feeling like I hate my baby

[Whitemousepinkears]

I don’t but I hate never sleeping and I feel so angry.

Sorry if it's already been mentioned but given that he sleeps in the daytime but not at nighttime, could he be scared of the dark? When my son did this I tried everything before then trying a night light, quite a strong one, and it worked straight away. Sorry if you've already tried this but I am trying to think why a child would sleep daytime but not night time.

You have my sympathy. My dd was like that. Tried all the different techniques but dd was having none of it. Cry it out sort of worked - I know that controversial but when you've had no sleep yourself you get desperate. She just gradually got better as she got older. Hang on in there. Do get a sleep consultant if you want to. Good luck.

Hi Whitemousepinkears,

We're so sorry you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting lots of good advice and support on this thread but we just wanted to add a few more links to organisations which may be able to give you some support in real life.

As your baby is still fairly young and you may well be experiencing postnatal depression, so we'd urge you to take a look at an organisation called PANDAS Foundation which was set up to support families through PND & AND. Their webpage is here and they have a free helpline, available Monday – Sunday 11am-10pm - 0808 1961 776. Please take a look at their website and consider giving them a call - we know they've helped many Mumsnetters in the past.

We'd also urge you to take a look at the cry-sis website. Cry-sis is a charity set up to provide support for parents with crying and sleepless babies. Their helpline number is 08451 228 669 and their lines are open 7 days a week, 9am-10pm.

Sending good wishes from all at MNHQ. We really hope things start to get a bit easier for you soon.

1. get some serious ear plugs.
2. night on night off with your DH. Is there anywhere in your home you can escape the noise if you wear ear plugs? Downstairs?
3. sleep train. If your DH is a barrier, can you get rid of him for 3 nights? Suggest a lads weekend etc? At age 1 if you really stick to it consistently you should see a massive improvement after 3 nights but night 1 (and maybe 2) will involve a lot of crying however you do it.

Solidarity OP. When they scream like that it's just fucking wearing.

@Whitemousepinkears

I really want to look into a sleep consultant but DH thinks it’s a waste of money. It’s causing arguments and resentment.

Getting your sleep and sanity back will 100% be worth it, I know one that's helped friends that's only £50. It's life changing going to bed knowing you can sleep soundly that night. I had the worst sleeper ever and I didn't think it would work it literally just took a few days.

God OP babies are a mystery, this is hard I'm sorry

I saw someone suggest a morning nap, I think that's a good idea

My DD is almost 11 months and wakes

6:30am
Nap 9am-10:30am
Nap 2pm-3pm
Bed 7pm

Obviously give it take half an hour

We do co-sleep actually and have done from 5 months when I couldn't take it anymore, she sleeps pretty much under my armpit. We have tougher times sometimes where she struggles to sleep in the night and sometimes weeks of sleep and it's good.

I used to get so mad at the world and myself because I couldn't think straight and there's so much conflicting advice about sleep. I following Lyndsey Hookway on Instagram and she has really helped me.

I hope you're ok. You will get through this and things will get better.

@Whitemousepinkears

DS was a refluxy baby. It stopped around 5 months but he was still unable to have a big feed. It’s hard

Just gone down for a nap in his cot like a little lamb. I wish I understood why he doesn’t at night.

Do you have a night light and leave the door open. Mine used to like the door open so she could hear us downstairs

Hi op, totally understand your desperation.
We had a reflux clingy baby that woke every night
. We did co sleeping but it just kept me half awake.all the time. In the end we did the below.
At teatime I would go.and rest and sleep till 9pm. It was after then dh got sleep as he was at work next day and I.battled thro the night.dc had cot with open side next to bed shoved right up so.no gap.
This resolved when dc was 2.
So.i basically had to shift.my day around sleep as above to survive. We consulted a chiropractor and a homoepath. Dc then started to.sleep.thro.. I wull.never know to.this day if it was age/ development related( very light baby with full on colic, reflux,velgro.baby, never wanted to be put down)..
Or it was one of the treatments.
I really hope it resolves for you. Never heard of sleep.consultant, but id try anything.. sleep is the holy grail and impacts on so many things.

I've read all your posts OP but haven't worked out how much your DH is doing on a regular basis. Does he know you aren't coping? Because if he does, he is being unreasonable about the sleep consultant. I have a bad sleeper as well and have put my foot down and booked a sleep consultant, even though my partner is against it. I don't see why I should struggle on (because I can't sleep even if my partner does all night every night, seeing as we don't live in a mansion and I would hear the baby yelling anyway).

Apart from the cough, does your DS have trouble breathing through his nose at night? Does he snore?

Been through this nothing works I was constantly fatigued and angry he finally started sleeping through aged 5. I probably would have went for a sleep consultant but at the time I could barely string a sentence together with the lack of sleep. One doctor told me to give him hayfever medicine to let him sleep it worked the opposite plus he had night terrors (not from the piriton)

Mine screamed all night from 2 weeks old

Op there is lots to try. looking at your routine, he’s napping too early.

