Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

[Fairylights25]

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

@Fairylights25 I am so so sorry for what your Dad did also. I've just realised that I've been so wrapped up in my own flashbacks that I've failed to support you in your Dad's heinous actions and the reason for this thread to begin with. Your Dad sounds a passive aggressive Narc who I'd be keeping him as far from your kids as you can.
Please enjoy your time with your wonderful DH & teens. They sound amazing and I'm incredibly envious in that sense! I'm a single parent and ohhhh the times I wished I had a DH to rescue me/comfort me. You fully deserve happiness in your new family. Forget the old.
I'm sure your mum is a victim also however she has made the choice to not escape, in a society where there is tons of help for those escaping abusive partners. There's simply no excuse.

I hope you have a wonderful New Year 🥂

@Mix56

It was deliberate, it was not a joke, it was not funny. You should have stood up & left.

Except she couldn't

@Fairylights25

I am back and my bulimia has definitely restarted, but that is okay tomorrow is a new day and I can try and eat again tomorrow. Perhaps it is unrealistic to think today would be easier. I have teens, so have to be really careful about it. It felt like the stress was bringing everything up rather than forcing to be sick. This is what toxic childhoods do, they leave all sorts of legacies, most of them I have conquered and handled.

I agree he choose a difficult time in my life, whether by accident or on purpose to put me back in my place, to remind me that I am not the powerful strong person I thought I had grown into, that he can take me down again whenever he feels like it. A total power move. I really see that now, after some fresh air and reading the posts on here. It was putting me back in my place, and to a point he succeeded, but I am now on chapter 4 nanny thank you for that poem and he has shown me that second, third, or even a hundred chances will never work. I am going to run down the clock until I never have to deal with him again. Sounds harsh but honestly it is him or me.

I have spent my whole life running away, so now I am going to stop running. I spoke to my dc this evening and dh and they all said what a horrible thing it was to do and they would have hated it. They are in no rush to ever go back.

I tried, I suppose if anything I can say I tried, and it is never going to work and thats okay. It really stings and hurts, as I still love him on some level and it is hard to walk away again, even the smallest glimmer of hope I guess must have been there. Every time we see him someone gets hurt (usually me, but not always sometimes it has been dc)

I can't honestly thank you all enough without tears brimming in my eyes for being the amazing people that you are and helping me through this. You are ten million times better than my own family - Thank you.

@Fairylights25 Have you had counselling? (sorry if I've missed it) In fact, whether you have or not, you could really do with talking this through with a professional who might be able to give you coping strategies on how to move forward (preferably cutting them both out of your life) and taking some control over your bulimia rather than it controlling you.

I have absolutely no training, but I do wonder if there is some form of PTSD going on with the way you were treated as a child a) by one of the people who should love and protect you and b) not being protected by the other one who should love you.

My Dad was an unpleasant man, and I can see why now in terms of his own upbringing. Luckily for me, dh was always willing to take the flak and deal with him when I couldn't. He even called my Dad a cunt to his face when my Dad was asking if dh knew my Mum had left him. Dh did know as Mum was staying with us on her return to the UK.

I only felt free OP when my Dad died. I was very low contact with him anyway, but when he died it was like a weight lifted off my shoulders, and,I could be the me I am as opposed to the version my Dad expected me to be.

I'm so sorry to read so many testimonies of the abuses inflicted on helpless children, either directly or by enablers. Being able to find the strength and courage to say no, to call an end and shut the door - I can't imagine what that must take. Love to you all, to your supportive partners and your children, for a better 2022.

💞🤗💞🤗💞🤗💞🤗💞🤗💞

I found it easier to forgive, forget and have a relationship with my parents until I had children of my own, and realised the level of dysfunction and violence present in my own childhood so shocking. When I held my tiny children I could not comprehend how anyone could ever hit them, or hurt them or be unkind or go through what had happened to me. I felt an inner rage like nothing I have ever felt before, and found it very hard to even look at them after my first child. I know just what you mean.

I was incredulous as I compared my own experience to that of my own child, my eyes were forced open and I had to see the truth.

