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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling guilty about deciding to have one child

140 replies

Daisiebell · 27/12/2021 07:29

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and me and DP have decided not to have any more.
I had horrific PND and it was a really difficult time for us all. I still struggle now.
But I’m absolutely racked with this feeling of guilt, that I should be giving him a sibling because my body is able.
He saw his cousins yesterday and loved playing with them (unfortunately they don’t live nearby and were just visiting). I felt a sadness that he won’t ever have that.
I don’t want him to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t think I can go through it all again.
I had a brother growing up and my DP had a brother and sister, so neither of us know what it’s like to be an only child.

My friend who is older than me (I’m 33) and who had IVF to have her daughter is really upset that she can’t give her a sibling and seems to wish she was in the position to choose like I am…I feel terribly guilty Sad

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Icebreaker99 · 27/12/2021 09:36

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair and why did she hate being an only? I know several only children who have told me that I "must have a second" , turns out that had pretty crap parents who were either not maternal, totally overprotective or expected them to fit in with their lives rather than creating a child centric family e.g. family holidays based on what great auntie Annie would enjoy rather than a child. Yes sweeping generalizations aren't helpful but there are usually much more complex reasons behind why someone is unhappy.

Endofdaysarehere · 27/12/2021 09:37

I have four and incredible mum guilt that my youngest won’t have a smaller sibling. He would make a great big brother.

Mum guilt gets you no matter what you do.

As others have said, there is no knowing if siblings get on in later life.

Mumoblue · 27/12/2021 09:40

I initially planned to have two, but circumstances means I’ll probably only have my son and I have no regrets about it. Me and his dad broke up and I have no desire for another relationship.

I kinda like it just being him and me. We’re a little team. He gets my full attention, and I can tell him he’s my favourite with no worries.

I’m one of six, so I did worry about him having no siblings, but he seems perfectly content. Maybe he’ll be a bit sad about it when he’s older, I don’t know.

RedRobyn2021 · 27/12/2021 09:53

Please don't feel guilty!

He will be fine, I promise you

I'm an only child and had a wonderful childhood, I'm very close to my mother as well.

One of my cousins (a boy) he is also an only child, 14, really close to his mum. Has lots of friends, plays sports, already knows what career he wants and is working towards it.

You have nothing to feel guilty for. Women have a second and feel guilty about that too! Sometimes it's like we cannot win

Caveofthewinds · 27/12/2021 09:56

We have one. It's great, awesome in fact.

Don't feel guilty, enjoy your life

avocadotofu · 27/12/2021 10:00

We have one by choice too - he's also 3 and I don't feel guilty at all. By having one we can give him all our attention and we can afford to do so much more for him.

Linering · 27/12/2021 10:08

Absolutely you should not feel guilty.

Happy and healthy mum is so much better for your wee one than having another and your mental and physical health and well-being plummeting! That wouldn’t be doing right by your wee one.

Mum guilt is very hard but keep telling yourself you deserve to be healthy and happy!

TurquoiseDragon · 27/12/2021 10:22

OP, having a second child to give the first a sibling doesn't always have the outcome people think it will. People think their kids will automatically love each other and play together, and forget that our kids have their own personalities and may not gel well.

My friend and her brother haven't spoken in over 25 years. They hate each other.

My own brother and I did not really play together as kids. We had our own friends and didn't really mingle.

And I know people who are only children, and it's a mixed bag of those who were happy, and a couple who weren't.

Don't have a child unless you really want one. Never have a child just because you think it will make someone else happy.

SpiderFluff · 27/12/2021 10:28

Can you explain how you are able to know that? the millions of only children on the planet.

Tal45 · 27/12/2021 10:33

Just because you have another doesn't mean they'll get on. I never liked my brother as a child and we barely communicate now. I wish I'd been an only child and my ds loves being an only child.