You should try and get him down 5 hours after he wakes in the morning and never let him nap longer than 2.5. I started doing one nap at this age. It sounds as though he is overtired so isnt sleeping well.

OP, have you got friends or family you could stay with for a night and leave baby with DH? I understand what you mean about this not being a long term solution to the problem. It isn’t. Your kid will still be a shit sleeper when you get home the next day. But it will help with your current state of mind if you get even one night of unbroken sleep. You’re not coping today and you know it. You might not be able to solve the sleep problem today but you may be able to improve how you feel about it all next week. Think of it as a temporary reset for your mental health.
Your kid will get better at sleeping. Mine took 20months to start sleeping through. We did a lot of cosleeping because it worked well at the time. 6 months later he sleeps through in his own bed in his own room and cosleeping makes things worse on the odd night he wake up so we avoid it.
Try all the things, and keep going with the ones that work for you and your family.

Oh love. I feel you.

My youngest has been a terrible sleeper. I didn't sleep in more than tiny snatches for over two years. If she had been the first baby then there wouldn't have been any others to be perfectly honest. Now she's almost three and I bedshare with her, on a giant floor bed. She still wakes in the night but because I'm there she rolls over and goes back to sleep (most of the time anyway) but I still get disturbed by her multiple times a night so I'm still pretty tired most of the time. She's always liked to sleep on/close to me and still does now. BUT it is definitely better than it was from 0-2 years when I was up 8+ times a night with her every bloody night and thought I might die. Now I lie down all night and sleep in relatively decent chunks.

Everyone told me that she'd be better when she was night weaned (she wasn't), she'd be better if I got her in the in her own room cot (she wasn't), that Ferber would work if nothing else did (it didn't)... Ferber was a last resort (just before her first birthday) and in hindsight I hate that I did it (well DH did it because I couldn't). We did it for over a bloody month and while it initially seemed like it was working she never stopped crying at bedtime and when she woke in the night. And then she started crying longer and longer at bedtime and when she woke too. In the end she got a chest infection, which was what put a stop to it because I couldn't face letting a poorly baby cry herself to sleep. I have an unending sense of guilt that I put her through that.

We've got white noise, no white/blue light in the room at all, total blackout blind... she's been seen by HV, doctor, osteopath... there's nothing wrong with her, no reflux, no milk allergy... no reason for it except it's just how she is. She's totally different to my son who slept through (on and off not every night and we had plenty of rough patches) from 3 months old and worked out self-settling by himself with no tears. A bad night for him (once he wasn't a newborn) was maybe up three times. If I hadn't had him first I would have blamed myself, but I did nothing different with Number Two. She was just a different personality.

I'm getting close to seeing the light at the end of the tunnel gradually, but it's been horrible and I've been so angry too. And said things in the darkness that I regret so much.

I really hope that you can find an answer that works for you.

Sleep training!

Just remembered but a lot changed with ours when we took the dummy away. I think he had been losing it in the night and then crying. We took it away and he slept much more.

I would do CIO or get a sleep consultant if you can. I know it's been said above but just adding my voice.

My sisters baby wouldn't sleep apart from on her and slept terribly too and she did sleep training (leave them to cry in their cot, going in every three mins to shush them then leave again) and it was like an overnight switch, she puts her in the cot and leaves and she just settles herself for naps and bedtime sleep, sleeping through. Now I'm the one with the terrible sleeper but I keep fucking up attempts to sleep train by being soft. Fortunately my sons sleep is manageable though which is probably why I keep fucking up.

Sleep training isn't going to fuck him up, I would pick one method and stick at it for a good few days. Everyone will be better off if it cracks the sleep issue the cost/benefit of potentially damaging your son with sleep training vs you all being unhappy and not enjoying time with your son as much as you want to is one that I would readily accept in your position.

Just searched our chat and the online sleep course she used wasbJust Chill Baby Sleep. Tbh though I used her log in to read the course at the time and from what I remember whilst it's a helpful insight in to child sleep it basically says put them in their cot awake in the dark, ignore them for 3 min then do three shushes then ignore for 3 min, 3 shushes, 3 min ignore and so on. The ignore bit can be done by sitting by the cot or going out the room. She went out the room because that is what worked best with hers.

It's pretty normal, I think, for babies to struggle to get themselves to sleep without a parent there but they do need to learn this skill. We did the leave to cry for 5 minutes, go in, say 'It's sleep time' calmly without making eye contact and leave, then repeat... I remember watching the clock as leaving for those 5 minutes was so difficult. I also remember having inane conversations outside their doors so that they could hear that we were there and not abandoned but we were not in the room with them. It took a few weeks but they both learned and slept well in the end. Sleep deprivation is a recognised form of mental torture, and if you are working as well, it's not surprising that you feel this way. You must be totally exhausted and do need some support. Sending sympathy over the web!

