Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

[Fairylights25]

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

@Fairylights25

I am trying to work out if he did this to embarrass me, but find myself imagining being in the same situation, and I would never continue anyway. I would never force that on someone else. I am really sad, unbelievably upset about it without really understanding why as it is 'just' an old video from twenty years ago but I am mortified.

You are a decent, kind person so you will never understand how he can behave in this way.

What he did was very cruel. But there are some positives in this. Your dc and dh have seen for themselves what that man is like and how he treats you. Your dh and dc stood up for you. They've got your back and you therefore have everything you need.

he perhaps didn't see the younger you in the way that you do. He should have listened to you when you protested about the films but I'm not sure he was being deliberately nasty

If you hadn't seen your child or grandchildren for over two years would you have ignored them and continued playing a film that was clearly upsetting them?

I certainly wouldn't. If I cared at all about them I would have moved heaven and earth to make them feel as relaxed and as comfortable as possible.

my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent

Contact your mum today, and tell her that after yesterday (while it’s still fresh in everyone’s mind so there’s no downplaying what he did or gaslighting you) you will never ever be in his company again, and if she tries to emotionally manipulate you ever again in future, you will cut all contact with her too.

When/if they ask you to go over to their house or meet them again, just say no. When they ask why, just say something like "Remember last Christmas? That's why". And leave it to her/them to figure out. You don't owe them anything more. You don't owe your father anything, the cruel bastard, & if your mother is going to enable his behaviour then you don't owe her anything either until she agrees to see you without his unpleasant presence & without trying to apologise for him. It's entirely inexcusable & any attempt by her to do so would end with me leaving. (I am also a recovering ED sufferer, I agree you absolutely don't need anyone pushing your buttons on this. It's a horrible slippery slope.)

I'd tell your mother exactly what you think as well. She's not coming off great here. And don't see your father again. Don't give him any more chances.

It's not 'just' videos, it's that he used them as a way to dominate you. They were simply the tool he decided to use that time to dominate and exercise power over you.

But there are some positives in this. Your dc and dh have seen for themselves what that man is like and how he treats you.

I totally agree with this. My dick of a parent is lovely when others are around, so nobody believes me, or they find it hard to fully believe me. This guy has shown your kids what you've been protecting them from, loud and clear. His utter bastard behaviour has shown your kids how much you love them.

He was trying to tear you down but actually made them see just how wonderful you actually are!

I'm sorry your mother put you in that position and then left you to it. That's unforgivable in itself in addition to him. I almost wonder if he waited till your DH was out to put the film on. I'd suggest if nothing else, show your children how to react to people like this by creating a lot of distance between you and your parents

dare I felt violated (again) which triggered my earlier childhood memories, and I was almost rooted to the spot. Sounds really odd, but I knew I had to leave, but I could not stand up. I think I was shocked and kind of horrified.

I now feel relieved I never have to see him again if I don't want to. I wish I had listened when my building anxiety before we went for weeks and weeks was telling me I should not go.

I am cross with myself for thinking even for a minute I could have a normal family that were kind, I fell back into that old trap. billy your posts always resonate so much with me

@Fairylights25

I am trying to work out if he did this to embarrass me, but find myself imagining being in the same situation, and I would never continue anyway. I would never force that on someone else. I am really sad, unbelievably upset about it without really understanding why as it is 'just' an old video from twenty years ago but I am mortified.

Sadly, I cannot think of any other reason other than to embarrass you or mock you. You gave him another chance, he didn’t want another chance really did he. Cut him loose.

As horrible as your father sounds, there is a bit of me that doesn’t really understand why your mother or husband didn’t do anything and that is disappointing.

But failing that, you have the right to stand up for yourself too and you do not need to sit there in tears whilst somebody makes fun of you, even if they are your father. I hope that comes across in the way it is intended which is not critical, I also had an abusive father and had to draw my own lines at one point.

I can't actually believe he has done this. I literally can't believe he would be this unkind, so I keep questioning whether he did it to be nice as no one surely could be that spiteful.

I think that’s because you are kind and care about other peoples feelings, and you can’t comprehend being such a twat.

