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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unappreciated. Gone to bed in tears.

169 replies

namechange85479865 · 26/12/2021 01:11

Bought everyone in my family thoughtful gifts, things they actually needed. Spent all year trying to help various family members out of their ruts. Do so much for certain people emotionally, financially and practically. I'm a lone parent (by lone I mean dad not on scene at all). I work full time. I never get a break. I'm exhausted. Christmas Day got not so much as a card. Son was up late and family members (in my home) trying to watch a serious film. Son not allowed to play with his toys because too disruptive to the film. Told over 10 times he's not allowed to play with his new toys because they're noisy. So upset. Adults can watch films whenever they like. Films are not important. Son only gets one Christmas as a 3 year old. I just feel so emotional and under appreciated and like I don't know why I bother. Can't stop crying. Ended up sitting in my room playing with my son on my own so I didn't feel I uncomfortable about ruining the film. I don't think anyone really ever even thinks about me. Or cares.

OP posts:
RowsOfHolly · 26/12/2021 07:10

Just tell them OP, if they blame you for being upset.
“It’s true, I was upset. Havjng put in a lot of work to make dinner, and to afford toys for my child, it was upsetting that I got no help and my son, a 3 year old, was not allowed to play with his Christmas presents because you took up the livjng room for 3 hours to watch a film you could watch any time. It didn’t feel Christmassy at all”

CantStartaFireWithoutaSpark · 26/12/2021 07:11

Stop being their doormat. You deserve better than all that.
Prioritise you and your son this year. Don’t answer every phone call. Text back when then follow day.
Don’t invite them next year, if you really want to buy them gifts, buy them chocolates. Put the thought you typically would put into them into you and your son. If you don’t put you first, no one else will. Don’t feel guilty about that either. It’s clear your family don’t.
Bunch of twats.
A change in your expectations and mindset will change everything for you.

CheshireKitten123 · 26/12/2021 07:12

@TopCatsTopHat

Well your last sentence says it all. Your family dynamic is that you are the gift that keeps on giving but you must stay in your place. Time to step back and dial this whole thing down. Your ds won't remember this in any detail, but he will if it doesn't change and he doesn't need to see his mum treated like a doormat, he loves you and will want to see you stand tall and not accept being taken for granted and unappreciated.
This with brass bells on !
oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 07:27

Quite ho estly
I imagine people like this going around doing everything but my goodness… don’t you know it. Lots of huffing and pained expressions.

My guess is everyone breathed a sigh of relief when you went to bed early.

Op, I’m a single parent of young children. I do everything. But why ruin it by being a martyr?

Fundays12 · 26/12/2021 07:34

To be honest I think it's fair if it's evening time your 3 year old is in the room playing so adults can watch films. The rest of the behaviour from them is shocking though and you need to start putting boundaries in place with regards to yourself, your time, your money and your emotions. You will have nothing left for you if you don't. Next time they ask say no. Next time they want money say no and invest your time with those who make an effort.

Iwab82 · 26/12/2021 07:37

Sounds rubbish. Learn from this and always put yourself and you son first. Doesn't mean you can't be your kind self but just don't be a walk over. Christmas is always tricky with families.

EmmasMum12 · 26/12/2021 07:39

Expectation is the root of all disappointment

I've learned that generally people are disappointing

Therefore if I do something for a person i do it with zero expectation or I don't do it at all

Sending you love Flowers

TheFairPrincess · 26/12/2021 07:45

I don't see why the OP has to be labelled a martyr. It's often not the doing everything that is the problem, it is the lack of appreciation. I happily do almost everything at Christmas, but the happily part is down the acknowledgement and appreciation of that. It sounds like their is a backstory to the OP's family dynamic.

OP if it was late in the evening while I kind of understand childless people wanting some social time together, though for me Christmas is very much about the kids and I would be most put out by anyone treating my child like this.

I don't know if it's helpful for next year but I'm quite a stickler now when it comes to planning Christmas as I've found otherwise it can fall a bit flat when you have young children. My DC get up super early, we fill the day with fun things, and then by their normal bed time if not earlier they are out like lights. Then I can do adult oriented things in the evening, no over tired kids around. I think though the instinct can be to let them stay up, it's best to keep to a normalish routine for your own and their benefit.

NinaDefoe · 26/12/2021 07:52

They need to leave so you can play with your DS!
I suggest a ‘power cut’ Flick the main fuse fuse to the house off!
How unfortunate. Probably best if everyone went home now!

oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 07:52

* Son not allowed to play with his toys because too disruptive to the film. Told over 10 times he's not allowed to play with his new toys because they're noisy.*

You see, I’d look them squarely in the eye and say “come on, it’s Christmas Day and he’s a young child. Either he can play with his new toys here, or I will pack up and take him back home so that he can play freely”.

