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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Unappreciated. Gone to bed in tears.

169 replies

namechange85479865 · 26/12/2021 01:11

Bought everyone in my family thoughtful gifts, things they actually needed. Spent all year trying to help various family members out of their ruts. Do so much for certain people emotionally, financially and practically. I'm a lone parent (by lone I mean dad not on scene at all). I work full time. I never get a break. I'm exhausted. Christmas Day got not so much as a card. Son was up late and family members (in my home) trying to watch a serious film. Son not allowed to play with his toys because too disruptive to the film. Told over 10 times he's not allowed to play with his new toys because they're noisy. So upset. Adults can watch films whenever they like. Films are not important. Son only gets one Christmas as a 3 year old. I just feel so emotional and under appreciated and like I don't know why I bother. Can't stop crying. Ended up sitting in my room playing with my son on my own so I didn't feel I uncomfortable about ruining the film. I don't think anyone really ever even thinks about me. Or cares.

OP posts:

anon12345678901 · 26/12/2021 08:55

@notanothertakeaway

YABU for implying that these were guests in your home, then dropping in that you're actually renting a room from a relative. That's a totally different situation. And really unhelpful approach for you, if you really wanted honest answers / feedback

This. Also if the film was being watched in the evening, then I'd expect the child to start calming down and going to bed. Adults are entitled to watch a film in the evening without the noise of a child's toys. Presumably your child had all day to play with the toys.

PriamFarrl · 26/12/2021 09:03

What time were they watching the film?
If it was after about 7pm then it’s fair that your child should be in bed.

OverTheRubicon · 26/12/2021 09:12

@PoshPyjamas

So your son was up late and playing with loud toys when people, who had been invited by the homeowner, wanted to watch a film.

Presumably he had opportunity to play with them earlier in the day?

This. I'd be pissed off too if it was after 7pm, in my house, when I'd catered for Christmas and a large group of adults couldn't watch a film because my relative who lives with us thought that her 3 year old needed to play with his toys in the living room.

The fact that you failed to put this extremely important detail in the OP, honestly makes me doubt whether the others would see the rest the same way either.

Either they're awful and you need to look at moving out - your child is 3 and if you work you should be able to get 30 hours childcare plus benefits - or actually you need to consider what their post about the situation would be.

duvetdayforeveryone · 26/12/2021 09:14

@namechange85479865 You need to draw a line under yesterday, and come up with a plan to protect yourself and your son. Boundaries need to be drawn and kept.

I used to help other people all the time, then I realised the only person that benefited from the help was them and I was left exhausted. Now I just help myself, my DH, and my DC. The rest can sort out their own problems.

oftenbaffled · 26/12/2021 09:17

The op won’t be back

switswooo · 26/12/2021 09:22

Make this the last Christmas you bother with them.

Cuck00soup · 26/12/2021 09:23

@arethereanyleftatall

Pointless responding on this thread until we know A) what time did they watch the film B) did neither you nor your son get any presents from any of them, despite you giving them C)who do you live with and who were the guests

D) who cooked dinner.

switswooo · 26/12/2021 09:23

@oftenbaffled

The op won’t be back

Give her a chance, she was posting in the early hours, must be exhausted.

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 09:25

@oftenbaffled

The op won’t be back

Says who.

This was at 7:45pm and had been going on since 5 when they started watching tv (random YouTube videos then films). It wasn't at 1am or anything like that. I doubt my he would even be able to stay up that late.

I do not rent a room as a favour. I pay them the going rate and 50% of all bills. I don't live here (with my parent) for free.

It was my sibling and her boyfriend who pretty much told my son to be quiet every five minutes.

And no they didn't get him a gift.

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 09:27

And yes I name changed. That was a fail but I don't even care. I'm dealing with a lot and can't cope anymore.

OverTheRubicon · 26/12/2021 09:29

@Cuck00soup given the op studiously ignoring questions b and d in past posts, we can pretty much guarantee that (b) both she and her son did get presents and (d) she neither paid for dinner nor cooked it. Nevertheless she thought that it was more important for her 3 year old to stay up too late and play with toys in a shared area than for her family member to enjoy a film with family/friends at Christmas in their own home

thetinsoldier · 26/12/2021 09:31

Well, if this was at 5 PM and your ds had been playing with toys all day, I can understand the adults wanting their own time! Not everyone wants to hear kids' toys all day.

You might want to reconsider where you spend your energy this year though.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 09:31

I'm on your siblings side. I think an important lesson to learn in life is the world doesn't revolve around you and your offspring. If adults were trying to watch TV in the evening and had to ask your son TEN times to stop playing with noisy toys and you still just sat there letting him crack on, I'm sorry but you are extremely rude, entitled and I would be furious if I were your sister

OverTheRubicon · 26/12/2021 09:32

Op I've just seen your update, and yes at 5pm it is unreasonable, and not 'late' as you say earlier, also I would expect an aunt to get something from her nephew.

It sounds like such a fraught situation, and if you're paying going rate plus 50% of bills - and presumably still not being able to claim as much in way of housing benefit etc - are you sure you're better of staying where you are? If so, then unfortunately you need to put up with a certain amount. If not, then I'd be going to entitledto and checking out what you can get.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 09:37

Also OP, you say you pay the going rent and therefore renting a room in your parents house is not a favour to you - if you genuinely are paying the going rate, why not just use that going rate to get somewhere of your own?

