feeling like I hate my baby

[Whitemousepinkears]

I don’t but I hate never sleeping and I feel so angry.

Naturally babies need to be with their mothers at night and feel distressed without them there. 'Sleep training plans' where you leave your child to cry is negligent to their emotional wellbeing and is very likely to cause lifelong mental health issues for them. I developed attatchment disorder caused by it for example.

Have you tried putting him in bed with you, it's natural and healthy for the child and then there's no need to go back and forth

The posts about adoption are frankly insane and offensive. If you suffered from chronic pain in your leg, say, you wouldn’t go straight to recommending it was cut off. You’d treat the symptoms and then address the cause. This is no different and adoption isn’t the answer. The OP is suffering from ongoing sleep deprivation, which can cause all of these feelings including PND but also maternal rage, which is rarely talked about or acknowledged. I never knew anything like it, and my baby couldn’t have been any more wanted or loved as it took us five years to conceive with multiple losses along the way.

Also, don’t let the guilt-trip brigade stop you from doing what’s right for you. The studies that talk about damage caused by CIO are based on the experience in Romanian orphanages and not children who are otherwise loved by their mothers and brought up in a positive environment.

In fairness even a sleep consultant isn’t guaranteed to work.

It's not guaranteed no, but what if it did work? What if it worked like a dream and within a couple of weeks you were back to getting a decent amount of sleep and feeling something like human again? If there was a sliver of a chance of it working and I could squeeze the money from somewhere I'd do it in a heartbeat in your situation OP. You sound defeated in your posts and I get that, you're exhausted. But you also sound defeatist and I'm not sure you can afford to be that at this point, something needs to change before lack of sleep breaks you completely and anything is worth trying. Your DH is letting you down by not helping you to see that instead of dismissing your suggestions.

The posts about adoption are disgusting. The OP is struggling with a baby that doesn't sleep & is beside herself with exhaustion, then some posters rock up suggesting she give him away. No empathy at all for the OP & how she may be feeling right now.

Just to echo what others have said, I would honestly push for a sleep consultant with your DH.

I know 4 friends who each had terrible sleepers and were up constantly through the night. Each of them used a sleep consultant (I think two used the same one but the others were in different areas). The age range of babies was from 6 months to 20 months.

The price varied from £300-£600 (the more expensive one stayed over for a couple of nights to help bed in).

I don't think any of my friends got the same method given-each had to keep a sleep diary with very specific detail on babies routine/naps/food etc and got a personalised plan back.

Every single one of my friends without exception says it was the best thing they ever did. Some saw complete change to baby sleeping 7-7 and others still had a slightly unsettled baby but one who only woke once or twice in the night and was easier to get back to sleep.

I'm very lucky not to have needed one but due baby 2 soon and wouldn't hesitate to use one if needed this time. Sleep deprivation is a form of torture!

I felt exactly the same OP, huge hugs for you I eventually realised the hatred I was feeling was because of how he made me feel, not because I actually hated DS. So don’t feel guilty about that xx
After 12 months of no sleep, and what sounds like being in your exact situation, I was suicidal and so desperate we did CIO. It was horrendous for 2 nights, but quite honestly it was horrendous anyway so we had to do something! And after those 2 nights he actually slept!! Life changing. Obviously do what you feel best but it really worked for us.
Also not long after his first birthday we actually put him in his toddler bed, without the sides etc. For some reason he slept better in that than the cot! Not sure if he was happier with the option of freedom? But he did actually stay in the bed happily to our surprise.
Just a few suggestions to try if you are really desperate. Hang in there OP, you’re not alone xx

@tatfrombandm

Naturally babies need to be with their mothers at night and feel distressed without them there. 'Sleep training plans' where you leave your child to cry is negligent to their emotional wellbeing and is very likely to cause lifelong mental health issues for them. I developed attatchment disorder caused by it for example.

Have you tried putting him in bed with you, it's natural and healthy for the child and then there's no need to go back and forth

Can you see my posts between 11 and 3?

Do you know where DS was then?

I don’t know if I don’t explain very well … it’s not the wake ups per se, it’s the fact you can’t resettle him once he has woken up. I know some babies do wake at night at this age but once he wakes up that’s the night gone. And he wakes before 11.

Oh god, OP I feel your pain. Mine would only sleep being held until about a year. In the end I co slept in the same bed because while I know this is not the safest thing to do, I had to sleep ! It will get better!

I remember being so upset that I never had a minute of alone time and was so exhausted I couldn’t cope. Again it does get better, this is just a difficult time, it will pass.

I have been where you are and it made me very unwell.
We used our own version of controlled crying. I never let her cry for more than two minutes at a time.
It took three days and made a huge difference.

Babies are all ass holes.

I've never co slept, keeping our room as our space (the only bit in the house really) is important to me. It sounds really challenging and no wonder you're at the end of your tether, juggling no sleep with work is really hard. I know you've said your DH isn't keen, but we found a sleep consultant actually life changing, well worth every penny and much better than generic advice online that tends to be geared towards younger children.

