Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

[Fairylights25]

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

Here's your postcard

Dad

This will be my last communication to you. I tried to build bridges this Christmas but I can see that was a mistake now.

I know you played those films to show my children what I looked like back then to humiliate me, but this episode really only reflected badly on you as a person and as a father. It showed my children that you are not only cruel but someone who enjoys being cruel. On reflection, it has made me feel even more grateful that I now have a supportive family who love me unconditionally. So, bit of an own goal there, I am afraid.

Please do not contact me again. If you do, I will apply to the courts for a restraining order.

I'm no contact with the close family member who made my life a misery. I have no regrets at all, but I think they have....too little, too late, 20 years too late.

Give it a go OP, you've nothing to lose, your mother is as bad as he is, they don't deserve you.

@mellicauli

Here's your postcard

Dad

This will be my last communication to you. I tried to build bridges this Christmas but I can see that was a mistake now.

I know you played those films to show my children what I looked like back then to humiliate me, but this episode really only reflected badly on you as a person and as a father. It showed my children that you are not only cruel but someone who enjoys being cruel. On reflection, it has made me feel even more grateful that I now have a supportive family who love me unconditionally. So, bit of an own goal there, I am afraid.

Please do not contact me again. If you do, I will apply to the courts for a restraining order.

I like this but will send:

Not Dad -but his name -eg Edward

Edward

This will be my last communication to you. I tried to build bridges this Christmas because I was asked and persuaded to by Mary (insert mother's name) but I can see that was a mistake now.

I know you played those films to show my children what I looked like back then to humiliate me, but this episode really only reflected badly on you as a person and as a INSERT the term BIOLOGICAL father. It showed my children that you are not only cruel but someone who enjoys being cruel. On reflection, it has made me feel even more grateful that I now have a supportive family who love me unconditionally. So, bit of an own goal there, I am afraid.

Please do not contact me again. If you do, I will apply to the courts for a restraining order.

Love the rest of it. Send as a postcard. End of.

Take a picture.

Then mean it. Any further contact go to the police.

My dh was walking the dogs and only came back at the end, and could see the horror on my face as he walked in, and suggested immediately now was a good moment to head home because of the traffic.

So he waited for when your DH would be out of the house. What a fucking coward he is

You are a beautiful person from the outside and inside. You have a loving and caring family around you.
You did your best to be there for your mother and it's clear neither she, nor your father deserve your attention ever again. Let them rot. Be happy, be content, stay away from them.

Nobody can ever make you go back to his house. Your mother is not your problem, she has chosen to stay. She has also enabled his behaviour by not leaving him when you were little. I think you were right to give him a chance, but he blew it, big time. Take care of yourself, OP, you’re a lovely person, he’s a fucking arsehole.

Omg he sounds vile.

He waited for your dh to be out the house to try and humiliate you and to show how much control he has/had however it has backfired because your children can see him for the vile human he is. My passive dh would probably have battered him if he arrived back in the midst of all this. Thankfully your dh was more restrained,

Next time they ask you to visit be honest, don’t make excuses. Just say I don’t want to be in your company as you are a vile human and don’t deserve us in your life!

Cut contact.

I am back and my bulimia has definitely restarted, but that is okay tomorrow is a new day and I can try and eat again tomorrow. Perhaps it is unrealistic to think today would be easier. I have teens, so have to be really careful about it. It felt like the stress was bringing everything up rather than forcing to be sick. This is what toxic childhoods do, they leave all sorts of legacies, most of them I have conquered and handled.

I agree he choose a difficult time in my life, whether by accident or on purpose to put me back in my place, to remind me that I am not the powerful strong person I thought I had grown into, that he can take me down again whenever he feels like it. A total power move. I really see that now, after some fresh air and reading the posts on here. It was putting me back in my place, and to a point he succeeded, but I am now on chapter 4 nanny thank you for that poem and he has shown me that second, third, or even a hundred chances will never work. I am going to run down the clock until I never have to deal with him again. Sounds harsh but honestly it is him or me.

I have spent my whole life running away, so now I am going to stop running. I spoke to my dc this evening and dh and they all said what a horrible thing it was to do and they would have hated it. They are in no rush to ever go back.

