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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Unappreciated. Gone to bed in tears.

169 replies

namechange85479865 · 26/12/2021 01:11

Bought everyone in my family thoughtful gifts, things they actually needed. Spent all year trying to help various family members out of their ruts. Do so much for certain people emotionally, financially and practically. I'm a lone parent (by lone I mean dad not on scene at all). I work full time. I never get a break. I'm exhausted. Christmas Day got not so much as a card. Son was up late and family members (in my home) trying to watch a serious film. Son not allowed to play with his toys because too disruptive to the film. Told over 10 times he's not allowed to play with his new toys because they're noisy. So upset. Adults can watch films whenever they like. Films are not important. Son only gets one Christmas as a 3 year old. I just feel so emotional and under appreciated and like I don't know why I bother. Can't stop crying. Ended up sitting in my room playing with my son on my own so I didn't feel I uncomfortable about ruining the film. I don't think anyone really ever even thinks about me. Or cares.

OP posts:
LagunaBubbles · 26/12/2021 02:35

Who are they ?

madisonbridges · 26/12/2021 02:37

Sorry you had a lousy Christmas. Its awful when you look forward to something and it disappoints.
Out of interest, what time did the film start?

SunscreenCentral · 26/12/2021 02:50

What was the film?

Tomorrow will be better op, your little guy will continue to enjoy his Christmas

ENDOFMESSAGE · 26/12/2021 02:52

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PoshPyjamas · 26/12/2021 02:56

So your son was up late and playing with loud toys when people, who had been invited by the homeowner, wanted to watch a film.

Presumably he had opportunity to play with them earlier in the day?

KloppsTeeth · 26/12/2021 03:10

Flowers for you op.

Christmas and New Year have always tended to put a lens over an imbalance in how much time, energy, love, finance etc I put into others which is never reciprocated.

A 3 year old in the house on Christmas should be the star of the show, imo, but I have learnt that madness lies where you hold others to the same values that you have. People can be self-centred, and these things seem far worse in concentrated doses of other people’s company at a time when we all want it to be magical and happy and especially a time when we want to feel valued.

Get through tomorrow and the rest of the time they are with you. Big smiles and if anyone says you went to bed without saying goodnight, just say you planned to come back down but nodded off. Deflect their misery, and over the coming weeks think about what can be done to improve life for you, even if it has to be taken in small steps.

fourminutestosavetheworld · 26/12/2021 03:53

I'm sorry that you didn't get any gifts. Did they buy for your ds?

I'm also sorry that they were trying to shush him so that they could watch a film. What time did this happen? I feel that it could be understandable if he'd been the star all day but by 11pm people wanted to do something more grown up and felt he should be in bed.

whitewashing · 26/12/2021 04:15

Tbh, I’d have been toddlered out by the evening, you done the right thing by taking him upstairs to play, I honestly would’ve done before he’d been told 10 times to quieten down! The adults got to relax and watch their film and he got to play with his toys, sounds the perfect solution. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get anything though, that’s pretty mean.

Tabbacus · 26/12/2021 04:24

@whitewashing

Tbh, I’d have been toddlered out by the evening, you done the right thing by taking him upstairs to play, I honestly would’ve done before he’d been told 10 times to quieten down! The adults got to relax and watch their film and he got to play with his toys, sounds the perfect solution. I’m sorry to hear you didn’t get anything though, that’s pretty mean.
I agree with this- I'd say next year don't invite them but I suppose it depends what the family member you want to rent from wants to do too.i wouldn't do presents next year.
fourminutestosavetheworld · 26/12/2021 04:45

"i wouldn't do presents next year."

I agree with this. Unless you bought for them, and they bought for your child? In my family, when you have children, people start buying for them instead of you.

Insert1x20p · 26/12/2021 05:05

I think there are two different issues- firstly the lack of gifts/ appreciation. It's not unreasonable for you to tone down the emotional labour if you feel there's no reciprocation.

The other issue is your son playing vs the film. This is where I think you're actually in the wrong. If it was the evening and a group of adults wanted to watch a film, I don't think they should just have to sit and watch him play with toys when there was an alternative (play in his room) and presumably he'd had the toys all day. It sounds as though they were not your guests, but the guests of the family member who you rent from, in which case it was kind of rude of you to let your son interrupt the film for so long.

JustLyra · 26/12/2021 05:18

Are you the poster who is living with their Grandmother?

If so YANBU about the gifts, however you are about the guests and the film.

JackieWeaverHandforthCouncil · 26/12/2021 05:47

To be fair it’s sounds as though the film was on the evening so I’d be expecting the 3 year old to be winding down or in bed. On the gifts thing, don’t buy any next year. No point continuing to martyr yourself and complain about it.

