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AIBU?

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Original poster

Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

251 replies

Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 12:19

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

OP posts:
givethatbabyaname · 26/12/2021 15:29

It’s very, very difficult to close your life - your thoughts and emotions - to a parent.

No matter how old we are, we are programmed to love our parents. We can’t help ourselves. I had this realisation when my children were tiny. It’s a huge responsibility. No matter what we do to our children, instinctively they HAVE to love us and come to us. They can’t help themselves. They need us for everything.

Think about this in the context of your own children. Now think of yourself as the child in this scenario. Imagine how well you know you hold that child’s entire well-being in the palm of your hand….and you abuse that. It’s a fundamental trust that informs all of our human relationships. Nothing else matches it.

It’s shocking when a parent abuses that trust. And, at the other end of that bond, is the child who is programmed as a human child, to rely on that bond, who can’t shake it off, who can’t break it.

It takes a real surge of head over heart, of learned experience, and a huge amount of sadness and grief for that child who is now rudderless, even if that child is now an adult. It’s unnatural, and so utterly heartbreaking.

Original poster
Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 15:29

I wanted to say I am sorry to everyone on here that has experienced, experiencing the same. MN is the only place I can come and talk about this and be totally understood.

OP posts:
flashy44 · 26/12/2021 15:30

Dont waste any more time on your father,be done with him.I would also be hurt my mother didnt try and stop him from showing the film.Did she know beforehand this is what he was going to do?

cakeabg · 26/12/2021 15:32

@Fairylights25

The thing is I know I walked into this with my eyes open, and still I did it. I am most annoyed with that. I know it is never going to change, and yet I still did it!

Still pandering to my mother at my own expense, my own emotional well being and always coming out the same way afterwards.

I feel like I walked straight into a trap I knew was there. I was back in the lair waiting to be savaged. It was a little like that. I feel somehow diminished by my own choices.

I saw your action as being kind and brave to face the demons, rather than walking into a trap.

Now that the door is shut, please use that kindness and bravery on yourself, focus on the people that actually matters and are supportive of your well being x

Original poster
Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 15:34

It takes a real surge of head over heart, of learned experience, and a huge amount of sadness and grief for that child who is now rudderless

That is exactly it, completely rudderless even if we have two living parents a drive away and Christmas is the most difficult time by a long way. Much of the time the rest can be managed. But Christmas is the corker every year, when we have to face up to what was lost.
Lots of people carry that pain very quietly with bright smiles for everyone else and try to hold it together on the day.

OP posts:
WiddlinDiddlin · 26/12/2021 15:34

I think in this situation he wasn’t doing it deliberately to hurt or embarrass you so I think you are being slightly sensitive.

No. A thousand times, no.

THIS, the 'you are being sensitive' shit, THIS is exactly what this type of abuser relies on.

He absolutely WAS doing it to hurt her, whether the initial suggestion was thought through or not, on seeing her reaction, asking him NOT to play the videos multiple times, he KNEW it would hurt her and he did it anyway and he will have done so, banking on the fact that her objections and subsequent action in leaving COULD be played down as 'being a bit sensitive'.

Fuck that.

OP you did the right thing in leaving, now ring your mother and tell her it never happens again, she comes to see you or she can fuck off on the same horse your father rode in on.

SarahBellam · 26/12/2021 15:36

He is a vile, disrespectful, excuse for a human being, and this was a deliberate attempt to demean and humiliate you. It's not you, it's him. Please go no contact with him. He's really not worth the space he's taking up in your brain - not a single neurone of it.

Original poster
Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 15:37

I can't really face today. I got through yesterday, but I have read your messages of support and care and decided now I am going out for dinner, it is either that or cry my eyes out, so I will choose to be with dh and dc and put it behind me and try and enjoy today if I can. It is unfair on them to let this ruin boxing day, especially because they are always there for me. They look worried, as I am usually much more jolly but just could not do it today.

