Page 4 | Feeling guilty about deciding to have one child

Daisiebell · 2021-12-27T07:29:44+00:00

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and me and DP have decided not to have any more. I had horrific PND and it was a really difficult time for us all. I still struggle now. But I’m absolutely racked with this feeling of guilt, that I should be giving him a sibling because my body is able. He saw his cousins yesterday and loved playing with them (unfortunately they don’t live nearby and were just visiting). I felt a sadness that he won’t ever have that. I don’t want him to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t think I can go through it all again. I had a brother growing up and my DP had a brother and sister, so neither of us know what it’s like to be an only child. My friend who is older than me (I’m 33) and who had IVF to have her daughter is really upset that she can’t give her a sibling and seems to wish she was in the position to choose like I am…I feel terribly guilty [sad] AIBU to feel like this?

Chikapu · 28/12/2021 06:12

I would feel guilty too sad everyone should give children a sibling if you can, otherwise it’s a bit selfish

Exactly how is it selfish?

Icebreaker99 · 28/12/2021 06:23

Some absolutely disgusting comments on here about how people had another child to give their existing child the "experience of sibling" like it's a bloody gap year and not a living breathing person who has to make their own way in this world from birth to death. If the OP came on and said I want to get a dog for my child so they have the experience of growing up with a dog so many posters would be saying how much hard work it was, how expensive, how time consuming but when it comes to a human it's considered selfish and cruel not to have another so your child has a sibiling?!

Elisemum · 28/12/2021 07:27

@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia yes it is selfish. Children grow better with a sibling, they have better, more fun childhood, they have each other as friends, they play with each other and have someone else to relay on in life when parents are gone:(. Its obvious and the truth. It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.
Whether you want to have one or more- up to each individual but having only one child (when you could have 2) is selfish as parents obviously chose their own well being first ahead of their child… I’m the only child and I had amazing childhood but always wished I had a sibling. I cannot wait to see my 2 boys being best friends and doing everything together, standing up for each other and go together through life! That’s what’s life is about

Chikapu · 28/12/2021 07:34

[quote Elisemum]@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia yes it is selfish. Children grow better with a sibling, they have better, more fun childhood, they have each other as friends, they play with each other and have someone else to relay on in life when parents are gone:(. Its obvious and the truth. It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.
Whether you want to have one or more- up to each individual but having only one child (when you could have 2) is selfish as parents obviously chose their own well being first ahead of their child… I’m the only child and I had amazing childhood but always wished I had a sibling. I cannot wait to see my 2 boys being best friends and doing everything together, standing up for each other and go together through life! That’s what’s life is about[/quote]
What a load of idealised crap. You have no idea what kind of relationship your sons will have later in life.
Being an only child didn't harm you, by your own admission your childhood was amazing so what are you even talking about?

Icebreaker99 · 28/12/2021 07:41

It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.

Evidence please? You obviously had something missing in your childhood apart from a sibiling as so many onlies are perfectly happy.

FakeFruitShoot · 28/12/2021 07:41

I guess your child was about 1 when covid hit? So the lack of social contact with other kids is perhaps a factor that's weighing on you? Do you have close friends with kids who you can go on holiday with occasionally? I just think her first three years have not been representative of reality... in non lockdown times she (and you) can be surrounded by other children if that's what you want.

My only other point would be - do you really feel guilty for your child or is this the beginnings of you yourself changing your mind and wanting another? I imagine with such severe PND (and then in lockdown survival mode) the conversation was off the table completely before... you are allowed to change your mind and can broach the subject with DH if you think this is or could be the case.

Elisemum · 28/12/2021 07:41

@Chikapu well I’m hoping they will have great relationship becouse as their mother I’m going to do my best and teach them that. The toddler already loves the baby so much- it’s priceless❤️ I’m trying to be the best mom I can and I know they will be best buddies for life. Yes my childhood was amazing but I said I wish I had a sibling! Even now as an adult would be lovely to have a sibling and a bigger family .

GoodnightGrandma · 28/12/2021 07:43

I’m an only child and I’m quite happy.
I see siblings who fight and hate each other, I don’t need that in my life.