Having just one means you can do so much more with them and give them so much more of your time it means you'll also have more money to help them out with those expensive things like driving lessons as they get older. Also any inheritance you leave your child won't have to be split with siblings - I've seen the wars that can cause!

shiningstar2 · 27/12/2021 10:39

Having children is a choice these days. It's taken centuries to get there and still women are put under pressure or pressure themselves to comply with some perceived 'norm'. I am 69 and have one child which was quite unusual back in the day and at the time was put under quite a lot of pressure, especially by my mil, to have more children.
My choice was partly health, partly financial, partly simply my own choice. I was always good with children (eldest child in big family) and plenty of people were surprised by my choice and of course all choices have aspects of being freeing or a limitation.
Whatever you decide op, make sure it is your choice. Don't be influenced by other people's choices Own your choice. Once made, don't complain, don't explain.
Do I sometimes question my choice? Of course I do but on the whole it's worked well for us and as a choice is also a limitation you will probably question your choice whatever you choose to do. Best wishes 💐

Harpydragon · 27/12/2021 10:52

I'm mum to an only by choice. He's 17 now doing his a levels with a great group of friends. I've often questioned our decision over the years, but it was the right one for us, for some of the reasons you mentioned plus financial & time constraints.
You just have to make sure that you Foster friendships and clubs. DS is in the scouting movement and loves it, made some great friends and had great experiences.
I have seen many of my friends struggle with 2+ children and that was another factor for me, the dynamic between the 3 of us is just right and I didn't want to change it again. My MIL called me selfish for having just one. She might be right but selfish and bayou is way more preferable than unselfish and miserable.

Kudupoo · 27/12/2021 10:52

PND is not a trivial condition. If it unfortunately happens again I'm sure you would feel guilty for how that affected your children and the big life change that plus baby would mean for your eldest and family.
Of course it wouldn't be your fault at all but being an only child is no big deal for a child (I believe), but having a mum with PND and a family unit creaking under the pressure is (speaking from experience).
I would enjoy your child, your recovery from PND and turn stopping at one into a positive decision you've made to protect your child and family, not a source of guilt that you're denying them something (you absolutely haven't).

Skinnyankles · 27/12/2021 10:57

We will always feel guilty! If you had another child - your son would have a sibling that they may/or may not get on with. If you had another child you will definately have another child to worry and feel more guilt over....

I have 3 and still feel terrible still about my youngest. I had 3 children under 4. My youngest is screen obsessed and I think it's due to the time he spent on it as a young child due to all the car journeys/at older children's sport stuff watching my phone to keep him entertained/quiet.

Then he would sneak off with the family tablet, I would be cooking dinner, helping older children with homework and realise he had been on it for 2-3 hours 😭

He's 11 now and can't seem to entertain himself without a screen. It's completely my fault.

Also oldest daughter (age 15) tells me numerous times per week, how much she would love to be an only child. I have guilt about the 3 of them at all times. It's horrible.

As long as you do not put huge amounts of focus/expectation on him and have an open house attitude to his mates coming over. He sounds like he will absolutely be OK.

LyraVega · 27/12/2021 11:02

In my view no one is ever unreasonable for feeling how they feel, your feelings are always valid.

If you don't want another child then you are absolutely not unreasonable to stick with one.

I don't have any experience of being an only child as both me and DH have siblings but think of all the positives! All that time to focus on your existing DC without splitting your attention multiple ways, its cheaper to have one child than multiple so you'll have more disposable income, both of these give more opportunities to your existing DC.

Sure he had a great time playing with his cousins but he'll have friends at school and I'm sure he'll have a close relationship with you both. Also having a sibling is no guarantee of them getting along - I didn't get along with my sibling until i moved out of our parents house, and my DH has multiple siblings and none of them really get along very well as adults, they're all very different people.

runningfromtheoutlaws · 27/12/2021 11:04

Bit of a hobson’s choice though!

Rollmopsrule · 27/12/2021 11:07

Well look at it this way. You could have another just to provide a sibling and they don't get on - you'd feel guilty about that. There's always something to beat yourself up about as a parent. Enjoy your family - you know the reasons you don't want another and you've nothing to feel guilty about. Families come in all shapes and sizes.

KewMummy87 · 27/12/2021 11:12

I had a happy childhood as an only child but it’s teens and into adulthood that I feel I’ve missed so much. Im so grateful to have more than one child. They will always have each other (yes siblings sometimes don’t get on Etc but lots do). It brings me huge comfort to know that they have a lifelong relationship with one another - can be aunts/uncles to each others children, their children will have cousins etc. I didn’t have PND but a few of my friends did and it either didn’t happen second time around or they knew what to expect having faced it once before.