OP posts:
Witchinthedales · 26/12/2021 15:37

It sounds like he enjoys having power over you, OP, I don't think there are any excuses to be made here for him, cut this man out of your life once and for all, a leopard never changes its spots.

3scape · 26/12/2021 15:38

You're obviously still struggling with your body image (perfectly understandable) but you have come so far, you cannot allow this malicious person in. Clearly he cannot be trusted and cannot be allowed to enter your sphere. If you really feel you can't completely cut him out, perhaps it would be safer to only meet in a public space. Where you can simply leave, without any chance for him to control any of the scenario.

Ceramide · 26/12/2021 15:43

Yes, he did it on purpose. He wants to have power over you and was deliberately humiliating you. I'm so sorry OP. Your teens sound brilliant though.

NumberTheory · 26/12/2021 15:48

Obviously, you’ve realised now that you can’t see him again. But I think you also ought to be laying more blame at your mother’s door and cutting contact with her. Scared of him or not, what she did to you was also vile and not the act of a parent who loves you. She enticed you over to be his punching bag.

Your father sound evil. But your mother isn’t really worthy of her title. Don’t give her any more space to gaslight you or put your welfare behind hers. It’s not your job to protect her from the consequences of her choices. It’s not your job to reassure her that she isn’t to blame for how his actions hurt you - she is.

RazzleDazz1e · 26/12/2021 15:50

Not to blame him in any way, but why on eart did your DH leave you alone?!

My husband and I have abusive families and on the rare occasion we do seem we do our dammed best to stick together- no prolonged absences.

OP your post has triggered some horrible memories and I don’t want you to think that I am attacking you or your DH. Please don’t think that…

Thefrenchconnection1 · 26/12/2021 15:57

He waited for dh to go out. It's on purpose.

HunterGatherer · 26/12/2021 15:59

He sounds awful, I too grew up with a vile father and the only way I can cope is by putting those times in a box which I never open.
I have a lovely life now with an adoring DH and 3 adult DC. They are my focus and my life. Dont let him ruin how far you have come OP, you can keep revisiting your past (as I did with years of counselling) but it did me no good to keep reopening old wounds. Eventually I met a brilliant CBT therapist who taught me to move on. To leave the past in the past and to focus on the here and now and my plans for the future.

I would cut him out entirely and send him a note telling him why, then move on. Wishing you every happiness.

SomePosters · 26/12/2021 16:01

Well, you went over and above when you gave him a chance

Next time your mother tries to bully you into letting him bully you you will know not to bother

Im sorry op, sometimes people just aren’t very nice humans and it’s ok to walk away xxx

Onceuponatimethen · 26/12/2021 16:01

Op I am so so sorry about that disgraceful behaviour by him. I have toxic wider family and have gone low contact with letters only. Again the pattern is a cruel male and female partner who is terrified of him and won’t stand up to him.

I wanted to say two things. This behaviour by this individual is nothing to do with you and EVERYTHING to do with him. He would have been the same with any child.

Also I know me saying this probably doesn’t help at all and I know he showed the films to be unkind about your body. BUT if I had been there I bet I would have only noticed you being in them just being the lovely person I bet you are. I wouldn’t have thought anything about your body shape Flowers

You sound like you have lovely dc and a lovely dp who cherish you. I’m sure they feel they are lucky to have you too

Joolsin · 26/12/2021 16:02

OP, I can't add much to the wise advice given by PPs, but I wanted to reiterate that your children sound so amazing, they supported and defended you when this happened - you were not alone and this is so important. You have a husband and children who you love, and who love you, you have a good body which tried to protect you in the most primal way. And you have the benefit of knowing that you were right for those two years and will be right in the future. There is no further doubt - that knowledge is valuable. I also think you are right to go out with your lovely family, to try your best to salvage a good evening from a shocking day yesterday. OP, you win, you really do. Flowers

BringOnTheOtherWorlders · 26/12/2021 16:03

I'm sure it's hard to see your Mother's abusive role in this when your Dad is so horrible - but your Mother pimped you out to be mistreated. She doesn't have your back. She doesn't protect you. I'm guessing she never did.