I tried, I suppose if anything I can say I tried, and it is never going to work and thats okay. It really stings and hurts, as I still love him on some level and it is hard to walk away again, even the smallest glimmer of hope I guess must have been there. Every time we see him someone gets hurt (usually me, but not always sometimes it has been dc)

I can't honestly thank you all enough without tears brimming in my eyes for being the amazing people that you are and helping me through this. You are ten million times better than my own family - Thank you.

Your family have seen his behaviour and were shocked by it. All of the comments here are equally appalled. Your sense that his behaviour was wrong has been vindicated.
I know you are struggling in the aftermath but you can be certain that it really is him not you. It is remarkable how well you have survived living with a person who had so little regard for your wellbeing.

He's a pathetic old moron.
Don't waste time on this trash.
Don't bother with his funeral either.
Your mum sounds like a doormat.

@WonderfulYou

he perhaps didn't see the younger you in the way that you do. He should have listened to you when you protested about the films but I'm not sure he was being deliberately nasty

I agree with this.

I think in this situation he wasn’t doing it deliberately to hurt or embarrass you so I think you are being slightly sensitive.

However, it may just be you are not ready to be around him yet.
He has obviously done lots of things in the past which he shouldn’t have so you are going to be sensitive to anything he does. And I think it was very brave and kind of you to even bother going to theirs.

It’s ok to not want to see him but if you do it may be better to see him in your own home or outside so you feel more in control and situations like the above are less likely to happen.

This was deliberate all right.

He was asked multiple times to stop, and not just by OP.
He waited until OP's DH wasn't there.
Her mum took herself off to the kitchen and out the way, she knew it was deliberate.

I have spent my whole life running away, so now I am going to stop running. I spoke to my dc this evening and dh and they all said what a horrible thing it was to do and they would have hated it. They are in no rush to ever go back.

OP, you are the beautiful one, your parents are the foul ones. I include your mum because she chose to abandon you to your sperm donor's antics.

Your DH and DC have seen, clear as daylight, what a nasty, toxic man your father is, and they all want to protect you. They believe in you, that's obvious.

Your feelings are valid, your feelings matter. I am so sorry this happened. However he has shown you that hurting you is something he will do if it suits him.
My mother would do this, recount awful embarrassing things I had done as a child, that would make me cringe, she took delight in it. Laughed her witches head off.

you are 10million times better than my own family
No lovely, I think you mean old family because your own family are your DH and your DC.They sound great and clearly love you for who you are.

We hear you OP , we hear how painful this has been for you , how cruel your parents have been and continue to be .

@Fairylights25

I wanted to say I am sorry to everyone on here that has experienced, experiencing the same. MN is the only place I can come and talk about this and be totally understood.

Think of us all as mumsnet aunties giving you a fucking massive hug right now

I wish you could go back in time and say to the person on screen yesterday that one day you would know how far you have come. And that you have an OH and DC that they love you and have your back so completely.

Your parents have hurt you many many times. Please know that yesterday was the last time they had the opportunity.

Fairylights, you are amazing and I have the utmost respect for you. You have been to hell and back with your appalling parents (yes, both of them) and out of that you and your DH have built a beautiful family all of your very own. Treasure them for who they are and what you have made from the ashes of your own experience. You are doing brilliantly, you are proving that we are not set in aspic, we can overcome and have the life we deserve. Wishing you much happiness as you continue on your path of defying the past. You are strong and brave, they are a bully and a spineless jellyfish.
You are a phoenix!

I know you want to protect your family from him, but now they have seen the reality, it will help support your feelings. If you wobble and wonder if it might be different next time, they will be very quick to remind you what their experience was!

Not sure if it would work for you, but I have asked DH to “decide” we’re not seeing my family if I start to wobble. He is such a good stick, and not given to rocking the boat, and just having him gently remind me that it is not going to work, is a good starting point.

If I really wanted to go, he wouldn’t start laying down the law, but the conversations that come along are useful.

Agree that at this stage, you need to distance yourself from your mother. She may not be able to help her behaviour, she may be completely in his thrall, but this is no longer for you to deal with. If you can cope with the idea, start thinking about ways to reduce your contact with her as much as possible.