ViceLikeBlip · 28/12/2021 07:46

I saw an interesting news article on the BBC last week (but now I can't find it again!) about the population crash in China. And they interviewed a few couples who were single children themselves (part of the one-child policy) and who had no interest in having more than one child themselves (even though the policy has now been relaxed). They basically said it was too stressful and too expensive to have more than one.

And it made me wonder whether the expectation to provide a sibling is mostly idealised cultural pressure?

ViceLikeBlip · 28/12/2021 07:48

@Icebreaker99

Some absolutely disgusting comments on here about how people had another child to give their existing child the "experience of sibling" like it's a bloody gap year and not a living breathing person who has to make their own way in this world from birth to death. If the OP came on and said I want to get a dog for my child so they have the experience of growing up with a dog so many posters would be saying how much hard work it was, how expensive, how time consuming but when it comes to a human it's considered selfish and cruel not to have another so your child has a sibiling?!

Good point about the dog!! Fuck it, even a PONY would be cheaper than a sibling 🤷‍♀️

Icebreaker99 · 28/12/2021 07:53

I know they will be best buddies for life.

You can't know that and to be honest the pressure you seem to be putting on them to be best buddies may massively back fire. Yeah its lovely your toddler loves the baby, wait until they grow and start fighting about every inane thing, maybe they won't and you will be lucky, but sounds like you idealized having a sibling growing up and are now trying to live out the fantasy.

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/12/2021 07:55

[quote Elisemum]@Chikapu well I’m hoping they will have great relationship becouse as their mother I’m going to do my best and teach them that. The toddler already loves the baby so much- it’s priceless❤️ I’m trying to be the best mom I can and I know they will be best buddies for life. Yes my childhood was amazing but I said I wish I had a sibling! Even now as an adult would be lovely to have a sibling and a bigger family .[/quote]
How on Earth can you possibly know they will be “best buddies for life”? Have you a crystal ball? Loads of people grow up hating their siblings - my mom for example. I don’t hate mine, but we are certainly not “best buddies for life”.

When you think about the impact on the planet (which we all should) having any children at all is incredibly selfish - having two is double selfish. And so on,

I’m not judging anyone as I have a child myself - I just wouldn’t for a second pretend it was a selfless thing to do.

She is an only child. Which was my decision not, actually, for ethical reasons but for personal preference and to enable myself to give her a better childhood. And it worked - if anybody asks her now she is very clear that she would not have wanted a sibling on any level. And she is probably the happiest person I know!

ivykaty44 · 28/12/2021 07:55

You don’t ever have a baby to give another relationship to someone else (unless it’s surrogacy, which is a different concept)

Having a baby for your son wouldn’t be the right thing to do

Enjoy your ds and if you want him to have company, then invite his friends round. You decide what type of household he grows up in and if that means open house for mates and them being welcome - then you engineer that situation

Ragwort · 28/12/2021 08:04

Having children, whether one or more is a totally selfish decision anyway, no one has a child with the view that they are only doing so to produce future tax payers for the economy .

We have an only child, never felt 'guilty' for one second, he is 21 now with a huge circle of friends, gets on really well with all sorts of different people, is confident and outgoing. Of course, he might have been exactly the same if he had a sibling - we will never know.

My DM (89) is an only DC she has a huge circle of friends as well, although recently widowed she is confident and sociable, never sits alone moaning about her life or health, she gets out and about ... maybe because she never had to 'rely' on siblings she has always known how to meet people and make friends .

EmmasMum12 · 28/12/2021 08:04

No need to feel guilty. Make sure your child has plenty of playdates and friends and give DC lots of your time and attention

Sorted

user14943608381 · 28/12/2021 08:06

Well you’re not being unreasonable for feeling guilty, mum guilt- it’s a bitch, and a bit of a damned if you do damned if you dont (i just had my second and I feel super guilty that my first didn’t get enough one on one time with us) But should you feel guilty- heck no, no need to feel one gram of guilt. There are many many happy singletons and many of unhappy kids with siblings. Just having a sibling doesn’t mean you’ll get on with them as children or as adults. For instance my brother is trash, would much rather be an only child x

bookworm14 · 28/12/2021 08:06

The problem with the ‘oh, you must give your child a sibling, it’s so selfish to leave them all alone’ crowd is that the logical extension of their position is that women are required to give birth to children they don’t want. Before having my DD I was desperate for a baby and could hardly bear to be around other people’s, the need for my own was so great. Since having her six years ago I haven’t felt another twinge of broodiness. So if I were to have another I would be creating an unwanted child solely in order to ‘give’ my existing DD a sibling, the benefits of which are contested anyway. People say you never regret your kids, but a cursory glance at mumsnet shows that isn’t true, and in any case it isn’t a gamble I want to take.

