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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Feeling guilty about deciding to have one child

140 replies

Daisiebell · 27/12/2021 07:29

I’ve got a 3 year old DS and me and DP have decided not to have any more.
I had horrific PND and it was a really difficult time for us all. I still struggle now.
But I’m absolutely racked with this feeling of guilt, that I should be giving him a sibling because my body is able.
He saw his cousins yesterday and loved playing with them (unfortunately they don’t live nearby and were just visiting). I felt a sadness that he won’t ever have that.
I don’t want him to be lonely, but at the same time I don’t think I can go through it all again.
I had a brother growing up and my DP had a brother and sister, so neither of us know what it’s like to be an only child.

My friend who is older than me (I’m 33) and who had IVF to have her daughter is really upset that she can’t give her a sibling and seems to wish she was in the position to choose like I am…I feel terribly guilty Sad

AIBU to feel like this?

OP posts:
Dmsandfloatydress · 28/12/2021 10:35

I have an only and he is a happy, confident little chap. I had two brothers growing up. It was a nightmare. I loathed the one closest to me in age on sight. We had nothing in common as children or adults. The second brother is now the bane of my existence. He failed to launch and is a drug addict. Lord I wish I was an only child. I am envious of my child's peaceful and prosperous life. No chance I'm having another to potentially ruin his fun!

Ibane · 28/12/2021 10:40

[quote Elisemum]@Lovelydiscusfish yes always dreamt about having 2 kids and that’s why I had two.
I do know a couple who had a child and we’re going through divorce and actually hated each other at that stage but “made” another baby. The woman told me they only did it to give their child a sibling becouse they hope never to see each other again so the child is not lonely. So look, there are different people out there with different motivations.[/quote]
I think you have a deeply skewed attitude to having children if you’re suggesting that a divorcing couple who actively hated one another and hoped never to see one another again deliberately having a second child to give their first a sibling is anything other than a stupid , perverse and wrong-headed decision.

Can you imagine discovering later on that you were conceived out of hatred as a sort of ‘service child’ to your older sibling, and that your divorcing, mutually-loathing parents gritted their teeth and had grudging sex they didn’t want to make you, purely so as not to have an only child?

oftenbaffled · 28/12/2021 11:41

@Ibane

The irony is @Elisemum started a thread recently about her abusive DH and how unhappy she was and wanting to leave him. She was 8 months pregnant. With her second

bookworm14 · 28/12/2021 11:49

Can you imagine discovering later on that you were conceived out of hatred as a sort of ‘service child’ to your older sibling, and that your divorcing, mutually-loathing parents gritted their teeth and had grudging sex they didn’t want to make you, purely so as not to have an only child?

This. What a bizarre idea it is that having an only child is so odd, so uniquely selfish and cruel, that literally anything is preferable, even having a child you don’t want with a man you don’t love.

Ibane · 28/12/2021 12:25

[quote oftenbaffled]@Ibane

The irony is @Elisemum started a thread recently about her abusive DH and how unhappy she was and wanting to leave him. She was 8 months pregnant. With her second[/quote]
Ah. Things are clearer.

Lovelydiscusfish · 28/12/2021 13:49

[quote oftenbaffled]@Ibane

The irony is @Elisemum started a thread recently about her abusive DH and how unhappy she was and wanting to leave him. She was 8 months pregnant. With her second[/quote]
OK that does make sense.

Look, we’ve all done stupid things. Well, maybe not everyone but I certainly have. In no way would I claim that all my life choices were selfless or sensible. So I’m not about to judge anyone else either. I think the important thing is that OP knows that she is not doing anything remotely wrong or bad.

In fact, I just asked my nine year old DD if she ever once wished she had a sibling, and she pissed herself laughing at me! She LOVES being an only child. And isn’t remotely spoiled - I know she is mine so I am biased, but she really is one of the kindest, least materialistic people I know.

BiscuitLover3678 · 28/12/2021 13:52

I know loads of only children and in this day and age it’s more common. There are actually loads of benefits. Think about those. :)

ExPatHereForAChat · 28/12/2021 13:53

It's ironic, I'm currently pregnant with number 2 and worrying it will take away time from number 1 and that I'll have less time to focus on them.
Us mums can never win.

bakebeans · 28/12/2021 15:40

I had PND with my first child. She didn’t take to breast feeding as she used me as a comforter, weaning and potty training was a nightmare and until the age of 4 didn’t sleep at all very well.
However like you I didn’t want her to be an only child so we tried again and my with my second it was much easier, she slept very well, weaning and potty training was easier too.
Not all pregnancies and babies are the same. Things may be different next time but go with your gut

pollypokcet · 28/12/2021 16:56

@Ragwort

Having children, whether one or more is a totally selfish decision anyway, no one has a child with the view that they are only doing so to produce future tax payers for the economy Hmm.

