Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

[Fairylights25]

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

I think it's also completely understandable that you are sad now; you are mourning the parental love and respect you didn't receive, both yesterday and when you were younger. But you've done really well to have survived and managed as well as you have. You should be proud.

Now trying to convince dh that we need to go somewhere, anywhere for Easter, their birthdays and Christmas indefinitely. I am not putting myself in that position ever again.

Please don't make your life a series of times when you run away.
Simply ignore those people because they are not nice and go away only if you, DH and kids will all enjoy it.

Have a lovely dinner with them this evening.

Your husband didn't have your back at all did he?

You know your father is an abusive waste of space but your husband? Nah. Not good.

@SunshineCake1 how on earth do you get that out of op’s post?

“ My dh was walking the dogs and only came back at the end, and could see the horror on my face as he walked in, and suggested immediately now was a good moment to head home because of the traffic”

If you mean this bit @SunshineCake1 I think that was a perfect response by her dp

Your mum got you back there to go through some ordeal or other, didn't she? She must have known he wouldn't just be nice to you, so many years of experience would have told her that, if she doesn't have the common sense to realise it. So it was akin to a deliberate act on her part. She knew there would be pain for you, and when it came she walked away and left you to suffer it.

I could not forgive that. Imagine your own dc, and throwing them to the wolves. You can't, can you? I look at my own child and try to imagine someone deliberately causing him anguish and distress and my letting that happen... NOPE. Because my job as parent is to protect him from evil where I can, and that's where your mum is doing the worst job, because she set you up for that. She might not have known exactly what your father would do, but she knew that he would do something. What do you expect from a pig but a grunt?

I couldn't get past that, and I would be going no contact with both of them.

I think your mum has a large part to play here - why didn't she stick up for you? Making herself busy in the kitchen is basically giving him the ok to carry on with his vile behaviour.
Cut them both off, they are sick & sadistic. Thankfully you've got a lovely DH & kids. Big hugs 🎄

Sorry. I completely misread the OP. I see that your dh did have your back and get you out if there.

@MissHavershamReturns

“ My dh was walking the dogs and only came back at the end, and could see the horror on my face as he walked in, and suggested immediately now was a good moment to head home because of the traffic”

If you mean this bit @SunshineCake1 I think that was a perfect response by her dp

I have only read part of the first page. I have seen more of the OPs post and see she said about her dh. Would have been good to have that in the first post. I didn't think he had her back as she didn't mention him

Apologies @Fairylights25.

It’s quite a common pattern in female EDs - a controlling, dominating father and placating, submissive mother.

That’s certainly the case for the 2 friends of mine who had anorexia/bulimia.

He punished you for going no contact with him. He’s a sociopath and you never have to see him again if you don’t want to.

Forget spending money to avoid him at holiday periods - just tell them you won’t see them.

If it were me, I’d tell your mum straight that he’s a sociopath and she’s weak, and she will be Christmasing with him alone for the rest of her life. That there is no point inviting you for holiday/birthday celebrations as you will never go.

First off OP, there is notjing wrong with expressing your grief, better out than in.

Give yourself permission to have the ugly cry and get it out.

Stop worrying about the future.

I think if you find a good therapist to help you, you will be able resolve your concern for the future.

Lots of people don't see family at Christmas.

Getting help to assist you accept your reality and help you move forward.

Don't allow these awful people determine your family traditions.

They don't deserve the power.

Your father is a horror and your mother chose herself ahead of her children.

You are now choosing YOU, your children, your husband and you will do EXACTLY what you please going forward.

Do not allow them to drive you from your home during any holidays.

Don't start worrying about the future today, you don't need to do that.

Focus on today and feeling what you feel.

Get through today.

You are a very strong woman.

You have survived a shocking childhood and built a happy, loving family around you.

You are one of the very definitions of a successful person IMO.

You don't need to make decisions, solve future questions today.

Grieve, allow yourself to feel and belief that '22 will be a better year for you.

I don't think there is any doubt that it was done deliberately to cause you discomfort, embarrassment and even pain.

Why a father would want to do that to their own child (even as an adult) is one for the psychiatrists.

It sounds like your DCs and DH are solidly on your side and refuse to let themselves be manipulated by him.

Concentrate on them from now on and let him live out a sad, bitter and lonely old age.

I am really sad, unbelievably upset about it without really understanding why as it is 'just' an old video from twenty years ago but I am mortified.

Because your gut is screaming the truth at you - your horrible father set out to humiliate & undermine you.

Your DC knew it, your DH must know it too ... you got sucked back into his manipulative, nasty web, & he chose to hurt you. I am really sorry he did that, & also sorry you never got the father all kids deserve.

BUT your own children have your back. That must feel good. And you, they, & DH never need see your father again. Use this an an opportunity to say "never again, you nasty old man", & mean it. I hope the thought of never having to deal with him in person again gives you a lot of relief

Hi OP - could you reframe this? Yes, I believe your father did this on purpose, yes your mother was complicit. However, you can now hand on heart say you tried and it didn’t work - protect yourself by never seeing either of them again. So glad you have a supportive DH and DC, it makes a big difference. Good luck, stay safe.

@NannyGythaOgg love that poem. I will keep it to refer to. I am probably on chapter 4 now. I would like to be chapter 5.

With hindsight you should have told him if he puts it on then you are going home. Then got up and got your things together. You are an adult now and dont have to put up with his shit. What an awful man. Good job you have a good support around you. And like others have said your mum is just as much to blame. So sorry you had to go through this but you can cut them both out now and try and move on. Look how far you have come. Don’t let an awful twat of a man and a mother who didn’t stick up for you spoil all your hard work.

What an awful, toxic man. I’d suggest this is his method of control — my house, I’ll do what I want and make you feel crap. I’m showing everyone I can do what I want.
He also did it deliberately when your DH was out walking the dogs.

Please don’t have further contact with him. It’s disappointing your mother won’t stand up to him.

Enjoy your day with your lovely family and DC, they are the ones that matter, don’t waste another second on the side of your family that don’t give a shit. 💐

He will always be a nasty prick who does not care about your feelings. Christmas day, or not.

Enjoy your dinner out and in future years I hope you can reclaim Christmas as a lovely time to spend with lovely people, either at home or away.

It's absolutely awful what he did, they did.

To try and see something good come out of this you can look back at this day and say 'THAT is exactly why we're never seeing my mum and dad again'. You never need to consider whether you should or shouldn't see them again. You can be absolutely sure you shouldn't! I have a similar experience and it's actually liberating because when the person gets in touch with other people to see if they'll see them I can say 'No. Absolutely not. Last time we spoke they said X'. And it's such an awful thing (like yours) it closes down that conversation with no arguments. Liberating because I can use the same reason for ever and it never loses its power.

I quite like the suggestion upthread of reframing it as 'I gave it my best shot, no one can say I didn't try to make it work', because you did and is not on you anymore.

Your dad sounds toxic and a shit parent.
Your husband and children stuck up for you when you needed it which tells me that you are a better parent and have a better partner.
Sending hugs.

He played those videos to try to make you feel 'not good enough' - for gods sake don't allow him that. Your mother prefers to bury her head in the sand, maybe she is a victim too. Whatever the case they are a toxic combination and you should stick to the people who really love you and care for you, your dh and kids.

You know what look at this as a gift.

He has confirmed to you what you knew. Now in the future if you ever have any doubts you can remember this and know what a horrible person he is. Never again do you have to doubt that maybe he’s not that bad, etc.

My mum did something vile to me from beyond the grave after she died and although it was very upsetting at the time I’m glad she did it now. Because I will always know how evil she was.