To think that being a guest can be exhausting?

[Ohsoready]

We are at my DPs parents for Christmas. We’ve been here for a day and I’m exhausted. They are lovely people but I feel so utter awkward! Getting up, getting ready what are we doing now what are we doing later, what’s the plan…? I just want to chill watch a bit of TV but the phone is constantly ringing. Someone calling in to say hi… and I’m exhausted.

The house is is cold, the sofas are uncomfortable. I don’t eat certain things and I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

I constantly feel like I should be doing things. Anything. Helping out with anything but I can’t really because I’m not home and it’s just odd.

They are lovely and I feel terrible, but I’m slightly regretting coming. I just want to dig a hole and sit in it until the holidays are over ☹️

'Being a guest isn't exhausting... Being trapped in close quarters with exhausting people is exhausting'

So very true. We're at my parents and dear god, it's so tiring. The house is warm and clean and there is lots of lovely food and drink so we're very lucky. They are both so draining though - they have no interest in our lives or anything we have to say, and they talk AT YOU about stuff like local building work that you couldn't give two shits about. The same stories get repeated over and over. We're only 24 hours in with another 3 days to go

Another thing about Christmas at someone else's is loud television when they don’t wear their hearing aid in the house, oblivious to the noise, could probably hear it at the end of the street. Can’t even escape for a walk on a dark and rainy night. Only time I was heading for bed before 10 p.m.!

(As well as the uncomfortable sofa that always gave me stomach ache, food I wouldn’t be eating given a choice, got the presents wrong again)

I am dreading going to my In-Laws on Boxing Day. They are both incredibly kind, but as pp have said it's the being on your best behaviour that's so exhausting.

They will repeat in excruciating detail the exact same stories that we heard a few days ago about the ongoing ailments of all their friends whom we have never met.

My MiL has a very sweet tooth so every five minutes we're offered mince pies, strudel, chocolate cake, Christmas cake, marzipan sweets, chocolates, lebkuchen etc. For some people this would be paradise but for me it's my absolute idea of hell and I feel bad for saying no to everything. After a few hours all I want is something vaguely resembling actual food, while everyone around me is on a sugar rush or sugar crash.

Worst of all, my previously wise, thoughtful MiL whom I have admired for the last 20 years has now become an anti vaxxer and conspiracy theorist. My DH has tried to ask if we can just avoid the subject, but my BiL and SiL (also unvaxed) have just had covid quite badly. They now regret not being vaccinated so it's bound to be discussed and it's going to be so hard for us to keep trying to steer the conversation back to something neutral while my MiL tries to tell them that actually what they really had was 'flu.

Thank goodness for wine.

It's not having any down time. Usually if I'm staying somewhere I end up going to bed slightly early so I can read my book for half an hour to get some alone time.

Also, heaven forbid anyone wants to play games all night. I like it for a little while but it wears thin after an hour.

@Legoisthebest

I am at my mother in law's and I am LOVING IT. Sorry folks but I am. This year was originally cancelled but then uncancelled and despite the journey getting here is an exhausting faff ( 3 hour public transport) the second we walk through the door I instantly relax. We just carry on doing 'our thing'. No pressure to do something you don't want to do. She doesn't care if I rummage in the fridge at 3am or watch my programmes on the telly. I get to play with her pet. I obviously live in a parallel universe to everyone else. I love being at my mother in laws and wish we could stay there permanently.

You are not on your own. I loved going to my PILs. I always relaxed the minute I got there. Was free to make myself a cuppa (although very rarely did as FIL offered one about 10 times a day ) rummage in the fridge, go to bed when I wanted etc. anything went and I was so well looked after. Miss it desperately now. However my adult DC and my DSIL and DDIL come to stay at ours often and are similarly relaxed. Love it

Put it this way, I'm a night owl (often post way past midnight!) but I've retired to bed now 😭

@GoodnightGrandma

Go home. Have the Christmas you want.

Blasé advice like this doesn’t help. Being in a relationship requires moments of compromise.

Exactly.
I had to endure Christmas to keep the peace. Sometimes it’s just the way it is, there isn’t a solution. I just insisting on reducing the days we stayed and making them come to ours (which they also hated every minute of).

i hate being a guest and having guests.Its uncomfortable and soul draining.

I can make the best of just about anything if I have a decent bed to sleep in…hence the hotel room when we visit my PIL. Nowadays I genuinely have a minor problem with my back, which has become the ideal excuse for not being able to stay…“Cameleon can’t sleep on a camp bed with her bad back.” No one can argue with it and we have somewhere to retreat to when we’re all getting fed up with each other…I’m sure they get sick of us too!