We have an only child, never felt 'guilty' for one second, he is 21 now with a huge circle of friends, gets on really well with all sorts of different people, is confident and outgoing. Of course, he might have been exactly the same if he had a sibling - we will never know.

My DM (89) is an only DC she has a huge circle of friends as well, although recently widowed she is confident and sociable, never sits alone moaning about her life or health, she gets out and about ... maybe because she never had to 'rely' on siblings she has always known how to meet people and make friends Confused.

I get your pint but you're putting a lot of emphasis on how many friends people have. Kids/people can have a few friends or be mote introverted and still be happy and well rounded. Equally nothing wrong with having closer relationships with siblings rather than friends, in fact I'd say that's the ideal scenario (because you're family and have the same life experiences)

OvertiredOverthinker · 28/12/2021 16:59

[quote Elisemum]@WithANameLikeDaniCalifornia yes it is selfish. Children grow better with a sibling, they have better, more fun childhood, they have each other as friends, they play with each other and have someone else to relay on in life when parents are gone:(. Its obvious and the truth. It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven.
Whether you want to have one or more- up to each individual but having only one child (when you could have 2) is selfish as parents obviously chose their own well being first ahead of their child… I’m the only child and I had amazing childhood but always wished I had a sibling. I cannot wait to see my 2 boys being best friends and doing everything together, standing up for each other and go together through life! That’s what’s life is about[/quote]
@Elisemum Just wanted to ask if you have ever considered that when a parent chooses to have one child for the sake of their own well-being they are doing this also for the benefit of their child (and their partner)? Happy parent = happy child, and all that? I have a 9 month old DD who is my world and I am seriously doubting whether I should have another. This is because I struggle with my mental health (anxiety, OCD, depression and, I suspect, executive dysfunction) which makes parenting just one child (even one who sleeps and feeds well, and has no health issues) very challenging. Despite my issues, I give my all to looking after my DD and I feel like I have a better shot at being a decent mother if I stop with her. I feel I could become one very stressed out, frazzled and shouty mother to two or more, which would be no good thing for those children or for my lovely DH. I actually feel that having another would be a selfish move on my part, something done only to conform to the popular view that two children makes a ‘proper family’ Hmm

I’m not an only child - I have a younger brother and a younger sister. I love them both, but once we reached the teen years we grew further and further apart. We have nothing in common and we don’t enhance one another’s lives. I think because there were three of us, it was very much expected that we spend all our time out of school playing with one another and entertaining ourselves, and my parents only had so much time and attention they could give to each of us. I can’t remember doing much in the way of extra curricular activities or having much encouragement to pursue my interests. As a teen and adult, I have struggled with my mental health and also in forming any lasting friendships and have felt very lonely as a result. So no, having siblings does not automatically mean your life will be better. I know of only children who seem far happier and are more well-adjusted than myself.

As previous posters have pointed out, you have no idea what sort of relationship your boys will have as they grow. Hopefully they will be close but it is naive to assume they will be. Just read the many threads on here about siblings who have fallen out and hate one another!

Hopefully that’s given you some food for thought. The OP has every right to stick with one child if she feels that is best for her family. There is nothing selfish about it whatsoever.

Starcaller · 28/12/2021 17:00

Welcome to being a parent, where guilt hounds you at every turn!

I was a very happy only and still am. We dithered about a second and finally decided to go for it and now I'm pregnant and riddled with guilt about how my DD's life might change. You can't win.

Children need to be loved and kept safe, whether you have one or ten. They need time spent on them, respect, and support.

Siblings don't always get on, and every child is an individual, so there is no rule or absolute statement that one way is better than the other because it's impossible. All we can do is what makes us good, happy, supportive parents, and if that is sticking with one then that is absolutely the right choice.

Highfivemum · 28/12/2021 17:24

Don’t feel guilty. It is best for you and ur family. Whether you choose to have one DC or 10 . It is your choice and only you and DH can decide. It sounds like you have had a rough time so it sounds best not to possibly subject yourself to it again. Treat you DC with all the love you can and don’t try and over compensate for them not having a sibling. It is not always the best thing.

JuergenSchwarzwald · 28/12/2021 18:47

Children grow better with a sibling, they have better, more fun childhood, they have each other as friends, they play with each other and have someone else to relay on in life when parents are gonesad. Its obvious and the truth. It’s not negotiable really and it’s been proven

has it?

anyway there is also the risk of dying in childbirth with the second and leaving your first (and potentially the second, if it survives) motherless, or the second child could have disabilities, which is hardly fair on the first

as for relying on a sibling, I suspect there are many people on here who wouldn't!

psydrive · 28/12/2021 18:54

[quote oftenbaffled]**@Elisemum

You may have “given” your child a sibling

But both of them face a huge obstacle in life. A narrow minded, judgemental and frankly a bit thick mother[/quote]
Exactly.

With a mum like you @Elisemum, sounds like your children will need each other.

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