To think that being a guest can be exhausting?

[Ohsoready]

We are at my DPs parents for Christmas. We’ve been here for a day and I’m exhausted. They are lovely people but I feel so utter awkward! Getting up, getting ready what are we doing now what are we doing later, what’s the plan…? I just want to chill watch a bit of TV but the phone is constantly ringing. Someone calling in to say hi… and I’m exhausted.

The house is is cold, the sofas are uncomfortable. I don’t eat certain things and I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

I constantly feel like I should be doing things. Anything. Helping out with anything but I can’t really because I’m not home and it’s just odd.

They are lovely and I feel terrible, but I’m slightly regretting coming. I just want to dig a hole and sit in it until the holidays are over ☹️

OP are you at my in-laws?! They are lovely but that is EXACTLY how I feel after about half an hour! Especially the bloomin’ cold house.

Why are in- laws houses always so bloody cold!!?. I think that's the worst for me. And washing up is so faffy because you don't know where everything is or where anything goes. And her 2 daughters are there and they get on with stuff so efficiently because it's their childhood home I end up feeling incompetent and lazy. Yup, completely agree OP.

Absolutely. I love travelling but I hate staying in other people's homes (but of course as a guest you have to pretend its the best thing ever and fall over yourself to express constant gratitude and appreciation and pretend to love everything). I hate having houseguests too, except for the kids' friends who are no trouble (teens and pre teens who sleep in their rooms and are "hosted" by the kids and only stay single nights). Adult guests are the pits and I completely fail to understand why anyone who can afford a hotel would definitely choose to perch awkwardly in someone's spare room/ turf their children out of their bedrooms to use them.

Completely agree, I hate being a guest, especially at Christmas, especially at my in-laws. The baby would wake up throughout the night each night because the house was unfamiliar and I would have to get up with him repeatedly. My husband, of course, slept through it all. In the morning I would be exhausted and they would all be cheerful and energetic. The food was strange, and it was always awkward if I wanted to cook something for myself. They had no interest in anything I had to say and would spend the entire four days talking about people I didn't know. The day after boxing day, my MIL would announce that she and I were going to take all the children into the city for the day so my husband could "have a break." Of course, since I was exhausted from lack of sleep, I wasn't happy about that, and she would always act as if I was a lazy mother and wife.

The years that we didn't go anywhere for Christmas, it was like heaven. My family's traditional Christmas dinner and then cozy on the couch with my children, watching Christmas movies and listening to them joke with each other. Now we do that every year. Wonderful!

Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to welcome family at the holidays and ensure no one has to spend the day alone. And it's important to me that my husband feels his family's traditions are included in our day. But we can do that from our own home, just as we can include traditions from my side of the family when we are in our own home.

God yes! There are maybe two friends that I enjoy staying with, and even then only for a night or two. Ditto having friends to stay.

We had a friend who lived in the south of France and he was so keen for us to go and stay with him for a 'free holiday', eventually we went for two weeks.

I have never been so stressed in my whole life!

Since a disastrous visit to my IL’s a few years ago when none of us slept properly for four nights as the camp beds were so uncomfortable ( and the house was cold), we now book a hotel cluu oh de by when we visit.😂. My IL’s think it’s a waste of money, but we’re all more rested and relaxed as we have somewhere to escape to and comfortable beds! Good luck, OP, smile a lot and you’ll get through it.

Gosh this thread makes me feel very lucky. My MIL is by no means perfect but when I turn up at her house I basically am exactly the same as I am at home except I dump DD on her* so actually it’s more relaxing than at home!

• they adore each other - honest. As long as I stay out of the way while they’re playing and make sure to restock the wine/cake periodically I’m golden

I find my parents’ much harder, but that’s because they keep odd hours which don’t really work with a toddler!

@PineappleRisotto

Why are in- laws houses always so bloody cold!!?. I think that's the worst for me. And washing up is so faffy because you don't know where everything is or where anything goes. And her 2 daughters are there and they get on with stuff so efficiently because it's their childhood home I end up feeling incompetent and lazy. Yup, completely agree OP.

On the cold in-laws house thing. I don't know how old posters asking are, but houses used to be quite a lot colder than they are now (see www.theguardian.com/environment/2014/jan/28/uk-homes-4c-warmer-1970-energy which quotes 4 degrees for example). My home growing up was about 16/17 degrees in the late 70s/80s, we keep ours warmer than that, but not by much - 18.5 according to the thermostat now. So possibly they are colder because they've always been colder.

I get feeling incompetent, but most people in my experience are only too happy for a willing helper who is prepared to chat and doesn't really know where anything goes or loads the dishwasher "incorrectly", the competence doesn't matter - the being willing does.

Sorry - didn’t mean to dance in here with a good MIL story, OP you are more than entitled to vent and I would be doing the same in your shoes!!

I get you OP. My DH is one of those outgoing people who meets new people and is just himself and makes no excuses for that. When he first stayed with my family he just launched straight in to their way of living. Mucked in, made himself at home, suggested things he wanted to do and joined in with whatever was going on. Years on they love him and he loves them and his additions to the Christmas routine are as much a part of it all as the long standing traditions. I’ve never had the confidence to do that with his family (who are lovely) but I still feel less ‘at home’ than I do with my family.