Go no contact with both of them.

My theory on the films is he was trying to restore his power and dominance over you since you so willingly showed up in his home. He wanted to remind you of your weakness and vulnerability, so he can go back to controlling you and messing with you.

Mix56 · 26/12/2021 16:04

It was deliberate, it was not a joke, it was not funny.
You should have stood up & left.

EwwSprouts · 26/12/2021 16:08

Be proud you have raised such empathetic children. Just see your mum alone going forward.

Anactor · 26/12/2021 16:12

@Fairylights25

The thing is I know I walked into this with my eyes open, and still I did it. I am most annoyed with that. I know it is never going to change, and yet I still did it!

Still pandering to my mother at my own expense, my own emotional well being and always coming out the same way afterwards.

I feel like I walked straight into a trap I knew was there. I was back in the lair waiting to be savaged. It was a little like that. I feel somehow diminished by my own choices.

No. If you hadn’t gone you’d still be in exactly the same situation next Christmas, or Easter, or any big ‘visit family’ holiday. Your Mum would still be pleading with you to visit, she’d still be assuring you your father had changed/could pretend to be nice for a few hours. And you’d still be feeling guilty because - well, maybe he could change.

You went, you survived, you saw that he can’t change, not even for a few hours. He’s addicted to the toxic pleasure of bullying you and your Mum is addicted to giving outsiders the appearance of a ‘normal’ family, with her daughter and grandchildren visiting for Christmas and never mind the cost to you and the kids.

This was a necessary attempt, because we can all think of times when we’re convinced things will go wrong and then they don’t. Now you know. You were right. Your instincts about your parents were spot on. You can rely on that little voice saying ‘it’s a trap’.

You have proof, for you and your kids, and you survived getting that proof. That’s a win.

NannyGythaOgg · 26/12/2021 16:18

I read this poem for the first time around 20 years ago. At the time I as continually repeating chapter 2. It so helped me I managed to miss chapter 3, went through chapter 4 a few times but am now well and truly on chapter 5.

It sent a shiver down my spine the first time I read it

AUTOBIOGRAPHY IN FIVE CHAPTERS
I
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost … I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.
II
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.
III
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in … it’s a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.
IV
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.
V
I walk down another street.

I think you have just lived chapter 3, I am sure there may be a few chapter 4s to negotiate but I think you are certainly well through the first 3 chapters - no matter how many times you have lived through them previously.

You are strong and have your own lovely family around you. Waste as little time as you can on dwelling over this. It is done and you will never put yourself in the same situation again - and if you, for some reason, do fall back you will recognise it immediately and get out.

cassandre · 26/12/2021 16:19

I haven't read the whole thread but he was definitely trying to assert control over you rather than treat you as an adult and an equal. He was trying to remind you and everyone else of a younger version of you, when you were less mature and confident than you are now. And he didn't respect your request to him to stop (message: you are still the child and I am the parent with power to do what I want, regardless of your feelings).

This reminds me of my own dynamic with my parents as well. I ended up making a new home for myself in a different country, which sounds extreme, but I am actually a billion times happier now than I was when I was young and in thrall to my parents' wishes. I have a lovely family of my own, and it sounds like you do too -- bravo!

You handled it as well as anyone could have in those circumstances, especially when stepping back into your parents' home probably made you feel childlike and less strong anyway (it always did me). You gave them a chance to treat you respectfully and they failed to do so. So now you step away. Best of luck OP Flowers

PlasticPlantsDontDie · 26/12/2021 16:23

OP, don’t beat yourself for not standing up to him. There’s no shame in not liking conflict. You know that conflict with him will leave an even bigger mark, so have sensibly decided to walk away.

And don’t blame yourself for holding onto hope that he has somehow changed. That’s normal to want to be loved by your parents.

Just free yourself from them. You know they will never change xx