Imagine if those of you happy with two kids were constantly being told, both by people in your life and by wider society, that you must have another child, that it’s unfair and selfish only to have two, and that you aren’t a ‘proper’ family unless you have three kids, even if you have absolutely no desire to have another one. You would think everyone was insane, right? Well, that’s how us happy parents of single children feel.

Salahdor · 28/12/2021 08:20

Mum of one. I personally really dislike the phrase “only child”. People use it to describe our son and ask me if I think he’ll miss out etc. it’s socially acceptable for people to say this but I find it really rude. “Only child” suggests not enough! Like “I’ve only got one pound in my purse” or “I’ve only got two days off at Christmas”. I try to avoid the word! I have a child who is amazing - will I have more - no! People ask do I worry he’ll be spoilt etc. personally I think the only thing he is likely to struggle more with is conflict resolution but lots of contact with other kids will help this. Think all the negative associations that go with having one child probably date back to when there was high childhood death rates and having successors was critical in terms of having someone to look after you on later life.

SilverPeacock · 28/12/2021 08:33

Any research I have seen suggests that onlies are indistinguishable from first borns in terms of happiness, personality, life outcomes etc. It makes no difference.

I had similar to you OP. Terrible guilt. It will fade but it is very painful and I feel for you.

Uniforn · 28/12/2021 08:36

I hate my sibling, he's been a destructive force in my life since I was a young child and I despise him. Therefore I don't feel one shred of guilt for just having one child, it works for us as a family and financially and time wise we are more comfortable than if we had more. He is really social and has plenty of family the same age and friends, so not worried about the social aspect.

moomin11 · 28/12/2021 08:40

YANBU for how you feel, I felt guilty at times too but it did pass. My DD is 7 now and we're happy as we are. I've found there still seems to be some kind of expectation for people to have 2 children and I still find the questions/comments about having 'just 1' annoying. And my sibling and I fought like cat and dog growing up, we're briefly friends as teenagers but have been distant for the last 20yrs. So there's no guarantee having a sibling will add anything to your child's life.

Dozer · 28/12/2021 08:42

I sometimes have ‘mum guilt’ over having DC2! DC1 and DC2 get on well on the whole but I find sibling rivalry difficult.

Sibling relationships can be a lottery!

Not at all U to consider your mental health. I have a MH issue, not PND, and the sleep deprivation and other aspects of having small babies and DC didn’t help at all. Also had negative impact on me with respect to relationships and at work. Took me years to recover.

moomin11 · 28/12/2021 08:47

[quote Elisemum]@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia yes it is selfish. Children grow better with a sibling, they have better, more fun childhood, they have each other as friends, they play with each other and have someone else to relay on in life when parents are gone:(. Its obvious and the truth. It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.
Whether you want to have one or more- up to each individual but having only one child (when you could have 2) is selfish as parents obviously chose their own well being first ahead of their child… I’m the only child and I had amazing childhood but always wished I had a sibling. I cannot wait to see my 2 boys being best friends and doing everything together, standing up for each other and go together through life! That’s what’s life is about[/quote]
Sorry but you're making massive assumptions there. Me and my sibling lost a parent as young adults and he was no help at all, in fact he made the situation harder than it was. My sibling also does sod all for my other parent and I guarantee you when the time comes that they need help and support it will all fall to me.

Fireandflames666 · 28/12/2021 08:52

I only wanted one child but i eas pressured and guilt tripped by exs family, with them saying I was being selfish. I gave in eventually.

I love both my kids but being pressured was wrong.

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 08:57

@Elisemum

You may have “given” your child a sibling

But both of them face a huge obstacle in life. A narrow minded, judgemental and frankly a bit thick mother