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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unappreciated. Gone to bed in tears.

169 replies

namechange85479865 · 26/12/2021 01:11

Bought everyone in my family thoughtful gifts, things they actually needed. Spent all year trying to help various family members out of their ruts. Do so much for certain people emotionally, financially and practically. I'm a lone parent (by lone I mean dad not on scene at all). I work full time. I never get a break. I'm exhausted. Christmas Day got not so much as a card. Son was up late and family members (in my home) trying to watch a serious film. Son not allowed to play with his toys because too disruptive to the film. Told over 10 times he's not allowed to play with his new toys because they're noisy. So upset. Adults can watch films whenever they like. Films are not important. Son only gets one Christmas as a 3 year old. I just feel so emotional and under appreciated and like I don't know why I bother. Can't stop crying. Ended up sitting in my room playing with my son on my own so I didn't feel I uncomfortable about ruining the film. I don't think anyone really ever even thinks about me. Or cares.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 11:27

@tillyolsen

I think there's honestly something wrong with me. I've woken up and can't stop crying and I don't even know why anymore. Feel like I've lost the plot a bit. Just feel so sad and hopeless and it's clouding my judgement. I was clearly BU last night
I don't think you were, entirely.

There's obviously something between you and your sibling that's the problem.

RedCandyApple · 26/12/2021 11:38

I don’t think you was that unreasonable op, it’s Xmas day I don’t mind kids staying up later and playing with their toys it’s one day of the year. I think the fact you live with family though changes it as reading your thread sounded like you lived alone to begin with I think that’s why people are being harsh.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/12/2021 11:50

OP reading your other thread, you are clearly very down atm and yes, of course, feeling that level of despair, hopelessness and distress may very well cloud your judgement. Try not to beat yourself up about it.

All the time, effort and caring that you're putting in to other people is really what you would like to receive for yourself and when you don't get the payback you feel you deserve, there's the whiff of burning martyr about you which is putting people off engaging positively with you.

You need to think about what is best for you and your child longer term and work towards a plan to make it come to fruition. Currently your options are limited by your low income and high outgoings on childcare costs. What can you do to increase your longer term earning potential? Are there any courses you can do online to give you extra qualifications? The time, energy and money that you're currently investing in others needs to be diverted to improving your prospects so that you can, in time, live independently, feel fulfilled and better meet you and your child's needs. I do also think you'll probably get a lot more useful and practical support from those around you once they see evidence that you're trying to change your situation for the better.

DrBlackbird · 26/12/2021 12:16

I guess I'm wrong though as a lot disagree

OP please do not listen to these utterly judgemental Scrooge voices on MN and do not let them doubt yourself or invalidate your feelings when they have no idea about you or your situation.

5pm on Christmas Day is early to shut up a 3 yr old and expect them to be silent just so childless adult siblings can watch YouTube videos. We never expected this for our DC. If fact, the whole day was about them. FGS, adults have every other day of the year. Hmm

Don’t be sad, stay angry! And take the advice from the more sensible posters on this thread and think about how to conserve your time and energy for yourself and your son. Make 2022 be about the two of you as much as possible. You’ll feel better by thinking about what you can do to make your DS happy today and by reading up online about communication and assertiveness training suggestions.

Good luck Flowers

DrBlackbird · 26/12/2021 12:18

And you do not have to apologise to your siblings for a 3 year old wanting to play with their presents at 5pm on Christmas Day FGS Hmm

Flowers500 · 26/12/2021 12:26

It’s a ridiculously hard situation all round. You’re unfortunately in the position of having outgrown your childhood home but are not able to move out, and that’s a really hard situation. Nobody is really in the wrong but it’s your parents’ house and you need to be aware of the guests.

You’re not a lodger you’re their child that they’re letting stay on—it’s not a commercial lodger agreement because you wouldn’t be able to get that with a child, and because if it was you would have access to the sitting room only around them, not as your own and would have to give it up to guests 100%.

Cuck00soup · 26/12/2021 12:30

"Being unreasonable" isn't really the right term.

I think you built Christmas up to be something special for you and your DC. Other people had different ideas. No one is wrong or unreasonable for not wanting the same.