After that, everything nasty little thing he did became an issue, and I could not look past it and say 'oh well thats just Dad he is somewhat damaged'. It wasn't okay anymore, and the more the awareness of my past took hold, the harder it has been to have any kind of relationship with them. People used to say you will feel so grateful and appreciate your parents when you have dc of your own, but for me it was the total reverse. I saw them with new eyes, having been conditioned to put up with any amount of covert or overt abuse before realising just how bad things are/were.

I don't have counselling anymore, I kind of felt like it was making things worse at the time, and I needed to move on and allow myself to be happy. Every week I felt so broken by the counselling, and I felt it was tipping me into a dark place so I stopped. Has anyone else had that experience?

I am feeling better today. Had a salad, kept it down. I have the resources to get over this, I have done it many times before and I can do it again, and having all of you to talk to has helped me so much. I just wish there wasn't so many of us that have experienced the same.

Perhaps the wrong counsellor/type of counselling?

They don't all fit

*weren't

OP - every single thing you've said on this thread has demonstrated what a kind and lovely person you are, compared with your frankly evil father.

Don't be cross with yourself for trying one more time. Yes, you were wrong to think he deserved another chance, but your desire for everything to be ok just came out of your totally understandable and very human desire to have a loving relationship with your parents. That must be a very, very hard hope to let go of. That doesn't reflect badly on you - quite the opposite.

He sounds like a truly vile person, and what he's done to you is not forgivable. Neither is your mother's failure to protect you. You have your own lovely family now - and it sounds like they've got your back.

None of this means you're not a strong adult woman. It's just that the dynamic between you and your parents was created when you were a child, and you've not had the opportunity for it to mature and grow as it would in a living and supportive family. You learned to fear him as a child- of course you can't stand up to him. Practically nobody would be able to in your situation.

@crazyjinglist such wise words

Much less serious than what op went through but I experienced some bullying behaviour by an older man (not a relative of partner). When I met him years later I still couldn’t stand up to him at all and I felt right back to being 18 again. I thought I had moved on but seeing him I was right back to where I was when I first encountered him.

Not a relative or partner I meant

Its the fact that you asked him not to and he went ahead anyway. What a dickhead! Try to look at it from an adults point of view rather than when you were a child. He no longer has any hold over you. You are in control. Happiness is the best revenge. Your kids sound amazing. You gave him the benefit of the doubt and he abused that. Total shithead and not worth anymore of your tears or energy.

Sending hugs OP - as a recovering bulimic following a toxic father and enabling mother, with a father who has continued to make fun of my body over the years I completely recognise the fear and the freeze. I describe myself as recovering because I know I am a small step of going back to bulimia as it gave me a sense of control as well as making me even more ashamed of myself which despite four children and a wonderful DP still lurks within me. But we have chosen well - we have both chosen DPs who love us and have helped us raise children who recognise cruelty when they sit it and reject the behaviour out of hand. But more important you beat this awful ED before- and that you did for yourself and by yourself - yes you had help but you chose to use it and to stop. All power to you. You have this. We survivors have this.

I am not a weak person, and can be quite forthright when I need to be but with him I just can't. I have no idea why.

Because he got at you from when you were a small child.

Yes, counselling broke me- it does that to most people. Reliving trauma will do that to anyone. It breaks you with the aim to help you by the end. You can't get past all the horrible experiences without talking about them. I tried time and pushing the feelings down but it comes out in different ways. For you it seems to come out in your relationship with food. Some control for you but also some punishment too. Punishment you don't deserve x

This is one of the reasons I'm so cautious about "counselling".

Many many years of training in psychotherapy, or psychoanalysis gives you the capacity to help someone through their issues, and get them to a place where they're able to leave most sessions capable of pulling themselves together.
1, 2 or even 3 years of CBT etc just won't do it. Some providers will be able to do it, but there are far too many people out there setting out their shingle, and leaving clients in pieces.

If you want something that will genuinely help you file away the feelings without weeks or months of examination, I can thoroughly recommend emdr .

Obviously you still need someone with a good background in therapy, but I've found it incredible.

