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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unappreciated. Gone to bed in tears.

169 replies

namechange85479865 · 26/12/2021 01:11

Bought everyone in my family thoughtful gifts, things they actually needed. Spent all year trying to help various family members out of their ruts. Do so much for certain people emotionally, financially and practically. I'm a lone parent (by lone I mean dad not on scene at all). I work full time. I never get a break. I'm exhausted. Christmas Day got not so much as a card. Son was up late and family members (in my home) trying to watch a serious film. Son not allowed to play with his toys because too disruptive to the film. Told over 10 times he's not allowed to play with his new toys because they're noisy. So upset. Adults can watch films whenever they like. Films are not important. Son only gets one Christmas as a 3 year old. I just feel so emotional and under appreciated and like I don't know why I bother. Can't stop crying. Ended up sitting in my room playing with my son on my own so I didn't feel I uncomfortable about ruining the film. I don't think anyone really ever even thinks about me. Or cares.

OP posts:
Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 09:52

@PineappleMojito

Clearly a communication problem here. Adults didn’t communicate their wish to watch a film in the evening and to have some quiet to do so to op beforehand. If they had done, then expectations could have been set, DS could have been starting to wind down/been taken upstairs with some prior warning. Op also stomped off “clearly upset” but hasn’t directly communicated her feelings about this situation to family either. So the same thing is going to happen over and over again, because nobody is adult enough to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs.
But it was communicated. OP says the adults asked her son to be quiet so they could watch a film ten times over a two hour period and the OP let him continue playing with noisy toys
Bettybantz · 26/12/2021 09:58

OP I’m a LP and I always spend what I would spend on a partner on gifts for myself, wrap them up and put them under the tree with the kids stuff.
It’s crap when you put all the hard work in and no-one recognises it, but you should treat yourself. You deserve it.

Jaguar77 · 26/12/2021 10:00

Are you a teenager?

Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 10:03

Im guessing your the poster who rents a room from their grandmother who has big christmas celebrations, you didnt want them all coming over in the first place if you are indeed that poster.

Things that stand out is your drip feeds.

  1. This is not your home you rent a home from a relative who is helping you out. You cannot dictate who they have in their own home and what they do.
  1. Content is key you failed to mention the living arrangements so your feedback from posters would be entirely different had you actually stated the truth.
  1. If the movie is put on the evening then why would you not be settling your 3 year old down for bed, its a case of reading the room.
  1. Presents you dont state if they got your boy.
  1. You need to prioritise changing your living arrangements this isnt a long term solution.
  1. It sounds the only persons christmas that was ruined was yourselves.
tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 10:05

The post about living with someone's grandmother has zero to do with me.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 10:06

Are you going to apologise to everyone today OP? I think that would be a start is helping to build bridges

Cherrysoup · 26/12/2021 10:07

Trouble is, you sound like you wanted your 3 year old to be allowed to do as he likes, so dominate a house full of adults? Why wasn’t he in bed?

Janus · 26/12/2021 10:07

I think all the lines are blurry here because you live with your parents and the person involved is your sister and her boyfriend. Although you refer to yourself as the lodger I doubt this is what your sister sees you as. She will see you living at home and paying mum and dad some rent (she may not know how much you pay and contribute). So it’s probably your old family home and you’re all together at Christmas.
I cannot imagine how no one thought to buy at least your child presents even if not you. Christmas is about children and not buying for a nephew/grandson boggles my mind. So I’d be very upset too.
The film I think less so. I assume you’ve spent all day together by 5pm? If your sibling is still quite young the joy of nephew has probably worn off and they want to plonk by the TV. It was probably time to go and find another place in the house to play, have a bath, read a book etc. I would have been a bit miffed too to be honest but would have gone somewhere else for a couple of hours.
Did no one really buy anything for your child? I am staggered and so sorry if so.

Redsquirrel5 · 26/12/2021 10:08

I’m sorry the day was spoilt for you. I hope you can enjoy playing with your son today. Maybe get out for a walk with him today, take a flask or stop off somewhere for a hot chocolate etc and enjoy just the two of you. Let him enjoy playing today and then bath and bedtime with lots of stories.

I think your sister is probably a bit self centred and not considering either of you. If it was still early then she could have waited. I went up to my best friends last night and it was lovely and chaotic with her seven grandchildren playing and singing. The two three years olds taking turns to sing 🎤 with a few hilarious substituted words. My DH would have hated the noise and chaos so I went on my own. They went home about 8. The adults were looking weary but the kids were bouncing.
Different people have different views and I think a few here have been a bit harsh. Enjoy today with your son it is still Christmas.

WinnerofDecember · 26/12/2021 10:11

@Bananarama21 - do you have a link to that thread at all please? I've had a search, can't find it though.

As for OP, I agree with others. We have a SIL who is like with her DS, he has to dominate everything via her, and it's annoying at best.
Adults should be able to watch their film on Christmas Day. What film was it anyway?

Sorry if your DS didn't receive any gifts from them though, that's not nice.

Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 10:19

WinnerofDecember no i dont might have been deleted.

If you work full time sound buying presents for people stop and start saving up to move out with your child. Its not a long term solution, you need to find your own accommodation and you will get funding for childcare plenty of single moms do it, its hadd but you need a plan.

You sound like you wanted to dominate the whole day adults were entitled to watch a movie a child at that age i would have been giving him something to tea a bath then tucking him into bed about 6.

starfishofbethlehem · 26/12/2021 10:19

Make Moving out your priority for 2022

Bananarama21 · 26/12/2021 10:22

Did you have your child very young by any chance? I wonder if your sister is maybe resentful and wanted to see her parents and have some rladult child but when she visits you and your ds are always there?

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 10:27

I think there's honestly something wrong with me. I've woken up and can't stop crying and I don't even know why anymore. Feel like I've lost the plot a bit. Just feel so sad and hopeless and it's clouding my judgement. I was clearly BU last night

PineappleMojito · 26/12/2021 10:28

It doesn’t sound like this was agreed in advance though to watch the film and have quiet at a certain time. Certainly they did communicate the wish for peace and quiet, but sounds like they dropped it on op without a discussion beforehand. When our ILs and niece and nephew come to stay for Christmas we always discuss at the start of the day how to manage things, what time “quiet time” should start in the evening, etc.

LAMPS1 · 26/12/2021 10:32

OP, I say again, congratulate yourself on doing the right thing by your son in that situation. And also for not making a drama but for quietly withdrawing. You have been mature in your response. Ranting on here is good.
Don’t let it upset you any longer. Today is a new day, so smile for your boy and give him all your energy.
Things will get better for you. You will be able to save a little bit once your son goes to school. Don’t waste your hard earned money buying gifts for unappreciative family now you have a child. Look forward to better things to come and focus on that. All the best.

CandidaAlbicans2 · 26/12/2021 10:38

@WinnerofDecember, OP said that poster isn't her. OP lives with her parents, she's not the person who posted about living with her gran.

@tillyolsen, I agree with @Janus, that as you live with your parents the dynamics will be different to if you weren't, and that your sister behaves accordingly. If your DS had been playing in the lounge all day then I can see why they'd want peace and quiet to watch the film, and I don't think it's unreasonable for the adults to want some adult time at 7pm. It's their Xmas too, and they can't enjoy a film with child noise in the background!

However, I can see how hurtful it is to give so much, in the way of support and gifts and not receive anything in return. As PPs have said, start putting yourself and DS first and become less helpful to your family. At least next year you know not to bother giving gifts to anyone other than your son, right?

OakPine · 26/12/2021 10:40

@tillyolsen @namechange85479865
Are you posting under 2 names?

WinnerofDecember · 26/12/2021 10:44

@CandidaAlbicans2 - I know, I just fancied having a read of that thread Xmas Smile

KerryWeaver · 26/12/2021 10:45

I think the OP sounds quite immature and selfish.

The three-year old had all day to play with his toys. In the evening, it was not unreasonable to allow the homeowner and her family members enjoy some quiet time to watch a film. It was probably time for the three-year old to go to bed at that stage.

I think the OP should look to finding her own home and do her own entertaining on Christmas day if she wants to be able to dictate how guests get to spend the Christmas evening.

Janus · 26/12/2021 10:48

There’s nothing wrong with you Tilly, if my immediate family hadn’t made Christmas special for the nephew/grandson I’d be upset too. The sushing for TV watching then becomes the last straw. It’s really bloody hard having a young one.

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 10:51

[quote OakPine]**@tillyolsen* @namechange85479865*
Are you posting under 2 names?[/quote]
Yes sorry

rainbowstardrops · 26/12/2021 10:59

Oh you poor thing, I'm sorry you feel so low.
Is your sister and her boyfriend going to be there today? Can you talk to your relative that you rent from, how low you are feeling?
I hope today is brighter for you ThanksBrewWine

Evilcountspatula · 26/12/2021 11:05

@tillyolsen nothing to add except Flowers for you and sorry that you are feeling so low. I’m hoping that next year you’re able to get a place of your own and get the space and independence that you and your DS sound like you need.

Nanny0gg · 26/12/2021 11:26

@Bananarama21

Im guessing your the poster who rents a room from their grandmother who has big christmas celebrations, you didnt want them all coming over in the first place if you are indeed that poster.

Things that stand out is your drip feeds.

  1. This is not your home you rent a home from a relative who is helping you out. You cannot dictate who they have in their own home and what they do.
  1. Content is key you failed to mention the living arrangements so your feedback from posters would be entirely different had you actually stated the truth.
  1. If the movie is put on the evening then why would you not be settling your 3 year old down for bed, its a case of reading the room.
  1. Presents you dont state if they got your boy.
  1. You need to prioritise changing your living arrangements this isnt a long term solution.
  1. It sounds the only persons christmas that was ruined was yourselves.
Read her posts
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