Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11

Original poster

Did my father do this on purpose to really hurt me?

251 replies

Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 12:19

I made a decision to see a parent that treated me very unkindly as a child to put it mildly yesterday. The advice from MN many years ago when he started the same behaviour towards my own children was to stop all contact, which I did as it was the best thing for them.

Fast forward two and a half years, my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent. I considered it for a long time, children are now teenagers and said they were okay with it, dh promised he would make sure he was there for me and I had absolute assurances my father would be fine on the day.

All went well at the beginning, in the sense that we got on okay it was quite strained but civil and nice.

After lunch he said he had old films of me he was going to put on, I asked him not to at least four times. Maybe more actually. I find it very embarrassing. He insisted for the best part of an hour that he would play them anyway, even my children said no he should not put them on, as I clearly so uncomfortable.

He continued to play the films - all of them when I was struggling with my weight and looked absolutely awful in my early twenties the worst footage you could hope to find (I had bulimia at the time and would starve and then binge, binging was clearly winning at the time time)

At this point I was nearly in tears, red hot with embarrassment and demanded he turned it off, he did eventually very slowly not before letting it play for another five minutes. It totally ruined the day for me. Why choose the worst films he can find? Why do this when he knows how things are between us? And at Christmas?

Did he do this on purpose or am I am being over sensitive?

We left five minutes later and thanked them and took the dc home. I feel violated and hurt, and I don't know why.

OP posts:

PanicBuyingSprouts · 26/12/2021 12:51

OP, why are you letting your mum get away with this too? She just busied herself in the kitchen when she saw you upset. She begged you to come and then just allowed this to happen. She can fck off too. Abusers rarely change but what's her excuse*

^This in spades.

Sounds like ones an abuser and ones an enabler. Both as bad as each other.

SnapCackleFlop · 26/12/2021 12:52

Your children sound fantastic and so does your dh! 💐💐

SocialConnection · 26/12/2021 12:52

You know why you feel this way.

You had the bad luck to have an utter arsehole as a father.

You had the strength to cut contact for your own wellbeing and your children's.

You had the kindness to do what your mum pleaded with you to do.

You bore his vile manipulative behaviour for your mum's sake, knowing perfectly well he was embarrassing you deliberately in front of everyone.

And you had the strength to not put yourselves through any more and to take them away from that toxic man's influence.

You're exhausted from all that onslaught of emotion.

I'd say, write to your mum, a kind, clear letter that explains again why you will not be having any more contact with him. I'd also say keep the relationship going with her and your children, as long as he is not there. Yes, her staying with him is her own choosing but you don't know the full details of why she has done that. Fear of leaving can be powerful.

And explain to your children that that was why you don't see Grandad, as he is not a good person for them to be around.

Well done, it must be awful.

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 12:53

My mother has always left me to it, she never challenges him and never will. He is very controlling with her as well.

OP posts:

onedayoranother · 26/12/2021 12:53

After requesting he didn't show the films several times to no avail, I would have got up and left, waiting for your husband in the car (who shouldn't have left you - if the dogs needed walking the kids could have done it). Sadly we tend to return to old family dynamics.

Anordinarymum · 26/12/2021 12:53

@PanicBuyingSprouts

^This in spades.

Sounds like ones an abuser and ones an enabler. Both as bad as each other.

I would like to add to this as I agree. Your mum could have warned you about it so you could have decided whether to go or not.

ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 26/12/2021 12:53

Perhaps you can now give yourself permission to never see him again. You were more than fair and gave him (and your DM) a second chance. They both blew it. He was the same abusive arse he has always been and your DM ducked out of supporting you and hid away in the kitchen.

Take some time to recover then decide what relationships you want with your parents going forward. Your DF sounds utterly toxic so that is probably easy to decide. However, I think you need to consider how you relate to your DM as she handled this very badly.

Unescorted · 26/12/2021 12:56

You have no reason to be embarrassed. Despite the poor example or parenting you were given you have done yourself proud by having brought up your kids to recognise a nasty underhand fuckwit when they see one and help the person in distress.

If you are ever in a similar position just simply ask "And your point is....?" It puts them on the spot and signals that you are not going to be embarrassed by things that cannot be changed.

As for your mother - I am firmly in the camp that says she should be calling you to apologise for pressuring you into putting yourself into that position.

Joystir59 · 26/12/2021 12:57

@Fairylights25
You have a loving and loyal husband and loyal and loving children. It's much to your father's detriment that he cannot be a loyal and loving parent. It is so very much to your credit that you've overcome your eating disorder and grown into a strong loving capable adult woman, wife and parent. All power to you. Your mother has failed to stand up for you. You were not wrong to give your parents another chance. It hasn't worked. Don't let this experience bring you down. Stay risen above, stay strong. You are fab OP.

motheroflions · 26/12/2021 12:57

He waited till your Dh had left to show you films of your life when you were most troubled and ignored your requests to turn them off.

Dont see him again.

( your mother is just as bad by the way - I would have thrown a shoe at my dh if he behaved like that to one of his kids)

Original poster

Fairylights25 · 26/12/2021 12:58

I had therapy for a bit because of all of this, and my psychotherapist actually said she thought he was a psychopath, I thought it was a bit strong at the time, but now I think she has a point.