It was for the PTSD elements of my childhood, but that had pretty much covered all of it.

It helps you file away the experiences, so you don't forget them, but they're out there somewhere, not raw and just under the surface iywim.

And yes, what you describe is exactly what my psychologist would describe as ptsd. Physical reactions, anticipatory anxiety stopping you from functioning, and the triggering of previous "coping mechanisms" such as bulimia.

The actual process is tough, but after one session I stopped having nightmares, and after 3-4 nearly all my anxiety had receded. It all comes to the fore again at moments of extreme stress, contact with parents etc, but 1 or 2 more sessions do the work.

I have to top up once or twice a year now.

Doesn't get rid of the past but puts it back in its box, where it belongs.

You’re doing great op - despite what that arsehole did. What an achievement to have ended up with your own great little family after all you went through.
I really hope you can continue to keep those meals down. Please don’t let what’s happened make you relapse. Take it one meal at a time. You’ve achieved so much. You can do this too.

I am back on an even keel, I can feel the some equilibrium returning now I am back in my home.
I managed to spring clean the whole house, took down the decorations, reclaimed some happiness and even laughed yesterday. Made a plan for the future, and decided that eating just salad for now will help me eat again. Just slow steps to try and fight back the urge that many of us recognise with EDs.

I am looking carefully at the consequences to my own teens if I end up in trouble with an ED again, and wonder why Christmas or seeing any family members could ever be worth it. It is not worth the fall out to my well being, the kids, my poor husband. I am making a cast iron guarantee to myself that I will never do this again. My poor dc have had a shell of a mother for the last few days.

My father has been quite honest about not loving me all of my life, I learnt to accept that a long time ago. He doesn't even like me and has been very open about this, he sees me/us only 'for my mother's benefit'

I realised that when I see him I can feel his dislike and hatred radiating towards me, like an invisible and sometimes visible negative energy. It kind of reflects back in self hatred, I then start to dislike myself, body and the inner critic starts up that if I was this, that or the other he might like me. I know this isn't true, I could be the most outstanding person in the world and he would still find something to criticise.

Shaking off the shroud he leaves me with is always the biggest hurdle. Fortunately as the years have gone by I have felt less and less for him, so things are easier than they used to be when I was still dependent on him as a child. I can move past it with a great deal of effort.

I will look into EDMR it sounds really interesting and helpful, thank you for recommending it and for all of your kind messages, that are helping me really feel so much better. Like a wave of comfort washing over me and I know I can't change him, but I can keep away from the harm he causes. I no longer have to freeze in fear, I can choose to be elsewhere, with people that love me.

Please don’t let this incident set you back on your recovery. It’s not fair on you, your dh or your children.
Addictions and disorders feed off these feelings “you were made to feel bad so I’ll come along and make you feel better” they whisper. Whether that’s saying “I will just eat salad” if you’ve an ED, or “I can just have beer” if you have a drinking issue. But it’s a fallacy.

So pleased to read your update, @Fairylights25 - you've come so far, so quickly this time and you've been able to analyse the situation so clearly - this is such a positive. Please don't blame yourself for your children having a shell of you for the last few days - they understand, judging by the way they supported you and stood up for you. I love the last few lines of your post, you sound calmed and comforted. I wish you all the very best - you absolutely deserve it.

You have worked so hard to establish your own boundaries in your adult life and then, just like that, he takes you all the way back to being a teenager with zero boundaries. No wonder you couldn't stand up. Reassert yourself in whatever way you need to.

You can hold your head high, knowing that you gave him (and your mother) one final chance. He blew it and acted appallingly.
No more.
No more chances.
Go forward knowing you're another day free from him.
You have your DH and your children. That's all you need

Great update from a wonderful, strong woman.

Focusing on your family and how much they need their mum well is a fantastic focus for your thoughts.

Stay well

What a great post OP . You have a lot of insight, which will help you stay resolved.

Your post sums up the experience of seeing an awful father really well.

Just one note about EMDR; it can be amazing, but the assessor needs to be good. For most people it's great, but for a tiny minority it can be counterproductive. It is a small minority tho!

You are amazingly strong.