Page 5 | Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

Ourlady · 26/12/2021 13:48

I'm so sorry you had to endure your fathers abuse again OP but this has concreted the knowledge that he will and always be an abusive bastard, strong words but that is exactly what he is.
Your husband sounds utterly amazing.
Your children sound utterly amazing.
Be proud in the fact that you have raised such respectful and loving children and have chosen a husband who loves you dearly and who has your back no matter what.
Your parents should be considered irrelevant in your life.
They no longer matter and do not deserve any place in your mind.

Blanketpolicy · 26/12/2021 13:48

I know it is difficult, when someone is this toxic and controlling you need to take control back. Tell them clearly not to play the film, if they persist leave the room with your dc, phone your dh to come back as you are leaving and say exactly to your parents why.

Until you are able to stand up to him you are best to remain NC.

AngryAtAssholes · 26/12/2021 13:52

So sorry @Fairylights25 - you have two abusive parents.
Your mother knows what your father is like, guilted you into going round then fucked off when he started his mind games.

You might feel that drawing a line with her gives him satisfaction but I think you underestimate just how cutting it can be to these people when their former victims tell them clearly and calmly that their games have come to an end.

They have seen how brilliantly caring your children and DH are ; they won’t be able to tell themselves that you are worse off for cutting them out.

You have a loving, caring family of your own, you don’t need these two disgraces.

SleepingStandingUp · 26/12/2021 13:53

I'm sorry op.

I thought you were going to say they were videos of you as a baby, so perhaps he thought you were being silly and the kids would love to see 4year d you talking to the garden gnome. But it does sound like he was trying to provoke a reaction.

Take heart that you have clearly picked a better man to raise a family with, you haven't fallen into the cycle of abuse. And sounds like your kids are wonderful.

Def nc with him, and I'd have to give serious consideration to seeing your Mom

AngelinaFibres · 26/12/2021 13:54

@NeverDropYourMooncup

There is an alternative way that might help take away some of his power.

Trying to reframe those videos as proof of how far you have come since those days. You aren't in the toxic environment he created, you aren't punishing yourself with food or without food in an attempt to be too big to be pushed around or so small you could vanish (or whatever motivations there were to cope with his abuse), you have gone on to be healthy and happy and have a supportive husband and lovely teens.

Could it be possible that you could try to see it as 'Yes, it shows just how unhappy I was - and now I'm in a completely different place.'?

He's puffed up with his own importance and high on having the power to hurt you - he needs deflating. And there's nothing an abuser hates more than realising they've lost their power over you.

Beautifully put. The best revenge is a brilliant life.A life that has no need of him in it

QueeniesCroft · 26/12/2021 13:59

My father was also abusive- very kind of abuse except sexual. From repeating the cycle over and over again before I finally recognised the pattern, and stopped it., I have learnt a way to manage it without drama and with no affect on my kids (he was starting to bully them and pick favourites in very much the same way he did with me and my siblings).

I now know that I can have a friendly and almost affectionate relationship with both of my parents, but only if I never actually have to see them in person. I have reached the stage where I feel kindly towards them, but also know without a doubt that this is only because they moved away from me and contact is limited to very occasional phone calls. If I cut them off completely, then they ramp up their efforts and become a bloody nuisance, but if I send Christmas and birthday gifts and make short calls periodically, they are much more easily manageable. I recently started thinking that they aren't so bad, and I should make the effort (2 days travel!) to visit them. I won't though, because I know that all my good work will be undone if I do, and I will have to start again.

When my parents die, I will probably feel regret that I didn't see them more and try harder. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that this is better than how I would feel if I attempted to maintain the normal relationship with then that I have always craved.

Cindie943811A · 26/12/2021 14:04

OP when reading your opening post and anticipating what was coming I cringed and found it hard to finish.
I believe you did not misread the situation as a minority of posters her intimated. Your father was being deliberately cruel and this should transpire to be his last chance.
Enjoy your delightful and supportive family and go nc with your father and very limited contact with your DM.

Thwackit · 26/12/2021 14:06

It would have been quite clear to anyone watching your reaction that you were distressed. He chose to continue. Cut or minimise contact with him, OP. Life is too short to involve people that make you feel this awful and don’t care, either. That includes nasty parents.

AcrossthePond55 · 26/12/2021 14:07

Whilst I understand the satisfaction of OP telling her mum off, I think that there's really no point. Mum is so enmeshed and emotionally dependent on 'that man' that all she'll do is downplay and most likely turn the situation on OP in defense of her own inaction.

Dignified silence and IF Mum brings up Christmas herself, then saying "No, I didn't have a good time it was horrible". And as was suggested upthread, respond to any further 'invitations' with "No. Remember Xmas? That's why" and refuse to discuss further.

YourenutsmiLord · 26/12/2021 14:08

My mother could see my reaction perfectly and suddenly made herself busy in the kitchen.
Well you know what to say next time she guilts you into visiting.
Can't believe he was so nasty.

montysma1 · 26/12/2021 14:10

Could you not all have left the room and left him sitting there with the projector on his own?

daretodenim · 26/12/2021 14:13

@montysma1

Could you not all have left the room and left him sitting there with the projector on his own?

No. This was an abusive act by him and OPs response (freeze) was totally normal. She couldn't leave the room because she couldn't move.

It's an utterly awful feeling. If you don't know it, seriously, just count yourself lucky.