Your living situation sounds difficult. You are the child with the child and won't really be able to fully adult and make your own mistakes until you have a place of your own.

While you are working towards your goal, the current situation needs managing. You are currently feeling resentful of your family for not meeting your expectations. At a guess, they are pissed off because their Christmas was all about a three year old.

I'd let the dust settle for now but work on communication in future. If other people won't tell you what they are thinking, ask them. It saves passive aggressive shushing of your child because their expectations were different.

Equally let them know in advance what you are imagining. It gives you an opportunity for negotiation at least.

I hope 2022 is your year.

JustUseTheDoorSanta · 26/12/2021 12:38

When 3yo gets grumpy, it's usually best to do calming cool-down activities like stories in the bedroom and then off to bed. It's not nice that the other adults didn't want to interact with him, but honestly understandable that they would expect him to be in bed in the evening. Hopefully you can rent your own place next year and be in control over what goes on.

Hodge00079 · 26/12/2021 13:36

I think not getting even a card sucks. Did relatives chip in/do something for your son in other ways?

I think it is Christmas that heightens things. The media paints a picture of how things should be. The reality is often different.

I don’t think you have said who the relative is that you live with. Assume that it is parent(s) as you mentioned sibling that didn’t live there. If so maybe the relative was in an awkward position. Like piggy in the middle.

On the one hand it does sound like they were watching what you considered to be nonsense but it is their Christmas so if that is how they unwind. Think for them to be moaning at 5 is a bit much especially as it is nephew at Christmas. However later in the evening I can understand I think if I had noisy toys around 7 I would be a bit fed up.

The issue is there are several people with different needs. If it was your house it would be different.

It is difficult when you are in the thick of things little things get magnified. I find writing things down and trying to be objective helps. It either shows that I am overreacting or actually I have a point.

It sounds like there are some things you cannot change. Perhaps it really is impracticable to move out or may be it just seems that way. If it is the first one are there steps that can help you get there.

Are you really doing all the giving (whatever type in may be)? It is easy to overlook what support we get. If you can honesty say after consideration you are doing all the giving and getting nothing back stop. I don’t mean be a cold fish but step back and put yourself and son first.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 13:49

@DrBlackbird

And you do not have to apologise to your siblings for a 3 year old wanting to play with their presents at 5pm on Christmas Day FGS Hmm
These kind of posts enrage me. You're not doing the OP any favours by not telling her that yes, her behaviour was a bit shit a childlike - I can't say I've ever stomped off to bed sulking without saying anything to the guests because I didn't get my way. Yes the OP may be having a hard time, which I fully empathise with, but she is not going to learn to communicate better and get along with her family if you're telling her it's acceptable for her to expect everyone in (not her) house to focus all their attention on her DC.

OP, as above, I appreciate you're having a hard time but your behaviour is not helping the situation. You do not just sit twiddling your thumbs for hours while guests of the homeowner repeatedly ask your three year old to be quiet to they can watch their film in the evening. Honestly, if I were in the room and you didn't try and quieten your son, take him away to play/go to bed, I'm not sure I would have kept my mouth shut. Can you not see that you were being unfair on your child by refusing to fix the situation? He's three and can't simply take himself off to another room to play, but you are a parent can do that for him. Instead you sat and watched him getting ssshhed for hours, annoying everyone in the process until eventually you sloped off to bed in a sulk.

JingleBeth · 26/12/2021 14:06

OP please do not listen to these utterly judgemental Scrooge voices on MN and do not let them doubt yourself or invalidate your feelings when they have no idea about you or your situation

Yes, people post on MN for advice and anymore who doesn’t agree with OP is a judgmental Scrooge…urgh!

PrincessNutella · 26/12/2021 14:13

I think there are two separate issues. One is that your family has been cold and unappreciative. That is completely legitimate. The other is that your child is up late and people are uninterested in watching him playing with his toy loudly. Unfortunately, most people do get tired of watching three year olds play with a toy. If it is late, then it is probably a good idea for you to take him into another room and let the grown-ups chill.

