Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

[Fairylights25]

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

And it's ok to be afraid of him. He's been training you to be afraid of him all your life. Nothing to be ashamed of there at all

I suspect you will never win a head on battle with your father because he has no limits. He will say or do anything to win because his ego is all that matters to him - he doesn't care about the impact on you other than how it bolsters his sense of power and control.

The only way to "win" is not to play the game at all. He will never admit he is wrong and bringing up his behaviour to him just indicates to him that he has found the right buttons to push. Grey rock or non-contact are the only way you can take away his power.

Is there any good reason why you ever need to speak to him again?

Even if he thought the video was a good idea, he should have stopped when you and the kids made it obvious you didn't want it.

That's what anyone would have done if they weren't being vindictive.

Tell your mum how she has distressed you by hiding in the kitchen and letting him get on with it.
Your mum is not an innocent party here.

I can totally understand that you can't speak up. I think your only course of action to help to look after yourself is to stop any contact.

Your DM had very clearly made her choice known to you, it's sad but I wouldn't be trying to help her out when she has done so little to protect you.

The fact that you gave a lovely DH abs such caring DC is wonderful. Concentrate on your life with them

What was his excuse to play those particular videos? Was there a wedding/holiday/Christmas that he was feigning interest in?
What a nasty piece of work.

I think in your position I would be relieved to have my own instincts proven correct.
Your own mother should have stood up for you. Is she brow beaten or controlled?

@Fairylights25

I am reading every single post, and I am sorry I can't reply to each one.

To answer a few questions, I can't call him out and have never been able to as I am afraid of him (there said it) I am afraid it will blow up into a huge incident, and couldn't risk it with my children being there. I am not sure I could do it if they were not there, I can still feel terrified of him even though I am adult.

My mother is also afraid of him, I can't see her ever doing it. She just makes herself disappear somewhere.

The only thing I can do is leave and avoid him. I once stood up to him on the phone, and it turned into a massive argument and he said some truly awful things. I am not a weak person, and can be quite forthright when I need to be but with him I just can't. I have no idea why.

Sweetheart you can’t do it because you know deep down its pointless. Its pointless to argue with him. He’s scary he has absolutely no limits. So walk away and give him no response.

But you aren’t weak. The fact you are physically unable to respond is simply your mind protecting you from further emotional turmoil. Thats not a weak response. Your best course of action yesterday was simply to let it happen as it did- that was the route to minimal emotional turmoil. You are in fact incredibly strong for managing to minimise the effect.

You did good yesterday.

Sorry this happened to you, but I must say that your DH and kids sound fantastic

Do you get anything out of keeping your mum in your life? She pestered you into a situation you didn't want to be in, ignored the situation when he was being a absolute cunt to you and didn't speak up at any point.

I have to wonder how much better your life would be if you just cut them both off.

Sorry to hear about this OP. Basically it would not matter what you had requested him not to do. The fact that you requested something and he persisted, means at best he doesn't respect your wishes/think you have the right to be upset and at worst he was trying to upset you.

You gave him another chance which speaks volumes about your character. Sadly he is not worthy of your good opinion.

He was punishing you for daring to stand up to him for two years.

He thinks he's won by upsetting you and demonstrating his power in front of your DC. That's how he views the world- winning at all costs.

Tell your mum you'll see her (if you want to), but not him. Never go there again, meet somewhere neutral.

@Fairylights25

I am reading every single post, and I am sorry I can't reply to each one.

To answer a few questions, I can't call him out and have never been able to as I am afraid of him (there said it) I am afraid it will blow up into a huge incident, and couldn't risk it with my children being there. I am not sure I could do it if they were not there, I can still feel terrified of him even though I am adult.

My mother is also afraid of him, I can't see her ever doing it. She just makes herself disappear somewhere.

The only thing I can do is leave and avoid him. I once stood up to him on the phone, and it turned into a massive argument and he said some truly awful things. I am not a weak person, and can be quite forthright when I need to be but with him I just can't. I have no idea why.

There's no law that says we have to call an abuser out or confront them. If avoidance works for you, that IS a valid and healthy response. And it certainly doesn't mean you are weak.

Oh @Fairylights25 I’m so sorry, what a wretched thing to have happened.

Please don’t hesitate to use the Beat support services if either you feel yourself struggling or someone else expresses a concern. Are you able to get family support not to engage with the onslaught of diet & exercise stuff that’s just around the corner?

That body on the screen was not horrible. It was an awesome body, same as it is now. It was showing how the person who inhabits it was suffering, but it’s a strong body. It’s got you through. Whether or not it grew your children, it’s cared for them so they’ve grown up - to their current stage of up, as it were - to be thoughtful, loving & compassionate. Your body is awesome - it let you survive & [start to?] thrive.

I suppose the only good thing is that your father has unwittingly done you a favour in his horrible confirmation that there is no relationship to be salvaged there. There was no drawing you back in or partial reconciliation or anything new/more for you to grieve; and the circumstances allow you IRL reassurance - as well as the chorus of MNers - that this wasn’t your fault & NC is the right decision for your whole family.

Please be very gentle with yourself

I think he was punishing you.

@billy1966

OP,

You are no longer a child, stuck in his house.

You left when you felt able and will have learned from this.

It's not even 24 hours later and you have learned so much.

I think your self awareness is fantastic.

Your gut reaction was strong and correct.
Your father is truly awful.
Your mother is no better.
Your mother left you to his mercy AGAIN.

Your children have none of his traits and held your hand, because THEY recognised his behaviour as wrong.

They have seen first hand why you have no wish to be in their company.

Your husband has your back, recognised your father is a prick, and got you all out of there.

There are so many positives from this situation.