Oh god, I hate staying at my grandparents house.

They're lovely people, it's just so formal. Tea trolley with full on china and tea cosy at set times. They want to sit all day in the living room giving us the town gossip on people we have never met. Gas fire on full blast. All the soaps on tv in the evening.

They're so sweet, but it bores the living shit out of me.

@GoodnightGrandma

Go home. Have the Christmas you want.

Seriously as if! That would be incredibly rude. OP should have dealt with the invite before now. Just suck it up and next year dig your heels in and do your own thing.

We’re staying at DFIL, arrrived yesterday and leave on 27th to go to DMIL through Jan 1. They’re both in different countries from us so a lot of travelling. I love being at DFIL mainly because I really love my DSIL who I don’t see very often and she is here too. The whole family follow the traditions from their childhood so it’s reasonably predictable. They are European so celebrate on 24th December. I try to help out a bit but don’t worry too much if I can’t as tomorrow we’ll do English Christmas which means I’ll be doing all the cooking all day, which suits me fine. I love it and DFIL is loving being surrounded by his children, their significant others and the grandkids.

Dollywilde she's at her own parents anyway. Its nice your in-laws are great. I was more comfortable at my in-laws than my parents before mil died too (for my parents everything is very performative and church is more pivotal than family, plus there are trickier personalities. At my in-laws it used to all rotate around food and drink and mine were the only grandchildren. It was very relaxed. The year after she died we went there but it was bleak though we all brought food. Then FIL sold up so he comes to us now and doesn't stay overnight, which is fine).

Me too @Dollywilde. My late MIL was like a second mother to me. I could relax as much at hers as I could at home. In fact, more so because she never wanted help in the kitchen until she got a lot older.

The house is is cold, the sofas are uncomfortable. I don’t eat certain things and I feel like it’s constantly talked about.

I would hate to be staying in a cold house but I could put up with uncomfortable sofas. What are the certain things you don't eat? Are you vegetarian? Did your DP let his parents know that there are some things you don't eat? Would you describe yourself as a fussy eater?

@GoodnightGrandma

Go home. Have the Christmas you want.

Why say this? Do you really think can just pack up and say ' changed my mind sorry. I'm going home"? Don't be daft.

I've never gone anywhere else for Christmas, I don't think I could handle it! Happy to have visitors here though, though apart from drop-in guests it is only my adult kids that sleep over.

OP i remember feeling like you when i was newly with DH. You get sudden waves of ''who the hell are you all and why am i here?!''.

Now we've been together 15 years, we're married, we have a 7 year old child together and i get on well with PIL, i genuinely feel their fondness, but just sometimes on a big whole day get together at PILs i still feel a bit 'out of it' at some moments.

We have one on the 27th. I will enjoy it - but will still be clock watching a little bit.

MIL would be hurt to think i wasn't ''treating it like home'', but unless i stripped down to my bra + knickers, retreated under a blanket, took over the telly and ate my way through all the chocolates i'm NOT treating it like home and I don't think it would go down too well if i did

I'm very sociable and like being around people - but I hate staying at other people's houses. It's mostly because I can't bear doing nothing, but there tends to be nothing I can usefully do as hosts have their own routines and an extra person trying to "help" is a nuisance. I don't like people staying with me, either - far better to stay in a local hotel and meet up. I can't abide the hanging around waiting for them to spend a year in the bathroom, etc. You don't need to know about someone else's matinal and nocturnal routines.

Plus other people's houses are so bloody hot!

Oh this sounds very familiar! I used to come home utterly exhausted after just sitting about making small talk for a few days !

Two nights is my limit, three at a stretch, in either direction.

Yeah I’ve realised I don’t like it. We’ve had the last 2 christmases at home and this year at my parents’ - love them and it’s as I expected but I don’t feel festive, my sis and her fam are pissing me off (unattended babies around the dog, eating uncut grapes etc and dumped on us) but mainly it’s the sitting around waiting. Waiting for what? I made stuffing and cranberry sauce this morning and there are no other jobs to do apparently. I am shit at relaxing but in my own home it’s not so obvious! Feel like I can’t read my book etc as my mum will be all ‘ooh what you reading?’ Etc. Well; nothing now because you’ve just interrupted me! Bah humbug.

I hate being a guest.

One memorably awful boxing day was the one spent at my mums house with DH for my first xmas with him. I was divorced from 1st H.

Just the 3 of us, big freezing house, (not the one i grew up in) she had hardly any food in (not skint, just stingy) and just when it seemed it couldn't get any worse she turned the telly off and we all just sat there listening to the clock tick and the cat licking it's arse ... Fun times.

Yes - I am at my Dads for Christmas the same as every year. I will be sleeping in the most uncomfortable bed (mattress is hard as a rock, and I camp regularly sleeping on the floor!), and I just feel “on” all the time trying to fit into his routine ... but it’s only for 3 days & it’s my dad so I will put up with it :)