HomeTheatreSystem · 26/12/2021 06:17

If you're renting a room in a house, I'm not sure that you should feel entitled to allow your son to stay up and dominate the living area late evening just because it's Christmas. Clearly the home owner wanted other people over and they wanted to watch a film in peace and quiet. Whilst you may feel saddened that others don't share your enthusiasm for a 3 yr old playing with his noisy Christmas presents late evening, unfortunately it's not your house to do as you please.

Shoxfordian · 26/12/2021 06:21

If it happened when you posted then yabu; it’s very late for a three year old to be running around making a noise still especially if they’ve been like this all day

Work towards your own place without any family involvement then you can do as you please

LAMPS1 · 26/12/2021 06:28

I love the way you prioritised playing with your son and his new toys. You did exactly the right thing there so well done. He was much better off with you in your room interacting with him than being constantly shushed by others trying to watch a film. Don’t be upset that they didn’t feel the same way about that situation as you. Instead, be happy that you acted like the good parent. Your child is lucky to have you looking out for him.
Plus, you sound like such a loveLy kind person helping others throughout the year and going to the trouble of choosing thoughtful gifts for each individual. If it gives you pleasure and you can afford to do that, then well done but remember also, that it’s not an obligation. You and your son come first for your time and and money.
Disappointment in the conduct of others can turn into bitterness and could sour your life so try to let it go.
Know you are definitely on the right track and that things will get better for you. Be happy and content with that if you can.
I hope that you meet somebody just as lovely as you to share your life with if that’s what you want. Good luck !

THisbackwithavengeance · 26/12/2021 06:31

@HomeTheatreSystem

If you're renting a room in a house, I'm not sure that you should feel entitled to allow your son to stay up and dominate the living area late evening just because it's Christmas. Clearly the home owner wanted other people over and they wanted to watch a film in peace and quiet. Whilst you may feel saddened that others don't share your enthusiasm for a 3 yr old playing with his noisy Christmas presents late evening, unfortunately it's not your house to do as you please.
Exactly this.

The adults wanted to sit down and watch a film in peace without kids running around. They don't want to ooh and aah over your toddler all evening. Your DC has had his time all day to play and have all the attention.

Solution was easy: take your toddler to another room to play or best still, time for bed! There will be plenty of time for toys in the next few days.

Now you have taken yourself off in a sulk, crying because you didn't get your way. And everyone here is defending you!

CheshireKitten123 · 26/12/2021 06:33

Oh dear OP, you have joined all the other people on this board who need to get some boundaries.

I say this kindly - your son needs to be in bed much earlier, whether it is his own house or not.

Stop trying to be a "Fairy Godmother" to everyone. Don't invite people who want to stop up late. Tell them beforehand that you would like them to leave at x time because you have to put your son to bed.

Better still don't invite them at all.

Bluntness100 · 26/12/2021 06:40

Op who do you live with? Is it your parents?

NewtoHolland · 26/12/2021 06:45

I'm so sorry that you had a horrible day.
It sounds like you are a very kind giving person and I'm really sad to hear you didn't get a card or just a token present to show some kindness.

It sounds like setting boundaries is something that might be helpful, there are some really good leaflets on the co dependents anonymous website a bout ways of doing this.
I hope today is a better day.

steff13 · 26/12/2021 06:48

YANU about the gifts. That sucks that no one got you anything.

I think YABU about the movie. Is they were visiting and wanted to enjoy a movie together, there's nothing wrong with that. Especially as it sounds like you're son was up late, perhaps past when it was reasonable for him to be awake.

steff13 · 26/12/2021 06:49

Your son

Billandben444 · 26/12/2021 06:56

I'm thinking you may see the situation a bit more clearly this morning. Your only private space is the room you rent and if the adults in the communal areas want p&q to watch a film in the evening then it's time for you to compromise - hopefully your son was able to play and let off some steam during the day. As to no gifts or cards, take a long hard look at yourself in the mirror this morning with your son on your lap and say that this year will be about the two of you. Concentrate on trying to find alternative independent accommodation, cut back on being always there for everyone and save your money for your beautiful son. If the atmosphere is tense after last night, hold your head high, wrap up and take him out for a walk because yes, the adults wanted some child-free time and you should have gone back to your room once evening came but it's done now - decide what changes you will make next year 💐

Whydidimarryhim · 26/12/2021 07:04

Hi op you need to do some work on yourself. You need to start putting yourself first - you sound like the dependably one - you can easily be taken for granted - the people who didn’t buy you a gift - why was that - can they not afford it - are they just selfish - do they get you a birthday gift? I hope you learn your lesson and don’t bother in future - can you not afford your own space? What are your future plans? Maybe you would benefit from some counselling.

Auntielateralflow · 26/12/2021 07:05

@ImmutableSexQueen

All this energy you expend on other people - for the coming year, devote it to yourself and your ds. I think it will change your life. In the meantime, get whatever rest you can and hug your baby. Send everybody else home.
This op

Stop being such a people pleaser