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Original poster

Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

251 replies

Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 12:19

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

OP posts:
Waterfallgirl · 26/12/2021 13:14

To answer your thread title question @Fairylights25 - yes he did.

He will never change, neither will your enabling mother.

Please look after yourself, and know you don’t ever have to see him or be there again.

MeridianB · 26/12/2021 13:14

I’m o sorry this happened to you, OP.

He clearly chose the moment your DH had gone to take control and deliberately humiliate you. His need to control and dominate was more important than you, his grandchildren, his wife, and any future relationships.

I’m sorry to say this but your mother disappearing and allowing this to continue makes her equally guilty, even if she didn’t know he was planning it beforehand. She would have heard your protestations and still did nothing. Is she being emotionally abused too? It’s not excuse but perhaps explains her lack of support.

Take your time to process this and try not to let it spoil your time with your family. Just step through it with your DH and friends (and therapist?) at your pace and find peace with going NC with both of them.
💐

thatsallineed · 26/12/2021 13:15

Today is the day that you tell your mother that you will never set foot in their house again.

Opal8 · 26/12/2021 13:21

He's a cunt.
And your mother is an enabling bitch too.

crummyusername · 26/12/2021 13:21

Reading this thread has made me grateful I’ve separated from my nasty, narcissistic ex DH. It’s painful when they are with him, and painful when I see how upset they are with the separation. But at least I hope they’ll be able to look back and see I chose not to enable and put up with it, and can give them a haven from his behaviour.

I’m sorry OP for what happened. But at least know others will read your story, and feel stronger that they also don’t have to put up with this. Your DH and kids sound wonderful.

DrManhattan · 26/12/2021 13:24

Learn the lesson and don't give him anymore chances.

billy1966 · 26/12/2021 13:24

OP,

You are no longer a child, stuck in his house.

You left when you felt able and will have learned from this.

It's not even 24 hours later and you have learned so much.

I think your self awareness is fantastic.

Your gut reaction was strong and correct.
Your father is truly awful.
Your mother is no better.
Your mother left you to his mercy AGAIN.

Your children have none of his traits and held your hand, because THEY recognised his behaviour as wrong.

They have seen first hand why you have no wish to be in their company.

Your husband has your back, recognised your father is a prick, and got you all out of there.

There are so many positives from this situation.

You are loved and cared for and have raised lovely teens, who love their mum.

Don't allow your negative thoughts to control you.

Write down the positives, keep them in your pocket and read them every time you feel triggered.

You will NEVER be in this position again.

You can tell your mother at a time of your choosing that you will NEVER be in that position again.

The fact OP is, YOU have ALL the power now.

You NEVER need see either of them again.

Therapy for a few tune up sessions in the new year might be good for you.

Don't allow him to ruin the rest of Christmas.

Flowers
woohoo54 · 26/12/2021 13:26

He sounds awful. Do you ever call him out on it OP? Like just get up and leave the room to not give him the satisfaction?

In any case he sounds awful, let your mum know she's welcome round to visit but he's not as your family all dislike him and think he's a selfish arse.

Wishihadanalgorithm · 26/12/2021 13:26

OP, I just want to give you a massive hug (and I am not the hugging type!).

You have been generous enough to give these two people another chance and all they have done is treat you abusively. In a strange way this is a gift - you know now they have not changed and you are right to be NC.

Continue to build happiness with your own family and know that you did not deserve the treatment these people inflicted on you.

I don’t think I would ever have contact with these people again. They deserve nothing from you; not even an explanation for why you are resuming NC.

Waterfallgirl · 26/12/2021 13:26

And for those saying ‘why didn’t you leave sooner’ or ‘your husband should have done more or your kids’. I think I understand it as follows:

We are sort of programmed that ‘family’ is everything and there’s a view we have of what ‘family’ is.... when this doesn’t come to pass I think it takes our brain some time to process and when faced with a situation we cannot compute we don’t know what to do.

So OPs DH ( I assume) was brought up to respect and be polite when in someone else’s home, and of course that he should respect his wife’s family ..... etc .....so reacting like he did, to make his views to go home known but remain polite is the way he was brought up and how he reacted. The DC - teens - are still navigating the world , they have a lovely set of parents and don’t come across this type of family dynamic. They could see their DM was upset but didn’t know what to or what to say ..... they gave comfort ....which they learned from their mum.

Take care OP.

Longdistance · 26/12/2021 13:26

He’s made sure he looks like a complete dick to your family. At least they know to avoid him.
You need to contact your m and tell her that you will NEVER ever visit them or see them again.

woohoo54 · 26/12/2021 13:26

And also stop thanking them and being polite. Call a spade a spade and leave.

WonderfulYou · 26/12/2021 13:27

he perhaps didn't see the younger you in the way that you do. He should have listened to you when you protested about the films but I'm not sure he was being deliberately nasty

I agree with this.

I think in this situation he wasn’t doing it deliberately to hurt or embarrass you so I think you are being slightly sensitive.

However, it may just be you are not ready to be around him yet.
He has obviously done lots of things in the past which he shouldn’t have so you are going to be sensitive to anything he does. And I think it was very brave and kind of you to even bother going to theirs.

