feeling like I hate my baby

[Whitemousepinkears]

I don’t but I hate never sleeping and I feel so angry.

I feel for you I honestly do. My son up until recently went through a stage where he was up every 20-40 mins non stop for weeks. I'm not 100% convinced it's fully disappeared and is likely to begin again.
Sleep deprivation is the worst. I was shattered all the time. It is extremely difficult but will not last forever xxx

Some kids really are poor sleepers, but ultimately they do improve, or at least if they don't sleep they can manage it themselves.

Could you go away for a weekend and leave your dh with the baby? Just two nights of full sleep might make you feel a lot better.

I’d give anything for a night nanny. I honestly have an ongoing fantasy where I win the lottery and hire one. I hate hate hate night times. Fine in the day.

Could U try one just once a week at a push if it means getting some sleep? Some aren't as expensive as others

now I’m too exhausted and don’t know where to begin and I resent him and he probably hates me because I do get impatient and ratty with him

You sound exhausted. You said your dh was against sleep training and that he's woken up too bit your ability to change this is being limited by your dhs attitude. you sound broken.

You seriously need to sit your dh down and tell him to get on board - either you need to work out a shared routine that works (k don't know your working pattern but for 2 people doing 9-5.30pm I've regularly seen one parent taking themselves to bed at 7-8pm at bedtime routine then "protected" sleep until 2am.. 2nd parent goes to bed at say 11pm... Then 2nd parent gets their protected sleep between 2am -7am... But that depends entirely on your routines).

My point is : you need DH to support you solving this. Your baby doesn't know what or how to fix this. Your dh needs to step up.

Mother is the name for God in the lips and hearts of little children.

Oh it’s hideous. Mine didn’t sleep through until he was over 18 months. Nothing we did made the slightest fucking difference. He’s still not great at sleeping at two and a half but it’s better.

Go the the GP. If you don’t have PND you will do if this carries on. You need support in place.

If you can throw money at the problem do so. Some will suggest sleep trainers. I’m going to suggest a local hotel for two nights. You get one night. DH gets the other. You both need a proper night of sleep (you actually need a year of proper sleep but starting small here). Everything seems more manageable if you’ve slept.

If he genuinely just wants out of the cot, given how exhausted you are I’d seriously consider letting him have that. Child proof the room, baby gate on the door, mattress on the floor and just let him roam. Obviously I’m not up for the mother of the year award with parenting advice like that, but it’s not forever, it’s just to get you enough rest to cope.

Save Our Sleep by Tizzie Hall. Sleep and nap pattern, feeding pattern, everything. Worked for my household.

My little girl was like this, it didn’t stop until she was 3.5 years old and had her tonsils and adenoids out (sleep apnea). She was like a different child once she’d healed from the op. Definitely speak to your health visitor and GP, to check in for your own mental health and to see if there’s anything they can suggest for your little one x

happbea what does a sleep consultant actually do? Is it just as simple as following a routine and letting them self settle?

OP it sounds tough & I think you need to maybe take it in turns with DH to have a night on then night off?

Sleep consultant might be your only option. There might be some advice online from a sleep consultant?

@Whitemousepinkears

I really want to look into a sleep consultant but DH thinks it’s a waste of money. It’s causing arguments and resentment.

We used a sleep consultant and it was the best money we've spent in our lives. A sleep consultant will personalise an approach for you, your baby and your life. You can ask questions any time. The different approaches from books didn't work for us. We got so tangled up. Our consultant's plan went for 6 weeks (so no quick fixes, it was nice and gentle) but we felt pure and utter relief from the first night knowing that someone far more knowledgeable than us had things in hand. It was all done by phone and email and it bloody worked. I had PND which was exacerbated by sleep deprivation. This saved me. Good luck, I hope you can convince your husband. X

@Whitemousepinkears reading this I want to wave a magic wand for you ; I can feel your exhaustion. This time of year doesn't help either: 'instagram expectations' and you're feeling like sh*t: exhausted, no light at the end of the tunnel and wholly frustrated.

I have no pearls of wisdom but I want you to know: You are the best thing in the world to your little 'un. So much so they want you to hold them all the time because you bring them comfort and that is their happy place. How amazing is that!

This will not be forever. You are doing an amazing job.

I know the nights are long but the years fly. You've got this- xx

What is your husbands suggestion then? I think you really do need to ask him this in a calm moment and actually get him to give you a proper answer.
You are exhausted and presumably he is too so why is he so against getting your baby to sleep so you can both sleep?

Just doesn’t think it will work and I have my doubts too I must admit.

We did what a previous poster suggested
2 nights in a premier inn a mile away!
I slept from lunchtime check in right through until the following morning!

I am sorry you are going through this, this sounds awful.

It definitely sounds like something needs to change as feeling like this just isn't sustainable, it can't be working for any of you.

What is DH'S objection to trying another way of sleeping?

I would seek support from your health visitor, and also GP incase there could be an element of PND.

OP, in a way, what's not to hate about a baby? It's not as if it's a mutual relationship. A baby is a tiny ball of MEMEMEMEMEMEME 24 hours a day. And people tell you you're soooooooo lucky. I think it is possible to love and hate a baby at the same time. It is a very hard job to be a mother. It drags you right to the freaking edge. I have no wisdom but just hang in there because sometimes there are moments that are just as glorious and filled with shining irrational passionate love as these nightmare midnight hours are filled with drudgery and sorrow.

Make sure he gets lots of fresh air. It helps sleep. If he sleeps.in the day then you get asleep too while he is napping. Do not let him sleep much in the day or he won't sleep as well at night. Get blackout blind for his window.

Honestly I'd be totally against a sleep consultant generally but you're exhausted op and really it's worth a shot. I'm sure you're willing to try anything at this point.

I'd look into one whether or not your DH agrees.

Nothing ventured nothing gained.

All just conjecture at this point.

And - do people not realise this isn’t a little tiny baby? How can I sleep in the day when he’s napping? I’m at work then.

What's your sleeping arrangement like? Can you sleep undisturbed in a different part of the house for half the night? Just getting 4 hours of undisturbed sleep really saved my sanity.

My one year old is doing great now, she only wakes 2-3 times a night and goes to sleep within 30 minutes of waking now. Often it's just 15 minutes. Controlled cruing helped reduce it to that. It used to be so much more. I didn't sleep more than 4.5 hours a night for months and that was in stretches of 1 -1.5 hours. It's so hard, isn't it? You have my sympathies.

Not sleeping is the worse, it changes your life and makes you miserable.

PP has suggested sleeping in shifts, I think that's a great way of getting a few hours in. One on the sofa with earplugs in if needed then swap. A couple of nights of that will help with your exhaustion. Or even better have the night off completely and go stay somewhere else like a travel lodge.

Would be worth looking into a sleep consultant. Did wonders for my dd. Sounds like you are stuck in a routine that isn't working so starting a fresh with a expert would be good. Your husband may not agreed but is he coming up with any other solutions? If it doesn't work then at least you have explored that option.

Good luck 🙏🏻

I can’t sleep undisturbed anywhere. Scream scream scream. I fucking wish I’d never had him.

Also, not sure if anyone has already asked. Does he go to a nursery/childminder while your at work? If so could you take an annual leave day, still send him and then catch up on some sleep yourself?