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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

feeling like I hate my baby

203 replies

Whitemousepinkears · 26/12/2021 23:02

I don’t but I hate never sleeping and I feel so angry.

OP posts:
Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 08:42

Does he cough a lot at night even if he doesn't have a cold and is okay during the day?

Original poster
Whitemousepinkears · 27/12/2021 08:43

Yes, which doesn’t help matters. Although he does have a cold at the moment!

OP posts:
TheAverageUser · 27/12/2021 08:44

Could you try raising the head of the cot up? We put a few books under the mattress to raise his head up a little when he had a cold/ cough.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 27/12/2021 08:44

@Whitemousepinkears

I keep telling myself this!

But when you ask on here there are so many posts by people blithely saying oh, my five year old still doesn’t sleep through, and we wanted to conceive again this year but just can’t with ds sleep what it is.

I hate how angry it makes me.

Not to be harsh, but just stop reading posts then! This is your baby, you and your DH will need to make thousands of decisions big and small about their life that will shape their experiences, their character and your relationship with them. You are parents, so you decide. Some of us co-sleep to be nurturing (you don't like that), some do various flavours of cry it out to get peace (you don't like that), some get a third party to help either nanny or grandparents (you don't want to), some split between the parents (you don't think it'll work). Nobody just stays awake for years, because that level of sleep deprivation sends anyone mad and rage-like, as you've figured out already. Turn off the internet, talk to your DH and just pick your least worst option, then get on with it.
ifeelabitsad · 27/12/2021 08:44

This is about you. Never mind what DH says. Your relationship with your DS and your sanity is at stake. Spend the money on a sleep consultant. It is vitally important and is the single most important thing in your life right now. Show your DH this thread. He needs to understand how desperate you are.

Please prioritise this. Nothing changes if nothing changes.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 27/12/2021 08:45

@Whitemousepinkears

I can’t afford a sleep consultant and anyway, for all I know something could be wrong. He coughs a lot at night which doesn’t help.
Ask the GP about acid reflux, and consider food allergies. Don't use this as an excuse to continue with no sleep for months though.
Original poster
Whitemousepinkears · 27/12/2021 08:46

I have been trying to talk to DH about it since, oh, about july, when ds went into his own room and back to work was imminent for me.

As you can see, I’m still in the same position. I’ve given up trying now. It’s wretched though.

Thanks, I’ve tried raising the cot a bit (and using a pillow) doesn’t really make a difference.

OP posts:
JustUseTheDoorSanta · 27/12/2021 08:50

Just tell him what you're doing in that case @Whitemousepinkears, he's had his chance to contribute thoughts.

sleepnightnanny · 27/12/2021 08:53

OP, I'm so sorry you are going through this. I am an infant sleep consultant and it is so common..but it is soul destroying for all the family.

Can I ask what age your son is and how often he naps during the day?

Tabbacus · 27/12/2021 08:56

@Whitemousepinkears

Yes, which doesn’t help matters. Although he does have a cold at the moment!
That can be common in asthma, even if not perhaps the coughing wakes him. I'd try a humidifier and raising his pillow, it might be that he is more comfortable like that rather than being flat.
Original poster
Whitemousepinkears · 27/12/2021 08:56

Naps are variable but he generally does 2-2.5 hours. He is just 12 months.

OP posts:
CaMePlaitPas · 27/12/2021 08:58

Why does he wake up OP? Do you have a nightlight? White noise? Is he too cold/hot? Thirsty? Hungry? Does he need a bottle? What's his activity like during the day? Does he go to nursery? My 3.5 year old has only just started sleeping through, you do what you can tbh. It's important that your DH takes an active role in this too. I'm pregnant with my third and I absolutely plan on sleep training, I think I let my second get away with no sleeping for too long. Good luck

CaMePlaitPas · 27/12/2021 08:59

That nap might be too long for him btw.

Fivebyfive2 · 27/12/2021 08:59

My ds was an absolutely awful sleeper until about 18 months. Late nights, early mornings, split nights, multiple wakes, we had it all. Co sleep ever helped and we tried ferber and pick up/put down and both we're failures!

This will sound mad but ds hated his cot so I set up a travel cot in his room with a comfy mattress and a blanket. He had a Teddy that I'd wear down my top so had my scent on it. I would literally sit in the travel cot (I'm only tiny!) and he'd kind of go off on my lap, I'd gently slide him over to the mattress then climb out. People thought I was mad and I probably was, but if he hates the cot and we never got on with Co sleeping, we just found another way!

At 18 months we took the side off his cot and a couple of months later I was able to just lay next to him instead of having to hold him. He sleeps through semi regularly and the nights he does wake they're usually about 1 or 2 little re settles. We haven't had a split night for months.

Hang in there op, your time is coming! But if a sleep consultant is what you feel would help, absolutely push for it! You never know, it could be a game change. Another vote for noise cancelling headphones and taking it it turns some nights.

