feeling like I hate my baby

[Whitemousepinkears]

I don’t but I hate never sleeping and I feel so angry.

Thanks. That looks similar to Lucy Wolfe and I just couldn’t get him down at 9 or thereabouts, that was a huge problem.

So you’d recommend only one nap (if the morning one isn’t happening - it won’t!) at around 1, is that right?

No more practical suggestions but do understand how you feel - and you’re a great Mum - honestly - and dont hate your baby. If you did you’d just leave him all night and not car.

What I did in similar circumstances, to make me feel a bit more relaxed, was to write down how I felt - absolutely honestly how I felt, and what in my sleep deprived state a twisted part of me wanted to do,including the worst things imaginable. It was as though that written release - and confession - relaxed me a bit, and more able to cope. You could do the same re your feelings about DH. Then you destroy what you’ve written. In my day it had to be on paper so I formally burnt the paper. PS Adult DS and I have the closest possible relationship

Oh god it’s not just me then … imagine the most horrendous, wicked things and it tears me up inside.

@Whitemousepinkears

Thanks. That looks similar to Lucy Wolfe and I just couldn’t get him down at 9 or thereabouts, that was a huge problem.

So you’d recommend only one nap (if the morning one isn’t happening - it won’t!) at around 1, is that right?

Yes but with only one nap, initially it will be hard to get him from 7-1 so slowly push him out each day and maybe even stop at 12:30 then defo an early bedtime to compensate. Again I wouldn't just jump to 6:30 bedtime, bring it back by 15 mins each night until you are starting bedtime routine at 6pm and aiming for him to be asleep by 6:30.

How does he fall asleep for naps and bedtime? Is he rocked etc and does he have a soother? When he wakes during the night, what gets home back to sleep?

Thanks. I was going to try a nap at 10 (he was up at 7 and I don’t think he slept more than 6/7 hours) how long would you recommend I let him sleep?

At night he falls asleep in my arms but immediately wakes if transferred. Also can’t look at my phone etc

You could try give him just 15 mins and then aim for 1:30 nap time. I'd always be looking to lower the gap between big nap and bedtime.

Does he go asleep at bedtime/nap time on his own? Is it just through the night he needs assistance

I’ve had an awful sleeper with my first OP and I really do feel for you. It’s torturous. It very nearly pushed me over the edge.

What helped for us was unplanned CIO. And by that I mean one night where I couldn’t bare anymore and I left her screaming in her cot while I sat on the stairs and sobbed and sobbed my heart out. She wore herself out and fell asleep and from then on, was much better at self settling. I think sometimes it’s desperately trying to find that one thing that will work.

That was nearly 7 years ago and I still remember that god awful night.

Try the sleep consultant. Friends have had amazing success with them. Could you book a weeks A/L while you go through the worst of it?

And please remember that this will not last forever. Your child will not be like this at 5/6/7. You will sleep again. You will get your life back again. I know at the time it feels impossible but it WILL happen.

Once you had the later nap time in place then I'd look at sleep training through the night.

Does he have a soother?

He’s fine at nap time and bedtime usually. But once he’s woken in the night that is it. This is why it’s so hard because I only get a tiny amount of broken sleep.

I know it won’t always be like this. And I’ll miss my baby. I’m just worried as I can’t think about a second with DS like this but also I’m old in child bearing terms so there’s that pressure.

Honestly every sleep issue can be fixed so just remember that. A few hard weeks of strict routine and sleep training and he will be sleeping better. He is capable of falling asleep alone so that's one less battle. It's just getting to a place that he will do that during the night when sleep pressure isn't as high

You're still not trying to address the main problem here - what is your dh doing to fix it with you? I don't care if he's woken too or thinks it won't work, he needs to form the solution, even if it's taking the 7pm-2am shift while you sleep with ear plugs and after a shot of whiskey!

OK but if I still don’t sleep (I won’t) then what?

Screaming babies wake people up, it’s just now it is. In fairness to DH he did take him between 3-7 this morning so he isn’t doing nothing.