Thank you for your help with this, because I was genuinely wondering whether I need to get a grip and it is just a film, but on a deep level it feels much more than that, it feel so awful I can't really explain it. Like an utter violation. I did leave, which I am proud of I did eventually say enough is enough without a scene, I wish I had done it the minute he put it on. I really regret that because all I can see is my horrible body and it keeps flashing up in my mind the whole sorry scene.

I am never going there again.

OP posts:

LetsGoThenSanta · 26/12/2021 12:59

How awful for you and your family to go through this.
You said no several times and you were clearly very obviously uncomfortable.
Sounds like your mum is very passive in situations like these but she knew your discomfort too.
Try not to beat yourself up for giving him another chance. But you were right to leave and get out of there. And it is your choice. If you don't want to see him again, you never have to and that is okay.

Totalwasteofpaper · 26/12/2021 13:00

Who is voting YABU!?!?

Yanbu at all.
I also agree your mother is complicit in this and is as bad as him.
Her behaviour, if anything, is more insidious as she presents herself as "nice" while enabling your fathers shittiness.

Double3xposure · 26/12/2021 13:01

@TooWicked

my mother pleaded with me to come for Christmas, which also meant spending a few hours with the other parent

Contact your mum today, and tell her that after yesterday (while it’s still fresh in everyone’s mind so there’s no downplaying what he did or gaslighting you) you will never ever be in his company again, and if she tries to emotionally manipulate you ever again in future, you will cut all contact with her too.

This.

Fluffycloudland77 · 26/12/2021 13:01

So basically your mum invited you round so your dad could have fun abusing you?.

MrsMadderRose · 26/12/2021 13:02

OP remember your body wasn’t, isn’t and never will be horrible. It’s your body, it supported you and kept you alive and got you through in whatever way it could. Having some eating issues is common in people who have had difficult or abusive parents. And as others have said, you have done so much to overcome all of that, and raise your DC differently.

Your horrible father exploited your sense of shame to hurt you. But you can jettison any shame along with him.

AnyFucker · 26/12/2021 13:03

No more chances

Nailsbythesea · 26/12/2021 13:05

@Fairylights25

I am trying to work out if he did this to embarrass me, but find myself imagining being in the same situation, and I would never continue anyway. I would never force that on someone else. I am really sad, unbelievably upset about it without really understanding why as it is 'just' an old video from twenty years ago but I am mortified.

Of course he did it to prove he has control not you.

If you said stop he should stop immediately.

I’m not victim blaming but you leave immediately not an hour later and do not say thank you you say ‘yet again you over stepped the boundaries and were abusive there will be no further contact’ end of

godmum56 · 26/12/2021 13:06

@MrsMadderRose

Oh and I say this as someone who did stop seeing my own abusive father in my early 20s. Another sibling gave him a second chance, he continued to behave appallingly, so no more second chances. It’s OK to have no contact with a nasty hurtful abusive parent. It’s fine.

why can you not belive it? when someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Lindy2 · 26/12/2021 13:06

Well at least your children know now exactly what he us like and why you cut contact.

I would say that yes it was deliberately done to either embarrass or to laugh at you. Even if it wasn't when you said no he should have stopped playing it.

You also should have left. By staying put he had the opportunity to carry on behaving in the way he did.

I'm hoping you don't go back and put yourself in that position again, but if you do find yourself in any kind of similar situation, it is perfectly acceptable for you to stand up and state you are not comfortable with what is being done and you are ending the visit.

AngelinaFibres · 26/12/2021 13:11

@Fairylights25

He had one chance to be decent and kind, I am so angry I have given him another chance. I feel sick and it keeps going over and over. I am a recovered anorexic - bulimic. It has taken so much to overcome the condition and I had successfully managed it (to a point as we are always vulnerable to a relapse) I am now finding it hard to eat again.

You tried , he was a bastard, you NEVER EVER EVER need to try again.

Salome61 · 26/12/2021 13:11

So very sorry he behaved in this way, I believe he deliberately set out to humiliate you - and probably waited for your DH to walk the dogs as well.

I'm no contact with my Dad for over twenty years because of the way he treated my late mother, my 28 and 25 year old son and daughter have never met him. Dreadful as the incident was, your children were witness to his behaviour and will understand your lack of future contact. Some people just cannot be the person you need them to be, so sorry.

Daleksatemyshed · 26/12/2021 13:11

I wonder Op if it was really your DM's idea for you to visit at Christmas? I can imagine the rage and indignation your vile Father felt when you cut him off and this was his plan for revenge? He must know you'd only go for your DM and this was his chance to " get even".
Please, please, don't let him spoil your life again. If you can feel the eating problems trying to surface then talk to your DH, get it out and let him support you. I'm sorry your childhood was so shit but you've come such a long way, be proud Op, be proud

diddl · 26/12/2021 13:11

So your Mum begged for you to go over (at his bidding?) and handed you over to be abused by him again.

AlexandraEiffel · 26/12/2021 13:11

Yep what he did was awful. Your kids sound awesome, you should be so very proud of them, and of yourself for breaking the cycle and bringing them up to be such lovely humans.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 10 11