one child

140 replies

Daisiebell · 27/12/2021 07:29

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and me and DP have decided not to have any more.
I had horrific PND and it was a really difficult time for us all. I still struggle now.
But I’m absolutely racked with this feeling of guilt, that I should be giving him a sibling because my body is able.
He saw his cousins yesterday and loved playing with them (unfortunately they don’t live nearby and were just visiting). I felt a sadness that he won’t ever have that.
I don’t want him to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t think I can go through it all again.
I had a brother growing up and my DP had a brother and sister, so neither of us know what it’s like to be an only child.

My friend who is older than me (I’m 33) and who had IVF to have her daughter is really upset that she can’t give her a sibling and seems to wish she was in the position to choose like I am…I feel terribly guilty Sad

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
MintyGreenDream · 27/12/2021 13:23

We decided against a second for the same reason as you and I'm very happy.Ds is 7 and has plenty of friends and rarely questions why he's an only.We have the time,energy and money for him that having more could affect.

Bavarois · 27/12/2021 13:35

@KewMummy87 . It brings me huge comfort to know that they have a lifelong relationship with one another - can be aunts/uncles to each others children, their children will have cousins etc... I wish, wish, wish I’d had a sibling

Why are you assuming all/any of your children will have their own children? None of the above statements are guarantees.

For an alternative perspective, I won't say I wish I didn't have a sibling as that's awful, but my sister and I very different people who don't get on particularly well. Growing up I was still lonely sometimes. She was 4 years younger so we played separately. At family events I'd get shunted to the kids table despite being a lot older. As adults, she's very immature and selfish. I see her roughly 3 times a year (she lives 40 miles away). In theory I can understand why parents want the sibling relationship for their children but it doesn't always work out that way. My dad still tries to convince me (and himself) that my sister and I get on so well. We don't!

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/12/2021 13:44

YABU to feel like that ,(though I guess you can't actually help the way you feel!). You will have more time, resources and money for your child than if they had a sibling. Only children have some advantages, I thought they generally did better at school, better jobs etc than children with siblings? Getting on with cousins on a playdate is not the same as living with someone day in day out. You might not actually fall pregnant easily the second time. You may have complications that means you are less able to look after your first child. They may hate each other. It's a big gamble even if it is something that you really want to do. I had a second and it triggered a health condition that was fine in my first pregnancy, I was bed bound for 6 months, my second didn't sleep and has issues with food...yes most things gave resolved now but the first 2 years of their life was pretty shit for us as a family and must have had an effect on my eldest

Coroico97 · 27/12/2021 14:13

I am an only child in my 50s. I had a fabulous childhood. Got on brilliantly with my parents. Had lovely holidays, so many laughs and had absolutely no issues. I was very happy, had lots of friends and cousins and all was good. However, when my parents got old and ill I was on my own. My cousins and friends were kind and helpful from a distance but had their own parents and families. They both ended up with dementia and it was incredibly difficult. However many friends you have, and how much family support you have, you are on your own at 3am when the carer calls to say your dad with dementia has gone wandering off. I never wished for a sibling until I was in my 40s. And now they are gone, there no one to share funny everyday family memories with. Not saying this is necessarily a reason to have more than one child of course. Just another viewpoint. In my case, childhood and early adulthood were the easy parts.

BlueJag · 27/12/2021 15:13

Having one child is wonderful. We have a 16 year old son. We have been able to give him everything. We shower him with love and attention. He managed not to spoil him and he is really well behaved. He loves our company and not a hint of rebellion. Best decision we've ever made to have only one child.

BlueJag · 27/12/2021 15:13

Our son never asked or wish for a sibling. He has great friends and does very well socially.

Thwackit · 27/12/2021 16:57

I really wish people would stop feeling pressure to have kids they don’t particularly want in order to ‘keep the other child company’ at the expense of their own well-being. Absolute madness and the people that keep raising this nonsense in order to pressure people like you, OP (“won’t they be lonely? When are you going to give us another grandchild?” etc etc’) really do need to mind their own business.

Who even guarantees they’ll get on? Most people I know bickered constantly with their siblings! What guarantee is there that they’ll want to play together or have similar shared interests? That’s what school and friends are for - keeping children company. You don’t have a child for the main reason of keeping another child company.

Elisemum · 27/12/2021 17:17

I would feel guilty too :( everyone should give children a sibling if you can, otherwise it’s a bit selfish.
Now before anyone bites me, I said “if you can” as in if you can afford it, have a proper house etc.
I just had a second baby and seeing my toddler with him is the best thing I could ever wish for and makes my heart full every day. It is of course stressful too and very hard sometimes to look after 2, sometimes you can feel like you just want to run away, but it’s all worth it!

HeyMoana · 27/12/2021 17:27

Only child here.
No problems, perfectly happy childhood.
Just a couple of things to consider based on my experience only....
Support your child to keep a couple of life long friendships if possible. I was a fliberty jibbet and now have no one that knew me as a child.

Also, make it clear you don't expect them to take care of you in your old age. They may chose to but it was something I worried about even as a teen.

Finally, don't over- share your problems. I think teens get relief from moaning about their parents together in their bedroom but as an only one it's harder to get perspective....it's easier to take on the adult's problems.
Upside.....more time, more money, more say in things...pretty much brill.