RosiePosieDozy · 26/12/2021 14:14

That's awful. I guarantee your instincts are right. He did this to hurt you. He does seem like a pyscopath. Please never see him again. You should not be putting yourself and your children anywhere near this man. You mum's clearly never going to try and put a stop to it.

CalamityJane2022 · 26/12/2021 14:14

Horrible man, you are not being sensitive, he is nasty.

Thank God you have your own lovely family, do not let him derail you. Never see him or your mother (she should have had your back) again.

Nailsbythesea · 26/12/2021 14:16

@Fairylights25

I had therapy for a bit because of all of this, and my psychotherapist actually said she thought he was a psychopath, I thought it was a bit strong at the time, but now I think she has a point.

Thank you for your help with this, because I was genuinely wondering whether I need to get a grip and it is just a film, but on a deep level it feels much more than that, it feel so awful I can't really explain it. Like an utter violation. I did leave, which I am proud of I did eventually say enough is enough without a scene, I wish I had done it the minute he put it on. I really regret that because all I can see is my horrible body and it keeps flashing up in my mind the whole sorry scene.

I am never going there again.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. But it's PTSD -he chose when you were with your children and your DH wasn't there. Maximum abuse. Your mum is an enabler.

He could be a psychopath -but it doesn't matter he is highly highly abusive.

He knew you would have a trauma response. We freeze. We know we should leave and run but we can't.

I've been there. 12 months ago I was living with my parents - my father shouted at me so much I went upstairs and wet myself. I took it. You do anything not to make his response worse. Never ever see this man again-as for your mother she is abusive too. As she allows him to do this.

Please go back to therapy. Cut ALL contact with both forever. Funerals the lot. Go to the stately home thread.

Twaddle1982 · 26/12/2021 14:17

The reason why he did this is very simple- he did it too punish you. He’s an abusive pos and you stood up to him. Not only did you stand up to him you denied him access to future victims- his grandchildren.

He knew he had one chance to get his revenge. While your dh was out. So he took it.

Never see the man again. Never. Not even on his deathbed. Because you will go to see him on his deathbed and he will behave exactly the same.

He did this to punish you. Its not your fault. You gave him a chance. He has shown not only you but his grandchildren exactly what he does with chances.

Tell your mother she was wrong to not stop him and I would go low contact with her too. Explain that if she tries to force any kind of contact with him again then you will never speak to her again. The door is closed.

Im sorry he did this too you.

CeibaTree · 26/12/2021 14:17

At least you know that although you gave him one final chance he hasn't changed. Your mum can never guilt trip you into seeing him again as you gave it one more go and he behaved despicably.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 14:19

@Fairylights25

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

Because he's abusive. Because he knew it would hurt. Because he was punishing you for avoiding him Because he could.

Where was your mother in all this?

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 14:21

@Frazzled50yrold

As a parent, regardless of how vile he's been in the past, he perhaps didn't see the younger you in the way that you do. He should have listened to you when you protested about the films but I'm not sure he was being deliberately nasty.

OFGS.

Are you someone who has to try and find the positive when there clearly isn't any?

He was deliberately vile

PieMistee · 26/12/2021 14:26

You now have all the power. Walk away with the knowledge that you have created a warm loving family, with wonderful children who love you and a husband who has your back. He had a chance, he fucked it. His loss. You have lost nothing as he wasn't worth gaining. End all further contact. And warm yourself with all the love around you.

Brainwave89 · 26/12/2021 14:29

Ahhh okay, so he waited till your DH had gone out. All abusers pick their timing OP. Never see him again.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 14:32

@WonderfulYou

he perhaps didn't see the younger you in the way that you do. He should have listened to you when you protested about the films but I'm not sure he was being deliberately nasty

I agree with this.

I think in this situation he wasn’t doing it deliberately to hurt or embarrass you so I think you are being slightly sensitive.

However, it may just be you are not ready to be around him yet.
He has obviously done lots of things in the past which he shouldn’t have so you are going to be sensitive to anything he does. And I think it was very brave and kind of you to even bother going to theirs.

It’s ok to not want to see him but if you do it may be better to see him in your own home or outside so you feel more in control and situations like the above are less likely to happen.

Slightly Sensitive?

Words actually fail me.

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 14:34

I am reading every single post, and I am sorry I can't reply to each one.

To answer a few questions, I can't call him out and have never been able to as I am afraid of him (there said it) I am afraid it will blow up into a huge incident, and couldn't risk it with my children being there. I am not sure I could do it if they were not there, I can still feel terrified of him even though I am adult.

My mother is also afraid of him, I can't see her ever doing it. She just makes herself disappear somewhere.

The only thing I can do is leave and avoid him. I once stood up to him on the phone, and it turned into a massive argument and he said some truly awful things. I am not a weak person, and can be quite forthright when I need to be but with him I just can't. I have no idea why.

OP posts:

PrincessNutella · 26/12/2021 14:35

You asked him to stop. He didn't. The evidence is in plain sight. Don't doubt yourself. He has always harmed you.

RepentMotherfucker · 26/12/2021 14:40

He's using your mum to abuse you too. Her calling and pleading with you is part of the whole thing. You probably feel sorry for her but it's not your job to save her from him and not something you can do anyway. I would go NC with both of them and make it clear to her that your door is open to her if she ever manages to leave him.

Or you could make it clear to her that you won't allow her to speak about him or make representations on his behalf but you'll then still be in play as far as he is concerned I should think.