This thread makes me feel lucky that my in-laws are lovely relaxed hosts. People on here not being allowed in the kitchen or to get snacks and drinks?! Or being made to sit and watch shite TV for days on end?! Argh! I can't stand sitting around in someone else's house with no real plan of what we're doing but luckily my DCs are very active livewires so staying with the PILs means every day we will be out at the beach/park/woods/a National Trust place etc.

@Ohsoready

You have my sympathy. I HATE going ANYwhere for Christmas. We see our 2 adult DC (who live with their partners) 3 or 4 days before, and other extended family around 17th to 22nd December (coffee/pub lunch/pop in for half hour,) and then from 23rd December, it's just me and DH and NO-ONE ELSE. It's Heaven!

Spent too many years when I was much younger trying to please others, parents, grandparents, aunts and uncles etc, and hardly had any of Christmas to ourselves. So when the kids hit 8 or 9, we decided to see NO-ONE after the 23rd December. Not til the 28th/29th at least.

No WAY would I be spending 3-4 days of Christmas at someone else's house. Not even my DC (as their partners will be there.) Nothing against their partners, but I don't want to stay - even one night - with them there. It's just weird. And no WAY would I ever have stayed with DH's parents.

As a pp said further back, it's other peoples family... You just can't relax/chill/be yourself/have a cheeky power nap etc, and you have to keep chatting, and smiling, and being nice and cheerful and so on. Ewwwww.

@CPL593H

The dream we are sold. It has been snowing. A stone manor house in the Cotswolds, happy laughing people unloading presents from their cars in the gathering dusk, being greeted with hugs and a glass of champagne before being shown to bedrooms, where Diptyque candles are lit and everything has been prepared for their comfort. A wonderful dinner awaits, after carols around the Christmas tree lead by the local Salvation Army band. Several days of scenic walks, wonderful company and great food are happily anticipated.

The reality. Most posts on this thread

Thank you for this. I don't want to display any schadenfreude in this thread but my xmasses have always been like the ones on this thread. Just the two of us or in a parent house for Xmas. I always imagine people are having the dream xmasses you describe and become a bit depressed at Xmas because of it. The country hoose and smiling faces, the twinkling lights and the 'joy'. Oh my god the 'joy' It's the dream the adverts show. The one everyone aspires to. Reality however is very different. I now realise our quiet xmasses are probably the ones that are the nicest.

I'm with you. Since having kids we spend every Xmas at home.

Oh dear..

I don't go to places where I feel like that... I've been a guest for Christmas at a variety of friends homes over the years, and long stayer guests (week, two weeks) at other times...

None of my friends are like this - im shown where stuff is, the routine/non-negotiable bits of daily life are explained (work commitments, travel times, etc)... then we ... get on with it.

Thats how it always was in our family home growing up, guests came, spare room was nice but otherwise they either did their own thing out of our way or pitched in with what we were doing, weren't waited on, didn't expect to be, but weren't made to join in with things that didn't interest them either.

I can't imagine going somewhere where I can't say 'hey it's really cold in here for me, can we turn up the heat or do you have a spare blanket?' and my friend will do one or the other, something that meets both our needs.

Even the Christmasses I spent as a mates beard, so that certain rellies wouldn't ask awkward questions - imagine The Royale Family series... similar layout house, all crammed in, younger kids sat on the floor, no one sits in Dads chair, 300 people fitted into a pokey 3 bed semi council property (not the most spacious of layouts) - some folk know my friend is gay and some don't and im not entirely sure who...

Even those christmasses were not nearly as awkward and uncomfortable as some of your experiences seem to be!

Maybe my friends and family are all the 'say what you mean' types and not the 'say one thing, mean another, hope someone second guesses what you really mean' types...

If it's too cold, you're hungry, you want to do something else.. just communicate with your hosts, you don't have to be rude about it, but its NOT rude to say you're hungry or cold (and it IS pretty rude to leave guests hungry or cold!).

The cold house and uncomfortable sofas is on account of them being OAPs, surely? The price of heating a house is astronomical and once a couple has a sofa, that is often the last sofa they buy. Wear extra jumpers!

While I get the general principle — and certainly both my parents’ and ILs’ houses are tiny, unprivate and uncomfortable (though absolutely boiling in both cases) — it does sometimes sound to me as if Mn, as well as having a high proportion of the introverted and socially awkward, has a lot of people whose normal ‘home behaviour’ means they will struggle as guests.