I do think with people like this, they can be very nasty without having a clear understanding of why they’re doing it. My mum is very resentful and hurtful, but is convinced she’s a nice person. She has said and done very spiteful and hurtful things that it’s clear to me are revenge for me seeing her less or having more success than her at a particular thing. But she wouldn’t see it that way because she is quite narcissistic and can’t see herself as anything but perfect.

So it isn’t necessarily that your father consciously thought “hee hee I’ll make her suffer”. He probably justified it to himself somehow. But it was driven by resentment/nastiness underneath.

Was there any reason someone else couldn't have turned the video off?
Who made him king for a day anyway?
But no, YANBU. He's a prick.

So your Dad is a dickhead. Your initial thoughts were correct. I am afraid he (or your mum) deserve no more chances

This was clearly your punishment for standing up to him previously, he was reasserting his dominance over you.
At least you know he hasn’t changed and you were right to go NC, stay that way now

I bet it was no coincidence that he waited until your DH wasn't there. It was cruel and manipulative and your mum should have stood up for you as well.

You should be very proud of yourself that you have dealt with your eating disorders, that you have a healthy relationship with your DH, one which you never saw modelled as a child and most of all that you raised empathetic and supportive children. That shows real strength of character

OP, why are you letting your mum get away with this too? She just busied herself in the kitchen when she saw you upset. She begged you to come and then just allowed this to happen. She can f*ck off too. Abusers rarely change but what's her excuse?

Don’t put yourself in that position again

Let your mother know that it hurt and you’ll not be returning to be further subjected to this treatment of not respecting your wishes

@Aprilx the OP has said her DH was out walking the dogs & immediately said they needed to leave as soon as he came back & saw what was going on. Her mother, OTOH, avoided the situation by going into the kitchen.

He abused you when you were alone then?
Utter cunt.

I am not condoning what your F did

You asked him not to show the films

Why didn't you leave then ? Or go into another room, or go out for a walk, remove yourself from the situation ?

He couldn’t ‘behave’ for one day. One day. When relations have been strained for so long thanks to him in the first place.

He didn’t listen to you. He knew you were uncomfortable and did it anyway.

Like misty I wish someone else would have stood up and turned it off.

Like we you, if this was me, then this would be it. I’d think to myself that I’d been nice enough to give him a chance but he blew it.

Onwards and upwards.

Thank you all for your replies, because it was a kind of gaslighting experience. It seemed so innocent, lets get some old family films out, but I knew I just knew they would not be the sweet ones of us as toddlers as Christmas or my first Christmas, something the children may actually want to see, but something horrible. I knew immediately before he even played them that they were not going to be very nice, and that is so messed up.

I don't think I should give him the satisfaction of telling my mother I am really hurt, he will just say I am ' too sensitive' and it will give him the chance to play the victim and say it was all my fault because he was just being 'nice'. I have been here before, and that is how it played out when I tried to talk about it.
I think it might be better to simply say to my mother you had the Christmas you wanted now, but it doesn't change anything going forward (ie no contact).

Oh you poor thing.

The beautiful thing with families OP, is how constantly they grow, change and evolve. As a child you had an awful family, they bullied you, harassed you and abused you.

Now? You are the matriarch of your own family. You have a loving, kind and supportive husband who adores and respects you. You have beautiful children who worship you, who you have taught to be thoughtful and empathic and considerate.

Your family is beautiful.

Those nasty fuckers? The Father who is an abusive bully? The Mother who enables that abuse? They’re only your parents, they aren’t your family and you never, ever have to see them again if you don’t want. Their treatment of you is not your fault.

I’m so sorry that you had to go through that but at least you will never wonder what if and you will never beat yourself up for not giving them a chance. They ruined it, not you. Your kindness is never something to regret or be ashamed of - it’s their loss. Not yours.

Extra we in there for some reason. Sorry.

He’s a sadist. And he’s your father. You have a sadistic father.

As your parents, he knows how you tick, or how you used to tick. Instead of loving your for it, he’s using the knowledge against you for his own gain. Unimaginably cruel.

So sorry