I feel for you. I'm one of the evil mums that did cry it out with both of mine and it sorted the sleep out within 2 nights. However, my nearly 2 year old can be a bit of a bugger if he's got a cold and will wake up frequently - I've found if his bedroom is less than 24 in temperature then he keeps waking up

The reason baby is waking after two hours is because due to his sleep wake pattern. Roughly every 2-3 hours we go from deep sleep to light sleep. During this time our brain notices if something is different from when we went to
sleep and if it is different it wakes us so we can check we are safe.
I know it’s difficult but the best thing to do is to settle him to sleep in the cot. There are a few things you can try to help with this such as laying on his bed sheet for a few hours before he goes to bed so it smells of you, have a regular routine which helps baby’s body realise that it is getting near bedtime.
You can contact the sleep charity on 0330 353 0541 and they will offer support and advice

In this situation, we got some heavy duty ear plugs and took it in turns to sleep downstairs. One night on, one night off. Me and DH. It's totally shit but on the night I was downstairs with the ear plugs, I got enough sleep to not feel like i wanted to run away.

This sounds bonkers but my friend set up a camp bed in her garage with loads of blankets etc. In desperation she alternated nights with her DH and had a full undisturbed nights sleep every other night.

Is he getting enough daytime sleep? My DD is one and needs to nap for 2.5 hours during the day or her night time sleep is seriously disturbed. Look up about awake windows and see if you can get him in to some kind of daily routine. We used the LIttleOnes sleep app and it was a life saver for us.

I know. You don’t get to this level of desperation without countless books, apps, online advice, baying at the moon and eyeing up the bottle of Christmas wine, wondering …

Just doesn’t work. Back in October he randomly slept through for four nights, nothing different happened but ever since he’s been horrendous.

Sleep consultant/ night nanny seems like the only and obvious thing to try. If nothing else you’ll get sleep whilst they’re there, but nearly always they can establish a routine that gets sleep going in the longer term.

It’s money well spent for your sanity. Doesn’t sound like your partner is really hearing you about this even if he does get up too.

@Crayfishforyou

I have been where you are and it made me very unwell. We used our own version of controlled crying. I never let her cry for more than two minutes at a time. It took three days and made a huge difference. Babies are all ass holes.

We did similar, on the basis that if you had older children, you wouldn't always be able to drop everything to tend to the baby immediately eg if an elder child was having a bath. It did work for us, but perhaps not suitable for every child

OP, it sounds awful for you. Huge sympathies. Put yourself first. It's hard to be a good parent when you are run ragged. Happy mum = happy baby. I'd definitely try some form of controlled crying. I suppose it could get worse before it gets better, as your DS is accustomed to attention when he cries, but he'll come to no harm. My friend did this. She said it was absolutely awful for 3 nights, and then totally fine from then on, and she wished she'd done it earlier

Good luck, whatever you decide

It may be worth just leaving him. I’ll need ear plugs though.

My first was like this, he didn't sleep more than 3 hours in a row until he was 18 months. It felt like torture, my DH got panic attacks towards bed time. Sleep deprivation is unreal and unless you've had a child like this it's hard to understand what it does to you.

I'm not suggesting any methods because with mine nothing worked except he grew out of it eventually. A game changer for us was him sleeping 3 hours because it meant one person got up and the other got 6 hours sleep! We'd alternate and one would sleep as far away from my DS room as possible with white noise playing. You just have to survive as a family a child like this and truly it ends. This will pass and you'll be posting to help people here. Mine sleeps 7:30 - 6:30 now and he started that from around 2. It passes x

You feel like there is no point trying anything because you are depressed.
You are depressed because you are sleep deprived.
Just do the CIO method. It works and will be less damaging than how you all feel now.

I keep telling myself this!

But when you ask on here there are so many posts by people blithely saying oh, my five year old still doesn’t sleep through, and we wanted to conceive again this year but just can’t with ds sleep what it is.

I hate how angry it makes me.

Get the sleep coach. Tell your DH it's the sleep coach or your sanity/marriage at this point because that's what it sounds like - you are on the edge and sound so stressed and unhappy; this is where getting professional help will make a big difference. He needs to support you and take this seriously, The pressure is all on you right now and it's overwhelming you. So sorry to hear how tough it is and hope you can find the changes that help make a difference. Your mental health has to come first or it will be very bad for everyone in your family - you matter

Step one: share the night wakes either by night or half the night each w DH . You must do this.
Step two: sleep consultant. Bet you'd pay someone £400 in a moment for a couple of night's solid sleep right now right? So see this as payment towards sleep in 2022. Definitely worth it. You are too tired to work this out alone.
I've been there. It does get better.

I can’t afford a sleep consultant and anyway, for all I know something could be wrong. He coughs a lot at night which doesn’t help.