I have lots of friends who have only children not by choice. The friends I have who decided to stick at one - I never question them but I do feel sad for their children. They all have siblings they have happy relationship with and I wonder why they don’t want to give that to their child.

So this is just my pov. But I wish, wish, wish I’d had a sibling. You’re young op, so no rush. As I say, this is just my perspective as a child who was happy as an only child (but lonely sometimes) but feels the force of being alone now as an adult.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/12/2021 11:21

My only is 15 and very happy as an only. She’s an only due to my health. No regrets. It suits us well. Easier for many reasons. She’s not weird has lots of friends. Lots of children are not in 2 parent 2 kids set up eg her best friend is effectively an only as her siblings are a lot older and left home. We got a dog 5 years ago so he’s her brother!

youvegottenminuteslynn · 27/12/2021 11:28

@AllThatFancyPaintsAsFair

Absolutely right, I don't know if a sibling would have made her happier but somehow you know that the OP"s child will be fine. Can you explain how you are able to know that? What special power do you have that I don't?

I have the special power of being able to think critically and not be a dick by making a mum who doesn't actually want a second child due to previously having crippling PND second guess her decision and feel even shitter.

FateHasRedesignedMost · 27/12/2021 11:32

Neither you nor your friend are wrong. People decide to stop at one for all kinds of reasons, from a hard first pregnancy/labour/PND to financial reasons, space, amount of time, energy and attention they can give to the child, work commitments, choice. I have lots of friends with one child by choice and all the kids seem happy.

But I’d hold back mentioning you have the choice to your friend. The desire to provide your child with a sibling can be very intense, especially if you’ve grown up with siblings and have good adult friendships with them. Your friend may feel she’s failed at giving her child a play mate, or feel like everyone else has big families.

I had secondary infertility (now pregnant) and there was a time I was very jealous of people with 2 or more children, especially when they talked about loving sibling moments or their kids being companions. In reality the kids seemed to fight and squabble a lot, but I still desperately wanted to be pregnant again and have another baby, and give my son the experience of a sibling. If your friend’s set on that or going through more IVF she may be unable to see the positives of an only child just now.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 27/12/2021 11:36

I used to feel terrible l couldn't give dd a sibling - she is 10 now and loving life as an only!
Even if you had another, there is no guarantee they would get on and during lockdown as hard as it was, l was very pleased l didn't have to be referee as some of my friends with more than one had to be!
I used to really overturns it but the truth is, they don't know any different and in my dd's class, about a third of the kids are onlies so def more common.

2reefsin30knots · 27/12/2021 11:49

My DH is one of 5. One of his siblings chose to have no children and three (including us) have only one by choice. One has chosen to have two children but I think that was because his wife felt very strongly about it. I'm extrapolating that being part of a big family was not so great for them.

I don't think the idea that having siblings is unconditionally life enhancing is particularly well founded. I know at least as many adults who don't get on with their siblings as those who do.

PullingAtTeeth · 27/12/2021 11:51

Don’t feel guilty.
Embrace his friendships, offer plenty of play dates and he will be absolutely fine.
I have two boys, two years apart and they can’t stand each other. I often think both would be so much happier and less stressed as an only child.
They both get on brilliantly with their friends from
School etc.

Fairunibutterfly · 27/12/2021 11:54

I think you’ll feel guilt either way but also either way you can create a nice family life no matter what.

We had 2 because we always wanted 2 but I still felt guilty when youngest was a baby for not spending much time with her. We thought she was ok but when dd1 grew a bit older (5/6) she really felt we loved dd2 more than her. We didn’t and we did lots for her but she didn’t feel that way so we had to invest more time in making sure she felt important in the family and we still do. She does love her sister but they also fight a lot so it goes both ways!

Do what’s right for your family. Whatever you decide, come to peace with it, even if it’s, “we’ll reassess in a year”. I don’t think there’s any right option when it comes to families in terms of how many, what kind of age gap so do what is right for your family.

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