And if you’re in your own home OP, then no words as to why you allowed the above to occur

Tabbacus · 26/12/2021 07:54

@NinaDefoe

They need to leave so you can play with your DS! I suggest a ‘power cut’ Flick the main fuse fuse to the house off! How unfortunate. Probably best if everyone went home now!
But it's not just OPs house.
DaisyNGO · 26/12/2021 07:57

This won't be popular but...

Are you saying this isn't just a house share? You rent a room from the owner, so you are a lodger? As it's a family member, I wonder if it's that they rent the room to you as a favour?

SpanielsAreMyLife · 26/12/2021 07:58

Hmm a tired grumpy 3 year old up late on Christmas Day isn't that much fun for anyone, OP.

I adore my grandkids but have to say that I was very happy to sit down in peace when they went home at 7pm. We then put a film on and sat comatose for a few hours without talking as it had been such a busy day.

drpet49 · 26/12/2021 08:03

* Are you saying this isn't just a house share? You rent a room from the owner, so you are a lodger? As it's a family member, I wonder if it's that they rent the room to you as a favour?*

^This. Would be helpful if OP didn’t drip feed and actually said what the living arrangements are.

notanothertakeaway · 26/12/2021 08:05

I think there are 3 separate issues at play here

(1) you help people all year round. Is this mutual? If so, great. If not, stop and think if you're ok with that

(2) you didn't even get a card? That's rubbish. Next year, suggest you get in first and let family know you're happy to stop exchanging cards and gifts. Or, buy them an Oxfam goat, so it's really a charity donation rather than a gift, and you won't mind so much if you get nothing in return

(3) a crowd of adults, in a house that doesn't belong to you, want to sit quietly and watch an evening film, perhaps after entertaining your DS3 all day, and he had to be asked 10x to be stop ruining the film with his noisy toys. YABU

DeepaBeesKit · 26/12/2021 08:09

What time of day was it?

If it was after about 8pm I think a lot of people would be confused as to why a 3 year old was still up. Easiest thing would have been to put toddler to bed, they would have been exhausted anyway.

oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 08:14

Wait…. It was late and they were watching a film?

Ok that does out a different slant on it.

3 years old, busy and hectic day…. Yes, bedtime and then adult time

Tillsforthrills · 26/12/2021 08:14

Sorry OP but adults wanting to watch a movie in the evening without loud electronic toys and a grumpy 3 year old doesn’t mean they don’t appreciate you. I think that part YABU.

However, not getting even a card or any gifts to say thank you for all you’ve done is awful. They will have to learn at some point to fend for themselves.

You sound a bit burned out, I hope they’ve left or are leaving today.

LynetteScavo · 26/12/2021 08:20

When you say you got nothing, what about your DS? Did people give to him and not you? I think they should have given you a small gift, but if they focussed on your DSs gifts I can understand that. Lots of people think gifts at Christmas are main for children. They've probably given you gifts in the past, thinking of you as a child, but now you're a parent are giving to your DS instead.

Children tend to be up early on Christmas Day, and therefore don't usually stay up too late, or it all gets a bit much for them. Even if your DS wanted to stay up late playing with toys, as his DM surely you would take him for a bubbly bath and a story while the adults watched their boring film and chilled.

You sound like a generous person, but I'm guessing you're quite young. I'm sure in the future you'll be able to have your own home and do Christmas your own way with out having to compromise with others.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 08:22

Details are what are important here. Anything after 6.30 and a 3 year old should be winding down, maybe having a bath etc before bed. OP, it's not your house, not your guests, you don't have the right to tell everyone they can't relax late into the evening because your 3 year.old wants to make noise. To be honest, the fact you didn't scoop your child up as soon as he started making noise in the evening and take him to your room to play is very very rude

butterpuffed · 26/12/2021 08:28

Your son was up late and wanting to play with his toys but presumably he'd had all day to play with them and the others wanted to watch a film. I think that's fair enough.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2021 08:35

Pointless responding on this thread until we know
A) what time did they watch the film
B) did neither you nor your son get any presents from any of them, despite you giving them
C)who do you live with and who were the guests

Blinkingbatshit · 26/12/2021 08:37

OP, you are a lodger in someone else’s home - this means that you do not have rights over the home all the time….your landlord (/relation who is doing you a favour) has every right to entertain their guests or allow their guests to watch a film in the evening. Your toddler can play with you in your private space or go to bed!

2Rebecca · 26/12/2021 08:38

Getting no presents sounds rubbish. Expecting your son to be the centre of attention all day and evening once it gets late and the majority of people want to watch a film sounds unreasonable. I wouldn't have felt comfortable if lots of people were trying to watch a film and my son was making a racket interrupting it. Taking him upstairs to play with his noisy toy or putting him to bed so you can have adult time too sounds sensible. There are other days for the toy.
Most people regard evenings especially late evening as adult time and prefer small children to be put to bed

notanothertakeaway · 26/12/2021 08:47

YABU for implying that these were guests in your home, then dropping in that you're actually renting a room from a relative. That's a totally different situation. And really unhelpful approach for you, if you really wanted honest answers / feedback

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