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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that being a guest can be exhausting?

134 replies

Ohsoready · 24/12/2021 14:22

We are at my DPs parents for Christmas. We’ve been here for a day and I’m exhausted. They are lovely people but I feel so utter awkward! Getting up, getting ready what are we doing now what are we doing later, what’s the plan…? I just want to chill watch a bit of TV but the phone is constantly ringing. Someone calling in to say hi… and I’m exhausted.

The house is is cold, the sofas are uncomfortable. I don’t eat certain things and I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

I constantly feel like I should be doing things. Anything. Helping out with anything but I can’t really because I’m not home and it’s just odd.

They are lovely and I feel terrible, but I’m slightly regretting coming. I just want to dig a hole and sit in it until the holidays are over ☹️

OP posts:
Shmithecat2 · 24/12/2021 14:24

Yeah, I feel you. I hate going anywhere (other than my mums) at Xmas, I much prefer to be at home.

INeedtobealone · 24/12/2021 14:27

I'm currently at my in laws, just for the day, it's only 30 mind away but I find it really hard work. Can't wait to get home.

GoodnightGrandma · 24/12/2021 14:28

Go home. Have the Christmas you want.

codexa · 24/12/2021 14:30

We are all very different, but OP I am exactly like you regarding staying in another person's home.

It is not that I want to be a diva or anything, just being out of my comfort zone I suppose. I'm always on edge that I might oversleep and/or dribble on the pillowcases! Also having to fit right in with a different timetable, not knowing how to assist, or if I should. I find it very awkward TBH.

I have lovely cousins in Oxford, perfect place for a few days away and they are most welcoming, but I will always stay in a little hotel down the road for the duration. That way I can see them, have a catch up, lunch dinner whatever, and I am not disturbing their routine or mine.

I'm with you, but don't go again at Christmas. Work around it, lesson learned.

ouchmyfeet · 24/12/2021 14:31

It's just other people's families.
All their crap that you never enjoy just seems magnified at Christmas. It makes me miss my own family when I spend Christmas with DH's parents

InvincibleInvisibility · 24/12/2021 14:31

I think its irs more being around people you can't just chill around. Im hosting MIL as usual for 2 nights and I know that as usual she will expect me to sit and talk to her all the time Im not in the kitchen. DH will sit and play on his phone...

Original poster
Ohsoready · 24/12/2021 14:33

Going home would be terribly awkward. We traveled loads as well so it wouldn’t be an option anyway… it cost us £££ to come here with testing etc as well, but my partner really wanted to come so here we are.

Don’t get me wrong. They are very nice people ( with a weird sense of humour but it’s probably only weird for me ) but I’m knackered. It’s not my family an we are not married so I feel like I should not be here… but I’m spending my time off in someone else’s home and I feel like very awkward

OP posts:
Totalwasteofpaper · 24/12/2021 14:33

My mil is in my house as a guest and I feel how you feel.

Everything discussed in detail at length for no reason. DH on edge anxious and trying to hard. Smiling PA comments.

Being a guest isn't exhausting... Being trapped in close quarters with exhausting people is exhausting

TragoCardboardCopper · 24/12/2021 14:34

Yep. I get you.

It's like being on your best behaviour. Not that I'm badly behaved! But not being able to do stuff I might do at home - feet on the sofa, raiding the fridge at 9pm, going to bed when I want either very early or very late, getting a hot water bottle or blanket if it's a cold house, watching crap on TV, all of it is out of the question. And DP probably doesn't get it because they're his/her parents so DP could do any of those and no one would bat an eyelid!

Dentistlakes · 24/12/2021 14:40

I completely understand op. I find it very tiring being a guest too. I always feel as if I should be doing to help, on edge what I should be doing. Everything you do is dictated by someone else’s schedule and rules. A couple of days in anyone else’s home other than mine or my parent’s completely wipes me out.

Forion · 24/12/2021 14:41

I used to have to go to stay at the pil's every Xmas. I hated it. Freezing cold house, apart from the kitchen, which was boiling hot. Everything old and smelling of damp and mildew. Sleeping on a put you up bed. Old, dubious food in a smelly old fridge. Not being able to watch the television. No relaxation time. Endless small talk. I used to bath and go to bed at 7pm after the evening meal. I was trying to get to sleep one time and I realised the beds never got changed and my face was on a smelly pillowcase from the previous occupant 😢 I'm a very clean person and this really upset me.

It never occurred to me to tell dh I wasn't doing it anymore because I just believed that I had no say in it as I didn't grow up in a family.

fastandthecurious · 24/12/2021 14:43

I hate going anywhere except my mums for anything longer than a day. I hate being a guest!!