Your post resonates with me OP. I have four DC. Each of them took close to two years each to self settle.

I started lying next to the cot beside them holding their hand through the cot. If need be, take a blanket in with you to lie beside the cot. They need to learn to settle in their own beds/cots. If you are beside them, they can sense your presence. It will help them to settle.

I felt resentment too, as if they were doing it on purpose but the more children I had, the more I realised that it was due to them seeking comfort and it was okay. You are their world. I know that doesn't help when you are in the thick of it.

My eldest is almost 15 and sleeps well into midday. Your time will come. Keep going, we are all trying our best to help you right now 💐

I know how hard it is when people are giving you suggestions that don't work for you or you see or hear about other babies sleeping all night and u think whats wrong with him. You start counting the weeks and months that you haven't been able to sleep properly or do anything u wanted and u feel like he's ruining ur life. You feel angry the sec he starts crying coz ur so tired already and got no energy. People usually suggest about seeing a doctor about post natal depression or therapy etc which I'm not saying that you shouldn't but in my personal experience nothing worked till I changed my mentality. Until I told myself this is my baby he deserves the best from me even if I'm knackered I need to treat him right. When I felt like I was getting angry I reminded myself shouting at the baby doesn't resolve anything. If I lose my temper act ratty with him, its a downward spiral he'd cry more and won't sleep for longer. I'd pick a toy to show him, put summin on my phone even at 3 in the morning, make silly noises, sing just to distract myself from getting angry. Reminded myself he belongs to me he's my most important and precious thing and I need to give all my love and protect him from my own anger. Even if I can never sleep, eat or do anything I want like before.

This may sound like a lecture but just remember that this is a phase. Even though its been going on from a long time and may feel like its never gonna end it will! There's no time frame but he's not always gonna ne sleeping in ur lap and keep u up all night. Hes still very young, very vulnerable and totally relies on you. There's nothing more personal than a mother/baby relationship, he's a part of u.

It is very hard but you need to find the strength and will power within urself. Please please don't leave him on his own to cry (unless u feel like u might hurt him in anger) or shout at him as u will feel horrible horrible about it in the future even if it seems justified doing it right now.

Its gonna sound silly but just imagine u are him ur the baby and u have no idea that ur parents r exhausted u just want ur mum u want that comfort from ur parents. Imagine how horrible and scared ud feel if just left to cry on ur own. I know sometimes u feel helpless but please try and don't be ratty with ur baby.

Get ur husband to help as much as possible even if it means u go out of the room and make urself a cup of tea whilst he holds the baby. Whenever u feel like ur getting angry just look at his face, sometimes u feel more angry seeing them cry. But focus on how he trusts u, how his eyes light up when he thinks that u gonna pick him and falls asleep on u and the disappointment and worry on the face as u walk away from him. Its not easy especially when the baby is getting older and heavier but if they keep crying in 1 position, doing a little walk from even 1 room to another calms them. Course u cant keep doing it but put something on ur phone like cocomelon or some lullaby to soothe him. The more stressed u get baby picks it up in ur mannerism and cries more coz they scared. If u hold back ur anger and remain calm they stop crying sooner and it becomes possible that u can sleep bit more.

Also when u think u might hate him or why did u even have him just think that ur baby loves u more than any1 else does. They don't care what u look like, what u wearing, what u smell like, they want u and trust u so focus on those things. I'm sure u will get through this.

As a first time new mother I totally understand sleep deprivation. My LO hated the cot, I tried 3 different ones! only sleeps when I hold them then in bed with me.

I've always hated the idea of leaving babies that small alone in a cot in a separate room. In first year of life they have a lot going on like reflux, colic, wind, adjusting to feeds, teething which is so painful. Their little bodies still adjusting to the new world they need comfort from parents not strict sleep rules. Yes parents need sleep and rest too but being parents isn't easy 1st years r hard. They settle later on. Theres nothing wrong with co sleeping if ur sensible. It helps them get a good sleep.

I dont like sleep techniques like leave them to cry for 5 minutes etc yes u cant always run to ur baby soon as they cry but instead of looking at the clock and let them cry why not cuddle them to help to sleep. To get ear plugs to avoid babys cries is a rotten thing to do. It's harder to wake up for work with hardly no sleep but if u chose to bring a baby in the world they have needs. Why go through hardships of pregnancy and labour to then resent the same baby.

It’s very sweet that people are imagining he cries for me. He doesn’t. He can be right next to me in bed and will scream. I’ve been up with him two hours now and if I move, he screams. Tiny helpless baby my arse! I wish I’d never bought into that attachment crap. If I had my time again I’d Gina ford all the way.

You're very tired, its never easy to look after a baby in the night but you will be proud of urself 1 day when u look back at all this hard work. Its honestly an accomplishment. Just don't give up it will get better.

Have you tried painkillers like baby ibuprofen?