OP I'm not going to give you advice but solidarity and understanding. I've told my babies to fuck off a few times (not in their face but into the air, generally) and screamed into many a pillow.

1 had colic and 2 had reflux. The most recent baby had reflux until he was 18 months and now still pukes in my bed (he's 3, pukes 2-3 times a month, still wakes 2-6 times a night).

My middle baby has multiple allergies and reflux. Used to wake every 15 minutes at its worst. I obviously didn't sleep at all those nights. I couldn't work until he was 3 because it was so bad.

I feel you.

I've used a sleep consultant but it didn't work that much because it doesn't fix reflux.

DS was a refluxy baby. It stopped around 5 months but he was still unable to have a big feed. It’s hard

Just gone down for a nap in his cot like a little lamb. I wish I understood why he doesn’t at night.

Nights were always worse for us as well.

I used to look at them sleeping in the day and think "See! You CAN do it!"

The little buggers

That’s a good thing that he falls asleep ok at the beginning of the night. That means he is capable of self settling. He just needs to learn how to do it during the night too. Look up some sleep consultants on social media, sometimes they have free advice or videos etc.

It took us 5 years to try for a second DC (that shows how bad our first experience was..) and she is nothing like her big sister. It’s the luck of the draw a lot of the time. Second DC is a good sleeper, good eater etc. Even with the night feeds at the beginning it was a whole different experience, she would wake for a feed, have a bottle and then would be zonked out for another 2/3 hours. First time around I was surviving off such little sleep and pacing the floors at all hours.

I however will not be pushing my luck and trying for a third now I know just how bloody difficult it can be

This shouldn't even need saying but CIO will NOT cause attachment disorder in an otherwise well-cared for baby. Attachment orders develop after serious abuse.

Like many other mums I also got to the point where I just had to let my baby cry herself to sleep while I sobbed on the other side of the wall. She's been a near perfect sleeper since then, and more importantly, is so full of joy I can't take her anywhere without people commenting on how happy she is. It did her no harm at all.

I agree with @sleepnightnanny he needs a much earlier bedtime if he is just having the one nap. My DS would be extremely restless & unsettled at night if he was overtired going down. When he first went to one nap we found doing bedtime at around 6pm a complete game changer - nap was around midday for about 2 hours then as he got older it gradually shifted later, as did bedtime.

This may sound like harsh parenting but I would do CIO without hesitation, and also investigate silicon earplugs and an eye mask so that you can take it in turns to get an uninterrupted night's sleep. I have even been known to take a sleeping tablet when it's DH's "turn" to get up in the night.

CIO worked for us within 5 nights. And I was desperate for it at 7 months!! I am in awe of you doing a year. You must be running on empty

OK but if I still don’t sleep (I won’t) then what?

It sounds like you have some (understandable) psychological stuff going on here. You're focusing on the worst outcome, I think because you're broken and defeated by lack 9f sleep: there's a reason it's used to break people's will to live in torture situations. The mental affect is understandable. do you think you might have better views if you said to your dh in advance what protected time is yours? E.g. every Weds, Thurs and Fri nights are your sleep nighs - whiskey, ear plugs, no fucking interrupt unless the house is on fire between 7pm and 4am. He has protection on other days. Negotiate. Get yourself into a safe mental state to sleep. White noise for you or headphones if you literally cannot drown out crying.

Is it even safe for you to drive or work if you're like this?

I wasn't at my lowest ebb. Admittedly only for a few weeks etc but it was awful.cant imagine for a year!

@Whitemousepinkears

DS was a refluxy baby. It stopped around 5 months but he was still unable to have a big feed. It’s hard

Just gone down for a nap in his cot like a little lamb. I wish I understood why he doesn’t at night.

Please don’t hurt your son in anger.

OP I never used a cot for either of mine, as they were rubbish sleepers who hated the cot. Mattress on the floor, stair gate on their door. I used to lie next to them to get them to sleep and no transfer necessary.

I know it seems hopeless at the moment but it WILL get better.