Tabbypawpaw · 24/12/2021 14:43

Oh yes I’ve been at my mother in law’s, she’s wonderful and kind but everything is so much faff. Now we’re heading to my brother in laws with her and again v kind people but the kids never sleep as well as at home and I’m constantly on edge cos they have a yappy dog that has snapped in the past. I end up getting home exhausted.

sweatervest · 24/12/2021 14:45

i get homesick even at my age. so i get what you mean plus you can't have a fag in peace and it's just irksome. it's not relaxing at all.

makes me appreciate my home more than ever

StoneofDestiny · 24/12/2021 14:48

We always have Christmas in our own - we visit relatives before and after Christmas/NY but keep Christmas to ourselves and our children. Eat what we want, drink as much as we want and watch what we want on TV. Golden rule since we got together a long long time ago. Too much stress and travelling otherwise.

We do throw a party before Christmas for friends and neighbours and spend NY with them at the pub.

onedayoranother · 24/12/2021 14:51

It is. But muck in! Don't wait to be asked. Say you'll empty the dishwasher/set the table/Peel the vegetables. Unless your parents in law really don't want the help, but it's a good chance to just natter about nothing.
But I get you. I only go to my parents in laws occasionally (my husband has been dead for years and my mil is 94, though active). Because I don't even have my husband to be a bridge I find it exhausting. But I do enjoy visiting them and now have the best excuse to keep it short (max two hours). They are currently isolating so will not be seeing them at all, but as my own parents are long dead it is always a nice connection for my teens to their father which I try to foster.

DrierThanANunsNasty · 24/12/2021 14:52

Totally feel you OP. Every year we spend 4 days at my in laws on the other side of the country and it’s exhausting.
Can’t have a lie in because MIL wants us up and out and doing things constantly, the endless flow of other guests popping in, the constant “are you going to help?” when I’m always the one washing up/doing drinks etc.

Last year was bliss actually having those days off over Christmas and not having to be at someone else’s beck and call, I really am not looking forward to it again this year.

ItsSunnyOutside · 24/12/2021 14:52

I understand what you mean op.
Other then my parents house, I find being a guest overnight at someone else house awkward.
Pils house is cosy, warm and clean but you feel like you have to spend every second with them and it's so quiet, you can hear every noise in the house. Even going to the toilet is awkward and I would never go to the toilet in the night incase I woke his mum and stepdad up.
Mil doesn't leave you alone and I start to feel very claustrophobic after a few hours. Since our dc came along, we've had Christmas in our own home and it's bliss.

SquirrelFan · 24/12/2021 14:54

So much prefer being at in-laws than when we stayed at my mum's! Yes, there's faff, but none of that weird guilt tripping that happens with mums and daughters. (My SIL has to deal with that!)

Lovelydovey · 24/12/2021 14:59

My late MIL and I had a mutual dislike of staying with each other - neither of us coped well in someone else’s routines and being expected to sit down and relax in someone else’s home as we both like keeping busy. She learnt to let me cook dinner and clean her bathroom and I learnt to let her peel potatoes and hang out washing.

TinselTinsel · 24/12/2021 15:02

I couldn't agree more ! It's mainly been me and my son for 16 years. One year we stayed over at my sisters , something I thought my son would enjoy , being with his cousin but as soon as I told him he says that our tradition is just us at home Shock
The next year when my sister asked again , I invited them to ours instead but it was crazy as my nephew was going through his dad's at a prearranged time (that I wasn't informed about !) so they actually left without eating the Christmas dinner!

BringUsSomeFrigginPudding · 24/12/2021 15:03

YANBU! Being a guest even with lovely hosts (and even with family, ime) can certainly be exhausting. No place that isn't "home" will ever feel like home to me, no matter how considerate your hosts are.

Since you're there, the only thing you can do is make the most of it, layer up for warmth, and keep telling yourself that there's no reason to feel awkward. Offer to help when you feel it's appropriate, and the rest of the time, try to relax and find something you enjoy to pass the time. Maybe go for walks with you partner to get a temporary relief from being in someone else's home all the time?

GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 24/12/2021 15:08

At my bro in laws now. I hate it. They are fine but it’s just an effort!

JennieLee · 24/12/2021 15:10

When I was visiting my stepdaughter recently I found it a great help to take a book. I had a really good time and we did lots of stuff together. But phrases like 'I really want to finish this before Xmas.' and 'What's lovely about Xmas is being able to take out a bit of time to read' are useful. It also allows hosts to get on and do stuff they want to do.

MsFannySqueers · 24/12/2021 15:17

Yes OP I totally agree I don’t like staying in other peoples homes for many of the reasons stated in PP’s. Although if we have guests I try to be a good host. Funnily enough was just pondering my neighbours today. For forty years they have foisted themselves on random relatives every single Christmas. They actually brag that they have never hosted or cooked a Christmas lunch. They don’t visit just for the day either but for extended overnight stays. COVID put paid to their visits recently but off they went this year ha ha! One year snow put paid to their Christmas jaunt. They actually tried to invite themselves for Christmas lunch with us. I am not the most scintillating person but these two could bore for Britain! Managed to swerve inviting them to lunch as had a houseful of lunch guests at the time.