You are loved and cared for and have raised lovely teens, who love their mum.

Don't allow your negative thoughts to control you.

Write down the positives, keep them in your pocket and read them every time you feel triggered.

You will NEVER be in this position again.

You can tell your mother at a time of your choosing that you will NEVER be in that position again.

The fact OP is, YOU have ALL the power now.

You NEVER need see either of them again.

Therapy for a few tune up sessions in the new year might be good for you.

Don't allow him to ruin the rest of Christmas.

Billy puts it perfectly.

Yes he did do it on purpose and you are not over sensitive. Your so called "father" is a vile horrible man and yesterday's events should have confirmed that your instinct to go NC 2 years ago was the right one.

Going forward, ignore your useless mother's pleading if she starts it again. You don't have to go there ever again and you certainly don't ever have to see him again.

I have been busy looking at somewhere very far away that I can spend Christmas, so I never have to be drawn again. Anyone tempted to give on last chance might find my thread helpful, people don't change, so whatever the reason for low or no contact will still be there.

I think he enjoys hurting things, he takes pleasure from seeing pain and creating hurt he always has. For his enjoyment he used to throw my favourite teddy (that had a plastic face) up the garden and the face used to hit the concrete path and I would so afraid he would split the face, it is sadistic. He used to laugh as I used to cry. He is NOT a nice man, he has never been a nice man and that was the least of it, but to be fair I knew this and still went, so I have to take responsibility for my mistake.

I let them in again. It is like doing the same thing over and over again, and expecting a different outcome analogy.

Somehow we all have this small tiny secret of really wanting it to come good, and knowing full well it never will. Lesson learnt, burnt again. How many more times do I need to learn this one lesson?

@Fairylights25

My mother has always left me to it, she never challenges him and never will. He is very controlling with her as well.

To me that’s the really sad part. She’s chosen him over you.

It sounds like he’s tried to punish you for not seeing him as a lot of toxic narcissist parents do. He is completely in the wrong, it was a horrible vile thing to do to you, and I think you should aim for no contact or very low contact

To me that’s the really sad part. She’s chosen him over you

Yes she has, and she makes no qualms about it, pure self interest it was better and easier for her to stay.

If she was going to leave him, she would have done when he was beating us as small toddlers, or the day he threw cutlery at my face, or the numerous police call outs when he completely lost his temper. She has had decades to leave, and never did, and never seriously considered doing so. She would rather walk away and leave us to it, and this is just another example.

@Fairylights25

I am trying to work out if he did this to embarrass me, but find myself imagining being in the same situation, and I would never continue anyway. I would never force that on someone else. I am really sad, unbelievably upset about it without really understanding why as it is 'just' an old video from twenty years ago but I am mortified.

He was punishing you for not doing what he wanted (not seeing him for years) and enjoys embarrassing you.

Tell your mother you're out again. She's welcome to visit, but you won't be seeing him again. Ever.

Somehow we all have this small tiny secret of really wanting it to come good, and knowing full well it never will. Lesson learnt, burnt again. How many more times do I need to learn this one lesson?

Don't punish yourself over this. They are the ones at fault not you.

There is so much assumption in society that all parents are nice, fun abs caring and this can be intensified over Christmas when we are bombarded with images of happy families.

You have the right to grieve the parents you missed out on but please don't blame yourself for any of this.

If I could replay this event again I would say thank you for the invite but we are busy but I will send the presents to you. My boundaries would have remained in place, I would not be in the pain I am in now, and I would not be seriously regretting agreeing to it now.

The day itself brought no pleasure at all. I was stressed and anxious for weeks and weeks before, when I arrived I felt very nervous that he would do something horrible (I didn't imagine it would be in this way though) and I did not enjoy a single minute of it. I felt no love or emotion or happiness at being there, just a steady eye on the clock.

I am not sure what I was expecting. Some wonderful reunion where he hugs me and says sorry for all that has happened and magically becomes the parent I have always needed. Seriously it did nothing but harm, and now I feel damaged and fragile.

Now trying to convince dh that we need to go somewhere, anywhere for Easter, their birthdays and Christmas indefinitely. I am not putting myself in that position ever again.

@Fairylights25

My mother could see my reaction perfectly and suddenly made herself busy in the kitchen. My dh was walking the dogs and only came back at the end, and could see the horror on my face as he walked in, and suggested immediately now was a good moment to head home because of the traffic.

I can't actually believe he has done this. I literally can't believe he would be this unkind, so I keep questioning whether he did it to be nice as no one surely could be that spiteful.

What a surprise. He picked a time when your DH wasn't in the house.

He's a fucking coward as well as an abusive bully. He wouldn't have dared pulled that shit in front of another man, eh? Especially 'your man.

It's him, still him. And you need to never see him again.

I'm sorry your parents are awful. I take back the part about seeing you mother only going forward. i wouldn't even do that. She's picked him; let her live with the choice, alone.

Having had similar childhood experiences as you, I want to truly applaud your bravery of trying at Christmas and facing him. You made an effort and have a strong support network of husband and DCs. Concentrate on your immediate family who sounds so lovely, let go of the past and don't let it bother you anymore. You were so courageous to go face him, but you have tried, and whether he did it on purpose doesn't matter anymore, it does not make you feel good so best to leave it there. You have tried and no regrets anymore to cut contact.

All the best

The thing is I know I walked into this with my eyes open, and still I did it. I am most annoyed with that. I know it is never going to change, and yet I still did it!

Still pandering to my mother at my own expense, my own emotional well being and always coming out the same way afterwards.

I feel like I walked straight into a trap I knew was there. I was back in the lair waiting to be savaged. It was a little like that. I feel somehow diminished by my own choices.