Sending support and virtual chocolates xx

Lwren · 27/12/2021 08:59

My son was the same, he's autistic and his body doesn't produce enough melatonin.
Without professional help you're fucked, change GP and get that help.
If you live anywhere near Merseyside I'll mind him for you, just inbox me.
(I've been thoroughly vetted by the LA as a fosterer so you won't feel like I'm just an online stranger) x

notanothertakeaway · 27/12/2021 08:59

OP, I was curious to see how much a sleep consultant costs, and found this thread, which may interest you

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/sleep/3551826-Are-sleep-consultants-worth-it

sleepnightnanny · 27/12/2021 09:01

Could you give me a little run through of his daily routine? Include morning wake up, feeds naps throughout day, bedtime, how he falls asleep(and where) and a general gist of wake ups during the night.

You can PM if you'd prefer. I can give you advice if something jumps out at me. Often wake ups during the night are from a nap imbalance during the day or it's a sleep association that needs tweaking.

Also does he have a soother or feed during night?

Original poster
Whitemousepinkears · 27/12/2021 09:07

To be honest, routine is variable, but to give a rough guide, wake between 7 and 8, first nap between 11 and 12, often this is the only nap. Which I know isn’t ideal but it’s a long nap. So if he wakes at say 130, he wouldn’t be ready for next sleep until around 5, which is too late. Argh.

The problem is there’s not much I can do about naps, as typically he’s at nursery. To be honest even on days where naps are right on point he wakes three hours later.

He refuses his bottle. Sometimes he will take it but I don’t think he needs it, if you see what I mean.

OP posts:
theitgirll · 27/12/2021 09:11

Just do CIO. People get hysterical about it but honestly it works and won't do any harm. At this point you need to prioritise yourself - not your baby, not your husband, yourself.

FTEngineerM · 27/12/2021 09:17

I’ve only read your posts, so forgive me if I’m just rehashing old shit.

As melatonin (the sleep hormone) levels rise at night, cortisol (the awake/stress hormone) drops and along with it it’s anti inflammatory effects. Is there a possibility that he is uncomfortable? Maybe from diet or skin?

A major breakthrough we had was identifying what was making him uncomfortable, then when he woke at night he didn’t need help to get back to sleep because he wasn’t in need of comfort from me.

Another was when we just stopped trying with the cot, he fucking hated the confinement. Single bed with bed guard or even mattress on the floor and we waited with him whilst he flopped around getting to sleep then just quietly rolled away.

That was AFTER we figured out why he was uncomfortable though. For us it was milk and soya, there is a long list though. Does he have any known intolerance/skin complaint?

Original poster
Whitemousepinkears · 27/12/2021 09:19

None that I know of but the cough is a worry.

However he sleeps through it from roughly 7/8 to 10/11. Then wakes.

I could cope with the wakings if I could get him back down but I can’t.

OP posts:
cherrypie66 · 27/12/2021 09:20

@Whitemousepinkears

He sleeps OK in the day. It’s night that’s the problem.
Have you tried limiting the daytime sleep to just a short nap after lunch ? He may sleep better at night. As long as his fed and clean put him in his cot at 7 and keep going back in to settle every ten minutes or so. He will eventually settle. Repeat every time he wakes but don't get up out of the cot. It will be hard but it should work after 3 nights you should see a big improvement. Stick with it and good luck.
sleepnightnanny · 27/12/2021 09:21

Would the Creche be willing to work with you if you told them you are working on his sleep? He is 12 months yeh?

I'd recommend firstly waking him every day at 7am. I know this is so hard when you are exhausted but it is necessary initially in order to get better nap structure during the day.

He is napping for a good long stretch during the day but if he is waking at say 1:30 for the day, there is too much of a gap between waking from nap to bedtime which then causes them to become overtired and therefore brings more.

This is the routine I would recommend for him at his age.

7am wake up
7:30 bottle if he is still having one
8am breakfast
9am 30 min cat nap (or anything up to 30 mins)
10am snack
11:45: hot lunch
1pm nap for 2 hrs
3pm snack or bottle if would prefer
5pmDinner
6pm start his bedtime routine, bath, bottle, story and bed
6:30 bedtime

I'd initially say bring bedtime early while you get routine going then push it back to 7pm.

I know these times might not suit with Creche but you can tweak them around.

I'm not sure if exact age, is he 12 months?
Does he eat well (solids) during day? I would offer him his bottle if he doesn't take it within 20 mins of being offered I'd move on, try not get in habit of him snacking on bottle throughout day.

sleepnightnanny · 27/12/2021 09:25

Also if the morning nap isn't happening then I would look at slowly pushing out the midday nap. So today try it for 11:15 tomorrow 11:30 etc until you get a later nap.

Honestly this all works if it is done consistently. I wouldn't go near sleep training until you have at least a week on new routine. He's overtired going to bed and it's unfair to sleep train him until he is getting a shorter gap between the nap and bedtime.

Chasingaftermidnight · 27/12/2021 09:30

You poor poor thing. No one can survive this level of sleep deprivation and hold down a job at the same time. It’s no surprise you’re completely burnt out and desperate. There’s no space for you whatsoever.

I know when you’re this level of exhausted people giving you advice can be so irritating but what worked for us was my husband doing the night wakes. Cuddling him, giving him water and putting him back in his cot and shushing him. It took hours for the first couple of nights but when he realised he wasn’t getting mummy he started to sleep.

Things will improve. One day this will be a bad memory but I know it’s hell now. I’m so sorry you’re going through it.