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 09:38

@Autumndays123

Because a going rate as a lodger is not the same as the going rate for rent and nobody wants a lodger with a child.

Autumndays123 · 26/12/2021 09:40

Well in that case, you need to behave like a lodger and understand that you rent a room, not the whole house, and therefore you cannot dictate what the owners/their guests do. You certainly should not be letting your child continue to make noise over an almost 2 hour period where guests of your parents have asked him to be quiet ten times. Seriously OP, I think you're set against seeing everyone else as out of order/horrible to you but maybe you need to reflect on your behaviour and how maybe other people respond to your rudeness/entitlement

DaisyNGO · 26/12/2021 09:42

OP "do not rent a room as a favour. I pay them the going rate and 50% of all bills. I don't live here (with my parent) for free. "

Would they have a lodger in at all if it wasn't you?

Even then, they might prefer a lodger without a child.

Wondering your age, but regardless, yes, your son should have been out of their way.

I get the sense there's a major backstory here.

hivemindneeded · 26/12/2021 09:47

Happy Christmas OP. I am sorry you had a shit time. Please let this be a wake up call. the way you treat others is the way you long to be treated yourself. Next year, all year long, starting from now, look after yourself and your son first.

I used to run myself ragged helping other people. I was worn out, unappreciated, had demands made and criticisms levelled when i couldn't fit it all in. I was pretty much working full time, unpaid, running errands and doing good turns and my relationship with my children suffered. If you've been raised to be a people pleaser, it's what you do naturally and it takes years to realise most people will never return the favour.

Stop now. Never volunteer your services ever again. If asked directly to do something, give yourself time to think if it is convenient. Direct your energies to improving your life - getting a good job or qualifications, making caring, kind friends, spending time with DS playing with him, reading to him, going out in nature.

Practise asking for help too. That can be a hard one. Start by asking organisations for single parents or by signing up for 6 free CBT sessions with NHS to help you become more assertive and less down.

You will be so much happier, stronger and more confident this time next year.

PineappleMojito · 26/12/2021 09:47

Clearly a communication problem here. Adults didn’t communicate their wish to watch a film in the evening and to have some quiet to do so to op beforehand. If they had done, then expectations could have been set, DS could have been starting to wind down/been taken upstairs with some prior warning. Op also stomped off “clearly upset” but hasn’t directly communicated her feelings about this situation to family either. So the same thing is going to happen over and over again, because nobody is adult enough to take responsibility for their own feelings and needs.

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 09:48

@DaisyNGO

OP "do not rent a room as a favour. I pay them the going rate and 50% of all bills. I don't live here (with my parent) for free. "

Would they have a lodger in at all if it wasn't you?

Even then, they might prefer a lodger without a child.

Wondering your age, but regardless, yes, your son should have been out of their way.

I get the sense there's a major backstory here.

There's no back story at all. It's a lounge and kitchen in one, all his toys are kept in there. I get on great with house owner and they had zero issue. I didn't expect him to have to be out of the way that early. I guess I'm wrong though as a lot disagree. I can't afford my own place. I don't WANT to live here. The housing situation for lone parents paying through the teeth for childcare (even with 30 hours free which is actually 24 hours a week, the other 16 he attends are costly).

It is a miserable situation that I don't and to be in. I likely overreacted due to the underlying feeling of feeling trapped it triggered.

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2021 09:48

Life is clearly very very hard for you atm op and you have my sympathy. I cannot imagine how tough it is to be a single parent of a young child.
But...please remember your parent is doing you a big favour too. I am really looking forward to peace and quiet when my dc leave home, and whilst I would do it for them, Living with them and a young grandchild wouldn't be my ideal.
I'm also going to hazard a guess you're quite young and your sister even younger. Unfortunately toddlers are noisy and irritating after a while to childless people, it isn't really unreasonable for her to want to watch a grownup film in peace with her boyfriend (in what was presumably her own house too at one point) in the early evening.
I'm sorry op, if I were you I would be working super hard to save as much as I possibly could to move out, I know that must be tough.

tillyolsen · 26/12/2021 09:50

@arethereanyleftatall

Life is clearly very very hard for you atm op and you have my sympathy. I cannot imagine how tough it is to be a single parent of a young child. But...please remember your parent is doing you a big favour too. I am really looking forward to peace and quiet when my dc leave home, and whilst I would do it for them, Living with them and a young grandchild wouldn't be my ideal. I'm also going to hazard a guess you're quite young and your sister even younger. Unfortunately toddlers are noisy and irritating after a while to childless people, it isn't really unreasonable for her to want to watch a grownup film in peace with her boyfriend (in what was presumably her own house too at one point) in the early evening. I'm sorry op, if I were you I would be working super hard to save as much as I possibly could to move out, I know that must be tough.

It's not tough, it's impossible. On a fairly low income it's the monthly bills I can't afford. Council housing has years waiting list. I am trying. Should probably leave this post alone now

Luredbyapomegranate · 26/12/2021 09:51

@ImmutableSexQueen

All this energy you expend on other people - for the coming year, devote it to yourself and your ds. I think it will change your life. In the meantime, get whatever rest you can and hug your baby. Send everybody else home.

Exactly this

Try and enjoy the rest of the holiday OP and stop worrying about other people

arethereanyleftatall · 26/12/2021 09:51

I can imagine. But...take heart that it will get better. Childcare is going to get less and less expensive as your ds gets older. Hang in there.

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