PrincessNutella · 26/12/2021 14:22

Okay, I understand the situation completely now. The OP lives at home with parents, pays full rent (nothing wrong with that!! perfectly adult thing to do) for a room. TV went on at five, television film went on at 7:45.

Yes, in that case, I do think the OP did the right thing by putting baby off to bed. The child needs to sleep and adults will enjoy the child more if OP helps socialize the child more and set limits.

Hont1986 · 26/12/2021 14:31

YABU. No-one wants to hear electronic toys while they're watching a film, your child needs to learn these kinds of lessons. And a big, separate YABU for the disingenuous OP.

ManicPixie · 26/12/2021 15:03

You should have told them to turn the telly off. Easier said than done perhaps but being a doormat won’t make you happy.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 15:10

@ManicPixie

You should have told them to turn the telly off. Easier said than done perhaps but being a doormat won’t make you happy.
It wasn't her house and they weren't her guests
Dreamstate · 26/12/2021 15:22

Oh wow its not even your house, its your parents house who you staying in and they invited people over and your having a childish tantrum over how they asked your child to be quiet whilst they were entertaining guests by watching a movie together.

Move out if you want more control over your Christmas day and how it should he for your child.

Storminamu · 26/12/2021 15:29

I would have a chat with your family members (separately). Explain that you're finding things tough as a single parent, and would love a bit of support. Suggest that they babysit your DC once a month (or whatever would help). And ask why they didn't buy you a Christmas present. Try to keep it low key. People have a tendency only to think about themselves, and to assume that others are okay and don't need help if they don't say otherwise.

JustLyra · 26/12/2021 15:37

@ManicPixie

You should have told them to turn the telly off. Easier said than done perhaps but being a doormat won’t make you happy.
You think she should have told her parents to turn off the tv in their house?
Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 17:41

Nanny0gg

Bananarama21

Im guessing your the poster who rents a room from their grandmother who has big christmas celebrations, you didnt want them all coming over in the first place if you are indeed that poster.

Things that stand out is your drip feeds.

  1. This is not your home you rent a home from a relative who is helping you out. You cannot dictate who they have in their own home and what they do.
  1. Content is key you failed to mention the living arrangements so your feedback from posters would be entirely different had you actually stated the truth.
  1. If the movie is put on the evening then why would you not be settling your 3 year old down for bed, its a case of reading the room.
  1. Presents you dont state if they got your boy.
  1. You need to prioritise changing your living arrangements this isnt a long term solution.
  1. It sounds the only persons christmas that was ruined was yourselves.

Read her posts

To be fair she actually named changed. Their is a function which allows you just to read ops posts however that doesn't take into consideration if she name changes.

Brainwave89 · 26/12/2021 17:58

I agree that Christmas morning should be focused on children. Later on in the day though your Grandparent’s guests would reasonably expect to be able to watch television without being disturbed. I am sorry OP, but your Grandmother and her guests also entitled to enjoy their Christmas. The world does not centre around you and your DC all the time.

Janus · 26/12/2021 18:58

@Brainwave89 I think the dynamics that have been established is that this is the OP’s own mum and dads house, to whom she pays rent. The guests were actually OP’s sister and her sister’s boyfriend who turned up without even a present for her or her 3 year old child (sister’s nephew) although OP bought everyone a present. So I imagine that was upsetting insofar as Christmas is really about children and they should have bought some small gift for her child.
I think then the being told to keep her child quiet was probably the last straw.
We can all lose the plot sometimes and I think this is more about her feeling left out.

ManicPixie · 26/12/2021 19:03

If it is the parents’ house then the op is basically trolling us. Good job, it garnered a few pages.

Janus · 26/12/2021 19:07

How so pixie? Other posters were commenting ‘are you the poster who lives with your grandparents etc’ so really it’s on them. This is a young girl having a tough time, Christmas can be really bloody hard for some people when you’re already feeling low.

Hankunamatata · 26/12/2021 19:09

What time is up late?

I'm frankly played out after about 7pm on xmas day and just want to sit - that's even with my own kids! Mine take all their toys to their rooms and play chrostmas.day night