Good luck, it is the triumph of family ties, of desperate hope over grim experience, that we think it might be different next time, but it never is. Ever.

@Fairylights25

To me that’s the really sad part. She’s chosen him over you

Yes she has, and she makes no qualms about it, pure self interest it was better and easier for her to stay.

If she was going to leave him, she would have done when he was beating us as small toddlers, or the day he threw cutlery at my face, or the numerous police call outs when he completely lost his temper. She has had decades to leave, and never did, and never seriously considered doing so. She would rather walk away and leave us to it, and this is just another example.

This rang so so true with me. I'll never ever forgive my Mum for not leaving my Dad when we were being beaten. What you said about him throwing your teddy in the garden gave me flashbacks of two incidents. The first being when I began to put weight on when I was 13 and my Dad wrote 'Miss Piggy' on my bedroom door....

Then there was one Easter when I was somewhere between 7-10 years old and I'd been naughty. He took the awesome set my auntie had bought me for making your own Easter eggs (I was so excited to use it) into the garden and stamped on it. I was devastated. Naturally years later neither my mum or dad remember this happening and have both denied it.
My Dad is dead now and if I try to raise the subject with my mum of any of the abuse or why she didn't leave, she becomes incredibly defensive "Ohhhhhhhh fgs, this again!" "Is this the only reason you called me/came round?" "I don't need this" or

I was also put into a homeless hostel (alone) when I turned 16. A few months later they buggered off on holiday abroad whilst I was penniless and struggling to eat. I get the exact same response as above if I try to ask what the hell she was thinking.

You have my absolute sympathy.

I'm sorry OP. I did similar to you, I gave my dad one last chance and he sat and gloated to me about how he punched my pregnant mum in the stomach. Even chuckled to himself. He did all the right words, apologies and nods up until that point and I was almost fooled, but he shone right through within a few hours. I haven't seen him since, this was 11 years ago. I too run down the clock.

You've clearly raised your teens right and I hope that brings you some comfort. You've broken the cycle. X

OP get back to counselling. You need support with bulimia relapse.

granny and stella your posts were so deeply shocking, and I am truly sorry you suffered so much as small children. The denial that follows as an adult is almost as bad I find, it makes me question myself and my rock solid it has to be said memories. Sadly I wish it was just imaginary incidents, but for so many of us this was our reality of childhood. We survived and are here to talk, and to share and to help each other. They didn't break us.

I am sending out the biggest respect and hugs to those that have found their parents were not up to the job/or enjoyed being cruel and violent. I spent sixteen years learning how NOT to parent, so there was some value in knowing that I would never be the same (I didn't want children at all just in case I became like them, it was my biggest fear) I hope you all have better lives now, you deserve every ounce of love and care now as adults

Yes I totally understand what you mean- the memories are clear but the me that lived with my dad then seems like a different person and I sometimes doubt myself too. I think, hope, it's because we are good people that the things they've done to us is so inconceivable. Especially when you become a parent yourself. How could you be so malicious towards your own children?

@Fairylights25

granny and stella your posts were so deeply shocking, and I am truly sorry you suffered so much as small children. The denial that follows as an adult is almost as bad I find, it makes me question myself and my rock solid it has to be said memories. Sadly I wish it was just imaginary incidents, but for so many of us this was our reality of childhood. We survived and are here to talk, and to share and to help each other. They didn't break us.

I am sending out the biggest respect and hugs to those that have found their parents were not up to the job/or enjoyed being cruel and violent. I spent sixteen years learning how NOT to parent, so there was some value in knowing that I would never be the same (I didn't want children at all just in case I became like them, it was my biggest fear) I hope you all have better lives now, you deserve every ounce of love and care now as adults

Thank you. I've screenshot'd your response as it sums it up so beautifully that I need to be able to refer back to it when I'm struggling.

It's so interesting that both you & Stella refer to being parents ourselves. I didn't even struggle anywhere near as much with the memories until I became a parent myself almost 7 years ago. In fact I remember the first time I confronted my mum about why she didn't leave him, was when I was a few days away from birth. Of course she screamed at me and deflected with the Classic "Is this why you came round here?"