It’s ok to not want to see him but if you do it may be better to see him in your own home or outside so you feel more in control and situations like the above are less likely to happen.

Waterfallgirl · 26/12/2021 13:27

@billy1966 wise words.

BedisBliss · 26/12/2021 13:28

This was him demonstrating his power over you. You have a wonderful husband and children who will be disgusted by his actions and clearly love you. Have nothing more to do with this man and know that he is probably jealous of what you have. Sending you hugs.

Waterfallgirl · 26/12/2021 13:28

@WonderfulYou

he perhaps didn't see the younger you in the way that you do. He should have listened to you when you protested about the films but I'm not sure he was being deliberately nasty

I agree with this.

I think in this situation he wasn’t doing it deliberately to hurt or embarrass you so I think you are being slightly sensitive.

However, it may just be you are not ready to be around him yet.
He has obviously done lots of things in the past which he shouldn’t have so you are going to be sensitive to anything he does. And I think it was very brave and kind of you to even bother going to theirs.

It’s ok to not want to see him but if you do it may be better to see him in your own home or outside so you feel more in control and situations like the above are less likely to happen.

I couldn’t disagree more with this.
Whatsdamatta · 26/12/2021 13:29

Look what you’ve done op.
You survived an eating disorder (probably brought on by the abuse you suffered) and an unhappy childhood to find yourself with a lovely husband and supportive children who clearly love you so much.
You’ve done so well to achieve all this against the odds. Cut the bastard loose, don’t go back and congratulate yourself on how well you’ve survived. You’ve won here, not him.

me4real · 26/12/2021 13:35

YANBU, presumably he's not completely thick, so it was deliberate. Everyone knows that people tend not to like to see pics of themselves where they don't look good.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 26/12/2021 13:35

He absolutely did this intentionally.

Do not have any contact with him again, or with your mother who obviously enables him.

He's a vile excuse for a father and you owe him nothing.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 26/12/2021 13:41

There is an alternative way that might help take away some of his power.

Trying to reframe those videos as proof of how far you have come since those days. You aren't in the toxic environment he created, you aren't punishing yourself with food or without food in an attempt to be too big to be pushed around or so small you could vanish (or whatever motivations there were to cope with his abuse), you have gone on to be healthy and happy and have a supportive husband and lovely teens.

Could it be possible that you could try to see it as 'Yes, it shows just how unhappy I was - and now I'm in a completely different place.'?

He's puffed up with his own importance and high on having the power to hurt you - he needs deflating. And there's nothing an abuser hates more than realising they've lost their power over you.

me4real · 26/12/2021 13:44

Thank you all for your replies, because it was a kind of gaslighting experience. It seemed so innocent, lets get some old family films out, but I knew I just knew they would not be the sweet ones of us as toddlers as Christmas or my first Christmas, something the children may actually want to see, but something horrible. I knew immediately before he even played them that they were not going to be very nice, and that is so messed up.

Yes, if he had pics of you when you were little, that is the sort of thing people would show if their intentions weren't malign. But he deliberately chose these ones which he knew most people wouldn't want to see of themselves, even people who don't have an ED.

If he explicitly knew about your eating issues, it could even be designed to trigger you. Sad Please try not to give him the satisfaction.

I think if I were you I'd go back into therapy again, and not see him again of course.

For what it's worth, it shows you that you weren't wrong to go no contact, you made the right decision.

FreedomFaith · 26/12/2021 13:45

I'd be going back round, destroying the videos in front of him, shouting at him that he is a disgrace of a human being, not even worthwhile as a human or a father, and that you never want to see him again. Also that he's more stupid than a 3 year old who can understand the word no. Then walk out and never see him again.

Cakeandcardio · 26/12/2021 13:45

He's a right piece of work, isn't he? Absolute wee shit.
One thing I have noticed from reading your posts though is that you have a lovely, supportive husband and children (so clearly you have been a wonderful parent to them), you have also worked hard and overcome a huge battle in your life with your eating- you have won here. I've also noticed that he is still a twisted, vindictive, unkind bustard. So although it's hard to realise today as you are obviously upset, ultimately you have won. You are at home with your lovely family and he is alone in his misery. Try to distract yourself today and put it behind you.

gsaoej · 26/12/2021 13:47

@Whatsdamatta

Look what you’ve done op. You survived an eating disorder (probably brought on by the abuse you suffered) and an unhappy childhood to find yourself with a lovely husband and supportive children who clearly love you so much. You’ve done so well to achieve all this against the odds. Cut the bastard loose, don’t go back and congratulate yourself on how well you’ve survived. You’ve won here, not him.
This is exactly right. You were kind as usual in giving him another chance. He hasn’t changed and won’t change so this was his final chance.
FictionalCharacter · 26/12/2021 13:48

@Hoppinggreen

This was clearly your punishment for standing up to him previously, he was reasserting his dominance over you. At least you know he hasn’t changed and you were right to go NC, stay that way now
This is exactly it. On the positive side, knowing this, you’ll be able to resist your mother’s pleading in future. How awful that she lets him do it (by hiding in the kitchen when she knew he was doing something to upset you). And he’s directly, clearly shown your children who he is. They won’t like him or love him, so he’s lost them. And they won’t think you’re overreacting by going back to NC.