I bloody love Christmas with my in laws. They are loving , fun and non judgmental. They say 'make yourself at home' and we do. ! .. which means we ALL muck in . No-one is 'a guest' we are all equally responsible for each other having a lovely time which means MIL loves having us... and the DCs , DH and I love to come. It's the highlight of our year. (We also alternate it - so every other they come to us) but still the same feeling. I don't feel I am 'hosting' - more like sharing my holiday time with people who want us all to have a good time and are prepared to muck in and help.

@pollygartertidywife

I bloody love Christmas with my in laws. They are loving , fun and non judgmental. They say 'make yourself at home' and we do. ! .. which means we ALL muck in . No-one is 'a guest' we are all equally responsible for each other having a lovely time which means MIL loves having us... and the DCs , DH and I love to come. It's the highlight of our year. (We also alternate it - so every other they come to us) but still the same feeling. I don't feel I am 'hosting' - more like sharing my holiday time with people who want us all to have a good time and are prepared to muck in and help.

I do this with guests. I always tell people to make themselves at home, make drinks when they want to if I haven't offered when they want one, have a shower or bath when they want one as we have plenty of hot water, and to ask for anything I haven't provided.

I show them the cupboard with ll the teas and coffees in case they get up before I do and want a hot drink.

My late MIL also did this, so staying with her was a proper holiday break for me as she wanted to look after us. The only thing she would let us do was help with veg prep and washing up.

@Smorgasborb "Oh my god the 'joy'".

This really made me laugh! My reality today has involved paramedics after DH's blood pressure plummeted again and he had a fall. I'm now well into the sloe gin and a) just glad they eventually decided he hasn't got sepsis after all and he can stay home for now and b) planning what I would wear at Alternative Reality Cotswolds Christmas (I'm thinking black velvet and pearls)

Wishing everyone a good Christmas, wherever you are and whatever you are doing today and that the thermostat is always set on ideal, at least!

The hosts on this thread are just terrible hosts.

It shouldn't be like this. I have two couples coming to visit us today and ive replaced double beds with king size beds in all guest rooms, with top quality mattress. I wouldn't dream to put someone up on a sofa bed that's just awful. I wouldn't invite guests to stay until I could save up and replace al beds with good quality king sized.

I also show each guest the thermostat and how to adjust heating for their room only so they can navigate as they wish.

We love guests visiting but make sure we create a nice stay for them.

'I have two couples coming to visit us today and ive replaced double beds with king size beds in all guest rooms, with top quality mattress.'

Wow, that really is above and beyond. Can I come and stay with you?

My dp’s family is abroad so when we go it’s for at least a week and has been up to two. They are lovely and have no weird rules or expectations, but the combination of being brought up to be a ‘good guest’ means I don’t really relax. That has always been the case, but I’m also becoming far less tolerant of the discomforts of staying in other people’s houses as I get older.

In this case, it’s scratchy towels, awful pillows and mattress (caved on a previous trip and bought my own pilllows and a duvet to put in between mattress and sheet) and not enough sofa space. If you don’t get an armchair, you’re destined to spend the evening sitting on a dining chair. Watching the news generally. You eat what you’re given, which is well cooked, but goodness I’m sick of holidays (we generally go a few times a year) where I don’t get to choose what I’m eating.

Last time we went for Xmas we couldn’t stay at the flat as dp’s brother and family, who had recently moved to another city so also needed accommodating, were there. We stayed in an Airbnb - what a revelation! DP’s brother thought this was unnecessary, and we could take their room while they all slept on the floor . No chance that was happening. I’ve suggested we could do the Airbnb again, but dp maintains it would be very rude.

@TrefoilTrefoil Ah, but staying in the Airbnb means less work for your DP’s family ( I’m assuming you’re visiting his parents) as they wouldn’t need to host you. So you’re making it easier for the older folks as well as yourselves. Win win!

*The hosts on this thread are just terrible hosts.

It shouldn't be like this. I have two couples coming to visit us today and ive replaced double beds with king size beds in all guest rooms, with top quality mattress. I wouldn't dream to put someone up on a sofa bed that's just awful. I wouldn't invite guests to stay until I could save up and replace al beds with good quality king sized.*

I am a terrible host. I've deliberately held off replacing our 20 year old spare bed (with the original mattress ) because the only people who stay are my PILs and I don't want to encourage them with extra comfort