KewMummy87 · 27/12/2021 17:47

@Bavarois no assumptions, but if either of my children have children of their own, their child(ren) will have an aunt/uncle.

I’m extremely sad that my children don’t have aunts/uncles/cousins on my side.

KewMummy87 · 27/12/2021 17:50

@Coroico97 this sums up my experience really well too. I long for someone to be able to remember my childhood with.

Sunset999 · 27/12/2021 17:55

Gosh dont feel guilty, not all siblings get on anyway , even if they do as children not always later in life. Enjoy your child and ignore silly comments

Octopus37 · 27/12/2021 19:11

I think whatever you decide or whatever kids you have, you'll always have the grass is greener moments. I have two boys, two years and nine months apart. Sometimes they are close, sometimes they fight like cat and dog, they are 11 and 14. For me, a big part of wanting another baby was wanting DS1 to have someone to share his childhood with and also to share the burden of old age. That isn't to say, DS2 hasn't been loved and wanted in his own right. My Mum died when I was 27 and we my Sister and I have had and continue to have many turbulent times with my Dad. We didn't always get on when we were younger, but as an adult I am so grateful for this. On the other hand, I see Mum's with one child and they seem so much more organised, focused and better than me, with more money and cleaner houses. I feel very slap dash in comparison, although like most people I do my best. I couldn't have handled any more than two kids though. Its totally up to you, but I agree that Mum's guilt gets you whatever you decide.

CorsicaDreaming · 27/12/2021 20:37

Don't feel guilty.

Having one is fine. We have one. He's great. He has lots of friends. His age, gender, interests. It works. We both have time for him and time for ourselves too.

Listen to "one and done" by Russell Kane. Just very funny but true...

CorsicaDreaming · 27/12/2021 20:39

PS he's nine years old next month, and I still think it's fine.

I regret not ever having a daughter sometimes - but for myself really, not as I think they'd be a companion for DS.

mermaidgiraffe · 27/12/2021 22:29

It's absolutely fine. He may wish he had siblings as he gets older, he may not. His sibling could be his ready made best friend or they could have absolutely nothing in common. It's impossible to predict the future so it's really not worth beating yourself up over.

Seedandyarn · 27/12/2021 22:40

I find parents care way more about a child being an only than the child.
We knew after my DD was born we wouldn't have another after loosing her sister.
We always framed being a single child family in a positive light at 7 she isn't the slightest bit bothered about having a sibling or lonely at all.

Two of her best friends are only children too (I have come to realise it's much more common now a days) and they both seem just as happy as DD to be one.

My DD is confident and out going always happy to approach other children in the playground far more so than other children I know especially those with siblings close in age.

Seedandyarn · 27/12/2021 22:44

I don't find it any more selfish having not provided my child with a (living) sibling than providing one that she might grow up to hate.
People love to go on about how selfish it is to have an only child ignoring their own selfish desires for another can be detrimental to the first born.

Reading the threads on her plenty of people have cute moments with their sibling as kids only to later for the relationship to sour.

BowledOverly · 27/12/2021 22:47

Teen DD spent today with her cousins. When she came home she was utterly drained and thanked me for only having her Grin

Not all only children are lonely. I’m an only too and never felt lonely growing up as I had lots of friends.

ToastofLandon · 27/12/2021 22:49

Please don’t feel guilty. I do feel where you are coming from though as it is something I’ve grappled with but I’ve made peace with my decision and my DD is nearly 5 now. Hang in there.

There is a Facebook group called My first, my last, my everything that I highly recommend for parents of onlies. Made me feel like I wasn’t alone and could share my feelings in a safe space.

lollipoprainbow · 27/12/2021 22:57

My dd is an only and not super confident like a lot of people on here saying their only children are. She's autistic and struggles socially, I would have loved a sibling for her.

WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 27/12/2021 22:58

@Elisemum

I would feel guilty too :( everyone should give children a sibling if you can, otherwise it’s a bit selfish. Now before anyone bites me, I said “if you can” as in if you can afford it, have a proper house etc. I just had a second baby and seeing my toddler with him is the best thing I could ever wish for and makes my heart full every day. It is of course stressful too and very hard sometimes to look after 2, sometimes you can feel like you just want to run away, but it’s all worth it!
How is it selfish?
WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia · 27/12/2021 23:00

^^ Actually I take my question back. I don’t want to know how you justify your bigotry. Just go away and stop trying to make the Op feel even worse.

BowledOverly · 27/12/2021 23:03

@Elisemum

I would feel guilty too :( everyone should give children a sibling if you can, otherwise it’s a bit selfish. Now before anyone bites me, I said “if you can” as in if you can afford it, have a proper house etc. I just had a second baby and seeing my toddler with him is the best thing I could ever wish for and makes my heart full every day. It is of course stressful too and very hard sometimes to look after 2, sometimes you can feel like you just want to run away, but it’s all worth it!
Disgusting comment. You’re utterly wrong of course as you’re only thinking of your want for a second child. May your smugness last as with that sort of outlook and judgemental attitude, it’ll be interesting to see how your two turn out.
Cici22 · 27/12/2021 23:17

Me and my partner had the worst time during teens with our siblings. Me and my brother used to fight loads. Honestly don't want that life for me and my kid. You don't have to have more than one. This is my first pregnancy and I'm sure as hell not going to be jumping to do this again. It isn't fun at all

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